Crushed Self-esteem (38)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-03-31 02:53 ID:l0o3nw/l

Alright, I don't have a lot of experience with women. I've only been on a few dates, and they were all with girls I had met online because I'm fairly shy around people I don't know (so it would be pretty hard for me to ask out a girl I don't know very well).

I've tried messaging girls on dating websites, I've even answered a few ads on craigslist. Invariably, the same exact thing happens every time. We seem to get along nicely, we appear to have quite a bit in common. Then, out of nowhere, these girls just stop talking to me. No explanation, no "Sorry, I started dating someone else" or "Sorry, but I just don't think you're my type" but a total cessation of communication.

Is this normal behavior for women? I can understand if they just ignored me right off the bat, but why would they be so friendly to start with, exchange a few messages, and then suddenly disappear? If this happened once or twice I would consider it a fluke, or "not meant to be," but the fact that it's happened probably a dozen times now really makes me wonder what it is about me putting these girls off.

2 Name: Visual Kei : 2007-03-31 05:17 ID:ktJUOvHq

I dont know what ya look like, but I can say some girls do put on an act of being nice, but really what they're looking for is someone with a hot appearence or whatever, to some of them that's all they care about unfortunately -_-; Or, they could have just forgotten perhaps? Have you tried messaging them back??

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-03-31 05:24 ID:impBLBS4

It is hard to tell what you are doing wrong since you have not given us enough information on yourself except that you are shy.

Now, is this normal behavior for women? Yes, for the types that you meet online. I think it is normal behavior for either gender.

So, maybe you could decribe yourself a little better. How do you consider yourself physically? Do you seem very shy when you are around these women? Do you feel that you are socially awkward? Do you appear confident? These are important questions that you should think about as the problem could be one or more of these things.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-03-31 05:27 ID:l0o3nw/l

Yeah, with several of them, after a week or so of not getting a response, I say something like "Hey, haven't heard from you in awhile, what's up?" and I still get nothing. With a couple, I even sent a message a week or two after they stopped talking to me saying "It's alright if you're not interested in me, but can you at least tell me why?" and still I get nothing.

I think I look alright. I've got a good complexion, not overweight, keep my hair brushed, wear clean clothes, shower, etc. I've had some people tell me I'm cute before, but it's always been people I'm not interested in, like gay guys or girls I'm not attracted to.

5 Name: Visual Kei : 2007-03-31 05:32 ID:ktJUOvHq

Hmm, well it is possible that girls that avoid talking to some people, it's just a thing they do, they just aren't interested anymore, and when you meet online first, it's easy to just ignore and forget about a person then replying to you messages and feeling awkward saying that "you're not their type" I have never really come across too many people who'd admit that to a person.

6 Name: Kira : 2007-03-31 08:43 ID:az+b9Cso

Well keep trying then... Remember all the famous people never gave up on things... If you fall down, you stand up again. I mean there are times when things are unclear and unexplained but you need to keep looking a head (from my experience with girls) and that will make you stronger. So keep looking!!! Also work on your confidence. Practice

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-03-31 11:19 ID:mA/XXW7a

Your physical appearance seems fine, otherwise you wouldn't be getting internet dates in the first place. Also it wouldn't be an aspect of you which is overly evident on the first few dates (like body odour). Hence I'm placing my bet that it's on your personality (not to be too harsh). That's the only reasonable explanation why girls stick around with you initially, but then break it off as they get to know you better. But there's nothing wrong with your personality, there's just something wrong with your dating method. Lots of internet dates/blind dates/speed dates don't work because of personality clashes. Instead, you should date girls within your social circle or get to know them better before asking them asking them out.

Just trying to put a girl's perspective...which is kind of lacking in this thread.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-03-31 16:16 ID:l0o3nw/l

>>7

I appreciate your input.
Actually, with most of these girls, I never even get a date. We just exhange messages for a few days/weeks, and then they stop responding. With the ones I have gone out with, they really seem to be enjoying themselves while we're out (could they be putting on an act?) but then when I try to set up a second date, I'm never able to (although I've only had like 3 first dates so far, so that may be a different issue.)

As for dating girls within my social circle, I don't have a social circle. Although that's an issue for another thread on an entirely different board.

9 Name: Josou : 2007-03-31 19:22 ID:r6YSuhQ9

In my experience most girls are socialized to be polite and nice, even if they hate you (to a certain degree). If they're not interested, they will still be polite and act interested. This is because they don't like to hurt people's feelings. However, it would also be unfair to themselves and others to stick in a relationship they're uninterested in for the sake of niceness. There isn't really a good solution, since they often feel that saying, "I'm not interested." is not only hurtful, but also really hard to say. The easiest way out is perhaps, for them, to not say anything, and ignore the person. In face-to-face, the solution would be to become friends, but over the internet, you don't even have to see the person's face, and can try to disappear.

>>4

Girls will never give you a straight answer on why they're not interested, because it will always come out as hurtful. Unless you've done something to really, really, really, piss them off, to the point where they don't care about hurting you, they are loathe to tell you why they're not interested in you because it will come off (at least to them) as being insensitive and hurtful. They feel like they're insulting you as a person, which girls don't like doing.

Well except for the mean or cruel ones...and even most of those wouldn't do it to your face.

It's kind of tough because guys are generally used to things being more direct, you know, finding a problem and fixing it, whereas girls can not necessarily be that way.

10 Name: Josou : 2007-03-31 19:23 ID:r6YSuhQ9

Now some girls are more direct, and honest, but I find most girls aren't that way.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-04-04 00:09 ID:CEq1SwIP

Well, from what I've read on dating and stuff, why the girls won't talk to you OP is that either
1) You were behaving like a sissy
2) You just don't understand women lingo
3) You don't do anything to try to go next level

so,

1) Don't be a sissy by being clingy, sending messages like "why won't you talk to me anymore" (I did that too and neither will they reply), and be arrogant yet funny when you talk to them (like make fun of them and stuff)
2) Understand women look at body language and eye contact to tell the "to keep" guys and the trash can. A friend of mine told me how a coworder at her work kept looking at her with goo-goo eyes when they talk which just creeped my friend out.
3) Don't just 'sit' there and wait for her to make a move, try to climb to new heights but not doing things like tell her how you feel about her. Try things like looking at her eyes when she talks to you and when she looks back at you, keep the contact then look away. And while I still need to work on this one, get more physical with her, by that I mean like stroke her hair or her back like you would do to a friend.

12 Name: 1 : 2007-04-04 00:41 ID:l0o3nw/l

>1) Don't be a sissy by being clingy, sending messages like "why won't you talk to me anymore" (I did that too and neither will they reply), and be arrogant yet funny when you talk to them (like make fun of them and stuff)

My messages are more like "Hey I haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks, how's it going?" Followed by "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a month, what's the deal?" after which point I just give up.

>2) Understand women look at body language and eye contact to tell the "to keep" guys and the trash can. A friend of mine told me how a coworder at her work kept looking at her with goo-goo eyes when they talk which just creeped my friend out.

Haven't ever gotten near that stage yet (most of these girls I contact will be like "Hey, what's up? We seem to have the same interests" followed by an exchange or two between us, followed by silence forever.

The last girl that stopped talking to me asked me what I liked to do for fun, and said she "eagerly awaited my reply." I responded that I like to go to movies and ski, and asked her what she liked to do for fun. I guess she wasn't that eager after all, since I haven't heard back from her in about a week.

>3) Don't just 'sit' there and wait for her to make a move, try to climb to new heights but not doing things like tell her how you feel about her. Try things like looking at her eyes when she talks to you and when she looks back at you, keep the contact then look away. And while I still need to work on this one, get more physical with her, by that I mean like stroke her hair or her back like you would do to a friend.

Again, I haven't gotten anywhere near this far with any girls yet, but stroking the hair or back of a girl who you're not dating just seems creepy as hell to me.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-04-04 01:32 ID:o5JKrDAv

well, i can't be certain about why they are not answering, i do not have enough information on you to judge you and see if it something you are doing wrong, or if they're just uniterested or just simple b*****s. But you shouldn't bombard them (and i'm not saying you are) with messages when they do not reply. Some girls might not connect to the site you guys chat on, or check their emails very often, or maybe they have just been very busy lately (these are just a few examples, there could be a myriad more) but the last thing they want to see, when connecting once again, is 10 messages from the same guy, asking them why there aren't relying or where they are or even why they do not like him (they've seen enough horror movies to know this is creepy...) so maybe you should wait a little longer, if there still no answer, just email/message them once saying something like "hey i don't know if you've been busy lately or what happened, but it has been very nice talking to you, i hope we can pick up our conversation whenever you feel like, you know where to reach me...talk to you later, best of luck", something around those lines (i couldn't think of anything solid on the spot...sorry) and then just move on to somebody else.

14 Name: CABLE : 2007-04-04 11:07 ID:A8fFdPbx

Hey OP, how about ... BEING A MAN.

Too bad your personality seems kinda weak, the only way to get out of that, is to actually change your way of life. How to change your way of life? A lot of willpower and discipline. IF you want girls.

I myself am only a girl but if a man has such an attitude that he can't even figure out what's wrong with himself, maybe the problem is with him. Not saying that those women are acting wrongly by not answering you and saying something like: 'You are weak, shoosh shoosh!' but, remember this, first steps are taken by men, that's the way most women feel.

I myself have taken first steps many times, but it wasn't with people i met online, online meetings are easy to forgot, and online friends aren't really friends, whenever you talk with am it's like talking to yourself, since you don't receive physical responses.

Could you tell me how old are you ? Because if you are 20-something you would be better off going to a disco.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-04-04 12:39 ID:p2e1BjXx

lol "disco"

but yeah, i agree - it'll be better if you start going out and meeting random people. that way you'll learn about body language and be able to read between the lines so you'll know whether or not they really are interested or just saying empty words. i know youre saying you cant get meetings in person with the online girls, but what we're saying is forget the sites and just go out and go up to random women and talk to them. try to start conversations, if theyre obviously not interested in talking to you then just walk away and find someone else to talk to and dont worry about that rejection.

16 Name: 1 : 2007-04-04 13:45 ID:l0o3nw/l

>>14
Disco? What?

>>15

>but yeah, i agree - it'll be better if you start going out and meeting random people.

I've tried that before, I've tried joining various activity clubs at my college, and it's enjoyable for a month or two, but in the end the people there always end up irritating me, or it ends up becoming too much of a bother for me to keep going, or both. I don't really desire a bunch of friends or a social circle or anything like that, I would just like some romantic companionship. But yeah I realize that's going to be hard to achieve if I don't socialize (which is why I've been relying on the internet up until now.)

17 Name: CABLE : 2007-04-04 14:06 ID:A8fFdPbx

>I've tried joining various activity clubs at my college

Yep, i think you should socialize with people in the clubs, even if later on you are planning to quit them, and remember, the hard working ones, are the ones girls praise. Even if they think that a hot guy is so awesome a hard working one, that has passion on what he does, is really the way girls tend to go.

>Disco? What?

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, GO OUT, SHAKE YER BOOTY.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-04-04 18:06 ID:Tcf6g6As

yeah exactly just go to the club and meet women there, then just ask if she wants to meet up outside of the group. then you dont really need to stay in the group - if shes still keen on it just try and come up with dates on the nights that the club actvity would be on

19 Post deleted by moderator.

20 Name: Josou : 2007-04-04 19:09 ID:LEx2Ddcp

>>11

>be arrogant yet funny when you talk to them (like make fun of them and stuff)

Haha, not always a good idea. Girls with low self esteem, that might work, but on some girls, it is like goggles, and does nothing. And if you do it too hard, no surprise, it PISSES THEM OFF. Basically, what 11 is suggesting is you mildly bully girls into liking you. And like bullying kids into giving them your lunch money it works on the weak, but can get you in trouble with people with more willpower.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-04-04 19:56 ID:Tcf6g6As

it can work on some beautiful girls, especially girls who know it, because normally they have guys coming up to them spouting the same old "you're so beautiful" crap that theyve heard a thousand times and it just makes it obvious that you're trying to get in their pants (so probably wont succeed)

22 Name: CABLE : 2007-04-05 00:23 ID:A8fFdPbx

>>20
>>21

Actually, if the girl is smart and not with a low self esteem, she may find those arrogant jokes actually quite funny, because she will see through you; not only she has to be smart, she also has to like you.

Because she can be smart and not like you, so she won't even giggle with your jokes... You should just stick to the happy-go-lucky smart girls, easy ones to get, since they like people all around, and are nice to all of them... That is, if you are going for the arrogant jokes.

23 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:37 ID:XXuq0OL1

i have a gigantic butthole

24 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:42 ID:UmE9e1JC

mega orc that gigantic butthole is only hiding your own low self esteem

25 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:44 ID:XXuq0OL1

shut up nigger its better than hiding behind all that blubber

26 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:45 ID:UmE9e1JC

HEY you shut the hell up my blubber will swallow your gigantic butthole

27 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:45 ID:XXuq0OL1

my self estreem is bigger than your areola

28 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:45 ID:UmE9e1JC

you didnt even spell esteem right...

29 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:46 ID:XXuq0OL1

i will fart on your penis

30 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:47 ID:UmE9e1JC

lol at least i got a penis

31 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:48 ID:XXuq0OL1

attatching a melon popsicle stick to your gooch with masking tape doing coutn fatboy

32 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:49 ID:UmE9e1JC

your spelling sucks douche.

did you know that 9/10 people need a new mattress?

33 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:51 ID:XXuq0OL1

leeds smells like flaming beastaliy porn dvds

34 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:52 ID:UmE9e1JC

you would know wouldnt you

35 Name: MEGA ORC : 2007-04-12 02:52 ID:XXuq0OL1

negro i gota go later

36 Name: devilzkloud : 2007-04-12 02:54 ID:UmE9e1JC

latez

37 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-04-12 05:08 ID:Heaven

Hmm.

38 Name: sage : 2007-04-12 13:36 ID:Heaven

sage

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