Here's the place for budding writers to receive judgments and constructive criticism.
Guidelines
In french class, we had to write a little story based off a poem by Prévert, "Le Cancre." What is the dunce's name? What is the name of the schoolmaster? Why is he a dunce and what was the teacher's reaction to his sudden action? These are the questions asked in the assignment, and this is the story that answers them.
The poem is here: http://membres.lycos.fr/artistiqueweb/poeme22.htm
>>2
I suppose you did a good job for class, but it was unentertaining to read as a creative assignment. You translated the poem into fiction well, but it seems like just that. An interesting translation. If this were to be fleshed out into an actual story with character names and some real tension, one might find themselves actually investing in it. Good luck in the future, and I hope you get a good grade.
Here, to be fair, I won't give 10 whole minutes of material, but some poems I had to finish recently for a class:
________________________________________
Red Marrow’s Beginning
>>4
I think the middle poem of yours is the most mature. Its subject matter is not as melodramatic, and it's about smashing mailboxes so of course I like it already.
A Death to All Neta
I call for a death to all neta, for the benefit of the world at large, and you yourself in particular.
Everyone read >>8 and pay attention. I never knew that's what you called that crap, especially the monkey-pirate-zombie-ninja-robot crap. A very informative piece!
>If you have finished reading a story and can say, "This story will not affect anything I do now or in the future," then you have absorbed neta.
lol your doing affected by stories
>>11
if that's the criteria for "neta" (...), then all stories are "neta". Stories just do not affect anything I do now or in the future. Do they for you? Your life must be hell.
If >>12 is telling the truth, she or he is probably in the minority. Of course stories affect what (most) people do! Any action you perform or have performed on you is going to alter your future behavior, and stories are, in the end, one way to perform or experience action, though only in your mind.
>>12
So, all the novels you read are only for your own entertainment? Romance novels, maybe.
Or then, "And does >>14 read novels not for entertainment?". Never posting again after 4:00 am.
>>15-16
Yes. Lives can be affected by stories. It alters your brain, and the brain is the seat of all your actions. So conceivably, one could decide to become a hermit because a story made it seem desirable. I myself switched political parties and to an entirely different way of thinking because of a certain work I will not mention.
>>19 It wasn't 1984, it was on the internet ;_;
I don't pretend to defend myself, but please no-one think it was motherfucking 1984 !
>>20 is Waha.06x36 and the book was Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius on the internet: http://aegis.ateneo.net/fted/tlontext.htm
As the only person smart enough to post poetry in a short story critique thread, I'd like someone to read it and actually STAY ON TOPIC. How about that.
Also, sarcasm was used in the above. Please don't get angry.
>>25
You have no control over the topic. If you want us to talk about something else post your own damn story and maybe if we're interested we'll talk about that.
lol it was not the Bible nor anything else you ever heard of so let's post some stories u fags
>>26
...I did post stuff. I'll post an actual piece of prose, though, if you'd like. Part of a story I wrote last year (the whole thing's too long for it to go on here)
______________________________________________________________
> So you do,
don't fucking tell me what I did when i was nine.
I give scathing comments:
Sometimes the overly laconic writing collapses into an ad-hoc narrative, sadly right at the start:
>Laying down on the soft grey carpet in a patch of sun reminds you of the Garfield cartoons you like to read every Sunday.
sorry but i have to correct a mistake in >>8, neta just means "stuff", in the sense of stuff produced or brought, and I'm not sure it has the explicit meaning "crap".
i saw the old neomugicha thread, where the amazing post is referred to as "bus-hijacking neta on ayashii world!" i think it just means "stuff" here
http://www.humblefool.net/Italian.doc
Sorry, but I don't have the resources to convert this from .doc right now. A humor piece for a writing magazine. Still waiting on whether I get in or not.
>>29 Second person is the worst decision you can make about a story. Period. A pain in the ass to read.
>>36 Agnes is the most sympathetic character in the entire story.
A few notes/critique points:
Agnes was a short woman, and might be described as energetic or enthusiastic, but only if she was talking; any other time, she was a dried husk of a woman. Fortunately for her, this was almost constantly.
Since this thread is slow i'm just going to type up something here... alright, here goes.
I am curled up in the corner of my room, a little ball of shit and flesh.
I cannot read anything with the word "oniichan" without vomitting. That was a bad choice on your part, but now you know better and will never write anything with that word again.
Way to copy and paste from a stupid incest manga.
>>44
I kopipe'd the storyline, but I wrote the story myself... I was in a sort of trance and didn't realize how awful it was.
To this day, nobody knows who the terrorists were.
That's not to say that we don't know how they did it. They left the bags of limbs behind for doctors to examine, usually in public places where everyone could see, and the victims could be suitably embarrassed. The blowtorches, tranquilizers, and anasthetic used to do the dirty work were usually disposed of in trash cans.
a story I'm currently writing, I'm just on chapter 2 tho, trying to make the best of my crappy literature skills
In a world of demons where they call themselves Riyadhs, there resides a special man named Lagos who holds such power that even the King himself desires. But Lagos sides with neither the demons, humans and the angels. What will become of him as he escapes the grasp of those who desires his powers?
It was a strange sort of relationship. The dogs, of course, could not use sign language. But they all learned how to read it. The empathy of the two groups for each other, again, appealed perfectly to human nature. The mutes had to prepare all the food and make proper facilities for the dogs, but this task didn't seem to burden them too much. For many of them, the dogs were people they knew. If they were friends, they only wanted to help them; if they were enemies, they must have felt smug satisfaction at being desparately needed by the people who had rejected them.
Here's my story
harry leened over and kissed the girl her name was Silver Anna Marie Coral James and she was 14 and harry was 15. he was harry potter and he was famous in the wizarding world cause he went to hogwarts the wizard school. Silver kissed him back and they kissed a lot for the next few minutes "why did you kiss me" silver said "i didnt know you liked me like that" "i do" said harry "and i'm going with dumbldore to find voldmorts horcruz and if i dont come back i want to have kissed you first" Silver blushed "oh harry come on youll come back because im waiting for you" harry shrugged "i hope i do"
are you kidding?
>>50
I'm scared.
I'm going to rebelliously post poetry in a short story thread. You gotta admire my dedication to anarchy.
You niggers, stop molesting definite articulation. You're supposed to tell a story, not point out a bunch of props and persons, expecting the reader to make up his own context.