help... relationship didn't get off the ground (22)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-23 01:02 ID:EjW0psvT

Where to begin... I've got a relationship that I thought was real, but doesn't seem to be going anywhere right now... Largely due to the other person... Hoping for some advice on what to do next... This is the first potential relationship I've been in, and I really don't want it to end... I'm torn up trying to find where to go from here...

Trying to sum this up is gonna be difficult, so apologies for the long post... I'm going to be blunt & frank, though, so pardon anything I might inadvertently say...

I work in this area, have for awhile, and some friends of mine who live in the next state over (about 1.5 hour drive) attend school here... They introduced me to someone who wanted to go to an anime convention in the summer, but their group of people would be full-up, and they knew I was going as well, so she could attend w/ me, her being a student in a college in their hometown about 1.5 hour away, which isn't hardly a drive at all;

It turned out she was into many of the things I was into, such as a particular anime, and some other things... We go to talking more & more, even texting back & forth, becoming very close... At first, there were jokes about us being together at the convention, then the joking became more serious about being together by the time the convention came, and then the decision was sorta made to be boyfriend & girlfriend...

I'm the shy, very embarrassed type, and she seemed to be as well, neither of us having been in any kind of real relationship before... We both were pretty hooked on each other, though, and started thinking of all the places we could go, and things we could do... Once school was out, and her friends were back home in her state, I was going to come visit, for us to go on a for-real date...

Then... School let out here a couple weeks ago, and her friends went home; She had finals about that time, and her texting and phone calls became... somehow... less romantic... There wasn't the typical... well... smileys, pet names, xoxo's, things like that...

After letting it go for a day or so, I kept sending a text each day to wish her luck at work or somesuch like that... Eventually, she did reply and said that when she has.... problems (read: PMS), she becomes somewhat antisocial... and that it wasn't me...

She apologized, but started to mention wanting to 'take it slow'... We'd discussed this before, and that was already our plan, so I was surprised it came up again... But she went back to being her usual old-style flirty happy self, at least it appeared so, so I thought nothing of it...

Then, not one day after she'd sent me a txt (after talking for awhile on the phone) reading: "Just wanted to say I love you"... I came to visit...

(Gonna post the other half in it's own post onto this)

2 Name: OP : 2007-05-23 01:12 ID:tYXQJddm

Anyway, to continue, came to our mutual friends' house first... Then went to pick her up... We'd idly discussed plans to see a movie while there, but not much more... We'd earlier pretty much said that we'd just be soooo shy on meeting each other...

Instead, she was there, and just kinda got in the car without even a "hi"... We went to the mall, and the... distance... was almost visible... I never imagined seeing her like this... It was like a whole other person! Her friends were even not understanding it... They made some comments about how neat it was that two of their friends were dating, but she didn't really smile or anything...

Frankly... She was acting rather "emo", to use a phrase I hate using... She did not act that way all the times we'd talked and txted and chatted for weeks... This was a whole different person, really, and I was really hurt...

We later went to the local park, but even there, while her friends, and me, were clowning around, she wouldn't get involved at all, and never really responded to me, by saying anything... "Hey, you, why don't you come over here" would've at least been nice... We went walking in the woods there, and she kept running ahead and not looking back to see that we were keeping up ok...

Overall, she seemed very apathetic, not only to me, but to her friends... She did mention that she had a rough time at her job the night before, and that the supervisor had ripped into her & her other people working there, but still...

Eventually, we left the friends, and picked up her little sister & her little sister's BF, and went to a drive-in theater... I've not felt so alone while watching a movie with complete strangers as I did with her... Her sister made jokes about them & us to be funny, and she barely laughed...

(I'm cutting out a lot of little details, but the important parts remain the same...)

The worst was when we went to the snack bar, and while she didn't want anything to eat, and I asked if she'd wait a minute & walk back to the car with me, she replied "Nah, I'm goin' back to the car, you can follow my sis' & her bf back"... That really, really hurt me...

That was about the end of the evening...

Her friends were very dissapointed to hear that all that had happened (or not happened, depending on how you looked at it...)

They basically said that that was not what she was like, and they didn't understand what was going on either...

(Gonna post the last bit in it's own post after this)

3 Name: OP : 2007-05-23 01:24 ID:pw0G7Mr3

Oh, almost forgot...

Got her a little gift, a figurine to put in her car, and she never really looked twice at it... I've sent her a book in the past as a gift, (a book she'd lost years ago), and she'd seemed to like that back then...

I hate to even say it, but at her house, her mother showed more interest in me while I was standing there than she did... All night it felt like I was traveling around with an apathetic robot...

Anyway... She hasn't called or txted since that night... I... hate to be this way, but frankly I rather was hoping for an apology for not being herself... Relationship aside, that was just plain pretty dissapointing...

Finally, I got talking with one of her friends online, and heard that after they talked with her, she said that she "wasn't ready for a relationship, because she wants to travel & not be trapped..." "that stability, to me, is living one place, while she wants to travel the world somehow", and that "relationships scare her for that reason"...

Apparently from what she told her friend, she really didn't want to promise anything, but really liked me a lot, but has big issues right now... (issues she won't apparently even tell her friends) From what I was told, she didn't know how to tell me without me freaking out & blaming myself (which I am, frankly), and she "wants her freedom awhile longer, and hasn't gotten the chance to age yet"... (I am slightly older than she is, which is why I'm working here, and she's still in college there)

I'm not sure where to go on this one... Not even sure what I'd say if she does call me...

Certainly not even wanting to think about inevitably going to that anime convention... (We'd had plans to dress as a couple from a particular anime... That idea hurts too much to think about now...)

4 Name: OP : 2007-05-23 01:35 ID:Gk3PUaJO

Whoops... Post cut off...

The worst part is that any other typical, non-sensitive guy probably would've just written her off as a dud, a failed date, and moved on... But I really feel like we have something... Especially after how close we were... (Without going into details, there weren't many things we kept from each other...)

I guess I'm hurt knowing that apparently she feels that being in any one place is somehow... boring... I want adventure, too, but I rather enjoy actually having a home to go home to, that doesn't change all the time...

I really feel like if this is how she felt, why didn't she tell me sooner... I personally have the feeling she got as carried away as I was... (Gotta concede, this "love" is an intoxicating drug...) But still...

I'm hoping this is all just really strong "second thoughts", and it'll be gone... She'll go back to being the bubbly, flirty, not-emo person I fell for...

Along those lines, I'm also worried why she acted that way around us to begin with... There's being "not yourself today", but that was ridiculous... That was someone else compeletely...

What depresses me most of all is the idea that... I'm supposed to... what? Wait until she's done jetting around having fun & living her life, and when you're finished, the stability-guy, me, will be here, still waiting for you? Granted, I honestly do believe she would be faithful, and her friends have confirmed this, but the very idea of waiting for someone to be "ready" is disappointing, and very unsatisfying, when you want to start having a relationship...

I'm sure that's not what's she's thinking in feeling that way, but that's how it feels to me... Frankly, I wasn't originally looking for a relationship, but after both of us fell completely into one, it's hard to not feel hurt when this kind of thing happens, and for these reasons, apparently...

Sorry to everyone for the length of this post, but I really felt the need to tell this story (well, the highlights & overview of it, anyway) to someone, as right now, frankly, I'm having a hard time thinking about anything else... (It's all I'm thinking about at work, at home, etc... Being depressed all the time is really getting old...)

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-23 04:46 ID:CBgiC7yC

Don't play the reliable boring guy, you'll get cheated on. DTMFA.

6 Name: OP : 2007-05-23 14:52 ID:aNQLHevz

OP Here...

Well, after debating a lot of things...

I thought that if she wants to travel so much (which I rather would enjoy as well, just that right now I need the money at my decent paying fulltime job...), there still shouldn't be any reason not to, as she's still in college, and I'm still making money to pay off my loans... After that... I'd be free... for whatever may come... I was never really tied to where I am now, just lacked a reason to travel...

It's Wed. Morning now, and I haven't called/spoken/txted her since Friday night, when things didn't go well...

I finally worked up my courage, and decided I suppose I've got to be a man about this, and mabye be decisive & brave for a change, and txted her, about the fact that I've been thinking about a lot of things, and about us, and that I know she has too... I said that I think we both were scared, and would like to talk, preferably in person, if she likes...

Now we play the waiting game and see what her response is... I know already that she's not afraid to be my friend, but I do want more than that, especially after how far we came along those lines... And if traveling is her biggest worry... I'm not too worried about that either, once I put some more positive thinking about it into effect... She'd worked in florida before, at Disney, and enjoyed it, and mabye... Something in me that's always wanted to adventure is starting to get intrigued by that as well...

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-23 15:22 ID:fablgPuf

Seriously, text messaging? Couldn't you at least send a written note?

Also, I don't think she's likely to go back to the person she once was. People tend to undergo large changes of thought and character in college, as they decide for themselves what they really want in life. Don't count on her suddenly popping back into happiness after she "gets over" herself.

8 Name: OP : 2007-05-23 16:01 ID:aNQLHevz

Actually, text messaging because she lives about an hour & a half away, as I'd mentioned above... (And I can't call now because I'm actually at work...)

And I'm not sure about the changes... We've been talking for about 2 months now, and the changes really only happened last week, and though they seemed over with (PMS moodiness, supposedly), they came back Friday, when I first really met her, which led to a very disappointing first date, followed by no real communication until now, when I just texted her...

I'm frankly thinking (and from talking with our mutual friend last night, I know she has) gone through a lot of thought on this...

My opinion on the subject is that she still has a fair amount of time in college, and I'm working, so there's no reason we can't have a successful relationship, and by the time she's ready to make decisions about travelling, I'd... like to say I'll be ready to make them with her, for myself as well... (As far as I'm thinking, also, she'll very likely need a job fairly immediately around here anyway, to begin paying off bills & loans, so the traveling concept may be further off still...

She hasn't responded yet, but she's very likely asleep, or even carefully wording her reply... Hopefully...

Something, I don't know... kind of coalesced in me when I sent that message... I've already been through the ranges of emotions over this, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, and I think they all somehow came together when I got the courage to send that...

Maybe I'm tired of feeling not in charge of where I go & what I want... I want a relationship, and I'm starting to realize & feel that it's not wrong to want that, with where I am in life, and what I want at this point in life...

That's what I intend to say, when I speak with her, preferably in person... I do not want to tie anyone down, and frankly, I'd enjoy being able to leave my job, as frankly, there's no room for advancement, and it makes me miserable most of the time...

I don't know where this assertiveness came from, but I oddly feel better when I think about things in this way... I'm never assertive, as I'm the very sensitive type, but somehow, this time, I feel like my feelings are the ones that need consideration for a change...

9 Name: OP : 2007-05-23 16:33 ID:0RY4sjTt

Forget it. I turned gay.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-24 06:24 ID:mteYDiUF

awww...OP...
you sucha sweetie, it's too bad this didn't work for you.
fish, ocean, sea, etc.

11 Name: OP : 2007-05-24 09:12 ID:P8vjfw1v

>>10
Thanks:) I know, the whole finally meeting thing was pretty much a disaster, heh; (First date ever, and it turns out to be a miserable time... Not eager to have that happen again...)

I'm not stereotypically writing her off or giving up, though... Anyone else would've, but I'm not going to just walk away & leave us at this point, after that date... I worked up my courage yesterday, and realized that I really still want to have a relationship with this girl, as I really did fall for her, and she literally also admitted falling for me, when she was her regular self...

She hasn't responded yet, which likely means that she's really thinking her life over hard before calling or saying about meeting again... I happened to check online journal sites, and I've noticed that her icon representing her changed from her typical one to a symbol with the word "Angst"... I can only hope this means she's really debating us, and what she wants in life, because I know I have...

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-24 11:16 ID:tqruYeOO

She is debating how to tell you to not bother her.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-24 12:50 ID:5z+Vxx+I

She most likely wants to flirt during the trip and is too ashamed of that, so she doesn't tell anyone. Maybe she is planning something big, and you are on her way.

You must not think of her as a granted love.

14 Name: OP : 2007-05-24 12:55 ID:aNQLHevz

>>12
I sincerely hope that's not the case, but even if she did, at least being turned down could be understood, I suppose... It would be better than nothing, which is what's going on now...

I'd be hurt, as it just seems that once anything between us became... real, I suppose, she became a different person, which really disappointed me...

If that was the case, it would kinda leave me feeling like I was just some kind of "fake, internet flirt", like nothing she said to me ever was real, more like some kind of role-playing... It would feel far too much like a game was being played, on me... I don't think I could handle that, telling someone those kind of personal things about myself, and feeling emotions toward her, if they weren't real to her and didn't mean anything...

That's why I want to fight for her, and make this work, to prove to both of us that just because we were both scared and got akward when it became real in real life, doesn't mean the end of anything...

I've let people go that I thought I might have a chance with before, without ever admitting to myself or them of how I felt, and while I've always raked myself over the coals for doing that, I won't make that mistake this time...

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-24 14:00 ID:5z+Vxx+I

Just because people break up it doesn't mean that what they had was real, or that their feelings were false. People aren't obliged to only like one person forever. Humans love many people, they even love two people at the same time without being aware of it. Jesus they can even date someone and love her more than anything and still love someone else too.

And i'm a girl, so i bet that many girls think this way too. It's just a relationship, and you have a whole life, take it easy.

16 Name: OP : 2007-05-24 14:39 ID:aNQLHevz

>>13
Thanks for the words of encouragement... Here's hoping it's just a symptom of wanting to take it slow...

>>15 I know and fully agree (in fact, you sound very much like a friend of mine, who has made similar comments...), except that it wasn't really a breakup at all, or had anything to do with not loving each other..., she just suddenly didn't show any interest in me at all when we met, and acted like a different person, even to her friends, then hasn't talked about it since...

That's why I'm feeling that this is more an issue of being scared meeting in person, as that drove home what this could mean for us, and now an issue of needing to talk over our futures & plans with each other, before this can continue any further... I don't think either of us fully thought about just what this would mean in real life, and I think talking about it's the next step...

17 Name: OP : 2007-05-24 14:41 ID:aNQLHevz

(Ironically, I suppose all this would be better had we both had previous experience in the whole, dating, bf/gf, etc... type of thing... This is a first for both of us, neither of us being used to this kind of thing, so it's frankly really scary for me too...)

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-24 15:51 ID:5z+Vxx+I

Hahah, >>15 here, if this is your first time in a situation like this, you really should be taking the whole experience in and enjoying it, think about this as a lesson about life/dating/women you can only take once.

19 Name: OP : 2007-05-31 15:49 ID:aNQLHevz

OP here with a real (and positive!) update... Sorry for the long post!

After trying to get ahold of her for awhile, I finally got up the courage to actually call yesterday... After leaving a voice mail, I called again, on a lark... And got her mother, lol!

(Her mother, I'd met before, and was very nice); I learned that just as she'd mentioned to me, she'd gone with a few friends to a waterpark that day...

As I found myself talking more & more to her mother, her mother told me confidentially the exact things I'd suspected... That though she really still cared about me, when she met me in reality, and realized that this was a real relationship, she was in actuality, completely terrified, and wasn't ready to deal with it right then...

I explained everything, and my wanting to try things with her over again (Her mother found it actually very charming that I was such an upfront and honest person, and really felt bad that it hadn't gone well), and said she'd mention me calling;

Later, last night, I got a call about 11 pm... It was her... We wound up talking for about all of this for about three and a half hours, if you can believe that!...

We started talking casually talking, as though nothing had happened, and eventually got on the subject of what had happened... Turns out she did indeed realize how she'd come off to me... She didn't think about it at the time, but as she was scared to death of how real and sudden this had become, and had wanted to get back home & think about it, she'd also come off as an @$$hole... (Our mutual friend, her mother, and her older sister'd had all told her that, when she had told them what happened...)

(Her mom had also explained my feelings and such to her when she'd come home, explaining to her that I wasn't mad about what happened... Creepy how mothers have this weird way/power of helping talk about things...

She literally told me there was nothing wrong with me, and it was all her fault, in acting that way, and that she'd honestly been, in actuality, avoiding inevitably having this very conversation, and having to face it...

I first and foremost made clear that I'd seriously wanted a relationship, and she agreed, and though she had thoughts of backing off and trying to be friends, she came to the same conclusion...

At this point, though, she first wants to have more of a time or two of just "hanging out", watching movies over pizza and things like that, to 'get used to me', before we have a date thing again; That's specifically what scared her, going on a suddenly real date with someone she'd fallen for and gotten to know over the phone, when she'd never been in a relationship before... (That, and her concerns about still being able to travel and take a job somewhere else, wherever, when she finishes school, which I assured her I honestly would never want her to not be able to!)

In any case, we're going to continue doing the "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing, though the next time or two is just going to be hanging out, getting to know each other in person better, before a real date again, which I'm all for!

I'm so very glad I went with my heart for once, stuck to my guns on this, and fought for what I believed in and felt in my heart was right, even though many people, including some of my family, wanted me to give up on this... I've never felt strongly enough about anything before to have wanted to keep trying to this extent, but this once I did, and it worked out in the end, so far!

My sincerest thanks to everyone who supported me in this, and posted, and those many more who just lurked & read, and I hope this helps anyone out there dealing with a struggle over whether to give up, or hold on and keep fighting for what you feel and believe in... (<end my sappy romantic monologue!>)

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-05-31 18:54 ID:Pdh9+JK4

Yay ~

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-06-10 01:40 ID:eJZHn6Qv

well that was quite a nice story, i hope things will work out for you

22 Name: TokyoJapan22 : 2007-06-10 03:20 ID:1clkmOWE

SWEET! So does this mean the start of a new beggining?

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