I'm a fucking mess.
On the outside, I'm the happiest guy you've ever seen. I'm funny, I can communicate with people great, I've got no problems of getting along with people, people like me because I'm oh so unpredictable and interesting. You'll never see me with a sad face because I'm the optimistic kind of guy, "never gonna bring me down!" and all that stuff.
My grades are great though I never do anything for school. Everyone thinks I'm very intelligent because everything I invest a little time into I quickly get the hang out of. I write book-worthy stories and everything in my life seems to only say "boy, you're going places!".
On the inside, I'm the saddest piece of shit you'll ever see. I procrastinate and am unresponsible because I simply don't care about anything. I loathe the hypocrisy of the world around me. I have thoughts no one knows about. I know the texture of my kitchen knife by heart, I sat a whole day in the kitchen just holding it in my hand and feeling it.
I'm becoming bitter because I'm a virgin, but not because I'm disgustingly ugly(I actually look good), but because I'm cold as a rock. Besides the happy-guy personality I don't let anyone near enough to me to see my emotions. I feel safe in my little emotional shell, knowing that I probably will never be loved or get a hug of affection, but no one also will be able to hurt me. Like simply refusing to gamble: nothing to gain, nothing to lose. I hate this mentality of mine because I just feel incredibly lonely. I'm afraid of dieing alone and being forgotten. Just another brick in the wall. I feel like utter shit on holidays because I have for so long not had anyone to just hold on to. I think I'd just be happy to hug someone who I like even if she would hate me in return. It becomes so tiresome to uphold my happy-guy attitude. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of answering "everything's fine!" when someone asks "how ya doing?". Kick me. Punch me. Hug me. Notice that I'm not only a happy, funny guy. I need affection oh so desperately.
Why am I writing this confession? Did I lift off some weight of my heart? No. I just hope someone sees it. Reads it. Understands it. Maybe answers it? But the most important thing: people, look around you. Do you see those happy faces all around you? Second guess them please. We aren't all happy. Some are just acting happy because it's the only thing they have that keeps them from a complete breakdown.
Drink a little (a lot) of wine with friends and let it all out. Have a cry or two. Look foolish for a change. It'll be fine lad, just fine. You're completely normal and healthy. Besides, anyone can describe the texture of a kitchen knife with ease and nobody assumes a happy face in public implies a happy life.
I NEED AFFECTION OH SO DESPERATELY. Doesn't everybody?
wine? beer son, drink beer and then some. get piss drunk and numb