I'm a fucking mess.
On the outside, I'm the happiest guy you've ever seen. I'm funny, I can communicate with people great, I've got no problems of getting along with people, people like me because I'm oh so unpredictable and interesting. You'll never see me with a sad face because I'm the optimistic kind of guy, "never gonna bring me down!" and all that stuff.
My grades are great though I never do anything for school. Everyone thinks I'm very intelligent because everything I invest a little time into I quickly get the hang out of. I write book-worthy stories and everything in my life seems to only say "boy, you're going places!".
On the inside, I'm the saddest piece of shit you'll ever see. I procrastinate and am unresponsible because I simply don't care about anything. I loathe the hypocrisy of the world around me. I have thoughts no one knows about. I know the texture of my kitchen knife by heart, I sat a whole day in the kitchen just holding it in my hand and feeling it.
I'm becoming bitter because I'm a virgin, but not because I'm disgustingly ugly(I actually look good), but because I'm cold as a rock. Besides the happy-guy personality I don't let anyone near enough to me to see my emotions. I feel safe in my little emotional shell, knowing that I probably will never be loved or get a hug of affection, but no one also will be able to hurt me. Like simply refusing to gamble: nothing to gain, nothing to lose. I hate this mentality of mine because I just feel incredibly lonely. I'm afraid of dieing alone and being forgotten. Just another brick in the wall. I feel like utter shit on holidays because I have for so long not had anyone to just hold on to. I think I'd just be happy to hug someone who I like even if she would hate me in return. It becomes so tiresome to uphold my happy-guy attitude. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of answering "everything's fine!" when someone asks "how ya doing?". Kick me. Punch me. Hug me. Notice that I'm not only a happy, funny guy. I need affection oh so desperately.
Why am I writing this confession? Did I lift off some weight of my heart? No. I just hope someone sees it. Reads it. Understands it. Maybe answers it? But the most important thing: people, look around you. Do you see those happy faces all around you? Second guess them please. We aren't all happy. Some are just acting happy because it's the only thing they have that keeps them from a complete breakdown.
Drink a little (a lot) of wine with friends and let it all out. Have a cry or two. Look foolish for a change. It'll be fine lad, just fine. You're completely normal and healthy. Besides, anyone can describe the texture of a kitchen knife with ease and nobody assumes a happy face in public implies a happy life.
I NEED AFFECTION OH SO DESPERATELY. Doesn't everybody?
wine? beer son, drink beer and then some. get piss drunk and numb
I don't know since when I changed to such a cold-hearted guy.
I have to warm this frozen icy lonely heart to thaw.
I like being wrapped with warmness more than anything else for sure.
I'm gonna make my coming days to be filled with laughter and joy.
I let myself down that I'm more cruel than I thought I would be.
I'm just a looser who ends up by caring for my soul.
I've become a man from a kid and now turn back to a kid again.
I can now show and give my love a little more than before.
Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations.
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions.
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once.
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance.
Well I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death.
And I'm scared to keep on going on my way.
Well I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death.
And I'll tell myself I'm special till the end.
Recalling my torn broken, aching heart of these long days.
And all the memories I wanted to forget for making leaps.
Recalling, aching, breaking, crying, making sure to me.
And I take all and grin at my future on the way.
Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations.
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions.
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once.
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance.
Well I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death.
And I'll tell myself I'm special till the end.
I've become a man from a kid and now turn back to a kid again.
I can now show and give my love a little more than before.
That said, I know exactly how you feel. You're like the goddamn mirror image of me, other than the knife part.
I've considered getting drunk with people, like >>2-4 suggested, but I was raised in a family where drinking alcohol was against our religion (Islam).
I don't really follow the religion anymore, but because I don't want to let my parents down, might want to follow it in the future, and was raised rather moralistically anyway, there are certain things that I can't bring myself to do, including that.
That, and I'm not sure what the hell I would do or say while drunk, and if I might regret it later.
But yeah, I totally understand you.
>>1 Never EVER drink booze alone. Don't get together with people as an excuse to drink.
Mmm, alcoholism. I have a friend who's similar to >>1. He started to drink as a way of numbing pain, and within a year had turned into an alcoholic. So do make sure to never drink for the sake of using it as some sort of emotional remedy.
>>1
I want to hug you so bad.
I can sort of relate to you, but not to that extremity. I know what it feels like to have expectations build up around you and pretending everything is dandy. I'm a perfectionist, but at the same time I'm heaps lazy. If someone tries to convince me about something, I'll go with the total opposite. I'll avoid problems by ignoring them and even though people comment on how emotionally strong I am, I actually get cut really easily. I've spent countless hours trying to work myself out to no real avail. I think that if I ever got the chance to meet myself, I would scream at me in frustration. I always come across as nice and welcoming, but I'm actually quite distant and terrified of someone getting close to me. That is why at 18, I've never had a relationship despite being asked out three times before. I actually think I'm doing them a service because I'm not the cute and bubbly girl that they're usually accustomed to. It feels lonely sometimes, but my petty problems are usually brought into perspective as I remember how selfish I am being.
>I need affection oh so desperately.
Romantic affection is the last thing you need. Get genuine, nonsexual/nonromantic affection from friends and family. Let people close, you will get hurt from time to time, but it will soon be evident who the real friends are and their friendship and affection will be more than worth the hurt a few will inflict on you. If you're not even capable of maintaining non-romantical, affectional relationships, then you sure as hell ain't ready to step into the confusing mess that is romantical emotions.
Why is this thread on this board? Shouldn't this be on Personal Issues? Could some mod move it?
I can relate.. On the outside, I too am happy-go-lucky, social, all-around fun guy. But, deep inside, i'm bitter with hate, anger, and sadness.
>>1 Never EVER take paracetamol alone. Don't get together with people as an excuse to take paracetamol.
Mmm, pain killer addictions. I have a friend who's similar to >>1. He started to take paracetamol as a way of numbing pain, and within a year had turned into an addict. So do make sure to never take paracetamol for the sake of using it as some sort of headache remedy.
Well I am abit like that too... But I think... Who cares if I am virgin or not... Everyone talks about those things... But it doesn't mean anything... It doesn't matter if you become a virgin till... let's say 25... Because it's a person's opinion... the real things that matter should be... Having a good relationship and marriage without divorce or break ups and such. Of course I am talking for example...
But truely... if you feel bad inside.. then let it out... You feel free... It's better that way... And think... There are many people that are in worse situation than you... So you should lucky and such...
Remember you only live once... So you should do what you feel is right and such.
>>11
Woo! I got copy-pasta'd! And no, I disagree. Booze is not the medicine for your problems in life. That's a lot of bullshit, sprouted by the ones that refuse to realize that getting shitfaced won't solve any problems, but will only make them worse.
I've got nothing against drinking alcohol, I have a lot against people trying to do something as foolish as using alcohol as emotion-medicine.
>>13
Oh I totally agree that alcohol isn't a solution for problems (although it'll dissolve plenty of other things, woo chemistry). But that doesn't preclude drinking alone, merely drinking to solve problems.
I really don't see him as having severe problems, such that alcohol would definitely be ill advised. I see him more as being unable to take that first step of becoming really intimate with friends. Once he gets over sharing his feelings, he'll realize that his situation is a common one and easy to work through.