So I've been going out with this shy girl (we're girlfriend/boyfriend), but something just doesn't feel right. I know she likes me but the way she acts towards me says the exact opposite.
I'll give you a few examples of what I mean.
Basically, I'm the one doing all the affectionate things. And I've let her know that it's okay to loosen up around me. But she still won't and it's bothering me. I don't feel good when I'm hanging around her because I feel like I'm bothering her. Like I'm just this annoying pest who keeps nagging on this girl whose too shy to say anything about it. I know that's not the case because I've talked to her about the things I just typed. She claimed that was just the way she was to everyone.
Am I asking for too much in a relationship? Is asking for a relationship where two people like each other and not afraid to show it too much ask? I just want to know. Because right now, this relationship isn't making me feel good at all. It's actually getting me a bit depressed.
No.
What should I do? Should I keep trying with this girl and hopefully she'll become affectionate (which makes me think I'm acting similar to when a girl wants to change an ass into a decent guy) or should I just find another girl that suites my needs?
What about talking to her about it?
Find someone else.
Tell to her that if she can be more affective you will need to broke the relationship, try to don't hurt her.
I DID talk to her about it. The thing that upsets me is that she's completely fine with it. She says that's the way she acts towards everyone. I've known her for awhile and that's true, but I thought things would change once we got into the girl/boy relationship.
It really disturbs me that I'm putting so much into this relationship while she isn't doing anything. It's give and take, and I'm giving everything and receiving not a damn thing. I can't remember the last time she displayed any kind of affection towards me and that's not how it should be.
So I'm going to talk to her about it...again, though she doesn't seem to think this is a big deal. And talking to her about it just makes me feel even worse. It makes me feel like I'm asking for something unreasonable when I know I'm not.
Be an hero.
Man, I got Deja Vu reading >>1 and >>7. I was in a very similar situation just a couple weeks ago. (Though I'm not sure to what degree.)
The difference is, when I talked to her on MSN late at night about it, she said she would try to be better about it. But I saw no change! She was pretty much the same as always. After this, I started getting depressed the same way you were. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I even cried once worrying so much that the relationship was going to have to end soon.
That's when I had a change of perspective; I just relaxed. Enjoyed myself around her. Loosened up a bit. That's when I noticed that it wasn't really completely cold. When I didn't go out of my way to be affectionate like I usually did, she would start to get closer to me, perhaps remembering her promise to change. The signs were very subtle, but once I opened my eyes I could tell she really did like me. I realized it's just part of her personality to be very 'closed,' but that didn't mean she felt closed around me, and as long as I could accept that we could be happy.
I guess the point is that if she's worth enough to you, as she is to me, you can work through this problem together, but it's probably going to require a lot of sacrifice on your part.
But it's not right for her to be acting towards you "the way she acts towards everyone". If you're in a relationship, she should behave accordingly. If she doesn't behave that way, it's because, for one reason or another, she doesn't want the relationship, or she has no clue how to behave in a relationship, or she's terrified.
.
It happen every once in while, when somebody write coherent, structured and to the point. Like here. Frigid Onanoko like those the best!
>>9 make good point. You want her to be more open to you, more outgoing and not passive, affectionate. A kiss just because she feel like it. Those little things that show she love you. That seems to be what you expect but you no get so you depressed (no?)
But FO wonder if she must act that way. Certainly she no need to be infatuated with you. Then again, interesting love require effort of two - onesided love only interesting for observers (with tragical inclination.) If she no feed relation, she is sabotaging it. Maybe she no aware of this, or maybe she just no wanna enter too deep a relation. Either way, current relation not visibly make her care much about it.
So your worries is: She may not know yet, but she loves you or she doesn't, or not very much. Which is it? and if not the first, should you move on?" Worst part, you have no idea how to find out. Depressing. >>9 has appropriate solution. Don't be too expecting from her, give this relation some time, its worth it. See what happen - it not guaranteed road to success, of course, (which is her unambiguous love for you) but it give relation chance of developing.
Love is also very personal, you have to be open to your own feelings and (when new to it) learn to interpret them, to deal with strong feelings you not had before. Shy people also may be shy to their own feelings, may block them (then again, shy can be from different causes and perhaps she way further than you on this point.)
Do as >>9. But can do more. Try to plan something to do together and involve her in it as well. Maybe a little trip to whatever, something maybe a month from now that involves finding out info. It need not be much, maybe just a day of hiking in the area, but at least an elaborated 'date.' Idea is, you both have something to look forward to and both plan for it. Healthy relationships involve teamwork anyway, so this good exercise. You will find out how your relation is from this. If afterward she is still indifferent about the project/trip/date thing, that should mean finding a way to let go of her.
Hoping this helps. Saying bye now!
What happens when you try to fuck her?
Alright guys, thanks for all the feedback.
I decided I'm going to talk to her about it again whenever I get the chance (which will be tonight, maybe). I'm going to ask her if she even wants to be in a relationship. And how I don't like how she acts so cold toward me. You're right >>10, I'm not everyone else, I'm her boyfriend.
I don't know what type of response I'll get, but I hope she cares enough to offer to change. If she doesn't seem to care, then I just don't know. I don't think I want any part of this any more. The way I feel now is just horrible.
If she acknowledges this as an issue and not just something you can shrug off, then I'm going take it like >>9 says. I'm going to relax. I'm not going to go out of my way to be affectionate. I'll do that for a while and see if anything changes. I'm also going to plan more dates like >>12 said.
That's all I can think to do for now.
OP... I should let you know this because it reminds me of some relationships I've had before. Girls like her don't want you to try to show affection, most of them will eventually say you are needy. Try not to exaggerate in asking for afection feedback and stuff like that.
Basicly, do nothing. Not only that but, stop paying her atenttion, she will eventualy gather the strength to talk to you about it.
OP here again, and actually >>15, I was thinking about doing just that. From now on, I'm doing nothing. I'm not getting online any more. She knows my cell number. If she wants to talk, she can call. Really, I'm going to do nothing. Right now I feel like a fool for trying so hard in the first place. I'm just...done.
OP, >>15 here, i think it is for the best, this is the better way to find out if she really feels anything for you. she might be hurt by this but ... she also hurt you.
any updates on this OP ?
Well, a little.
After I said I wasn't going to do anything, I end up talking to her the next day. Figures. But one of my friends (I'll call him Z) in our circle was dating another in our circle (I'll call her W), so I'm like, hey, why don't we double date? So we set that up for next week. We decided on bowling, seems like fun.
Anyways, tonight I came back from work. I work a crazy schedule, from 2:00PM until 9:00PM, five days a week. I call up and Z and ask him what's up, and he said my girlfriend, Z, and his girlfriend, W, all hung out together that day. Went out to eat, couple stores, hung out at the park, etc. I don't know why, but I got upset that they, you know, did all this without me.
So I call up my girlfriend. We talk. She said she would have invited me but I was at work, and they weren't planning it or anything, it just happened. Reasonable, but I just got even more upset. I just told her that was pretty messed up and I didn't feel like talking, and hung up the phone.
I still don't know why, but I was really upset when I hung up the phone. I even cried for a few minutes. I still don't know why, because it did seem reasonable, I mean, I was at work, but something inside just felt...I don't know. Can someone try to explain why I am feeling like this? I just got this sick feeling in my stomach.
awwww...OP.
break up with her.
and come have lunch with me.
I'll give you all the attention you deserve!
<3
OP, reminds me the situation with my one and only girlfriend. We both had depression (I'd come through it, she was still recovering), she was cold towards me. I had to initiate everything, which is hard for me, as I'm very awkward around people, girls even more and pretty girls even more. Eventually, I took the "fine, I'll do nothing" approach, waiting for her to contact me. She just sent me e-mails, which hurt me, but I coped with it.
One day, though, she just dumped me with a one-liner e-mail. Just like that. After e-mailing me about how much she loved me less than 12 hours before. I still don't think I can trust girls completely, and it hurts around couples. So, just be careful, man.
tl;dr:
Hope it all goes well for you, cheer up, dude.
I never thought of it that way...I really am depressed. It's a horrible feeling, like all your energy has been sucked out of you and you're just sitting there, hoping you get tired enough to go to sleep. It's weird, I'm usually one of those guys who has an optimistic outlook on everything and pretty hard to upset, but this time, I just can't kick it into gear.
This girl is upsetting me. It's not like I'm being clingy or anything. I'm not asking for ungodly amounts of her time. I'm just trying to do things and I even planned for us to hang out in a few days but she just threw another I don't care at me. She says that's just the way she talks, but when you're trying to put so much into something to make it work, that just...hurts.
I need to break up with this girl. It will be hard, but I need to do it. I remember before I got involved with her. I was pretty damn happy. I want to return to that. And I know I deserve much better than to be treated like this.
It's funny. There was this new girl at my job that was really into me, but because I was getting so involved with said girl, I blew her off completely. I regret that. We didn't have much in common hobby-wise, but she was willing to learn more about me. She was really pushing for it and now I really regret that because I was so involved with said girl, I blew her off without even noticing it.
I'm going to try to go to sleep again, but thanks for listening to me, 4-ch. Maybe one day I'll find a girl that likes me just as much as I like them (and not afraid to show it), but until then, I can't let myself worry about it.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes for you. I'm cheering for you, buddy.
Good luck OP, i was just thinking about telling you to break up with her... But you got there on your own. I think i talk for all of us when i say I am proud of your strength even when you so involved with her, it's good to feel that these threads actually mean something.
Op you being unreasonable. She had some fun with a couple, so pretty safe. If she went with Z alone, then you could and should be angry. Now, you just being possessive. She has life of her own and seem to value that. If you think she cannot have fun on her own with some people because you were also going to have fun with those people later... don't worry, she'll break up for you. FO not understand problem anyway. Are you also afraid that when people read your books, the stories inside become used and less interesting?
Maybe you not mentioning some relevant signals in post, but as is, Frigid Onanoko suggest you apologize to girl for being unreasonable.
>>25 You are taking sides, and you shouldn't. The problem here is that they simply don't work as a couple, in the end it'll be her by her own, not caring and happy. And him feeling depressed.
They don't match. He doesn't have to appologize for being who he is, same has she doesn't have to change to please him. There are too many fish in the sea for us to change for someone else, perfect matches are the ones that fully please us, and not the shitty ones in which you must change, or act like someone you are not.
>>26 taking sides is irrelevant. Frigid Onanoko will never condone with unfounded jealousy Op is yielding to right now. What he angry about? That his girlfriend have fun without him? If he no can live with that, then with next girl he gonna date, he should bring dogleash and see if it fit. Or ask if she wanna live the 60's model family lifestyle. Gentle reserved housewife doing all chores, making little money on the side, rearing kids, and devoted to husband. That model comes down basically to lots of investment in relationship by the wife. Oh, such stereotypes. Or maybe not understand difference between girlfriend and mother? However, FO only bother about free people in todays world, no have time for dreamers. (sorry, sounding harsh, sorry!)
Diagnosis of situation is, Op is not well prepared for living closely with some girls. Yes there are girls out there who will try to accomodate for that, so that suit his taste better. No, it not make him much better personally even though it may raise his wellbeing (temporarily.) Frigid Onanoko feel that, even though Op asserts he doing lots for the relation and she very little, his efforts basically like gold digging using just a shovel.
But gold digging require more tools and only if you use them properly, you can strike lode. It hard work but so rewarding. The only risk is that you misjudged prospects of the plot and strike only rock. That's the name of the game. When you two became a couple, you got rights to really start searching. Can you remember what made your girlfriend look like a promising plot?
Anyway, FO ranting again, way to much. In recap, (FO think that) you depending too much on her initiative. If you want love, you need to work for it yourself. Asking her time and again to open up to you, it not count. Recommending this:
1) get to talk with her and discuss what both of you expect from relationship.
2) Then decide if you can live with her wishes and she with your desires.
Seems you at stage 2 already, but are you sure you properly rounded of stage1?
Saying bye now!
I think he just wants some signs she cares about the relationship. What I garner is:
->It's important to him, but there are other things in his life.
->He's unhappy about the level of affection he's getting from her (next to nothing, it seems to me).
->She's uptight and "wooden" around him, while she's not that much so with his friends.
However, Frigid Onanoko does raise an interesting point with
>Seems you at stage 2 already, but are you sure you properly rounded of stage1?
As someone who went through almost the exact same type of relationship just a few weeks back, my guess would be that she's not being serious about it... To her, BF/GF is just a word, nothing more, and she just likes to say she has a BF, if anyone asks...
I never wanted to be with the girl I was with, every moment or anything, but the couple times I got to see her, she paid no attention to me, and I felt like a stranger, not barely a "hi", when we were around friends... Only on the phone did she open up... And somehow, I was considered clingy, by some stretch of logic, by my assuming I'd get even a simple hug...
Eventually, we broke up, as I realized that she didn't really want to have a relationship in the first place, and just got carried away in her own stretching the truth about herself, which is what I suspect is happening here, as it sounds like she doesn't want to even bother with you half the time, and doesn't show any affection...
In your case, she says it's "how she treats everyone else", but aren't you supposed to be more than "everyone else", being as you're her BF??!!
I don't think that a girl has to fall all over a guy in public, but showing some affection is a must in my book, and if that's not there, especially when I'm showing it to her, then it might as well just be two acquaintances hanging out, as much as it's "BF/GF"...
Being a BF or a GF means nothing, what matters is whether they both love each other, or not.
1) she has a veeeeeery weird way of loving.
2) she doesn't love him.
She doesn't care about you if she's being dull or not accepting, just find someone else, and if you doubt yourself, don't. They're always someone out there for someone.
Alright, I'll say this out first. People will act VERY different when they're with a large group of people or with only one other person. It's a bit funny, cause your description fits that of someone I know. At any rate, I'd advise you to talk to her about how you feel, confront her about it. It's best to lay everything out bare. Good luck!