Lovers or Friends (29)

1 Name: Chosen : 2006-03-21 20:58 ID:GaKzIBUZ

Hi all, umm I kinda need a little advice on a girl that I have known for a while. I have known her about 4-5 years and we are really good friends. We flirt around here and there and what not. But everytime we get too too close she pushes me away. Kinda confuses me because one minute we can be really close messing around and then the next minut shes all over some other guy. I tried asking her out once and she just never answered me. But she still thinks im "hot" or "cute" or watever. Her best friend (my cousin even told me that she really liked me) but she never did anything. One day I asked her myself and she says "yea I like u but im afriad if we go out that we are going to lose our friendship if we dont work out". I have her phone number and we talk every so often and she tells me all these personal things that she tells no one else. then she goes off and goes out with a jerk and he ususally breaks up with her then I'm there to pick up the pieces.....-- its soo not fair. I'm soooo freaking confused ><...sorry for the long post but can anyone help me lol

Thanks in Advance. ^_^

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 21:09 ID:bKbYSJyI

You must do your best to get out of this here 'friendzone'. Good luck, soldier! We'll be here building bunkers.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 21:20 ID:Heaven

You might be building bunkers, I'll be off trying to pick up this girl of his. ;P

4 Name: Chosen : 2006-03-21 21:37 ID:GaKzIBUZ

I was afraid of that...in the back of my head I had a feeling I was stuck in the friendzone...any suggestions in getting out like what should I do.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-21 22:09 ID:VUEe59iB

talk to her, tell her you knew she liked you and you like her and want to try dating. if she says the same about being afraid of losing the friendship, tell her you are willing to take the risk and that you feel confident that nothing can destroy the friendship, even a bad breakup. it may take time to heal the wounds, but the friendship certainly wont die.

6 Name: Knifin : 2006-03-21 22:26 ID:NOxwan8b

Yes, you have to be blunt with her. Tell her that if 5 years of friendship dhaven't broken you apart, a year or two of dating won't either.

7 Name: Saw-Square : 2006-03-22 01:05 ID:J+qoLqD4

get away from her. No, really, please get away. I've met 2 girls in the past, and the situation is almost the same. I realised I was good as a friend shoulder, to listen to them about their problems and to give some guidance. In the end, I was the only person who got hurt.

8 Name: Chosen : 2006-03-22 19:45 ID:GaKzIBUZ

well I dont want her out of my life or anything. Like I do want to be with her. I dont juss want to throw everything away because I am in the FriendZone. How should I go about expressing myself without sounding weird or desperate?

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-24 09:57 ID:Q31t/1Oz

>>8
Unfortunately, my suggestion does sound weird...

But ask her to give you a list of cons and pros for why you two dating is a good/bad idea. And then discuss the cons and the pros.
For instance, if she says "If things end, our friendship would be permanently hurt and I wouldn't have anyone as close as you to confide in! ;__;", go over how and why things could go that way, and go through the possible reasons for why you two might break up.
Heavily apply logical arguments to stuff, and remember that if she likes you but is afraid of you, you need to use logic to reduce her fears to a level where she finds them acceptable and normal, and feels that it's worth risking it.
Discuss her fears with her. What is she so mortally afraid of is going to happen if you two hook up? Are her fears reasonable? If yes, then either accept it and move on, or work on the reasons for her fears, making them no longer a significant issue so that you two can start dating.
By the way, try to refrain from using ultimatums.... People usually react very badly to it. But also point out that the situation you two are having right now is not a stable one. So she needs to be aware of that she actively affects whether or not things will continue in a positive way or not, same applies to you. You can't be unhappy forever, you will have to go on at some point.

You can be her very good friend until the day she dies, though she probably will not be able to get the same level of attention from you as what she probably wants, if you have a girlfriend that isn't her, as your S.O. should be amongst your best friends, if not the best one (of the type[s] one sexually is into). Stating that (her not being able to count on you to be there for her as much if you hook up with someone else) might be good too.

Like I said, this isn't a stable situation. It's up to you two to decide where it's going. If it's moving on to a more stable, more platonic friendship, or if something is going to happen.

Sorry for the tl;dr type of post....

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-24 22:32 ID:UYREmDlR

You should get rid of her, she probably has no intention of being with you. A girl always has that one long-term friend who is really great and wonderful, who would never hurt her...but really likes/lover her. Which is why she is not interested because she wants a man that can hurt her. Probably for attention and nobody will give her attention if she is with a nice person. Women like this are the ones that get knocked up for child support.

Men can never win these days, I feel very sorry for them...

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-25 12:32 ID:Heaven

>>10 sounds bitter..
But then again I'm the kind of girl who dumped the jerk who kept hurting me in spite of that he was supposed to be my boyfriend, and hooked up with the nice, sweet and cute boy who had been my best friend for a year, and a friend for several years. I would have hooked up with him sooner, had I known that he actually was into females, as well as if i would have stopped to try to patch up my current relationship so badly. Heck, had I met him before my at-the-time boyfriend I never would have dated that guy.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-25 20:29 ID:UYREmDlR

>>11 What would I have to be bitter about? As a girl, I was just saying what is probably true. Women do not want nice guys until they get sick of the mean ones first.

13 Name: Chosen : 2006-03-26 04:01 ID:GaKzIBUZ

Thanks for the replies, I tried in the past just forgetting her and trying to move on. I do get past her from time to time. Then end up seeing herand then we hang out and the flirting begins all over again. I try to resist but its no hope.....what should I do?

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-26 04:05 ID:UYREmDlR

That is the problem, you see her again. I think you should cut her off, it sounds like she is a sore that keeps growing on you.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-26 08:44 ID:EWr/Jowy

>>it sounds like she is a sore that keeps growing on you.

I think this can be worked into some kind of Valentine's Day card message.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-26 12:01 ID:Heaven

>>15
Herpes, the gift that keeps on giving.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-26 14:14 ID:Heaven

>>11
I've never fancied mean guys. The only reason for why I got together with my ex was because he seemed like a really nice guy. He was fun and friendly to everyone. Only a few months after we got together, it turned out that he wasn't the same way towards me when we were dating as when we were just friend, and not better either, but much shittier. If your boyfriend happily gives all his friends hugs, and starts with the habit of shoving you away when you try to give him a hug, and refuses to explain why and claims nothing is wrong (and keeps that up for half a year or more), you know it's time to call it quits permanently.

18 Name: Chosen : 2006-03-27 04:08 ID:GaKzIBUZ

Well guys something pretty interesting happened yesterday.(From now on lets call the girl Jess). Well she asked my sister if she should go out with me(of course my sister said yes because she's been tryna hook us up for the longest) and then my sister kept tryna give me little hints to make me go out with her

So I called Jess and asked her if what my sister said was true and she replied "And what if I said yes". So i replied yea but what makes now different from before and she didnt answer....

Then she tells me that she still scared about the breaking up thing or w/e and i tell her that "well we will never know if we dont try". She says "I know" then I had to go so it pretty much ended there.

She's still scared and im ore confused more than ever because now i know she wants to go out with me but nothings happening.....see what I mean when I try and stop it happens all over again

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-27 14:03 ID:M6LcrLRQ

>>18

I guess you should try it out, I guess when it comes down to it what do you have to lose try it out to see if it works if it doesn't then you go back to just being friends, if it works it works. But its better than just always beating around the bushes

btw just by the way you reply it seems that inside part of you do want it to work out too, I guess you should just go with your instincts here.

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-27 14:49 ID:TUdqTbrn

>>19

For some people it's hard being friends again after a failed relationship. Your whole impression of that person changed and can't be undone. There is some risk involve.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-29 11:26 ID:Heaven

>>20

There's always risk involved, in everything.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-29 15:42 ID:Q31t/1Oz

>>20
There's some risk involved with not doing anything too, you know.
Especially when people feel like what they do.

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-29 15:52 ID:TosMzASt

If the relationship is particulary strong, then I don't think there is nothing to worry about. Two of my relationships started off as friends first. Even my boyfriend was my best friend for three years. He promised that no matter what, he would always be my best friend even if our relationship went bad and he ended up marrying someone else.

It all depends on: a.) how strong the relationship is, b.) how far you two are willing to go to see if it can work, and c.) if it does end, how mature both of you will be to make sure that it ends on good terms and not with both of you left on bad terms. However, if you feel you are one of those people that might hold a grudge or whatever, then probably don't push into the relationship if you are afraid everything will go to pieces.

24 Name: Chosen : 2006-03-30 05:16 ID:GaKzIBUZ

Things have been going pretty swell lately and we have been talking a lot more. She is supposed to be comming over my house tommorow night. Weird thing is that she kinda invited herself which she has never done as long as i knew her. She would ususally come over my how with my cousin(because she is my cousin's best friend). So to sum it up she is comming to my house (without my cousin) to spend time with me and she invited herself. I hope these are good signs XD

25 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-30 06:51 ID:FtoO9TfA

well, she apparently wants to see you

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-03-30 13:55 ID:q+51Ho3e

it's possible your friendship is already being complicated by this and if you leave it, it'll end eventually anyways

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-04-06 05:55 ID:Heaven

girls just don't know what the fuck they want.

28 Name: Secret Admirer 0956 : 2006-09-04 10:52 ID:jjjpSly3

Sorry for the bump but the topic creator posted the exact thing I am going through now. We talk a lot about personal things and I was there too to pick up the pieces. I feel that she is poisoning me for I know she will never see me beyond a friend, she gave me the same response (don't want to ruin our friendship) when I told her how I felt. I know I should rid myself of her but it's diffucult to do when she is as close as one of my homies, for lack of better words.

We talk about all kinds of shit and we were friends about a few years and I helped up through some shit and asked She is poisoning me because I keep seeing her but I know we will never be like that.

29 Name: 電気男 : 2006-09-04 20:10 ID:kkLd3u5f

I'm still recovering from a breakup myself. On our first date, I admitted to her that the reason it took so long for me to ask her out is because I was worried how it possibly not working out would affect our friendship. She assured me that she isn't the type to just dump people at random and is very mature about things, but that wasn't entirely true.

As she was the first girl I ever dated, and thus this was the first dump I've ever experienced, I was crushed, almost to the point of going all emo, but I controlled myself. I don't think I'll ever get over how bitter I am to how she abandoned me, but we are still friendly and on good terms. What bothers me is that the breakup was pretty much all her fault, and I don't think she knows or cares and is not sorry at all. She attributed it to psych problems, but if she was dating some other guy next week I wouldn't be surprised at all.

Inwardly I hate her with all my heart for what she did to me, but my better nature tells me to seek forgiveness for her. Outwardly, I try to be as friendly as I used to be, but it will never be the same. Most likely this is all a personal problem on my side of the issue and I probably just need to get over it, but as long as one of you is mature about it, breakups can be painful, but bearable.

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