Incapable of being loved (41)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 06:42 ID:NeuBBPEA

Do you think there are people who are incapable of being loved? I do. People with so much baggage, grief, self loathing, and emotional and psychological scars who just cannot be loved?

People who look normal, even attractive, but their internal scars are so deep and shocking that one just cannot love them? Who have seen, experienced, and lived horrible lives?

They may come across as witty, slightly aloof, but never let anyone see their true bag of horrors...

Such people exist. I've once been told that there is always someone for everyone. I don't believe it. I don't know what I think or what I want. It would probably be nice to love someone else romantically or to be loved.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 06:47 ID:NeuBBPEA

It would feel so good to find a kindred spirit, and to be myself. To hide nothing. In order to live a normal life in normal society you must wear a mask. A veneer, in order to hide the real ugliness and grotesque scars on the inside. Unspeakable things. Nothing illegal mind you, just shocking.

I know there are "prozac groupies" who are into people with "issues" but they don't care. I'm too ugly on the inside.

I've come to accept my situation, but I pose this question out of curiousity.

3 Name: Kahlan Nightwing : 2006-03-21 06:49 ID:Cv02arSI

I think everyone is capable of being loved. I don't think that everyone is capable of recieving or giving love however. Everyone of us has the ability to love someone else. Everyone has the ability to accept the eccentricities, flaws, and abnormalities in a person.

The question is not are we capable of being loved. Excuse me for being cliched, but the question is are we capable of loving?

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 06:55 ID:NeuBBPEA

>>3

No seriously, I am really doubting my personal capacity for being loved. I can give affection OK, it's just it is hard for me to open up, because when I do I open up too much.

And then people see the ugliness deep in my soul. I'm a good person, I do right whenever I can. I harbor nothing bad, but well, I've had a litany of traumatic experiences in life that are very very bad. As a result it has changed me. Nobody wants to see that kind of ugliness

5 Name: Kahlan Nightwing : 2006-03-21 07:06 ID:Cv02arSI

You are right. No one wants to see that ugliness. Do you know why? Because it might just reflect an ugliness they fear is in inside them.

I don't know what kind of traumatic experience you've had...but I do know my own story. It was not full of posies and unicorns. I don't know many people who have that kind of past. And we all harbor the scars of that past. We carry it around with us, and it this that makes up that ugliness.

If you believe yourself to be a good person, if you do right whenever you can, if you fight that ugliness, then that is all you can do. And you're doing a great job as a human being.

If someone looks at you, and sees only that ugliness, and cannot see the beauty in your struggle, in your victory every day over that ugliness in the littlest of gestures, then they are not worthy of you.

I think you're capable of being loved. The problem is finding the right one to love you. Yes, I believe in one someone for someone else at one given time. It is finding that someone else that makes up feel lonely and desparate and just...like shit.

You must, must, must remember that is not just you that needs to be capable of recieving love, but the other person that is capable of giving it. How can you be expected to open up to someone who doesn't care about you? You can't. Don't expect it. It's alright. They are obviously not the one worthy of knowing the real you.

Be picky, be snobby. Not in looks, but in someone you can trust. If it's hard for you to open up, it means you've not found someone you can trust. You have to wait for that trust. And you should be paranoid. We both know there are a lot of jerks out there.

It's hard. I'm not saying it's simple or easy. I have been in a place similar to yours. I waited, and it was worth the wait. If you believe there is someone out there for you to be able to open up to, there is.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 07:16 ID:XgBSOqgR

The reason why many people have trouble liking that kind of person is because they are emotionally draining. One is constantly caring for this person, making sure that he or she does not hurt themselves. They are having to act like a parent and they do not get much in return...it is one-sided and selfish. In the end you have two miserable people.

7 Name: Kahlan Nightwing : 2006-03-21 07:19 ID:Cv02arSI

That can be true, very true. But a relationship like that could also lead to the one person being draining and seeing the damage they are doing and changing.

Relationships are about communication and compromise. They are about talking about the bumps in the road and finding ways to smooth to avoid them altogether. "Give and take" is what we always hear.

If the relationship is selfish and one-sided, I don't really consider that a healthy relationship to begin with....

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 07:23 ID:NeuBBPEA

Nightwing, How could I ever be loved when I hate myself so vehemently?

It isn't irrational, my self hatred. I've come to terms with it and I go with it. Phantom pains, you know. I don't want a keeper or a parent-figure. I think I'm just afraid of finding someone uglier than me.

9 Name: Kahlan Nightwing : 2006-03-21 07:28 ID:Cv02arSI

That is a very good question. And you already know the answer to it. You can't. It is impossible to accept someone else's love if you hate yourself.

Of course self-hatred isn't rational. It's an emotion, the mind isn't involved much. I think actually making it rational would take a professional.

You know the problem now to your original question: You cannot accept love because you don't love yourself.

Now that you know the problem, you must focus on the solution. And the solution to your problem is your own decision to make. Take your time. Get some alone time to think it over, or find someone confidential to talk to. Do whatever you have to to make this work for you.

If you want it badly enough, you can get it. But apathy will only lead to status quo.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 10:17 ID:4GnzM0jU

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11 Name: benson_2009 : 2006-03-21 10:18 ID:JA07hiu/

i reckon the problem is sometimes if you open up to someone they think your mentaly ill, but if you meet someone really nice they help you. its true that people dont want to see the ugliness side of people, everyone has thier own mask the helps cover them selves. personaly i use to have a mask that covers up my true self but someone help me took that mask off. but mainly i think you need to make your mind and heart stronger to be able to take the problems and some minor problems you can just let it go.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-23 15:44 ID:Heaven

>>1
i dont think anyone will ever love you
just kill yourself, its the easy way out. sure getting the guts to actually go through with suicide is tough, but its a lot easier than facing up to the life youve chosen for yourself.

anyway suicide is one of the greatest triumphs over nature, defying your natural instinct to survive!!

good luck!

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-24 10:49 ID:3ebpnqEE

>>12 is DQN?

14 Name: benson_2009 : 2006-03-24 11:09 ID:CENQ9gvI

>>12 I totally dont agree with that, suicide are people who are to weak to face life. you should never give up in life even if its a tough one, always keep fighting onwards and never look back. think of your self and other people in the world and you will realize how blessed you are.

15 Name: Doku Otoko : 2006-03-24 19:20 ID:9EB5kOH2

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's not worth it. IMO, >>12 is DQN.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-24 21:04 ID:O/3bkesm

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophical_views_of_suicide

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-24 21:45 ID:Cr2JOiEa

>>12

You are a fool.

I am the OP and have no such thoughts. I have not chosen my life. My life has chosen me. It is not so much that I go wanting, but am curious.

It isn't a question of sex. That is easy. It isn't even so much the question of starting a relationship, that too, for me is easy.

It is being loved. If I conceal myself, I would appear to be an average person. Some of my scars are physical, a lot are emotional.

A few years of hard living will do that. Being through war, through doubt, through the unqualified hardship of the malignant.

So few shall ever see.

18 Name: Not A Secret Admirer : 2006-03-24 22:43 ID:Heaven

Of course it is possible to never be loved, at least in a non-familial sense. Even without any mental or physical scarring or ugliness, it is possible. One simply has to live a life of solitude, like a monk or other holy person, or even simply someone who has found inner peace and the strength to live as an individual. If you can overcome the instinctual need for the companionship and acceptance of others, it's possible to live your whole life without meeting that many people, thus reducing your chances of ever meeting someone who would love you in a romantic sense to virtually nil.

Conversely, if you never bring your own self-acceptance to a level that you can open yourself to others, then no one will ever get to know you well enough that they can really love you. It's possible that someone may become infatuated with the way you look or from a chance meeting, but the chances of them developing true feelings for you would be next to nothing because they would never get to know you and understand you.

Of course, there are no guarantees in life, good, bad, or otherwise. Even if you don't live a solitary life, it's possible that you simply won't ever happen to run into the right person at the right time. Or even if you try to live alone, it's nearly impossible to go your whole life without meeting another human being at least once, and sometimes life-long relationships develop from chance singular meetings.

The end result is that it is possible because anything is possible, but, the probability is affected by the people you meet and, perhaps more importantly, how you react to them.

As a final note, I would say that just because your life has "chosen" you does not mean you cannot ever make choices for yourself.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-13 05:47 ID:5tcb59X4

summing up >>18, incapable of being loved? no I don't think anyone is, it's whether or not you can accept someone elses love. Other people can love you and care about you for all you know but the problem comes when you can't accept it, it makes them harder to love you.

20 Name: Not A Secret Admirer : 2006-04-13 21:38 ID:Heaven

looks at his posts

Hmm, I am pretty wordy, aren't I? :| sigh Brevity was never one of my strong suits... well, at least the point gets across.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-15 03:31 ID:Heaven

>anyway suicide is one of the greatest triumphs over nature, defying your natural instinct to survive!!

I like this
It's half-amusing, half-true

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-17 01:58 ID:WTeOe8h5

>>21 anyway suicide is one of the greatest triumphs over nature, defying your natural instinct to survive!!

Or is it just the realization that you have nothing of value to offer the next generation in terms of genes, and taking a shortcut to your deathbed? Haha!

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-17 15:43 ID:3jDH6qMa

There are people out there (myself included) who are incapable of being loved. Some of us have too many emotional hookups, some have been hurt way too many times and others have more important things to do. Finding a partner, having a relationship and all that jazz is not for everyone. I would state my current circumstances as "don't wish to be loved". The emotional baggage, the amount of times shit has gone wrong, and my lack of time to devote to that "someone special" all have made me come to this conclusion.

This comes with it's own problems: When you are taken, or not interested in a relationship whatsoever makes you "hot stuff" for some girls. They want but they can't have. This is fucking annoying for me. Last week it took me good side of 20 minutes to explain to this girl who has been chasing me the past few weeks that "no, look, you're nice, I wouldn't mind being friends with you, but not that kind that sleep in the same bed". Now she thinks I'm gay or something. ***sigh***

24 Name: Not A Secret Admirer : 2006-04-17 16:16 ID:Heaven

>>23
These are problems? Heh. If you're actually not interested in a relationship right now, then why do you care if she thinks you're gay? If girls thought you were gay, maybe they'd stop asking you, or maybe not, heh. Either way, if you're not going to be in a relationship you need to start getting used to being self-reliant and self-confident and independent and all that stuff. Part of that includes being able to shrug off other people's opinions of you, good or bad. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone, and anyone who gives you a hard time about it isn't worth your time.

Of course, regardless of relationship status, emotional baggage will weigh you down anyway. Even if you never go out with someone again, it's still important to be able to put that stuff behind you. Letting go of that stuff can be difficult and even painful for a while, but letting it weigh you down is also painful and will last you your whole life.

25 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-17 17:52 ID:Heaven

>>24
Because I'm not gay. Whilst I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment, that doesnt mean that I don't care about what people think of me. I kind of use people's opinion's of me to try and regulate myself, to avoid being an asshole, and stop it as soon as it's noticable to other people, since by the time I realise I'm fucking up by myself, it's usually too late.

I think I am past all the bad things that have happened to me before (all the numberous times I was cheated on, left for other girls etc) however it sounds like shit, but, I don't feel that the past few years of me unwanting of a relationship has all to do with that. It has some, yes, however failing subjects and trying to keep the rest of my life in one piece needs more priority than some desire for company and affection.

26 Name: Not A Secret Admirer : 2006-04-17 23:53 ID:Heaven

So, what, you're only not gay if other people think you're not gay? There's a difference between others' opinions of you based on stuff you've actually done and said and opinions of you based on stuff that they've thought up and "reasoned" out in their heads.

If someone says, "You're an asshole", and you've been acting like an asshole, well, stop.
If someone says, "You're an asshole", and you've not done anything obviously wrong, it could be that they're the ones with the problem.

If someone says, "You're gay", and you don't want to be gay, and you've been kissing guys and going, "Yeah, I'd like to jump in bed with him", well, stop.
If someone says, "You're gay", and you've not done anything openly gay, and you've said, "I'm not gay" to this person but they don't seem to get it, it's their problem, not yours.

What you have to remember (and this is part of that self-confidence issue) is that other people are often just as screwed up as you are, and while it's nice to try regulate yourself, using others as your basis for regulation also has its problems ("You can please some of the people some of the time..."). Sure, try to be nice to people and don't be a total slob, but also at some point you have to be able to look past others' opinions of yourself and see that what YOU think of yourself is more important. Just don't get all egotistical on us, hehe.

You mentioned emotional baggage and shit going wrong as part of the reason you've come to your conclusion, so that's why I mentioned it. Not having time because of schoolwork and struggles of day-to-day living is just something that has to be dealt with, and in fact, it's a good idea to focus on those instead. Trying to have a relationship with someone else when your relationship with yourself is in deep water is a baaaad idea. Of course, once you are in control of your own situation again, it's possible that you could look into a relationship with someone else again, or not, your choice. Before that though, I wish you luck on your current challenges of living.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-18 03:03 ID:UyOm8BSQ

i say this to myself all the time, i simply hate myself too much and suck at life so shrug at least now, i dont think i can love anyone else, or have anyone love me, so shrug for now

28 Name: Secret Squirrel : 2006-04-19 21:00 ID:M4lzaajM

>>26

>but also at some point you have to be able to look past others' opinions of yourself and see that what YOU think of yourself is more important.

Boy! thats some good advice. Thanks

29 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-01 05:12 ID:woyAJWeI

There is no one truly unloveable. Hell, i've found people to be lovable just because they seem so unlovable! You just need to bump into the right person.

30 Post deleted.

31 Name: Nox Puss : 2007-02-16 20:39 ID:mPLA1rsP

Nonsense. No one is incapable of being loved. Sometimes the ugliness that lies within is the very thing which makes someone love another.

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-19 17:56 ID:Jc/zAPJQ

>>1
Appearently someone has never listened to the Smiths.

>>9

>Of course self-hatred isn't rational. It's an emotion, the mind isn't involved much. I think actually making it rational would take a professional.

Say hello to a pro then. I'm proverbially sponsored.

>>18

>If you can overcome the instinctual need for the companionship and acceptance of others, it's possible to live your whole life without meeting that many people, thus reducing your chances of ever meeting someone who would love you in a romantic sense to virtually nil.

I am very thankful for the gifts of solitude, and those rewards are why I've chosen it in the first place.

>>24

>If you're actually not interested in a relationship right now, then why do you care if she thinks you're gay?

Because it would be retarded of her to do, and since he thinks she would, it shows what he thinks of her to begin with, I would even recommend passing off as gay just so you don't get bothered by bitches, just another one of the many many moves you can use to ensure unlovability.

33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-20 01:25 ID:y/8eXtNW

>>32

Didn't you know "bitches" love to pine over forbidden fruit?

I think you're just playing hardball as a way to deal with your constant solitude, and make sense of it. Perhaps you even get off by imagening lots of girls wish they had a chance with you but will never get it, so you can go like: Serves you right motherfuckers, oh I'm so special and cool! Noone can have me because noone understands, yes I'll distance myself with my shitty excuses, in fact I'm just afraid people will think I suck, so I'd rather die alone than be found out! YEAHYEAH!

In reality though you want nothing more than a cute little relationship.

34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-20 07:23 ID:Jc/zAPJQ

>>33

>I think you're just playing hardball as a way to deal with your constant solitude

Get it correct next time kid, I don't play any ball at all in order to PRESERVE my fucking solitude, as solitude is the only way to live that even makes sense to begin with, nothing else does and you've got to be one brainwashed retard to believe otherwise, but do waste your life how you wish.

>Perhaps you even get off by imagening lots of girls wish they had a chance with you but will never get it

Yeah that's what masturbation is, good job, now you can try if for yourself and realize the path of self-love.

>Serves you right motherfuckers, oh I'm so special and cool!

Obviously I'm not special or cool, those motherfuckers aren't being served right, and you know everything about me.

>Noone can have me because noone understands

No one understands because everyone is retarded, why in the fucking sake of fuck would I be with a retard unless I wanted to fuck, and why do that when masturbation is quicker easier and can actually get me off as opposed to sex.

>yes I'll distance myself with my shitty excuses

1)distance is the essence of life
2)my excuses are more valid than the shitty excuses people try to spout for the shit they do, try and even pretend though as if anyone has combed through their situation as thoroughly as I have for mine.

>in fact I'm just afraid people will think I suck

That's why I am a shithead to people right? I must be validated and accepted, please accept me society, I want to be a mindless sheeptard too oh please please please, anything to be with anyone.

>so I'd rather die alone than be found out!

I would rather die alone than be found out, and so long as my original will dominates, it'll never change and nary have I anything to worry over.

>In reality though you want nothing more than a cute little relationship.

Pfft sure, as if such a thing were even possible, you talk about wants like you know what they are and what they're for, I know what you think about that matter but let me give you a couple words of advice: FUCK WHAT YOU'VE HEARD. Or you can go on thinking you know anything about how I use what little desires to meet my needs. In case you're this dull, I'll just have you know that wants and needs are always mutually exclusive, buh-bye now.

35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-20 07:42 ID:y/8eXtNW

>>34

I don't care about what I've heard, all I know is that it's cool with company, and shared love is awesome, and sex feels great and is fulfilling(unless you're doing it wrong ofcourse). Sure most relationships suck, but while I'm hanging out here(life) I might as well keep my eyes open because you never know. It can be good, and since it makes us happy, why should we not try, instead of telling us we are better off without?

Heck maybe I am, but I can't know for sure before I've tried either. Thats why I won't reject it before I've had it, but I'm getting it on my own terms, and if they cannot be met, then I won't desperately throw myself into the grinder.

This isn't about wanting to be accepted, it is about accepting that some things can't be changed and do the best of it. You withdraw yourself too much, and that comes from me, none the less. Then it's really out there.

36 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-20 15:15 ID:Jc/zAPJQ

>why should we not try

Because there are more imperative things that need to be done, both on your side and on the side of whoever you end up being around.

>desperately throw myself into the grinder.

Explain your metaphor.

>accepting that some things can't be changed

NEVER GIVE UP
NEVER SURRENDER

>You withdraw yourself too much

You don't know me very well then, I withdraw myself as much as I see fit, if I were to look out onto humanity and see it worthy of a representation of my presence then I would...well I'd probably still say fuck you all anyways because guess what, I've long since been unable to give a shits about the species and to tell you the truth, I can't wait for it to be erased from this existance because it is too embarassing to know that I'm grouped in with the worst that this universe has ever seen.

37 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-20 21:06 ID:Heaven

>>33
I'm like this -_-

38 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-21 00:16 ID:7iU3/DhE

SUICIDE IS THE ONLY ANSWER

39 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-21 06:04 ID:Heaven

GENOCIDE IS THE ONLY QUESTION

40 Name: 33 : 2007-02-23 11:41 ID:y/8eXtNW

>>37

Your honesty is touching, there is hope for you.

>>36

I know and understand you because I know myself, why do you even try? This is an anonymous internet board, if you can't even be honest here, where the fuck can you be honest? I bet you almost even believe yourself in your own mind.

41 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-23 15:48 ID:Jc/zAPJQ

>>40
Why do I even try what, what is it that you think my attempt is here? How am I not being honest? If I didn't believe myself then how could I explain that I exist?

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