How To Break Up With A Really Nice Person (11)

1 Name: not the author : 2007-01-28 11:28 ID:6kDL86F3

This is based on good and bad experiences on both sides of the fence. And I'm not claiming that I get it right every time myself. Ohh, if only.

Dumpster's Tipsheet

So you're in an ongoing romantic and/or physical relationship (*) with a good person who treats you well. Good for you.

Alas, you want out. You're sure about that. And the dump-ee hasn't done anything horrible to deserve it.

So: now what? These are some suggestions on how to get from here to there:

  1. Get it done. Sooner rather than later. 90% of class credit for this part.
  2. No ambiguity. Tell them it's over. Do not budge on this point. It's really over, it's o-v-e-r. And as the dump-er, do not offer them a scaled-back relationship that still involves sex, such as a friends-with-benefits situation or similar. They are in a vulnerable place and will agree to something that's not right for them.
  3. Don't do it when they are stuck spending any additional time with you that day/weekend/whatever. Don't even ask them if they want you to stay. They will say yes because they want you to stay in the relationship. But they really need you to leave the room (or get off the phone) so they can call up a good friend and go out and get smashed and rag on you for a couple hours and come to terms with it. This is one reason why I'm not sure the phone is really such a terrible choice.

You should leave even if they do ask you to stay and continue with some planned activity (not to be confused with running out on the actual breakup conversation).

4. You can't meet all of the above requirements via text messaging, IM or any other non-immediate or unreliable medium. So do it in person - or on the phone, if you have been comfortable having important conversations in the past. The phone has a lot of advantages with regard to #3 above.

However, if you are totally incapable of getting this done in person or on the phone, then an email or a letter... while not really acceptable... is infinitely better than not getting the job done. As long as you're sure it won't wind up in their spam folder, that is.

You may not, however, pat yourself on the back afterwards. Especially if you don't at least try to get it done in person or by phone.

5. Hear them out, but don't get dragged into reconsidering. Absent some radically new information.

6. Don't talk about how hard it is for you. Yes, it is hard for you. But asking them to sympathize with you at this moment is selfish. Call a friend if you need that. Also, the dumpee will just fixate on your alleged misery and want to know why you're dumping them if it's so darn hard for you.

7. Do not offer to stay friends unless you're 100% sure you actually want it. As in, actually still seeing and interacting with that person on a regular basis and giving them some of your time and energy. For reals. If not, "I'm sure I'll see you around" is much more honest.

In my circle, people usually do mean it when they decide to do the "we'll still be friends" thing. So it causes a lot of irritation and a sense of being dumped twice when the occasional twerp plays this line insincerely.

2 Name: not the author : 2007-01-28 11:28 ID:6kDL86F3

8. If you do decide to remain friends, seek out opportunities to interact with that person in social situations involving other people. The more the better. Avoid quasi-dates. The other person will sit there thinking "I had a pastrami sandwich, and this is bread with mayo on it, and I miss my pastrami." Hilarity will not ensue.

If you get any flak for dating and flirting in those situations after the first week or two, make it crystal-clear that this is unacceptable. If they can't handle it, well, they don't have to hang around you.

Sometimes a little consideration here is reasonable when you share a zillion mutual friends and the relationship was a long-lasting one. But if you do decide to show some, make it clear it's not going to last forever. Say, a month or two... tops. Life. Goes. On.

This does not mean you should make out on the next barstool over, say, two days later.

9. Pointing new men/women in their direction - after a decent interval, and only if you've pursued the friendship - can be all right if they are really comfortable with that. But be sure the dump-ee has truly come to terms with your new non-romantic relationship first.

You need to be able to flirt with somebody else in their presence. And that probably helps them to get the hint, too. But you don't really need to set them up with somebody new. You just want to do that because it makes you feel better. So if it's not really right for them, you're not really being nice.

This probably reads a lot like a "how to fire someone" list. They are very similar.

(*) Boyfriend, girlfriend, not using those terms but dating exclusively for a significant period of time... any relationship, really, in which you know the other party has reasonable expectations of communication on your part. I'm not talking about how to get rid of someone after one date. Though it might be appropriate after one wildly successful date that wasn't clearly advertised as a one-night stand. So hey, apply this advice whenever your gut tells you it's appropriate to take the matter seriously.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you're ending a marriage or similarly committed allegedly-lifelong relationship, you're going to need more than a livejournal post's worth of advice.

3 Name: not the author : 2007-01-28 11:29 ID:6kDL86F3 <-- original page,
the comments are quite interesting.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-28 15:36 ID:UZ1PqcLR

Easier said than done.

I had this sort of resolution but I failed 2,3,5, and 7

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-06-26 20:58 ID:dA92+Ko9


6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-06-27 15:54 ID:Heaven

FWB = ideal relationship

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-06-28 07:33 ID:HIcMvo+n

Just an add on, make sure the person you're dumping will be able to contact a good friend for support after the big breakup. Otherwise, they might take it out on either themselves, or you. Maybe tell a friend of his/hers first so that they can hang around so the dumpee doesn't try anything irrational.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-06-29 09:23 ID:Heaven

FWB = ?

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-06-30 16:44 ID:Heaven

Friends with benefits.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-07-08 00:21 ID:Heaven

Sage for promoting people to be with asses.


11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-07-08 00:21 ID:Heaven


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