Sex (or lack thereof) in a relationship. (37)

1 Name: sage : 2006-05-11 11:34 ID:yl2E9k0B

I'd like the hive to weigh in on the following issue.

I've been with my current girlfriend for more than four years, and we've lived together for more than two years. The problem I'm facing is the lack of sex.

The situation currently is that we have sex once a month. It's been like this for a long time, and it's eating away at me. I've brought up the issue multiple times, but nothing ever seems to be resolved. Nothing changes.

When we first moved in, I was doing my compulsory military service, and we saw each other three or four weekends a month. Looking back, I can see that this time period is when the trouble started. Before we moved in, my girlfriend had a normal sex drive: after that, it took a nosedive.

Note that I am not equating sex with intercourse. That's not the issue. The problem is that there's just a general lack of sex. It's not that we're not intimate. We cuddle, we talk, but at no point does there she give off any kind of sexual energy. She doesn't grab my ass, she doesn't tell me I'm hot. There's nothing that tells me she has a libido. At least most of the time.

Once a month, she wakes up. I don't know whether she has a calendar or what, but she pulls down a wine bottle, we drink it, and soon afterwards she takes me to the bedroom. These times are the only ones when anything actually happens. Whenever I try to take the initiave, she ends up brushing me off. "I just wanna go to bed early.", she might say, or perhaps she'll say "You haven't done the dishes yet!".

This is slowly eating away at me. It's been like this for the past two years, and I'm getting tired of it. AFter we have sex, I'm happy for a few dates. I smile a lot, I feel confident. I feel closer to her. I feel hopeful, thinking that "maybe this is about to change?" After a while however, I notice that nothing actually changes. She's still as frigid as before and I end up getting turned down time after time. I'm not too good at dealing with constant rejection, so I just make fewer advances, instead opting to do other things than court her, such as play guitar or code or whatever.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-11 16:41 ID:FetSmtDQ

It sounds to me like this is something you need to address now if your relationship is going to continue to be healthy in the future. Have you talked to her directly about it? It sounds like you guys have been together long enough that you should be able to bring up things like this.

Let her know that you're feeling unsatisfied with the relationship, and try to find out how to fix it. Try not to really blame her, though; just ask if there's something you can do to make her feel sexy more often.

If infrequent sex is a deal-breaker for you and she's unwilling to compromise, then you may have to seriously re-evaluate the long-term plans of your relationship.

But IANA sex/relationship therapist…

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-11 18:50 ID:PHSLtD3e

I would say to get a professional viewpoint. Four years is a lot of relationship. Go to a counselor or something to find out what both of you think about it. Or call Sue Johanson lol

IMO though, it sounds like you just want to have sex at the end of the day? Do something sweet or romantic to get her in the mood. If she's not in the mood, try to get her in the mood instead of just submitting. If you both work and are busy all day, do it on a day off when you're not both tired from a day of work. Go out on a date or something I dunno, there's probably a ton of sources you can find to "turn your girl on."

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-13 08:07 ID:+0Lz1Kxh

Usually I would say...

3. Put it in.

But today, I'll relate that this was one of the contributing factors to my own marriage breaking up. We'd been together for around 6 years total and married for about half of it. Sex used to be really frequent, but it cut back at some point, and it was becoming a problem. We're currently in the process of splitting up, which sucks but that's life for ya.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-13 13:30 ID:qyfTiq1I

pull down her pants while shes making breakfast one day and stick it in her pooper, just do it. and are you retarded? you honestly think girls are gonna take initiative with sex? YOU do it, YOU take initiative, sex up the place and get her in the mood, find foods or watever that are aphodisiacs, or, you can drug her, whatever

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-13 16:18 ID:Heaven

I think you need to be a little rough with her. I'm not saying flat out raping her is the way to go but pinning her down and kissing her is always a good way to start

7 Name: 2 : 2006-05-13 17:54 ID:FetSmtDQ

Yeah, a good start to a break-up, a restraining order, and possibly a night or two (or more) in a cell courtesy of your local finest.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-13 18:54 ID:Hfpxo4VD


Do you have a reading block or something? The OP already stated he tried to take the initiative many times but she turned him down.

For the OP, yeah you really need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend. I mean really make an effort to get your point across and work it out and if she still refuse to acknowledge your feeling then I guess it's time to start look somewhere else. I know it's going to hurt but tomorrow's a brighter day. How strong is your relationship with her? I mean do you really love her?

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-14 15:49 ID:g8ZbVPOR

A lot of girls take the initiative. It's very enjoyable to experience..

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-15 03:33 ID:1+9X5hiJ

My woman always expected me to take the initiative, which didn't work particularly well, mainly because I always preferred her to. That was probably what resulted in the lack of sex in the first place.

11 Name: Jumper : 2006-05-15 23:57 ID:6gyeWKpt

I'd love to help, but I'm only 20, without a girlfriend anyhoo. So this is just stuff I read and agreed with. Perhaps as consideration.

As far as I know, relations change over time, and at some point the sexual drive of one or both partners can just give out. It's a new stage of a relation. However, you should find out why your girlfriend lost that drive. First you have to honestly answer the question (to yourself) whether it existed honestly on her part at all. It probably was, and if so, you'll have a good chance of bringing it back.

With the little experience I have, and the small knowledge of your situation, I can think of few reasons. The most likely one to me is: After 4 years, she is your girlfriend, not your wife or fiancee. If she feels that your relation will never exceed the level of lovers, I can imagine that that works as a large blocking mechanism.

Well, that doesn't yet relate much to your military service. Arguably, those weekends added a compulsary tinge to bedsharing in the weekends? Is it perhaps that she has got the feeling that she is the fuckfriend (excuse the rude way of expressing)? I really know too little about it. However, if we're at all to make a good evaluation of the situation, more info is necessary.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 00:32 ID:OfS4xMJM

Oh my god, you DO realize sex isn't everything don't you?

Shit man, learn to jack off or something.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 00:40 ID:yPGBD3ck

It is part of a healty relationship however

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 03:11 ID:Wp38clir


Not as much as you would think. How would YOU like it someone wanted to stick their dick into you on command. Believe or not it CAN be uncomfortable for a woman. Sometimes she just isn't wet enough down there or just doesn't feel like having a dick in her.
Just because >>1 can't keep his dick from getting hard all the time is no reason for him to whine. Sex can be good, sex can be great but males don't always realize how much of an imposition it really can be.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 04:42 ID:zEmBTQxc

>>14 that doesn't mean it's not part of a healthy relationship. In that situation sex isn't hurting the relationship, the man not caring if the woman is in the mood is.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 07:42 ID:Wp38clir

Dude. Listen. It's fun for guys I'm sure sticking their dicks into somebody else. But when YOU are the one getting a dick stuck in YOU it is a different tale to tell altogether. If you need servicing, learn to jerk off. Don't always try to get sex. Leave people alone. It does actually hurt for some women. A healthy relationship is two people getting along and knowing when to keep their damn hands to themselves.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 09:33 ID:Heaven

Want to tell us what this is REALLY about, darling?

18 Name: sage : 2006-05-16 13:48 ID:yl2E9k0B

>>14 >>16
You act as if no male has ever taken in in their pooper. Heard of a strap-on? Of course it hurts if someone just rams their dick in you, but why make it a straw man? No one is saying that women should service their partners at the men's behest, nor is anyone in this thread trying to get sex at every turn. Ffs, I wouldn't mind getting penetrated with a strap-on. I'm not entirely sure why you think it's a different tale if you are the penetrated, having been at the receiving end. Care to elaborate?
Are you implying that women never want sex, and that men are complete pigs for even suggesting that women submit to such a barbaric practice? That sex bear no pleasure for the ladyfolk? That sounds like an absurd line of reasoning estranged from reality.

>>A healthy relationship is two people getting along and knowing when to keep their damn hands to themselves.

Sure. Constant begging would be a terribly retarded thing to do. Which is why I'm not doing anything of the sort. However, when both keep their damn hands to themselves for an extended period of time, it leads to an unhealthy situation. A relationship without physical intimacy is a dying relationship. It's as simple as that.

>>Just because >>1 can't keep his dick from getting hard all the time is no reason for him to whine. Sex can be good, sex can be great but males don't always realize how much of an imposition it really can be.

Again, the issue is not getting laid every time I feel like it. The issue is a general lack of physical intimacy in general and sex in particular.


I'm a guy. Of course I jack off when I feel horny. That doesn't mean that I don't crave intimacy or that I don't want sex or that it's even remotely the same thing.

Physical intimacy doesn't mean sex, nor does sex mean intercourse. The bigger question is really that I don't feel wanted since she doesn't send any such signals. I've talked about this with her and there seems to be a disconnect. "Of course I want you! I peck you on the cheek, don't I?"

I assume you brought the subject up. How did it go?

That might work for some relationships. My ex liked that particular approach. Not a solution here though. When we started talking about the entire sex drive subject last summer that was actually her suggestion. "If you're so horny, why won't you just take me?". Any one with half a mind will find it obvious that it just won't work that way. Specifically, if she's not already in the mood such forceful behaviour will only cause aggravation.


>>After 4 years, she is your girlfriend, not your wife or fiancee. If she feels that your relation will never exceed the level of lovers, I can imagine that that works as a large blocking mechanism.

Cultural differences come to play here. In our locale this is not entirely unusual. None of our friends are married; some are engaged. We actually had the whole engagement discussion a while a go. She doesn't want to get engaged yet since I'm an atheist. Anyway, I'm certainly ready for it, but she isn't. It's conceivable yet unlikely that this would be the key: in all honesty, after almost three years of living together we are pretty much common-law married already so tying the knot wouldn't change anything.

As for the military service, I was certainly not putting any pressure on her at that time. My military service coincided with us moving together. It's only in retrospect that I've noticed that this was the period when things seriously started cooling off. It was a long time ago at any rate.

Now, I'm not one to whine on boards or IRC. Of course we talk. Nothing I've said here is anything we haven't talked about.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 15:45 ID:6gyeWKpt

next time she opens that ole bottle of wine, don't have sex. play hard to get?

20 Name: sage : 2006-05-16 15:50 ID:om6Q1XCN


Not at all a bad idea. In fact she has even expressed dismay that I'm so easy.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 17:56 ID:XnL58qOz

a little humor

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-16 18:24 ID:lnjB1TBQ

>>21 wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

23 Name: Jumper : 2006-05-16 22:24 ID:6gyeWKpt

>>21 I adore you. Tell me your location, and I'll pray in that direction five times a day from now on ;)

>>20, after answering that to my questionpost 19, then simply following its suggestion might not be sufficient. If you're too easy (when did being easy ever become bad anyway?) that is a large problem which exerts itself in many ways.

Should you wish to alleviate that problem, you must toughen up. I can think of a few ways how to do that, and also of various elements in life in which you might toughen up. Depending on your situation, a lot of those remedies will have no effect or are counterproductive. What I'm really saying is that if you want weighted input, you will have to give us more information about this relationship of yours. A few aptly chosen events in enough detail would be very enlightening. Also your own analysis will help.

I'm going to lol again at post >>21!

24 Name: Mireille guy : 2006-05-22 17:04 ID:xpb+xQDE

Yes! an interesting post!
How to heat up things to being like bunnies again.

Grant her a fantasy. Ask her to grant you a fantasy. Both willing, of course. (suggestion: as incredible as it may sound, teasing with S&M works. tie her up and let her crave for you.)

Play games. Like "guess the sex favor with mimic" game. No touching until one of you guesses and then the favor is granted.

Have sex outside. On the roof of a building (or your house), in a public park, or a quickie in the elevator. Ignore people that want to get in. Just press the "close door" button and keep going till the last floor and back.

Anything else? Share your ideas with her and explore your imagination.

25 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-22 18:45 ID:6gyeWKpt

>>24 how about sex on top of a working elevator? it will take your sex life to new heights ;)

26 Name: Doku Otoko : 2006-05-23 06:58 ID:6F6RhH69

>>21 now that is definitely some sweet revenge.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-25 12:52 ID:K14PMejM

She may be exhausted or fed up in her day-to-day life. Try helping her around the house and, in general, making her day better.

Also, try to open up emotionally and to make sure you are trustworthy and a soft, safe place for her to fall. Blaming, calling names and expressing your rage will only make the situation worse.

28 Name: Jumper : 2006-05-28 22:38 ID:6gyeWKpt

>>27 as far as I can tell, he already is talking to her on an emotional level, and perhaps already gets fed up with that. Your remedy is for those kind of relations that only don't fall apart because of the memories of better times.

For all I know, women won't have sex for knowing that their partner is a soft landing place. They want to experience strength, know that with your support, she's standing on rock. Or sitting down on one, for that matter ;)

29 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-29 14:56 ID:BEZYpT24

When you provide a soft place to land she feels more in control. If she really wants to be with you, she'll want more of you. If she backs down then she probably didn't want you to begin with.

There's a difference between being strong and acting like a jerk.

30 Name: Jumper : 2006-05-29 17:20 ID:6gyeWKpt

Of course, >>29, but how soft do you like the matress on which you sleep? if its too soft, you'll get a back-ache. Know what I'm saying? Women want to know they can connect to their partner on an emotional plane, but they don't want him to be preoccupied with his emotions. Not too emo.

Besides, we're not talking about my girl because I ain't got one. This is about sage. I think. haven't seen him for a while. Yo sage! Any update yet? the busy bees from the hyve still trying to weigh in on your problem.

31 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-29 22:01 ID:OhlyOlT9

You're exaggerating what I said.

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-05-29 22:30 ID:6gyeWKpt


33 Name: Cactus Tree : 2006-06-14 16:30 ID:/FTBpcNH

You shouldn't have moved in together.

34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-06-14 21:08 ID:6gyeWKpt

maybe. but how does that help him? He said it was normal around his place. But I also feel that it might not have been the greatest move

35 Name: timian : 2006-06-15 15:58 ID:0gd3Hyik

IMHO: The problem could be contraceptives! The P-pill simply kills the sexdrive. The same thing goes for the spiral too. Its to do with the all the hormones which upsets the balance of things in your partners body.

There is another thing too. Women are somehow programmed to want children. They may not be aware of it themselves, but its there. Sex without a chance of pregnancy may seem like a waste, but thats psychology and I'm not into that. Just a thought.

36 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-06-15 18:06 ID:6gyeWKpt

So what do you propose? loose the pill and switch to condoms? Shouldn't be all too hard to convince her since they rarely have sex anyways.

But what if her sex drive never ended, but another guy is benefiting from it? Don't think someone asked that yet.

Anyways... if you buy condoms, don't buy the 'family-pack.' It is very expensive, (although not at the counter) and it doesn't contain a single contraceptive...

37 Name: timian : 2006-06-16 19:44 ID:0gd3Hyik

> But what if her sex drive never ended, but another guy is
> benefiting from it? Don't think someone asked that yet.

Well, if the basic trust in gone, then what's left in a relationship? Can you trust your partner? Has he/she ever told a lie or how does he/she relate to lies in other circomstances?

My wife tells me that whe she had her spiral replaced, the sexdrive almost disapperared with the new spiral, apperantly because of the hormones. I can tell because she doesn't easily get arosed, she doesn't easily "get wet" and the climax isn't so great. Its the convenience of a safe contraseptive weighed against somewhat reduced sex.

Thats where this other dimention of the man's personality comes in. Every girl should be aware of that. The grown-up mature man is able to set aside, or postpone, his own immediate sexual desires to make sure his partner is well. If he can't do that, what are the chances he will be able to do that successfully it if she really gets pregnant and maybe find it difficult to have sex towards the end of the pregnancy? Just not to talk about what happens once the baby is born, and requires her attention 24/7? (I don't think he can)

On the other hand, I think that sex once a month is on the low side of whats normal. You could seriously concider finding out why. Maybe you should see a doctor or something? Just to be informed about possible causes. At some point I guess you have to find out if you're going to find a solution?

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