Womenz on the internets (14)

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-03 01:37 ID:41u1WAMD

>>10
ah, sorry, I mixed the words. by love I meant crush, and by crush I meant infatuation. Thanks for the clear-up, I gotta study my english more :p

>>11
it's going to be though without writing a long text.... but what the hell, I've been thinking of writing this here for some time now.

I met this guy on the internet years ago, I was about 11, he was 16 and we had pretty much the same interests. He was really, really nice and we became good friends in no time to the point we met irl a few years later. We used to talk online almost everyday, and I realized I was slowly developing a crush on him. Things happened with my life and I became distant from my friends, including him; we talked mostly online (we rarely saw each other irl), and from almost everyday, I started to appear only about once in a month. I realized I wasn't more than a good friend to him and was scared anyway of having a relationship with someone so much older than me.

Actually, after seeing my friends and my own parents, I started to get scared of being in love with someone. I'm scared of being hurt when it's over, I'm scared of having fights, I'm scared of not being good enough, I'm scared of everything bad that love might bring. I'm a very weak person, and my self-confidence is so low you guys wouldn't believe it. I'm 17 now, and I don't feel mature enough to handle all of that.

Anyway, time passed, and even with me being more distant, we never stopped being friends. I got distant to the point I was certain that crush had faded away. But... this year, I entered the same college as him, the same degree as him (I'm his freshman, of course). I knew he was studying there already, my main reason for entering that university wasn't him, though. But that meant going back to talking to him pretty much everyday.

As I said, I thought I didn't have a crush on him anymore, so I wasn't worried about that. Here's where the trouble begins. Since the first day of college, whenever I see him, I get nervous. Like, REALLY nervous. It wasn't like that until this year. When I go talk to him, it's even worse. My mind goes blank, I can't remember the right words, I just say the first thing to come in my mind (much to his confusion at times), I feel my whole body shaking. I just want to talk to him, know more about him, and at the same time, I think I'm unconsiously trying to get him interested in me as well, trying to show him i'm not a kid anymore.

From what I've read from you guys, it's normal to feel this nervous around someone you have a crush on. But to tell the thruth, I never really knew what the hell I felt for him. I mean, when you like someone and want to stay with him/her, you KNOW it, right? I can't say the same for me. I'm too confused, because honestly, I have no idea what makes me feel this affection toward him (It's definitely not his looks... I have to say I was kinda disappointed when I saw him irl for the first time, lol). His kindness to me? His personality? It's something I can't define. He's always been nice to me and now that we're back to seeing each other frequently, I just want to make him smile, to know more about him and to make him know more about me as well.

I don't think it's just friendship if I feel so goddamn nervous just to be around him. But for some reason I can't admit it might be a crush. I'm scared of being with him, somehow, even though I don't have any hopes. I don't know if it's denial either. It might be that my fears and insecurity are getting in the way of understanding my own feelings.

That's about it. i'm sorry for the long and confusing text or any grammar mistakes. Hopefully you guys will understand what i'm trying to say. I tried to keep away the details because I'm way too paranoid he might visit this site as well.

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