I've been following this thread for a while, using it as a kind of real life soap opera. I thought I might de-lurk for a moment to give some people a view into this sad creature which is myself.

There's this girl I like (how original, but you have to start somehow.) I met her through the language school I attend; she's not my teacher (if that were the case I think I would give up instantly) but rather she's undertaking training to become one. The very first time I saw her, I was initially distracted by her looks (clothing style to be more precise), but what eventually got me was her amazing niceness. Genuinely good people are very rare around here and she's simply amazing.

We meet in a social setting (school-related but unofficial) once a week and in school once a week. We always say hi and often talk, whether it be at the weekly gatherings or around school. Over time I've been developing a crush, and as always, this is where the problems begin.

Due to past situations my fear of rejection is incredibly high. Rejections in high school were all really harsh. In university this one girl decided she would make me a stalker, and ruined my reputation. Anyway whatever the root cause, it had me in a situation where I was content to remain in this crush limbo and enjoy the fuzzy feelings inside every time I meet her. On another thread I probably remarked something to this effect, saying that I would never want to lose it.

But lately I'm not so sure. I wouldn't say I've been fantasising, but my feelings have been becoming somewhat stronger. It's at the point now where my brain is running simulations of asking her out, but still not actually letting me do it. For example, today there was a moment where the two of us were actually alone, which would usually be the right time to bring such things up. One part of me would say "here's the line, just say it", and the other part would throw that shit in the incinerator and crisp it up.

I get the feeling that if I manage to say half a confession, I will end up stuttering or saying something else for the second half due to this resistance. Really great comedic effect in romantic comedy, but not so fun if you're a victim of it. If I succeed in saying it and she turns me down, I'm sure she's the kind of person who won't do anything bad as I trust her a lot. But for some reason my brain won't let me get out of this situation, like it has a happiness filter designed to prevent me getting what I want.

Anyway I'll end it here as it's already a rant. Don't laugh too hard.