I imagine being born someone else, someone who deserves to be loved and happy. Someone with a beautiful soul and a heart full of reciprocated love. But I'm not anyone at all and no one will ever love me the way I am and I hate it. I hate me so badly. And I am so, so scared of changing me because I feel like no matter what I will do people will always be disgusted by me and hate me the way I have been my entire life. I have no friends and I have never felt loved or understood. I want something I haven't felt and have never experienced but I want it so, so badly. I want someone to love me. I want to love someone so badly it hurts. I want to love someone who loves me. No matter what I do though I will always be fucked up.

every day crushes me to the point of death. i'm drowning. it gets harder and harder to get by but i have no other choice. i'm swimming for a shore that's been out of sight for so long i'm no longer sure it exists but i want to believe so, so badly.

it's like i've been swimming for so long and every day i tell myself if i can make it through today i will be alright and i tell myself everyday and the only thing that keeps me going is the fantasy that someday there is somewhere someplace waiting for me where i can feel at home but i've been swimming for so long that i can't remember what it's like to be there and every day my arms are heavier and heavier and heavier and i know one day i will lay them down and sink and there is a shadow so deep and dark beneath me and i am so, so, so scared of what it is.

i'm praying for a strength i hope is still coming.

i think i deserve to be happy one day.