:/ (10)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-08-01 12:17 ID:3KiIL7jw

I've debated this for a long time... I'm 26, and have felt more & more lonely, and angry & disappointed over that, over the past couple years, as I watch everyone around me being couples, holding hands, things like that... I've only had one serious relationship, earlier this year, and it ended because while I was honest & pure about caring about her, the girl lied about "loving me", and got herself carried away playing a game with the entire thing, and never meant to have a relationship (at least she treated everyone else in our circle like crap as well, so noone talks to her anymore)...

I'm about the nicest, always generally upbeat & cheery guy anyone's ever met, and I'm kind to all of my friends, I just never get a break in life... Like I've said, that one relationship is all I've ever had, and it wasn't even done properly, as she was lying to me, and never meant it from the beginning...

I think it's because of all this constantly multiplying and growing loneliness & discontent that there just seems to be this dark, twisted part of me growing more & more inside... A part of me that's so bitter by never getting anything, emotional or physical in life, that only sees Women as playing 'headgames', and believes that women deserve to be used, and that that's the only way to get any in life...

It's hard to put these feelings in words, so I apologize if this is rambling...

It's a part of me that I'm afraid of...

It wants to be a "player"... It wants to treat women like crap, as that seems to be the only 'language' they understand... It says, "If you be a nice guy, looking for a relationship, you get spit on, but if you treat them like trash, you'll get laid..."...

I don't drink or party, but this part of me wants to get trashed, do wild, crazy things, just to do them, and it wants to justify it by saying "I just don't give a fuck anymore!"

This part of me wants to use women, to just "get laid", for no reason other than getting some, by any means necessary... Hell, this part of me's contemplated calling a hooker or something, just to get some, which is sad, because the normal "me" wants a loving relationship more than anything else... This part of me says "Hey, I've got my needs, and being a nice guy never satisfied 'em"...

I normally keep this dark, angry part of myself on a tight leash, deep inside... It sometimes comes out, when I'm feeling depressed but normally, only when I'm alone... I feel like something snapped recently, though...

I guess it snapped after I recently got back from a trip with some friends for the weekend...

Name: Link:
Leave these fields empty (spam trap):
More options...
Verification: