I know just about nothing about Romance. So when I started liking this one girl, I tried to get closer to her, but all that happened was we became close friends. I'm not sure how to go for the romance angle now that we're such good friends, and it's the age-old cliche of "I don't want to risk losing our friendship."
All this developed only in the past month, but already we're close enough that I really don't want to lose her as a friend. Help!
Well, our second date was a failure. It rained and we got drenched, and so didn't spend long in the park. The restaurant we were going to go to was closed for Cinco De Mayo and we ended up just eating at Red Robin. But it was still great. It's such a wonderful feeling to be with someone who doesn't care how bad things are. I love her so much it hurts.
Sounds great, so I hope this isn't just some lonely persons fantasies; I hope this is really happening for you!
C'MON
>>53
Heh, if it were my fantasy, I'd come up with something a lot better. We're going out again on Saturday. I really, really don't want to go off to college now...
Don't worry about it. I am in freshman year and there is a (really hot) girl who still is in a relationship with her high school boyfriend. You can still be close, and if you drift apart you shouldn't be afraid to try again with your greater experience.
you fool. you've struck gold. keep at it. going to college however, will test your relationship, especially if you guys will be far apart from each other. keep this in mind.
I feel like we're progressing a lot slower than we would be if I wasn't such a coward. We're very close, as always, but I always find myself wishing for more but too afraid to ask. Nonetheless, I am happy, and I like to think that she is too. Sometimes I worry that she has lost her regard for me, but such paranoia is unfailingly proved groundless by the next meeting...I am a creature driven by fear, always haunted by fear of rejection and failure; nearly all of my other problems stem from fear, including being an annoying asshole that whines about himself on the internet.
Oh well! I'm so happy right now that I couldn't care less what other people think, or about the fact that I'm too slow and uninsightful to make the next move...
Obviously you do care about what people think, thats why you're still acting out of fear. You need to let it go. If you keep on being a coward you will lose her and everything else, if you take a chance you might lose something, but you may also win, and you will grow as a person.
Stop being a coward, just do things. Don't wait around, take initiative. It will be hard and painful but everything that is worth something comes at a cost of effort, everything that is good has a price.
I believe in you dude.
go for a boob grab! might be your last chance!!
>>59
I do not care about what other people think, but I do care about what she thinks. Right now she's the most important person to me, and I don't want to do anything she doesn't like. So yes, my fear is of displeasing her, though not anyone else. Thanks for the advice; I'll keep on fighting!
I hope for your sake it works out. I know the feeling of unrequited love for a friend all to well.. It's good that you got at least to dating. Most times it doesn't get so far. You're lucky.
Don't be afraid to move to the next step. That's gotten me dumped quite a few times. Just know that if you stay afraid than dreams of what could have been will haunt you.
I know what it's like to be so in love with someone you don't want to do something for fear of hurting them. If you've gotten thus far and every thing's been okay with her, push further it might be what she wants.
You can't make her happy if you don't try to move the relationship to the next level.
I love her so much that it hurts. Should I tell her?
Yes, I think she should know that.
Yes, if she doesn't then how can you move forward? Plus if she doesn't how can you live with your feelings hanging over your head?
I suppose it's time for another report. She knows I love her now, but it hasn't changed much. We're moving so slowly that it's driving me crazy. I didn't think my love could get much stronger, but as the days pass I only find myself more attached. And yet we still haven't even kissed, and we're still hardly physically (or even mentally) close at all. If I was playing it safe before, she's playing it even safer now. She's always been a shy person, so I can understand that it's difficult for her to open up (this is probably the first time anybody has ever gotten even this close to her, so I can feel special because of that.)
That's not to say I'm not making any progress. Slowly, but surely I am getting better at this whole real-life thing, and simultaneously gaining more courage and trying to take advantage of every opportunity I can to thoroughly woo her. We are getting closer, but God I wish it didn't take so long...and so much money...went to another movie+dinner yesterday, maybe I should stop insisting that I pay for everything.
Not that I'm one for relationships, but I do know a lot about making women like you in the right way.
The honest to God truth is, women draw their conclusions on you within the first couple of weeks. She might have seen you as romantic material the first times she saw you, but when you spend more and more time without any romance you get put as a friend and it's nearly impossible to get out of that.
It's not their fault either. Women have to generalize in order to keep sane with the amount of men that they have to put up with. They have to choose. Typically if you are close to them without sex that's what they're going to get used to. They're far easier to have sex with the first week or two and THEN they also try to get close to you spiritually.
Once you guys are 'friends', it's awkward to break out of. Except in one case. This is the advice I've got for you currently.
Create a new image of you. Now this doesn't mean don't be yourself, but you want her to feel for you then you've got to show what you have to offer her! Instead of just hanging out, take more initiative, say that you want to go to a specific place, hang out with OTHER women. If you get another girlfriend or potential girlfriend than you suddenly become this different man in HER eyes. It really wasn't that great an Idea to say that you Love her. True or not, it's best to let these things happen naturally. If you Love her, then it should be pretty obvious and you don't even have to say it. But if you take the initiative to show that you're boyfriend material and then suddenly don't show her that you Love her. That will draw the question "Didn't he Love me before? How come we're not together?". Never ever ever ever ever ever ever approach a woman like you're courting her, until she's chasing you. Until she wants it.
Well it's good she knows now atleast that part is over with. The simple fact that she knows but isn't scared off is a good thing for you, now you can have faith and think with conviction that no matter what happens (or doesn't) she feels for you atleast a little bit.
I was in a situation that was similar only I was the person who was to shy to do anything. It might be that she is scared that any thing she does might mess something up, hence the relationship moving slower now, but what you need to do is to show her support and maybe make the first move so she knows it's okay.
Though I will say you should MAKE SURE THE TIMING IS RIGHT. You'll know it when it happens.
Your emotions are beautiful, don't be afraid to let them show, they will transform you in her eyes to glow like the summer sun. Just don't be afraid. If she is a real woman and not some form of cattle to herd with tricks, she can handle real confessions and real explanations. Give her your kisses, let her know how you feel her.
/love
That really touched me... In the end I do hope there are women like that...
But most of the time they're just cattle. So I sort of opt for the highest win ratio.
68 has it right. With some exception, a woman will make up her mind on how she feels about you within a few meetings. The great part of an established relationship is "being there" for someone, but if there's too much of that in the beginning, you'll drift into the dreaded friend zone.
What you want is to remain attractive on your own merit, just not by how much attention you pay to her whims or how much you complement her on whatever it is you like about her.
She'll want to hear those things, and sure chivalry is romantic, but more importantly... well hey, 70 says it well.
I know and you are right, but I'd rather be cut down in the open a thousand times to find that one woman who will complete me.... Rather than settle for a fucking knife that will slowly bleed me dry in the privacy of my own home.
Wonderful advice from >>72 (as usual.) I'll take the other posts into consideration as well, thank you for all the advice. However, I no longer fear, as >>68 suggested, that I have been put as just a friend, because of something that she herself surprised me by saying to me this morning.
We were talking online, just about the war in Iraq or something, but we somehow ended up on the topic of relationships and she said something like, "Maybe you should stop torturing yourself by doing nothing."
My God, I love her.
Stunned and speechless, I stupidly replied with something like, "I know that, I'm trying but it's difficult." And she, always undeterred by my horridness, said that I need to have faith in myself.
Of all the people that could encourage me, I never imagined she would be one...if there was ever any indication that I should try and take it to the next level, this is it. I've been looking at it all wrong, as usual; her brief words have completely changed the way I see our relationship. So, I guess I was the more cowardly and shy one after all, in the end! Everything was prepared for me to go for it all along, I just couldn't see it. The next time I see her, I'm going for a kiss! I just pray I can do it...Thank God she's so encouraging and forgiving; I would have been dropped by anyone else in a second. Ah, Julia, I am such a fool! You should know that I don't deserve you...
>>Ah, Julia, I am such a fool! You should know that I don't deserve you...
Seriously dude don't be silly, don't ever say that to her. Ever.
You deserve her because she wants you, tell her that and you say; You're a moron for wanting me, stop it.
Obviously there is something good about you, perhaps everything but your fear and self-loathing. She is helping you to get over that now, so just happily accept her help and drop the degrading melodrama.
Tell her this instead, if anything: "You make me want to be a better person." or "You deserve the best that I can be." Something to that effect, cuz you know that shit is true dawg. Now go do this thing.
Oh my god... This... This is so beautiful!!!
I Love you guys. I Love you all in a totally non homosexual way.
It's true though as >>77 says. "I want to be the man that deserves you. I'll be the man that deserves you" or something to that effect. It's true though, self degrading melodrama is pointless if you're not beyond hope. And you're not beyond hope. Not by a longshot! Post what happens next!
On the reversal side, something like this happened to me in Highschool. And I got rejected anyway, the girl told me that I should never be afraid and never apologize for the way I feel. At the same time though she wanted to keep it slow.
>>75
...Can't I have both?
Thanks again for all the support. So, we kissed. Though they were not the most romantic or passionate lip-lockings, those brief moments were heavenly - but I won't bore you with ranting about how happy I am. She leaves for a three-week trip to her father's house in another state tomorrow. Cruel that we should finally kiss only to be immediately separated, but I should be able to survive the loneliness somehow.
>>77
Don't worry, I'm stupid, but not that stupid. I'm really only melodramatic in secret; I never lavish her with my self-loathing.
Ah, love stories.
Press on, and let love be your guide. Don't be afraid to make mistakes because if she really loves you it won't matter. Change, but change for the better do not forget yourself. If you do something, no matter how little do it because you love her. Breath as if you breath only because you love her. Live only to see her face once more. If you LOVE her she would be a fool not to love you.
What a half-assed 'love story'. What a clichèd teenage crush.
Bo ho, I don't wish I could share your pain.
Oh lovely! I hope the best for you guys.
And here is a tip for the road: If you like to lavish yourself in self-loathing in private, it will eventually spill over into your relationship, as it becomes more close and honest. So kill that side of yourself now.
>>81
Haha, I feel like I'm reading an inspirational book. But thanks anyway.
>>82
I realize it's clichèd, and I won't pretend that what I feel is somehow more special than the millions of other passing teenage crushes out there, each one of them believing that they have discovered "true love." But I don't give a fuck; I've found happiness.
>>83
I'll start hacking away at it.
I'm glad you're sober about this thing but put your heart and back into this relationship and don't ever allow yourself to think that it might just be a passing thing. There is nothing saying you cannot make this last, it's all about what you put your mind to.
Let the cynics rot in their sorry world if they want to, but they don't set the rules thank God. Just have faith in the two of you, I do.
>>85
Don't worry. I love her enough to risk getting hurt by persisting in our relationship even through college. I just know it will probably end badly, as all such relationships do, with me only probably being able to see her on weekends, but I still believe that it can work out somehow. Love can be blinding that way.
Anyway, she's back! Finally. Love her even more now - fucking distance makes the heart grow fonder. I'm going through every cliche in the book. She has given me full permission to do all sorts of coupley things with her, kissing and touching and the like, so now it's just a matter of me not being all awkward about it if I want to progress in our relationship. Since I'm not used to human contact, I can't easily do things like even put my arm around her. I force myself, and thus I'm learning, though very slowly. I believe in myself!
I feel jealous now and thats highly unusual.
I don't know why I get this picture of your girl being awesome because I'm usually such a cynical prick. I guess I believe you.
Anyway, you just need to learn to relax, forget about everything you've been taught and just be for a while. Just be with her, not all the voices in your head and her.
You don't have to be any more used to this than a baby needs to be of breathing, it will happen naturally if you only let it. I'm starting to sound like a broken record...
There is no past to ruin the present apart from what you commemorate and don't you worry about the future either because we create it through who we are. Worrying is half the loss because while you do it, it affects your words and actions. And those little doses of negativism over time grows to affect your life to become less and once you get to what was once "your future", you will have made all your worries a reality and you go like; "See!? I fucking knew it! This is just my luck!".
So stay positive and meet obstacles as an oppertunity to grow stronger with providing solutions. Nothing will end badly unless you make the two of you those typical sour asses who are the reasons things turn to shit in the first place.
Love isn't blinding, it should just be a natural part of life but we've made life a heap of unnaturally blinding bullshit. I mean we have even made pain beautiful so we can be pain junkies. What the fuck is that shit?
...So anyway, what is actually natural no longer fits in that pile of crap, that's what makes love so misleading to us. Together with parenthood, you know how that is supposed to be so hard but it really isn't. And sex, thats an entire fucking science by now but the less you know the better it gets, but now we are just afraid of all the wrongs we can make while we strive for that idea of perfection which is just a heap of oppinions about this and that.
Don't induldge in it, don't even fucking care, don't listen, don't look. Turn your eyes away from all the bullshit this world heaps over your heads you don't need any of it, it will only make your lives a burden.
>>87
Thank you for the advice. I have been trying to just relax around her, and so far it's been great. I won't ramble on about all the laughs we have together, or the first time we made out while sitting on a grassy hill overlooking the night city, but I will say it has really been wonderful. It's given me a whole new perspective on not just love, but life, too. In movies characters will say to each other, "Have you ever been love before?" in order to prove a point, and now I can understand why. It really alters your take on things; for a brief example, I don't care all that much about sex or porn anymore. If we never have sex (we both know it's probably never going to happen) I don't really care. As long as I have her.
When I think back to the kind of person I was when I started this thread, I shake my head in shame. I think she really must love me to have put up with me over these past few months. I've grown so much, thanks mainly to her. (Thanks a bit to 4-ch, of course, too.) It feels great to know that I can make a complete fool of myself and still get away with it.
4ch success story!
You've one the first boss, but you've got some grinding to do before the second. Good going, Clyo!
This is so awesome, this is like Densha Otoko forum on this site, and this guy is just so like him to, to now have girl that loves him. That it some crazy twist of fate
Personally I love this forum. I paste fake questions and fake advice, and the only risk is that someone sages a thread. Sometimes people take my advice and it actually works, and then I consider myself a failure.
>>91
Wishful thinking - I'm no Densha. Just a foolish 17-year-old boy.
Anyway, we're still going strong, though as with all relationships there are a few rocky points. She can be very stubborn, and if we ever disagree on something she tries as hard as she can to change the subject, refusing to talk about it. And she is still very closed to me, especially about her past. It's impossible for us to get into an argument this way, but also leaves problems unsolved and both of us frustrated. (Advice on dealing with this part welcome...)
Of course, I make it sound worse than it is by listing only the bad things. And there are plenty of good things. I'm not giving up on her any time soon!
Update, in case anybody cares.
We are still having great times together. I somehow feel closer now than ever before. I feel like I'm finally getting places! I keep repeating this, but it's hard to believe how much I've changed since posting >>1. At the point I'm at now, even if I somehow lose her (God forbid) I won't be completely lost. I'm no longer desperate. This relationship really started as desperation, looking back. I would have been crushed had she rejected me, I'm just really lucky she didn't. But the point is that now I am no longer weak. We love each other!
Obligatory update for the millionth time: We are still going out. I love her so much!
Thats great to hear mate. Obligatory best wishes for the millionth time. :)
>>96
I hate you and all you stand for. But continue to make bombing runs, my shelter is actually getting pretty solid now.
OP here with a 13-year-old update.
Looking back on this thread, I realize how immature and self-centered I was. I thought I was in love, when really I was just desperate to be in love (and also horny) and thus prepared to fall in love with whoever showed some interest in me. And as our relationship went on, I went from shy and awkward to dominating and demanding; both sides really stem from self-centeredness.
In retrospect she was much more emotionally and socially mature than I was. Really, she was an angel to have put up with all my bullshit for so long. Around 2009, after some time in a long distance relationship, we parted ways; although I was the one that suggested it, I secretly regretted it and went through a very embarrassing and stereotypical "crazy breakup" phase, getting angry at her for no good reason. She forgave me though, and we remained distant friends, although the rift never quite healed, and also I think she must have started to realize in hindsight what an asshole I was (as did myself). Our online chats gradually grew less frequent, and so we drifted away...
We don't talk anymore, but judging by social media she seems to be doing well for herself. As for me, I think I've grown a lot as a person. I am now happily married to a woman whom I deeply love. Honestly everything still worked out pretty great in the end. My only regret is that I wished I could have apologized to my first love back when it would have meant something, for everything I put her through. I could apologize now, but I think it would come off as inappropriate and tone deaf if I said it now.
Anyway, thanks, /love/ for all your help.