[MYSTERY] Murder Mystery Thread [MURDER] (117)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7113 00:07

Oh no, >>0 has been murdered!

>>2, inspect the body and tell us what you find. I've phoned for a detective; he should be here some time around >>8. In the mean time, >>3-7, come up with some theories!

68 Name: Minister of Relevance (Current mood: Flirty) : 1993-09-7121 09:27

>>67
Who are you to tell me how I'm feeling? How 'bout you show me your credentials. ;)

69 Name: Dramaqueen of DQN : 1993-09-7121 10:26

BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN AND HANG THAT MINISTER OF MOODS! HE WASTED MILLIONS ON HIS MOODS! HANG HIM IMMEDIATELY!!

70 Name: Minister of Quiet : 1993-09-7121 15:28

Shhh

71 Name: Minister of Loud Noises : 1993-09-7121 18:57

DISREGARD THAT MINISTER, BE UNQUIET.

72 Name: Det. Sgt. Helpful : 1993-09-7121 19:09

The Angry Police Captain has been shot!

73 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7121 22:04

Seriously though, >>22 had the right idea. Everybody grab your pitchforks and let's go invade the Unholy Citadel!

Disclaimer: any proposed invasion should take the form seen in our previous attempted invasion of another website. In particular, see here.

74 Name: Video Gainer : 1993-09-7122 00:55

No, let's make weird Portal 2 co-op maps!

75 Name: Minister of Bees : 1993-09-7122 00:59

Why? This is clearly a conspiracy to attack the unholy citadel, they have not really done anything to us. Also since they are not Elitists and instead simply have eternity on our side time does not pass there so we would never be able to return.

76 Name: Minister of Peace : 1993-09-7122 01:45

>>75
Oh, we will just slaughter them all and build DQN anew. It would be even more Elitist.

77 Name: Minister of The River Styx : 1993-09-7122 04:07

>>76
But the unholy citadel is nearly the same as DQN, but dead. It's where dead DQN go.

78 Name: Minister of Chickens : 1993-09-7122 04:40

BawbAWWWK! Brawk bawk bok bok bok baBRARARKKRAUCK!

79 Name: Irritated Private Eye : 1993-09-7122 05:48

*The Ministers were clowning around as if we were in a three ring murder circus. A minister for every animal, mineral, and vegetable. Something about that Minister of Murder struck me the wrong way. He was as shady as a palm tree on a tropical island. He seemed like the only one able to keep quiet in this madhouse.

What's my stake in this case? A personal connection with the victim? A sense of moral obligation? A penchant for solving crimes? No. Self interest. If I didn't solve this case my career would be as dead as the Grandpa.*

It looks like there's a note in >>0's coat pocket. It seems to be a romantic letter.

80 Name: Minister of Conspiracy Theories : 1993-09-7122 06:00

It's a lie! >>0 never existed in the first place! It's all a big government cover up!

81 Name: Minister of Decoding : 1993-09-7122 06:14

What are you fools doing? Did anybody ever get those bagels? Has anybody called the Minister of Ministries in here to sort out the other demands?

Since the answer to all those questions is 'no' I'm guessing our ministry forgot to release the decoded message in >>52 to the public. Well, here it is:

"Nice job decoding, it seems that at least one ministry can do their job correctly.

Anyway, yes I killed >>0. And I will kill again. >>89. I will kill >>89, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

However if:

You have not decoded this by >>75, I WILL kill more. I MAY even decide to kill more if you HAVE decoded it by >>75! That's how much of a psycho I am!

Anyway, if you want to stop me from killing altogether (Except >>89. >>89 is good as dead already), I have a few demands that need to be met. Deliver these demands to the Minster of Ministries.

  1. Dissolve the Ministry of Keeping the People Down
  2. Dissolve the Ministry of Destroying the Environment
  3. Create the Ministry of Helping Others
  4. Give me four bagels, with cream cheese, at >>78

You have been warned,
Murderer of >>0"

82 Name: Ministry of Poultry Communications : 1993-09-7122 06:19

Hello, >>81, there's no need to stress out. All is not quite lost. For the ministry of decoding it seems you're completely helpless when it comes to decoding chicken, or else you would have known that >>78 said,

"Hello sirs and madams, I brought the bagels and cream cheese you asked for. I hope that the murderer finds it quite to her or his satisfcation."

83 Name: Ministry of Doubt : 1993-09-7122 07:14

>>82
How do I know you're not just making all this up!

84 Name: Minister of Assassination : 1993-09-7122 14:05

I have received a report from the assassins that I send after >>0's murderer. They inform me that they followed their trail to the tunnel network that connects the Superstructure with the Unholy Citadel. It seems that the murderer may have entered the Citadel...

I don't know about the authenticity of the message that >>81 decoded, but I'm sure that >>89's death has been avoided, for now.

85 Name: The Rat : 1993-09-7122 17:38

I don't know who murdered >>0, but >>87 killed JFK. I thought you might be interested.

86 Name: Minister of Ignorance : 1993-09-7123 04:35

>>85
JF who?

87 Name: Central Intelligence Agency : 1993-09-7123 05:23

Just dropping in.

88 Name: Minister of Confidence : 1993-09-7123 11:00

>>83
Don't worry, I'm sure he's telling the truth.

89 Name: Minister of Bagels : 1993-09-7123 11:04

The murderer needs to be stopped at all costs!
gets shot

90 Name: Enda O'Ryan : 1993-09-7123 23:37

I'm not the murderer, I was just passing by.

91 Name: Minister of Cream Cheese : 1993-09-7125 03:48

Well, this is going to be bad for business.

92 Name: Minister of Death : 1993-09-7133 03:23

I'll bet he fled to the [CYOA] threads >>37, we will catch him there!

93 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7134 10:27

>>90
You son of a witch! I'm going to tuck you up!

94 Name: Minister of Time : 1993-09-7148 11:40

Have you still not caught him?

95 Name: Manister of Canister : 1993-09-7148 15:53

Whaaaaaaa

96 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7148 18:11

( ・ω・) Ooh! Ooh! I know who the murderer is! Pick me, pick me!

97 Name: Minister of Picking : 1993-09-7148 23:03

>>96 Who is it?

98 Name: Minister of Abbreviations : 1993-09-7149 08:26

>>97
You are... Oh, OMG, this is so amusing! You are a MOP!

99 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7149 10:30

( ・ω・) It was >>1!

100 Name: Minister of Conspiracy : 1993-09-7149 12:21

It was actually a seditious minister trying to goad war with the unholy citadel so he could use his ties with an arms company to profit from the war.

101 Name: Minister of Sedition : 1993-09-7149 12:40

>>100
I would never do such a thing, and I can't stand the thought of living under a government that would accuse me of such! Let's burn down the capital and throw out those bums in charge!

102 Name: Minister of Packing Something : 1993-09-7149 16:05

I'll pack the powder!

103 Name: Minister of Battle Cries : 1993-09-7149 16:50

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
OBLITERATE THE CABAL!
NEW THREAD!

104 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7149 18:17

Now that the ministers are all gone, let's get back to finding out who the murderer is!

105 Name: Minister of Finding things : 1993-09-7149 18:40

Where did they go?

106 Name: Informant : 1993-09-7149 18:47

Secret anti-government meeting place

107 Name: Dramaqueen of DQN : 1993-09-7150 01:42

WHAT! HOW DARE ARE YOU TO LEAVE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!

EVERYONE, GO TO THE DUNGEON! MINISTER OF REPEATING TELL OTHER MINISTERS TO GO TO THE DUNGEON!!

108 Name: Minister of Causeless Rebelling : 1993-09-7150 01:56

Sorry, toots, I'm the minister of causeless rebelling now. I'm gonna ride into the sunset.

109 Name: Minidyrt og Deungeons : 1993-09-7150 02:37

Why do I have to deal with all of those people?

110 Name: Minister of Unconscious Retrospective Negative Emo Reflecting : 1993-09-7150 13:12

I do not think that we are meant by the history to survive.
We do not need queens. We do not need dungeons.

Let us find the murderer and murder him. Then shall we keep
murdering, for the end of the humankind is inevitable.

111 Name: Pooply, detective : 1993-09-7218 13:41

― At ease, ministers. Name's Pooply, detective. I see you got yourself a bunch of stiffs and nobody to solve the crime.
With these words a coated man looking exactly like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner entered the room. Clearly he was a bitter cop, unknown to pleasures of everyday life, a man who long abandoned his dreams.

112 Name: Minister of Observation : 1993-09-7218 14:19

Pooply here appears to be narrating current events.

113 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 19:08

Detective Pooply demanded, "So, where is the first victim? Lead me to the crime scene. I will catch that rascal in no time!"
Ministers just stood there, surprised and speechless because of Pooply's narrative.
"Come on, you lazy slobs!" detective Pooply urged them, "Crime won't solve itself. I will solve it."

114 Name: Flustered Reporter : 1993-09-7408 02:40

This just in! I'm reporting from the scene of the crime, and it appears police have just found a new piece of evidence. It's...it's a fairly nice shirt!!

115 Name: Minister of Knitting : 1993-09-7408 03:02

It's not mine, all my shirts are fairly bad.

116 Name: Minister of Dancing : 1993-09-7498 23:25

     | \
     |Д`)   No one is here.
     |⊂     It is my duty to dance now.
     |

     ♪  ☆
   ♪   / \    RANTA TAN
      ヽ(´Д`;)ノ   RANTA TAN
         (  へ)    RANTA RANTA
          く       TAN

   ♪    ☆
     ♪ / \   RANTA RANTA
      ヽ(;´Д`)ノ  RANTA TAN
         (へ  )    RANTA TANTA
             >    TAN

117 Name: Minister of VORUDEMOTO : 1993-09-8567 14:13

VORUDEMOTO has been requested by a VORUDEMOTO request form filled out in triplicate and double sealed.
It will now be presented
VORUDEMOTO

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