I love too many things by nature. I love fire, I love my friends, I love to eat chocolate. I really mean 'love' and not 'like'. As such, even if I longed for tenderness from times to times, I never really 'needed' a girlfriend. I loved a girl in highschool, though. Spoke to her once or twice. I valued her a lot, but heck, now I realize a good part of it would've been idealization.
So I decided to wait and not chase. I tried, once, as I was feeling down - didn't work, I dropped the case before we even could do anything, could've been a one-night-stand or a relationship, I didn't care. I didn't love her. I didn't care. I still had the other one somewhere on my mind, though.
Something like six years later, I realized that I didn't really love the first one. It wasn't true, it was just an excuse for the fact no-one around me felt worth of more than the love I give to everything I do.
And I met this girl. I found her cute and charming and intelligent. She was great. I met her at parties, with friends. Every time we would chat a little bit. And I would discover a part of her universe. Never in my life did I feel that connected to someone. She has everything I could dream of in a human being. When I'm around her, I don't feel alone (not alone as in "no friends and stuff", but alone as "no one on this goddamn earth is like me"). I think I discovered what alter-ego means.
And I think we'll never be in a relationship. Impossible. She didn't want to get closer before I moved out (some 250km farther, not that far, though), so I suppose she's already been disappointed by a distanced relationship. And I strongly suppose she likes a very charismatic friend of mine, and I suppose he likes her too.
I talked with him about it, and strangely he told me he'd support and help me, and never try anything with her. I trust him. But still, I don't think it will work.
I'm so mindfucked that I have a hard time even following a casual conversation with people around me.
Damn.
I knew I'd destroy myself the day I'd really fall in love.