Sometimes you just have to do something embarrassing for a girl, like go to a Hanson concert. Tell us some embarrassing things you've done because you liked/loved someone.
I liked your story and am happy that you've improved yourself, even if it was for someone you didn't get.
Btw, what does this "orz" thing mean?
orz = smaller version of ＿|￣|о thats facing the other direction, yeah, ull see it eventually, i didnt at first either
and ＿|￣|о is a guy on his hands and knees. sort of a "I fail" pose.
ohhhhh
>>21
Nothing is too long to post here.
So, I guess I'm alot like you guys on 4-ch. I used to love anime, manga, games, music, you know, geek/otaku/wap stuff. I pretty much gave all of my free time to my hobbies. Well, they weren't really hobbies back then since they were basically my life.
I never had a real social life. I was pretty overweight, too. I had a baby-face and didn't look my age. My skin was pretty pale and I didn't have good hygiene. I didn't eat right, didn't exercise, didn't take care of myself at all. Basically, I was a mess, but I didn't care. As far as I knew, I was going to live like this until I was dead. Never having any friends, never being important to anybody, never being that guy that people want to be around, and eventually I accepted that ...
I was okay with it.
It's hard to believe that I lived like that until my sophomore year of high school. But I guess I never really cared about anything that happened outside of games and anime. I couldn't make my way around my small town without getting lost even though I've lived here all my life, but I could tell you every Gundam series in chronological order. I didn't have fond memories of family gatherings or holidays with friends, my best memories were of all the sleepless nights I had while trying to complete RPGs.
I still remember that first day of my 10th grade year like it was yesterday.
Basically, you could say my new life started on this day.
I was expecting another year of not attending school social events and sitting quietly in class wishing I was at home playing games and watching anime. What would happen this year was something I never would have expected ever in my life.
I met a girl. That girl. THE girl. The one all of us dream about.
It was 4th period, Art I, right after lunch. A blow off class. I've been in an art class in almost every year I've been in school. Art I is interesting because it's a class where all different types of people gather. Art is a required course, so everyone has to take it at some point. Seniors, juniors, sophomores, freshman, they're all there.
I still remember sitting with a group of guys that always teased me, like calling me John Daly and Phil (John Daly being the big golf player, earned the nickname when I took Golf for an athletic credit my freshman year and Phil being Bam Margera's dad, earned because they like to steal licks from my arm when I'm not looking) They were nothing too creative, just ways of calling me fat. I didn't care, though. They were popular guys, and I needed all the friends I could get.
I was a loser.
And then in the middle table, all the seniors sat together. Some guy I'd never seen before. Some girl that looked pretty average.
And then the most beautiful thing that I had ever laid eyes on.
I don't think I took my eyes off of her once that entire time. As weird as it sounds, it wasn't a sexual attraction. She just looked like a gentle and warm person. I don't know how to explain it. I got such weird feelings. All I knew was, she was popular and beautiful, and I was just lucky to be able to see her.
When I got home that day, I felt ... different. I felt like I couldn't wait to get back to school. I felt like I couldn't wait for tomorrow to arrive. I've never felt like this before. And then I figured out why.
That girl was something to look forward to.
So, I did something I'd never done before. I woke up early that morning, took a shower, and put on cologne. I also picked out something nice to wear. She would never notice me, but I didn't care. I felt like I had to do something special just because I would be in her prescense.
That day was the turning point. It was the day that Heaven decided to shine down on me. It was the day that she sat next to me. A day that I'll never forget.
The teacher had placed us in partners to do a group project for our first assignment. I was placed in a group with the other senior girl. My friends were at the table across from us, all of them teasing me from across the room and trying to get the girl to pay attention to me. She kept trying to talk to me, but I was too shy to respond. My eyes were on that girl. Sitting at the table behind me. She was in a group with 2 other people since there were no more groups left.
But then something amazing happened. The girl that sat next to me had her schedule changed, and so I was alone. But, the teacher told her to do the project with me since she was in a group of 3
OMFG
My face turned red, I started to sweat like I've never sweated before, my mouth went so dry that my tounge was sticking to the roof of my mouth. I could almost hear my own blood pumping. I was nervous like I've never been before. I just sat there, going over the same lines over and over again until she decided to take over.
"Could you pass me that marker?" were her first words to me.
I tried to be casual and say "Yeah" but my voice cracked half way through and I just quietly reached for the marker
But my hands were so sweaty that I couldn't pull the cap off for her. I put it under the table in my lap and I pulled at it as hard as I could, but my hands just kept slipping off. In a panic, I tried to wipe off all the sweat with my shirt and pass it to her without her seeing
She saw it. And she laughed a little. I have no idea what happened the rest of that day. All I remember is her face and how she looked. I think we had some small talk and introduced ourselves. I was in a complete daze.
When I got home that day, I was happier than I'd ever been before in my life. But then I suddenly realized how digusting I looked.
I just couldn't figure out why she tried to talk to me and get to know me when I looked like this. I wasn't attractive at all. I went to weigh myself right away.
275 lbs. I was around 5'10" or so. Not good. Not good at all. Then and there, I decided to lose weight. I know it sounds shallow, but I thought if she would speak to me at my worst, then she could only like me more if I made myself look better.
I did a crazy weight loss program. I dropped every bad habit I ever had. I started exercising, eating less, taking vitamins, drinking nothing but water, I went all out.
And all of my motivation came from knowing that I would have her company for another day
Over the next few days, she told me more about herself. We talked more and more, but I found myself having less and less to say. I then realized that it was because we had completely different interests and she had no idea that I was an otaku. I succeeded in fooling her, but I was in a bad situation.
I needed new hobbies and I needed a social life. Immediately.
And so I underwent a project to cleanse myself of every unattractive quality about myself and my hobbies. I cleared out my room. I packed away all of my anime, manga, figures, posters, everything. I purged my computer of J-Pop, idol pictures, anime, scanned manga, everything. I didn't want my room to look completely bare, so I decorated it with harmless things like piggy banks, colognes, framed pictures, flowers, stuffed toys, candles, ect. I researched pop music charts and artists. I watched MTV. I bought a new wardrobe to accomodate my shrinking frame. I watched real films and read new books.
I was becoming a different person. But why? I looked down at my right hand and I saw the little scribble she made on my hand with a black marker. She wrote my name + her name. To her, it was probably just harmless flirting.
But to me, it was the most precious thing I'd ever owned. I was doing this all for her.
I guess I was growing to like my new image, too. Even though getting rid of all my anime and manga was heartbreaking, I still liked what I was becoming. I saw cheek bones, arm muscles, leg muscles, bones in my chest, bones in my wrist, thing I'd never seen on my body before. And for the first time in my life, I thought I looked somewhat normal.
It wasn't long before my birthday rolled around only 2 months after school started. I wasn't expecting to recieve anything, but she gave me a hand-made birthday card that simply read:
Yaay *****!
My buddy!
-***** (Names censored for privacy, sorry ...)
I read it over and over again. I examined every line, every stroke the pen made. I couldn't believe that a female, alive in this world, actually took time to do this for me. I just couldn't believe it.
I really am pathetic, but this is how I honestly felt.
I then started thinking about everything. It had only been 3 months, but I had already changed so much. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I thought about her all the time, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I listened intently to every word that came out of her mouth. Whenever I would speak or tell a funny story, I would only look at her because her reaction was the only one I cared about. Whenever I was near her, I was the most physically uncomfortable I'd ever been. I would sweat, my voice would crack, my face would turn red.
But I didn't care.
I was with her.
This was more than shyness or nervousness. This was something I'd never felt before in my life.
I was in love with her.
We continued our little Art class relationship for the next month or so before something terrible happened. She got into a car wreck. She walked away mostly un-harmed, but due to her parent's displeasure, she was forced to take a Driver's Ed course. When she asked if anyone else would be in Driver's Ed on November 8th, I told her "I am."
The truth was, I had no interest in taking driver's ed. But I paid the $400 just so I could spend some more time with her. She always showed up 5 minutes late, so most of the chairs were taken, but she always picked the one nearest to me and always looked at me and smiled when she walked in. Whenever we would take a break, she would always complain to me about how ridiculous it was that she was driving herself to driver's ed and how much she didn't want to be there.
And whenever we had to do simluators on the computers, she always dropped hints to where she was sitting, but I was too stupid to pick up on them. She would say things like "I'm sitting over there, so ... don't take that seat. I don't think there's anyone sitting next to it, though ..." and my idiot reply "Oh. That's okay. I always sit way over there anyways."
I was such an idiot. However, I can't be so hard on myself. I was still having trouble comprehending her reasons for even acknowledging my existence. That is how foreign the concept of a girl wanting to interact with me was.
But it was this stupidity of mine that lead to my own downfall. Even though I looked better, felt better, ate better, and lived better, I was still pushing her away from me. Every time she would talk to me in the hall way, I would always act like I had something better to do. When she invited me to sit with her table at lunch, I declined. When she waited for me to start a conversation with her instead of the other way around, I just ignored her and let the awkward silence take over. I always told her to stop it when she started flirting around when in reality I never wanted her to stop.
She even told me something that I thought I would never hear from anyone
"I love you"
She probably wasn't serious, but I could tell by her face that she wasn't joking, either. In context, she said after making a jokingly rude comment. I just didn't know what to say, I just looked down at my desk and stared. I just couldn't bring myself to reciprocate her feelings. I had no confidence. I was defeated.
Eventually, she just started ignoring me. She still sat at the same table with me, just in the diagnol seat instead of the one next to me. She hardly talked to me anymore.
Even those guys that used to pick on me picked up on what was happening and they always tried to direct her attention back to me. I can never thank those guys enough for their concerns and I'm sincerely thankful to them for their help.
But I was just too stupid. Too shy. I had no confidence in myself. Confidence is what girls are attracted to most in a guy, and I didn't have that at all. I was thin and had expensive clothes, but what did that matter?
I didn't have her.
I became quiet, too. I just started sitting there, not saying anything. The guys tried to cheer me up by asking what was wrong with me loud enough for her to hear. I saw her eyes connect with mine every time, and I could see her concern, but she would try to play it off and turn back around. I would always do the same. We just drifted apart. I just told myself that she had her own life, too. She had no responsibility to me at all, and I was lucky that she even spoke to me.
I'm not sure what happened on our last day together, but when she saw me, she had the biggest smile on her face and she gave me a light punch to the shoulder and she started talking to me again like nothing had ever happened.
I never felt so relieved before in my life.
She even drew a picture of me as a joke and kept it in her notebook. I noticed she didn't just throw it away. When that day ended, she didn't look happy at all. I didn't know what to do, so I just quietly slid past her and left.
And that was the last time I saw ever saw her.
So, what was the result of that school year? My life basically changed completely. I had given up my wotaku ways, and I had lost the first love of my life forever. So much happened to me, and I came so far. I really was proud of myself.
Even now, it's hard for me to imagine what I had accomplished on my own. I didn't have anyone pushing me except for myself, my only motivation was her.
Even though she's in college now and probably doesn't even remember my name, I'm okay with that now. I have my memories of her and the feelings she gave me, and that's all I need.
I still keep her senior picture she gave me and her birthday card to me in a box in my room. I still look at them all the time. The fact that someone like me could have been given things like these is simply amazing. They're still the most precious things that I own.
Even though I still feel depressed over how things turned out, I would still rather die with these memories than to live forever without them. That is how much she means to me.
If you think this story was stupid or pathetic, I completely understand. However, this was how I honestly felt and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
Thank you 4-ch for allowing me to share my story. I feel like I've grown up a little from recalling these events. Once again, thank you.
>>21
I was really moved by the story. I've felt the same self-doubt and been as clueless in such matters. It left me feeling half sympathetic and half wanting to kick your ass for losing her, but then I realize I should be kicking my own ass too.
Oh, thank you, I never even thought of posting it in segments
I'm really happy that you read it and can relate to me somehow. I never felt as alone as I did then, I didn't know about 4ch and I didn't have anyone giving me any advice at all. Thank you so much for your comments ...
Good story, 21. Hope you find someone in the future.
Thank you so much >>32
You guys, your comments really do mean a lot to me ...
awesome story 21. replacing anime with pop music... thats some serious self dicipline
No problem. I also went trough something similar like you, used to be a animu nerd (well, still am, but not as terrible as it used to be), really socially inapt, escapist etc., but I changed trough finding friends, going out and actually facing the world, which made me realise how much I wasted my life.
Think of it this way, you may have lost a girl, but you drastically improved yourself and gained experience, something that will last you for life. Just keep on going this right track and don't fall back in your old life, which I believe didn't honestly make you happy, no?
Yeah, it was hard trying to get rid of my obsessions, but like I said before: I did things I thought I'd never be able to do. I really did learn alot about myself through this experience
I know exactly what you're saying. For me, it didn't really make me happy. To give you an idea of how hopeless I was, if I somehow spoke to myself in the past and told this story, I wouldn't believe it at all.
Once again, thanks for reading guys. I'm really glad that I was able to share this with people who can relate to it
and why do we do all these things
all the silly things lovers do
the silly things lovers do
the silly things lovers do
21 i was realy touched by your story, i was wondering how long ago was it that u last saw her? and is it possible for u to conact her at all?
i dont know about the rest of u but i want 21's story to end with a happy ending, its just so sad
orz
I know what you mean. That was kinda heartbreaking but touching at the same time.
>>21 really is a great story
Hi guys, it's 21
I just wanted to thank you for your kind words again. I just can't say it enough, it means that much to me to be able to share this with other people. Thank you for your concerns.
Unfortunately, I don't believe things were meant to end the way that they did, but I just have to accept what I can't change. She's in college now, and I'm sure she's happy. I just couldn't bring myself to bother her. To be honest, I'm not even sure if she would remember my name. After all, it will be exactly one year in May since I last saw her face.
It's strange, even now when I think back to those days we spent together, I can't help but think of them like it was just a dream. These posts are like a confirmation that I wasn't just dreaming ...
21, I'm seriously jealous of you. It must have been wonderful to have such a strong feeling that made you want to change yourself so much... if only she knew how much you did because of her. That was seriously touching.
I wish I could feel that as well.
Thank you >>42 for your nice comments
I thought for a long time about how to respond, but I honestly don't know what to say.
This was one of the most confusing, uncomfortable and painful times of my entire life. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love her and I miss her and your post makes me feel even more blessed to have known her.
Once again, thank you for your words
-21
Self-improvment is masturbation
>>45
... is the little explosion at the end, and the resulting mess
You guys are getting creative now, hehe
I hope everyone is well
-21
if we were well, we wouldn't be here
That can't be said for everyone
>>49
quiet you
Well, I'm here again. It's 21.
Right now, it's around 4 AM on Monday, May 8th. My Junior year is coming closer and closer to an end. After the summer, I'll be a senior. Then after that, I'll be in college. My life seems to be moving in places that I never thought it would.
As I look back at this year, I feel so many emotions. I've done all the things that people my age do. I've been to parties, gotten drunk, spread gossip, flirted around, ect. Even though this is what I've always wanted (to be a normal guy) I can't help but feel bittersweet about it. I know that the only reason I was able to do any of this was because of her.
As soon as I met her, I began walking down a different path in life. The road less traveled, the one that made all the difference. Guys like me usually never attempt to go down this path because of the fear of getting lost, or getting hurt, or wanting to give up because you found it to be too hard. I was lucky enough to have a guiding light all along the way.
But when my shining light left me, I was surprised to see that the road ahead of me wasn't dark anymore. And the more I walked, the more I looked back at my foot prints.
It was a difficult path.
Lately, I've been gaining weight, drinking too much, and not getting anything done. I've been lacking motivation to do anything, even simple things like tidying up my room or showering. My grades are suffering, and my work isn't getting done. People are just saying that it's because school is almost over with.
It has nothing to do with that. This month marks one year since I last saw her face in person. The depression that hits me when I think about her not being with me is too much for me to handle. I've been able to avoid it in the past, but not this time.
I was feeling helpless and lost all over again. But then I took a look back at what I went through, and like I said, it was a difficult path. She showed me the way, and now I want to find my own way back.
It probably won't be easy getting myself back to the world of the living, but please wish me luck ... I hate to make this seem like some kind of Livejournal diary, but I had to get this off of my chest in one way or another ...
I won't go face the world today. I'll rest and forget about school for a day. I need to clear my head ...
you are not alone! sometimes you just have to force yourself to move on. it's as simple and difficult as that
>>51
You should attempt to spend some time with her, if even for a day. Do you know what university she is studying at? When she may have a holiday? Obviously I don't know your situation inside and out, but a casual lunch with an 'old friend' is socially appropriate and not uncommon. You have previously expressed concern about topics of conversation (or lack thereof) -- this meeting could be important in that it is an opportunity to talk seriously with her about life, adulthood, etc. as you are both in transition periods.
If anything, a meeting during which your friendship is solidified - even if it is for just one day, and the last time you meet at all - might give you some motivation, point you back in the right direction.
Maybe this is all wishful thinking, but it seems you still could have some important things to tell her about how she affected your life, and even the smallest discussion of this could provide some closure for you.
I shouldn't have saged.
I'm back again, it's 21. I don't even know what this is anymore ... what turned into just sharing a story has turned into something that has completely consumed my life ... Maybe this is just a few posts written by a pathetic loser, but I'm fine with that. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore.
These past few days, I've been thinking about literally everything. My childhood, my otaku days, my friends, my family, school, and yes, her.
It's weird ... I cried so hard when I thought about her. The sound of her voice, the clothes she wore, her facial expressions ... everything was so clear in my mind. I couldn't help but cry ... like I said, it's weird ... I'm even crying a little as I'm writing this ...
As I said before, she took me down a different path in life and she'll never honestly know what she did for me. Maybe she doesn't have to. I turned into a train wreck when I started thinking about this month and how it marks the last time I saw her face. Why did this happen to me?
I think it's time to accept the facts: This girl changed me forever and became apart of my life that I can't live without. I love her, I miss her, I feel like I'm going to die when I think about her being gone.
It used to embarrass me when I would think about this, but not anymore ... I love her ... Do you want to know what it feels like to be around someone you can't live without?
Imagine a mass of warmth that sits in the pit of your stomach and works its way up to the back of your throat. That invigorating feelings that excites you and motivates you to be a better person just because you're around her. Imagine not being able to wait for tomorrow to arrive so that you can see her again. Imagine that undying gratitude you feel for just being alive to see her.
Now, imagine all of that being taken away just as quickly as it came ... I don't have any plans or answers this time, guys. All I can say is that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and try to focus on the things that I need to focus on (school, graduating, moving out, going to college) Will I think about her? Of course. She's a constant reminder of what it felt like to be alive.
"You should attempt to spend some time with her, if even for a day." - I can't say that I can make this happen, but let's just say that if this ever does take place ... I'll be ready
I should just hurry up and hit the 'reply' button before I get too embarrassed to post this ...
I know how it feels to be unable to be with someone who's changed your life so much. I handled it by realizing that she has her own life and I have mine. She brought me this far and it's up to me to keep on going. She can't carry me forever. I guess it made things easier to knowing that she recently got a boyfriend and is really happy.
>>21 The best advice I think I can give you is to look forward to future relationships. Don't stop taking care of yourself physically, but at the same time don't feel bad if you slip a little and gain some weight (I have!). Your image is very important to your social life, and you should think of it as important. I'm not meaning to sound shallow or anything, but you should always strive to look your best. It's only healthy!
To get back on track though, you need to meet more people! I went through a bad break up in a long relationship last year, and I was very depressed. My friends were very helpful in restoring myself. Not as close friends to talk to about my problems or anything like that, but friends to have fun with. Spend time with your friends, or if you don't have any friends, go make some (can be easier said than done, I know).
Think about what it will be like to meet a girl that you like who also shares your interests! It will happen eventually, just make sure you're keeping a lookout instead of moping about the past. It's good that you improved yourself because of the passion you had for her, but don't ruin yourself because you didn't get her. If you never see her again, don't dwell on it. I have made mistakes in the past, but nowadays I don't regret those mistakes. You've learned a lot through this. You've learned what you're capable of. Just live your life and work towards making more meaningful relationships.
D':
i commented on your blogspot! ^^"
gosh.....i feel..so sad. Maybe the thing to do is move on?
It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who's life has been changed by an amazing girl.
BANZAI 21!! BANZAIIII!!!!
Your past relationships, even if they aren't "the one" that lasts forever, still help determine who you can be, relationship wise. Take something from each relationship and make yourself better for it. But there's no use dwelling on a relationship that's gone.
That was inspiring. Very touching. Like >>57 said you need to look forward to future relationships. You may still feel it know, since it doesn't seem to be that long ago, but sooner or later your going to overcome this mild depression and end up picking yourself up again. Start with baby steps like keep a steady work out so you can feel refreshed after you do a couple reps. A well balanced diet is also good. Keep away from the fatty foods can also bring your spirits up.
Or better yet, you can try something new. Pick up a hobby or two and get involved so you can relate with people more. There's always new things you can try, and as long as it doesn't involve altillery and jumping off things, it should be relatively safe :3
>>1, don't ask how I know this, but there is a Japanese AV which actually depicts what you described. -_-''
posted in wrong thread...apologies.
It's 21
I don't know how many of you have read the blog called KoreaLife, but it was by a pretty well known and beloved blogger named Shawn who commited suicide recently. I loved reading his blog, but I couldn't believe what I read about his death: http://chinavlog.typepad.com/china_video_blog/2006/05/shawns_final_st.html
His depression drove him to jump off the roof of his apartment in Beijing. It all started when he got basically got rejected by a girl who found his blog and read things she probably shouldn't have.
A girl. He loved her more than anything. He lost her. Now, he's gone. It really sounded too familiar for me to even begin to be comfortable with ...
If this isn't a wake up call, then I don't know what is ... Suddenly, my situation didn't seem so bad. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but I feel like I've found the strength to go on and make things happen rather than sit around and rot to death in my room, being sad over things I can't change
Wasn't it obvious all along that I needed to move on? Of course, but it was HARD. It doesn't seem so hard anymore. I have you to thank for that, Shawn. Thank you.
Guys ... your comments were more to me than just words on a screen. Don't think for a second that your reply wasn't appreciated because it was, very sincerely. I think this will be the last time I'll write in this thread. After all, I've been pretty selfish with it all along. I'll let it get back on topic, if at all possible.
Again, thanks. But it's time to move on. I've got alot of work to do to get back to the real world again. And please don't be shy about leaving comments on the Blogspot, I'll read every one of them, I promise.
I didn't expect things to turn out this way at all, but that's life is. Thank you, and good bye (for now, atleast)
Good luck 21, good luck.
It's 21.
I forgot all about this board, this thread, and that Blogspot post. I dug it up today because I wanted to let everyone know that with the advent of Facebook, I finally got back in touch with her. So much has changed.
And now we're engaged.
Just read your story, and wow, it was really amazing. I'm going into grade 12 without ever being in a relationship or feeling love for anybody, but after reading your experiences it really makes me want to find somebody to change my boring lifestyle, like you did.
Anyways, congratulations on both reconnecting with her and your engagement! That's pretty amazing, how both your feelings stood the test of time. Good luck with your future wife! :)
Oh hey, I remember that story. That poor gu-
>And now we're engaged.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Thanks, 68.
69, it's a long story. Like, I said a lot has changed about me, my life, my perspective, just everything has changed. We reconnected over Facebook which was the start of it all. I hate to say this after going back and reading everything I wrote, but she really ... well, let's just say I realized my mental idea her was very different from reality. But still, it all worked out for me.
I'll have to write another story. You guys probably won't even believe it, but I assure you guys that everything will be factual with absolutely no embellishment.
>my mental idea of her was very different from reality.
Heh, saw that coming a mile away. This is usually the case.