I remember when I became an SJW just like it was yesterday. I was walking through a dark wood. I was alone. The full moon peaked shyly from among the tops of the trees, too coy to give me light to see. Yet I continued through the woods, slowly, ploddingly. And then, I saw it. It's eyes burning with malevolent rage, it's breath hot and thick on the freezing cold night.
An SJW.
Clothed in an XXL t-shirt emblazoned with the words "Male Tears = Delicious", it's corpusculent, asexual body was aglow with evil rage. It howled a horrible howl into the winter night. "SHIIIIIIITTTTLOOOOORRRRDDDD." And I did what any rational, STEM major atheist person would do. I stopped. I turned. And I ran.
As I ran, my athletic body dodged the trees with the grace and cunning of a gorgeous white tailed doe running from a gun shot. I turned, ever so briefly, and saw the SJW crashing clumsily through the trees, each 400 year old oak that stood in its path flattened by the rampaging feminist. And then I tripped over a gnarled root. In an instant, I knew my life as a computer engineer and professional bodybuilder was over. And then the SJW was on me, pinning my perfect body to the ground. I could bench 325 for reps, but it weighed too much. I was weak, xadies and xentlemen. Too weak.
It clawed at my flesh with hairy arms, hairy armpits, hairy legs. The hair on its head was cut short and dyed a curious shade of magenta. To this day the smell, a mix of corn nuts and estrogen, haunts me. I struggled until I could no longer struggle. My eyes teared up in defeat.
"Cisgendered, yes?" It snarled in pidgin English. "Delicious morsel of Cis scum. My blog will love. Oh, but just a bite. To destroy such delicious patriarchy, yes. Just one bite before I end your white, male privilege." I was to be eaten by this monster. To my left, a man in shining white armor stood by and looked at the scene, approvingly. The SJW took a long bite into my perfectly formed deltoid, the blood gushing from its mouth onto the cold surface of the ground below.
Suddenly, a shot rang out in the darkness. The SJW turned and looked, then howled in rage and fear. It scampered off into the night on all fours, it's white knight following just behind, whispering platitudes. A group of men in Guy Fawkes masks looked at my broken body, my life blood oozing from my perfect shoulders. They took me in. Nursed me in their home, a hoke they called 8chan.
But it was too late. I stopped being an egalitarian. I became a feminist.
My body began gaining weight rapidly. I began to accuse my saviors of being complicit in the oppression of minorities and women. My shoulders slumped and my nose looked more and more Jewish as the days went on. Then, before I knew it, I was writing articles about the differences in male and female armor in fantasy games for Polygon. My hair is blue when when it was once a glorious ebony. My penis is shriveled and shrimpy when it was once long and thick and firm. I used to be a pussy slaying alpha. I am a beta now.
I am an SJW. The transformation is complete. I feel the hunger. The energy. When the moon is full and raw, I will tweet about shirts. I will be sated.