A whale of a time (16)

1 Name: Help meee : 2006-10-01 09:38 ID:LZWPyfu+

Where to start? Perhaps the best place would be 2 months ago. I hadn't had sex in 2 months, and I was at a bar with a cute girl clinging on my every word. That is, until she told me about her attempted raping and I broke out in pearls of laughter.
I spent the next day bitching to my friend Tina (who is a lot of a whore, but that's a whole other story) and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she said the damning words that fucked the next 2 months of my life up: "You know, I've got a friend who's a bit desperate, I reckon she'd go for you." How could I not say no to such an offer? A desperate girl? Hell, I'd get laid within a month at the most.
As usual, there was a catch - "She's a wee bit overweight, but she still looks beautiful." This smelt a bit fishy, but fuck it, I was bored out of my fucking mind and my hand was calloused due to overuse, I got the friend's msn address from Tina and we started chatting.
Kim wasn't the most interesting of girls, but she liked me, and I had been thinking about starting cutting to alleviate the boredom of the summer holidays, so we agreed to meet up that following weekend.
We met up. It wasn't quite as I imagined. I was hoping for plump, what I got was a fucking freight train. But I was a man of my word so I stayed for the entire date, even holding her hand and putting my arm around her at the correct moments.
We walked back to the train station together and I found that I had missed my train by 20 minutes. No worries, I'll just wait half an hour for the next one. I hugged Kim and bid her farewell. My train came and I got on it. But wait, this train wasn't heading south, it was heading east. What the fuck. Fuck.
It was 1am and I had no fucking idea where I was. So I did the only smart thing to do, I rode the train. Luckily, the track I was on was circular, so I found myself back where I started from at around 2ish. I checked the train timetable and found, much to my dismay, that there were no trains that went back to my town, instead they stopped about 20 minutes north of my town, and there was no fucking way I was walking through those towns at nighttime.

2 Name: Help meee : 2006-10-01 09:38 ID:LZWPyfu+

I noticed that the next train stopped at my uni, so I hopped on and spent a wonderful night huddled at my university's train station, staring at the drug addicts on the opposite platform. Surprisingly, I managed to fluke 90% in my test that I had the next day.
It was later that day, I was on msn to amuse myself in the lecture and I found myself talking to Tina. She asked me how the date went and I told her the truth; she was a nice girl, but I didn't want to date someone twice my weight and half my height. We formulated a plan to rid myself of Kim.
Tina would tell Kim about how I was Bipolar, had OCD, GAD, and ADHD and generally try to turn her off me. Sadly, this didn't work due to the fact that Kim was desperate, so we had to try an alternate method.
"Oh Kim!" I cried to her on the phone, "I wish we could meet again, but we can't! My bitch mum read out chatlogs and now won't let me see you! She says it'd ruin my therapy! I should kill her! I could kill her. Do you want me to kill her... for us?"
Luckily for my mum, she declined, and I was off the hook.
Sadly, Kim didn't stay discouraged for very long. A week later, she was calling me, asking me to go out to a party with her. I politely declined, saying that I was both high and drunk, and that any attempt for me to move would probably result in me falling down some stairs and breaking a hip.
My fictitious drug habits and mental illnesses didn't stop her though; an hour later she called me, crying, telling me that she'd just been sexually assaulted and that she needed me to be there for her, and that I needed to drive 2 hours north to comfort her, right away. I couldn't though, I had my priorities, and we all know that 1980s' Arnie movies are way more important than a drunk crying raped girl (also I smsed her friend and found out that her "sexual assault" was a drunk guy trying to kiss her).
A week later I found myself broke and alone at home. The only thing I had to occupy myself was a metre high stack of romantic comedies. I found myself watching them all, entranced by the formula:

  • Person1 stalks person2
  • Person2 rejects person1
  • Person2 accepts person1
  • They have an awesome relationship

I began thinking of darling Kim. Maybe she wasn't that fat, maybe she'd slimmed down a bit in the time since I'd seen her, maybe I could deal with it, I shouldn't be so shallow. So I messaged her and asked her if she wanted to go out. She accepted with glee and we made arrangements for the next day.
But wait, drama ahoy! I had made plans for the next day with Tina, and I was starting to get bad feelings about wanting to go out with Kim, I mean, what's the point in going out with someone if you don't even want to be around them? I pleaded a sudden migraine with Kim, and planned to go out with Tina the next day.

3 Name: Help meee : 2006-10-01 09:38 ID:LZWPyfu+

What's this? It's the next day and Kim is following Tina around, oh shit, this isn't good. Tina persuaded Kim that they should go to the toilet together and while Kim was in the stall, she made a run for it. The day was off to a great start. I wanted to hang around the outskirts of the uni, but Tina was young and foolish, she wanted to walk around the marvelous place and bitch about how there were too many trees and how it should all be paved over. What a sense of style she had.
And then it happened, "Hey Tina!" someone yelled out. Tina twirled around and started walking towards the group. I panicked, thinking it was Kim, and kept on walking, away from the group and around a bunch of bushes. But I was stuck, I couldn't escape from behind the bushes without them seeing - and identifying - me. I stood there and prayed for a miracle.
Luckily, there is a god, and he loves me. Tina walked around the bushes and said "you are such a fucking pussy, that wasn't her, it was just her friends."
This presented a problem, they now knew I was at the uni and not at home in pain as I had said. Tina wanted me to go find Kim, say hi to her, and claim that I was here as a surprise for her, but I would have no such thing, I had friends here, I wasn't about to be seen with her.
But she wouldn't shut up about it, I mean, it was getting horrible. I glanced at my watch, only 5 minutes until Kim went to a lecture, could I stall Tina for that long? Yes. "Okay, fine, I'll go to the unibar with you and we'll say hi to her, come on, it's this way."
Lady Luck was with me, Tina's sense of direction was worse than my sense of responsibility and I led her to the furthest point on campus from the bar. She noticed something was wrong when we started walking into a carpark that edged onto the highway. "You cocksucker, how could you do this? You know how pissed off she's going to be?" She cried out to me.
I laughed and she whined some more, telling me that I had to send Kim a message about how I tried to find her, but failed, or else their friendship would be shattered, or something. I agreed, on the condition that I wouldn't have to meet her.
We sent her a message from my phone telling her that I showed up to surprise her, but I bumped into Tina and when we tried to find her, we couldn't find her. Fortunately for us, Kim was in a lecture and they are so heavily concreted that there is no reception in the lecture theatres, so half an hour later I sent a message to Kim telling her that if she didn't want to respond to me, that was fine, but I never wanted to see her again.
Tina tells me that Kim refused to look at her on the bus trip home.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-01 13:53 ID:Whzi1hHo

so liek what happend to the cute girl at the bar?

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-01 16:00 ID:ox74QYcb

Tina is worried that it would ruin her friendship with Kim after she ditched Kim earlier that day? lol

6 Name: Help meee : 2006-10-01 17:05 ID:LZWPyfu+

>> 4

she hates me :)

7 Name: TEENAGER : 2006-10-01 17:23 ID:zlNQT5mr

But, dude. What is your question about this whole fiasco?

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-01 22:14 ID:4AAEAz29

yeah i am also fucking confused as to why you'd tell /luv/ this

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-01 23:20 ID:nF41YySX

Win :D
I kinda wanna hear more about what happened!

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-02 06:06 ID:Whzi1hHo

>>8
Are you kidding? This is gold.
encoreeeeeeee.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-02 06:35 ID:Heaven

Sounds fictional.

12 Name: MrHands : 2006-10-02 10:17 ID:LZWPyfu+

I posted this for comedic factor. No question was meant to be posed, you were just supposed to chuckle at it :)

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-02 12:27 ID:ZlJWPu3y

chuckle chuckle -_-;

14 Name: MrHands : 2006-10-04 07:51 ID:LZWPyfu+

:)

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-27 07:26 ID:CMt3Ywff

I feel asleep.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2006-10-31 03:56 ID:+76KDKU5

>>15 Suck my dick

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