Can't get over distant woman (13)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-01 19:39 ID:bqLSJazJ

Short version:
I fell in love with a woman in her 20s. I was only 16, and so she appeared to have no feelings in return. She graduated college and moved overseas, and I thought that would be the end of that. But I can't get her off my mind even though over half a year has passed.

Ultra Long Version:
Our Japanese class was visited and assisted by a Japanese-American college student that was studying to become a teacher. She was young, pretty, and I immediately developed a crush on her the moment I saw her. Thus, I was naturally elated when she began teaching our class full-time. We became fairly close, although in a semi-awkward way. Unlike the other topic about falling in love with a teacher, the difference here was that she was still in college. Thus I had fleeting thoughts about having a chance with her. (Even though she had a boyfriend, which I found out.) However, the rational part of myself told me that it could never happen, mainly because of the age difference. Nonetheless, the irrational part of me craved contact with her.

She told us that we could email her for Japanese help, and I immediately began writing emails in Japanese to her, under the pretext of practicing Japanese. And indeed, part of me was practicing Japanese, but part of me was just doing it so I could find out more about her. I was really good at Japanese, and thus I think that she began to see me as an equal. Evidence of this is that when she was having trouble in class with something, she would ask me for advice. She broke up with her boyfriend, and part of me yelled, "This is your chance! Forget about the age difference and go for it!" But, I've never been brave at all, so I instead put her out of my mind. I learned that she was moving away at the end of the year, and that was even more reason for me to not get involved with her.

So, basically, our relationship never went anywhere - stayed at that strange level where I couldn't tell if she saw me as a friend or as a student. I'm hoping it was the former, and I'm leaning towards it based on the evidence. Since she was only a student teacher, she became much friendlier with her students.

(Continued in next post)

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-01 19:39 ID:bqLSJazJ

When she moved away, to a different country, I thought that was the end of that. I emailed her but got no reply. However, after months of no contact, she emailed me and her other contacts, telling about her situation. Basically, she has been super-busy, which is why she hasn't been able to reply to any of our emails. She told us about having a really difficult time at the new school where she's teaching, where the principal doesn't care about the students at all and the administration is terrible. I replied, probably with too much emotion, basically telling her that if she's treated to badly, she shouldn't work there anymore. To my surprise, she eventually replied to this email, saying that she appreciated my concern but since writing her previous email she had just been overreacting. Since then, although we no longer exchange emails (she hasn't answered my latest), she occasionally shows up on gmail chat, and we talk. Because of the time difference of countries, though, these meetings are rare.

Now, the rational part of my brain (I have a split personality, you see) is shouting at me: "Get over her! There's no way in hell you could have a chance with her! She lives in a different country, she's much older than you, and she's shown little to none romantic interest in you." However, my emotional part won't listen. It continues to pine after her, and it drives me crazy. I'll stay awake, late at night, worrying if she's OK, hoping that people treat her well at her school. I pray that if she gets a new boyfriend that he will treat her extremely well. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about her, needlessly biting my nails, hoping and praying that everything goes well for her. And, of course, I'll sometimes have crazy thoughts of confessing my love to her, and flying over to live with her happily ever after, or something like that.

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem - I've had countless crushes in the past, but whenever the object of my affection moved away, the crush would fade quickly. But this feeling is different than a crush - it's something I haven't felt for anyone else before, and it's driving me crazy. Sometimes I wish that I could feel this way about someone closer, someone that I'd actually have a chance with. I'm not sure if I could call it love, but I'm worried that's what it is. And you can't choose who you love. Maybe the worst part is that I'm almost sure that she doesn't feel the same way about me. She probably thinks of me as a close friend...

I wish I could get over her. I really do. But no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about her...I've even tried turning my affections on girls at my school in desperate times, but of course that didn't work. Like I said, you can't choose who you love. Confessing to her is out of the question, especially since contact between us is so sparse these days. So tell me, what should I do? How can I stop obsessing over her? Or should I stop at all?

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-01 21:01 ID:Heaven

>>1
tl;dr. ...Crap, I did read. Oh well.

short version: stop. get over her. get a life.

long version: You think she's that special because of how she's affected you, because of how much she has affected you. But the truth is, she isn't that special (as a potential partner), and you're only hurting yourself. Normally, a really bad way of going about things would be to actually try to get over her, i.e. trying to focus even more on her, just in a different way. You need to start trying to keep your mind busy and interested in other things, not to forget her, but to make your life less focused on her, and more on other things. Keep doing things that makes your life feel full and rich. There's nothing wrong with feeling grateful for all that she has done (provided extra incentive for you to become even better at Japanese, etc), but try to see that it is the limit, that was her purpose in your life. Feel grateful over the past, embrace the rest of your life.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-01 23:57 ID:bqLSJazJ

>>3
Thank you for the insightful advice. To be honest, when I occupied myself with other things, I stopped thinking about her so much. Recently, though, I dreamt about her, and the memory of her brought back all my old feelings for her. I'll try to keep persevering though.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-02 06:56 ID:7RZb4BtW

Wow, this thread is scarily relevant to me.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-02 18:21 ID:bqLSJazJ

>>5
How so? Now I'm curious.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-02 18:31 ID:20zehNbs

>>3 He is right, dont think about not thinking about her. Just get busy with other things, so she's out of your mind. I know it's hard when you love someone, to look at girls in the dating way, but allow yourself that. Allow yourself to look at a girl and dig her.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-03 05:55 ID:xyUAgDIX

>>6

Nothing to be curious about, but entire first post (not 2nd) is the same situation I'm in.

9 Name: fart man : 2007-01-03 11:18 ID:MxLW/3Kw

i feel sorry for u, but i totally agree with the suggestion in >>3. try to keep urself busy(but not busy with wanking).

hope u find another good girl.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-04 14:28 ID:5LwUX0pV

I'm pretty much a similar situation, except the gender roles are reversed and he's five years older.

See, pretty much everything you wrote in the 2nd post is relevant to my situation, except we can't communicate effectively without using one of our friends as a medium. Ridiculous right?
And my strange situation has gone into its second year now.

The thing is, although I was driven insane for a good year without seeing him, I still kept my life going. I kept regular things going, uni carried on, I tried dating (even though I wasn't attracted to the guys...and it felt like a waste of time).

I think what helped me most was having good friends to keep life rotating. I haven't forgotten about the guy in China, in fact we still chat online a few times a month and he'll drop me calls to let me know he's missing me.
Even though it can never work between us (unless one of us accelerates in the other's language) we both seemed tied together. He'll still tell me the most romantic things and hurt my heart with how much he still loves me. It's useless though in our situation isn’t it?

And to be honest... I don't think I love him as fervently as I used to.

Hopefully it won't take you two years, but in time... you will find that you’re moving on. And while that moving on part in being put into motion, keep your social life as full as you can too, or just make sure you have someone to turn to in moments of madness or loneliness.

Sorry about the long ass post, hope this helped somewhat :)

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-05 19:35 ID:bqLSJazJ

>>10
Wow, that must be tough, especially if he still says romantic things...at least in my situation, she hasn't shown too many signs of romantic interest in me. Thanks for the advice, and good luck moving on. I'll try my best, too.

12 Name: fart man : 2007-01-07 12:14 ID:MxLW/3Kw

i guess what >>10 says clearly shows what will happen next. as she says u will find u r moving on or things keep moving.

i know that distance is a big obstacle when someone loves someone, but it helps very well when someone wants to forget someone.

good luck

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-02-06 07:07 ID:bqLSJazJ

Shit. This shouldn't be as hard as it is.

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