tumbling into void but floating still (20)

1 Name: Demian : 2007-08-25 20:26 ID:TOnyRfhh

I lived abroad, on the other side of the world, China, last fall for half a year. There, I met a girl in class who impressed me, but we did not get closer much even though every now and then we would run into each other, and then banter casually for a while. Near the end of my study abroad period we had an uplifting talk and decided to meet for lunch. This day would be after our winter exams, on the day that I would return home. That made us free, no obligations, rid of all the stress from the month before, no expectations but at ease and positive. I had a wonderful time. She was so rejoiceful to listen to, the ambiance was ephemeral to me and by the end, I felt no distance between us even though we were standing apart. It was such a wondersome experience. Time was something other people bothered about, not me - not then. If I am not mistaken, and I'm sure I'm not, I sensed in her that she also was impressed by the harmonious air between us. My plane took off that same night and I knew that I had experienced something wonderful. When the plane finally landed, my heart still soared up high and would do so for a long time.

MSN is a horrible tool when you want to share your heart with another. For me its sheer impossible. After a few chats with her I soon realized that my heart was trying to sing chords that were too feeble to entrust on the slippery waves of chat, yet far too strong to neglect. In fact, the casual melody of the chat clashed painfully with the song my heart hoped to let out. If I were to be true to my heart, I had no choice but to listen to these chords and try to write them down, and I should give her the script. So I wrote. It took me a good afternoon, editing and rewriting, miraculously finding in myself some of my own intentions. Of course I also found many doubts, uncertainties and a host of complications. It became a letter in which I tried to express the magnitude of the impression of our date, (it had turned into one during that afternoon) and the positive feelings they had evoked in me. I did not talk about love, because I didn't feel secure enough to say such a thing. I had not loved a girl before, and I will not lie about such things.

2 Name: Demian : 2007-08-25 20:26 ID:TOnyRfhh

She received my letter well. We were both sad about the distance between us. Then an opportunity came for her to study abroad. To make a long story short, this summer vacation she came early, and I went on holiday there in the same city. We were going to spend some time together. Communication remained difficult however, with long periods of silence.

Indeed we did meet but the first days were awkward. We both knew that we were there for each other, that we liked each other. However, she has a future in China, I in Europe. Its so difficult! What kind of relation can spring from that? On the third day after watching a movie, we finally talked. Real talk, I mean, the kind that I love, where people are honest to each other and express intimate thoughts to each other. She initiated it, but finally we talked. After more than half a year, with me getting more and more cautious and doubtful due to our unsatisfying communication, we talked again.

Things went too fast for me. Apparently there are still some things which just need to be done by guys, not girls. I kissed her. She nearly had to spell it out in big letters, but finally I realized I needed to. So we kissed, and as I said it was too quick for me to comprehend what was going on. The next days were much more satisfying. I stayed over at her place, shared the bed and made out, which requires far more focus than I expected. We went to nice restaurants and had a couple of very romantic scenes (not with kissing, I mean pleasing to the heart.) But we both knew that it would end. We had said so to each other, it was the rational thing, what with our futures being so far apart? We would separate by the end of my holiday, and then we would have our good memories of each other.

3 Name: Demian : 2007-08-25 20:27 ID:TOnyRfhh

So yesterday I woke up at her appartment, caressing her for the last time. It turned out to be a rather long session but I had to leave. She covered her face to avoid having to see me go, and then I really left that place.

I am in love. My heart is still with that girl, I want her. I want her presence and I want to look back into her eyes. I cant describe her eyes but I am so in love with them. I want to hear her voice again and listen to her speak. I crave for the trust that we created between us and that I care so much for. I want her sweet lips and her body too. My heart finally catched up with the status of our relationship and now the rational part of my mind is trying to convince it that we have decided to end it.

But it is difficult. I don't want it, don't want to accept it and I sigh, wondering what it is I should do. This was my rant, please accept it with care for its a story very close to me.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-08-25 20:53 ID:ZI5jD2IJ

One of you move to China/Europe? If you love each other that much, you'd be willing to sacrifice your place of residence for one another. The future is only what you make of it. She doesn't have a future in China, and you in Europe, you only have the futures you both chose to make for yourselves.

5 Name: Demian : 2007-08-25 21:09 ID:TOnyRfhh

We've only been together for one short short week. We think it takes a bit longer than that to feel comfortable about radically restructuring your life. We have not even been into a fight yet, we hardly know each other still. The comment about our futures is correct, indeed our future is not set out in stone. However, a future together is very risky since we know so little about each other.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-08-25 21:21 ID:ZI5jD2IJ

>>5

You have an obvious chemistry, develop it more over MSN and online things. Just because it's ol doesn't mean it has to be impersonal. Eventually you'll find out whether or not you truly love each other. Until then, no reason to be down about it. Just let things play out as they will, be sure to keep in touch with her and if there's more to be written to your book of love it will write itself. Don't assume you're both fated to be apart though.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-08-26 03:32 ID:vVeZyAHX

I only have one word to counter your novel of a post:

"Aww."

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-08-26 09:15 ID:LgIDzHmJ

>>5
Long long ago, in a galaxy far away, people used to write love letters to each other when there was no fandangled 'telephone' or or 'airplanes' or 'internet'. And even in those times, they perservered.

If she's really right for you, your love will too.

9 Name: Demian : 2007-09-02 10:14 ID:TOnyRfhh

I do not believe in it. I want to stay in Europe, and she would in China. That sacrifice of moving to a different continent is too large to make. A letter relationship is not what I want, not after tasting her lips and getting puzzled endlessly by those silent yet speaking eyes of hers. I want it all, all that she can give me. I want to give my all, not some mere blueprint of my badly translated thoughts, apparent only on a flat screen. In fact I already have trouble filtering my own feelings from preconceived ideas about love that I got from all the books I've read. I'm afraid that our relation becomes more and more of a fiction as time progresses. Therefore, I shall repeat to her that our relation is finite, that I will end it at latest by christmas.

With a little luck though, we might meet in Paris withing a month.

10 Name: Hamtaro78 : 2007-09-02 17:57 ID:AHlaMzKR

Ok, you sir, are a fucking moron. When you find something that good in this finite life where the only certanty is death, you don't let a little something like landmass get into the way. I can understand your caution in the situation, but if you two really love each other (and you just might), you would be completly idiotic, nay, INSANE for you to give it up without a fight.

What I suggest? Keep talking via IM/E-Mail/Letter/Phone corrospandence and schedule some set time every year for one of you to visit the other. If you really love each other,you'll find a way to say together. Don't take the chickenshit way out and end it when you know it feels right.

11 Name: Demian : 2007-09-02 19:54 ID:TOnyRfhh

Ah, >>10, and allow me to reciprocate the sentiment of your opening sentence. I think no man would think very straight the first days after releasing the embrace of the girl he'd come to love. My mind is much clearer now, (although granted, it feels a lot colder) and I don't want a long distance relationship. The half year that we communicated to each other before she came to France were very disappointing for me. I hated it, seriously, I despise letters and having to guess what she is saying, and if she correctly understands my meaning. Language is a problem because, even though she is good at understanding english, her writing skills are in my opinion insufficient. At least, when I read it I can't feel confident that I understand her meaning, because it is frequently oddly worded.

Apart from the difficulties of maintaining a longdistance relation, I really wonder what it would be good for. After we are both done studying, it is indeed theoretically possible that one of us moves to the other continent. I'm not willing to make such a sacrifice. Please do try to imagine what it means to move to a completely different culture. None of the issues relevant in my country are relevant there. I will be an eternal outsider. Of course there will be plenty of people who will accept me, but I'll remain an outsider nonetheless. I'm not even talking about language problems here. I speak three languages, but learning Chinese is seriously difficult, at least if you want to get into more sophisticated conversations than you have with your butcher or busdriver. The same goes for her too.

And on what base would we make those sacrifices? We spent a mere week together! Even if we were together for half a year, that'd be really short to warrant such a large sacrifice. Those are my arguments. I sent her one letter last week saying that I do not want to lose her, that I want to meet again. For anyone getting into my situation, be very careful how you write! It can very quickly get completely over the top. I sent a second letter today, where I restated that our relation can't last, that I really enjoy being together with her but that we wont have that luxury a lot. (this is the one I talked about in >>9)

Its a really horrible letter, I feel unworthy after having written it, and while writing it. Now all I can do is holding my breath until she replies.

12 Name: Hamtaro78 : 2007-09-03 02:11 ID:AHlaMzKR

Dude, Op, i'm not saying you should give it all up right now and go for it. You have to really get to know each other before you can make such large scarifieces. That's exactly why you have to keep talking to each other. You have to find out if it really would be worth all of the effort you two would have to put throught o be together. Long distance relationships do, in all seriousness, suck. And it's just compounded in your case with the language barrier. And you're totally right on the culture part, too. But cultures can be assimilated and languages can be larned with time, that's not even what the determing factor should be here.

Here's what I suggest Op, and mind you i'm just some stranger on the internet offering advice to some other stranger in good faith. You have to really look inside yourself and make the only factor in this the girl and your relationship. Forget about the cultural differences and the diatance and all that for now. Just you, her, and your relationship. You wanna ask yourself if you think there is something genuine between you two you would like to have for the rest of your life. If the answer is yes, then you have your answer. To hell with the problems you'll have to face. You can and will overcome them. Now, if you find you don't really love her, then you should just go ahead and end it now. And that is so very much easier said than done, I know. The problem with all this right now I worry is that you just haven't really been together enough yet to know. Short of scheduling some time to travel to meet each other, the only thing you can do is keep up with your corrospondence, however akward it is. As you learn more about each other, the answer will become clear. I just don't want you to despair yourself out of something that may bring you ultimate joy, Op. It's really all a question of if you love each other or not. Your situation is not hopeless, although it is difficult.

13 Name: TS : 2007-09-06 03:35 ID:vMWtjuns

Happiness is the one thing humans seek; you have clearly found it OP. I know you've debated considerably with yourself about your qualms on this relationship, but you must work to make this happen. I've seen long distance relationships before; trust me, they are extremely difficult to maintain, due to the fact that you are not physically present with your partner.

I have two suggestions for you. The first is perhaps the two of you could compromise on a location where neither of you would be too far from your respective home locations. This would allow the two of you to meet much more easily, without completely foregoing your current residence. The second proposal is the taller order of the two, but I say go to her, if the former isn't an option.

May fortune smile upon you OP. I wish both you and she happiness.

14 Name: Demian : 2007-09-06 10:48 ID:TOnyRfhh

Thank you all, for the time you took to aid me here. I can give an update on the situation now, because yesterday I was able to contact her on msn.

>>13, there is no location between Shanghai and Amsterdam that would spread the pain of moving far from home. Any midway position is very far away from our respective homes. I have to first finish university in 1.5 years, and she is not finished either. It would take at least that period to wait before I could move to her. Such a commitment is close to marriage, and I am not that desperate - even though she is the very first girl I value so much. There has been only one week that I was with her, in a vacation setting. Its not enough time to warrant the sacrifice either of us would make.

At any rate, when I contacted her on msn, first we bantered a bit (yes, she moved to a better apartment, no, she doesn't have internet there - oh darn! - and lessons start only the 10th of september. I asked if we could phone soon, saying I think we should. She replied "Are you sure of what to say?"
So I knew I'd better have something important to say. I wasn't feeling exactly sure of myself, but I knew I had to confess myself to her. It was difficult to phrase and it took a while.
"if we meet again, then I will greet you as a good, deeply respected and greatly admired friend."
...

She was not happy with it. Protested how I could say that after we had been in a relation - albeit small. It seems she would have wanted to have a more special place in my heart. She didn't feel like talking, and the conversation ended, offline. I feel a bit guilty, but what I said to her was the statement with the most truth to it, that I could say to her. Frankly, I would not say such a thing to any person I know who is not my family. Actually I should have also included "greatly valued," or something of the sort.

At any rate, truth needed to be communicated, instead of allowing uncertain hopes to be maintained. That was my first priority. I love her nonetheless, as a great friend and I hope her anger and disappointment won't make her cast me away. If there's one thing I am unhappy about it is my shoddy way of communicating this to her.

15 Name: TS : 2007-09-06 23:20 ID:vMWtjuns

op, that's raw guts to be able to say something like that, not to mention understanding the current situation and prioritizing both yours and her education. I applaud you.

I agree with your decision, though I feel you should have told her the difficulty of being able to maintain a long distance relationship and that you value her too much to jeopardize it by trying to consummate the relationship too quickly. If both you and she truly love each other and understand this, then I believe things will be able to work out much easier once the two of you have finished your educational careers.

Again, I wish you the best op.

16 Name: Demian : 2007-09-07 12:43 ID:TOnyRfhh

I told her "if we meet again, then I will greet you as a good, deeply respected and greatly admired friend."
...what the hell was I thinking? I must've hurt her saying something so distantiated. I've been really depressed about it yesterday night, couldn't work. Now that I imagine that I upset her and that I might have destroyed something between us, now I really miss her. If only she would be with me and say "it's alright.'

Silly thoughts. Entertaining the thought of promising marriage if only she came here. I might do it if she came unanounced - oh! if only she would... Or if she would turn away from me, how I would slowly win her heart back by marvelously wrought and inspired letters. Be a hero, not instead sitting in this cloudy country behind a gloomy desk, waiting for some message from her which would be the verdict for me. Is she alone and thinking that I dumped her, in that sterile fashion of msn? At any rate, she is disappointed in me. If only I could have told her better, how important she is to me! I'm too cold! I've alienated myself from my emotions for too long, am now unable to deal them.

I wish I could write something so beautiful that it would give her hope and happiness, something I could believe in as well. Then I could give it to her, its the only gift worthy enough. But I have just my dull, unpolished mind, incapable of even placing my own feelings, less so even to write them down. And that's painful.

I'm just being emo...

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-07 14:59 ID:Heaven

Text chat isn't so sterile that you can't get the message across. "I miss you", "I want to feel your warmth", etc... it's pretty hard to construe these things as not wanting the person. And when in doubt there is always video chat, right?

Saging just because I don't feel like I'm really contributing.

18 Name: Demian : 2007-09-18 13:40 ID:TOnyRfhh

It is now over. sorry for bumping this thread which was slumbering peacefully otherwise. It is over.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-09-19 00:33 ID:Heaven

>>18
The fact that you bumped the thread without providing an update and apologized for doing so in the same post leaves me to believe you are an attention whore.

20 Name: Demian : 2007-09-19 09:53 ID:TOnyRfhh

I think you're right

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