i'm married with 2 children and the other person is married with 1 child. i'm completely unhappy with my spouse of 15 years. years and years of unhappiness. our children are the only thing that keeps us together. i had an affair 4 years ago but our marriage was on the down slide well before that. intimacy was always an issue - even before my affair, we were intimate once a month or less. after the affair, it is more like once or twice a year. like i said the kids keep us together. frankly, i don't want to be poor and split time with the kids. i live in a nice house on a cul-de-sac in a nice neighborhood. i don't want to sell the house and go back to renting at my age. also, it would disrupt the children's school - and the places each of us would end up renting would be in neighborhoods with violence and gangs and drugs - you get the picture. so i met a woman and i am in love with her. is it really that wrong to love another woman and not get divorced for the reasons stated above? the thing is, i would be depressed without this other woman...very, very depressed. i chose jaded as a name for this thread because i'm not interested in discussing "vows" or "god"...more interested in focusing on love and relationships and if you think it could work....
please be gentle this is my first-time post
There's nothing wrong in having an affair, or even a stable relationship, as long as your wife does not object to it. Maybe she has the same opinion and would prefer not to divorce, even though love has ended long ago,...
how old are your children? are you sure its for the sake of your children or are you just saving face? It was about when I was 16 when I started wishing for my parents to divorce.
I agree with >>2. I think the best thing to do would be to sit down with your wife and explain the situation. She's likely just as unhappy as you are, and would like to change things. Perhaps she'd agree to have an open relationship.
>>4 I don't know. She might be clueless and be very upset.
>>3
I was 6, beat that. They're still together, though. I'm hoping they'll go their separate ways after my youngest little brother has moved out, but their religion sort of sneers at divorce. Silly Catholics.
>>6
There is no way she isn't clued in about your marriage being fucked up, she might however be in denial. Working out a deal for not breaking up, for dating others and maintaining the common household until the kids reach a certain age is the least you can do if you're not gonna separate/divorce her. If you think your kids aren't noticing, you're seriously deluding yourself. Kids are happier if the parents are. Instability is far scarier than lacking a traditional household, which is the biggest problem for kids - they're uncertain about the future, they don't know what to expect and it scares the hell out of them. This is why promising how their futures will look like in certain fields and doing your hardest to keep it - and if you can't after some time then renegotiate it to a worthy replacement deal - should be your top priority if you really care about your kids and wife, instead of just trying to save face. I'm not into polyamorous relationships, but I've known some people who are, and reading some support pages for them on the web will benefit you greatly. Take their advice, but just adopt it for a more platonic primary relationship. Your wife can still be a very good platonic and dear partner in life for as long as it takes, as long as you're both committed to making this work. Start seeing each other as valuable and personal business partners. Set up rules and scenarios for how to incorporate secondary relationships in a healthy and nonthreatening manner in your lives.
You made a vow and don't even want to discuss it.
So much for the value of your word- But I guess that's how it is these days, nobody cares.
also, could be troll
I'm also involved with a married man that I have known for approx 18 years. We have had so many wonderful times together and seem to really have a connection. Deep down I know he will never leave his wife andI know he is not happy. They both have had prior marriages and have had children, now they have grand children. When we have discussed the situation it seems to be like a financial arrangement. The have invested in properties. I can go weeks without seeing my special friend however, it seems like we have never missed a beat. Sometimes when we're together I truly feel loved.
> There's nothing wrong in having an affair.
There is a lot wrong in having an affair. I know what angle you're coming from, but that statement really irked me.
>>1
You were in love with your wife too once. You probably both have issues. You are immoral, faithless and selfish for starters, this much I can tell from your post. I don't know what the problems with your wife are yet, but I'm sure there are plenty. You'll never have a decent relationship with anyone and your childern will turn out awful, you both need to change yourselves. Then you could be in love with eachother instead and wouldn't need affairs and shit.
Stop running from your problems,they will follow you everywhere and only get worse.
Bad idea, don't do it. Face your issues and work on fixing them.
I like how >>12 put it so bluntly.
No one ever said marrage was going to be roses and puppies, it must be maintained and nurtured.
Divorce and affairs are on the rise in North America and around the world, do you wanna just be another tally to a statistic?
>>Divorce and affairs are on the rise in North America and around the world, do you wanna just be another tally to a statistic?
Man, divorce rate in the US is over 60% or some crazy shit. All of my 6 uncles have been divorced at least twice, each.
>>1san, please don't divorce. Save your marriage. The best way to do this is to get back in love with your wife, like >>11san mentioned. Divorce is a really bad thing, everybody loses, especially the offspring... and it happens so damn much.
you have to put your happiness first. and your happiness seems to be shelter, kids, and this woman.
why not have all 3? see what your wife thinks of having an open relationship and staying married? its a win/win.
she can look for a lover too. you keep yours. you both keep the house and the kids don't have to get dragged through a divorce
...that is assuming your wife won't run to a lawyer when you want to talk about this. don't tell her about the afairs either. those will royally fuck you in a divorce.
I dunno... My parents divorced, and both of my siblings are from different fathers, and I couldn't be happier. My siblings and step-father are also happy, and the only person who seems to be unhappy with the way things worked out is my father, who was the cause of the divorce in the first place (I know, he had primary custody of me for most of my life.).
But still, they're right, you should try nurturing your relationship with your wife before you go running off to another woman. The time for doing that sort of thing was before you go married. Also, if you must, talk with your wife about extra-marital relationships... But don't just do it secretively, that hurts everyone even more and nothing good will ever come out of it.
Everyone keeps saying divorce is a bad thing, but if he definitely isn't happy with her, then I think it's more selfish of him to stay with her than it is to divorce her.
Having an affair is really low, in my opinion. Even if you say you're staying with her just for your kids, you don't sound altruistic at all. You stated many other reasons for not wanting to divorce ("i don't want to be poor and split time", "i don't want to sell the house and go back to renting at my age."), so obviously it isn't your kids keeping you together only.
It's wrong of you to keep your wife tied down to you when you aren't being faithful to her. If you don't love her, don't stay with her, because all you're doing is keeping her from finding someone who will actually love her.
If it's really the kids you're worried about, honestly, divorce won't hurt them nearly as much as staying in a house completely devoid of affection will. If they see you yearning after another woman when you should be looking at their mother it will hurt them a lot more.
Try and work things out with your wife, if you really would like to try. It'd be less disruptive to stay with her, of course, but ONLY if you really want to begin to care for her and work things out.
If you don't, don't be so selfish as to tie her down to you, and don't be so selfish as to hurt your children that way. Choose the other woman or your wife, don't be so pompous as to try and have both.
>>11
possible moved too fast?
people do make mistakes.
Does this make them selfish and foolish? Foolish at a time maybe.
seriously just discuss it. If she feels deppressed and the same as you, maybe you can get some counseling or perhaps just divorce. People make mistakes. People also learn from them.
lol, your kids are gonna resent you.
Please, please try your damndest to fix it with your wife. It is not OK to be having affairs all the time--and divorce WILL hurt your kids. My parents got divorced when I was 7, and although it was fairly friendly, and they are still nice to each other, it still hurt a lot. When your little, it's things like not getting to say goodnight to both parents at bedtime, or having a parade (large or small) of other parental figures in and out of your life as your parents date again.
The worst, though, is the quiet knowledge that if you make one your parents mad enough, they don't have to keep you anymore--they can just ship you off to the other one.
OP, you made a vow when you married this women, like it or not. Do your best to keep it, even if that means being unhappy and going to lots of counseling. Only divorce if your children would be more miserable if the two of you stayed married than otherwise.
do whats gonna make everyone happy. women arent retarded. they know when something is going on. seriously, you need to have a chat with her and let her know what problems you are going through and learn what problems she's going through. find the problems, find a solution. seriously. thats it.
Problematic... you don't want your marriage anymore, but you want to keep the lifestyle. I suggest trying to take the following approach
fine out what she thinks is the problem with the marriage.
2. If that route doesn't show progress there are several options
-stay married and have an open relationship
-divorce once the kids are out of the house
-divorce immidiately
Falling in love and having a relationship is fine IF IF IF you are open about it with your wife and you tried reconciliation. Try reconciling first, try to see what's going on with her.
well now that you have kids its not about you its about your childrens wellbeing and happiness so just stay with her.
response to #24. one thing about kids is they grow up and eventually take care of themselves. Yes, this man is obligated to provide for his children until they are adults however he is free to live his life as he sees fit as long as he takes care of this obligation. I think he is honor bound to stay married until they are in their late teens for the sake of stability. However at some point he should do as he wishes. In my opinion marriage is for love and for the sake of stability for children. If the children are grown and there is no love there is no reason to remain married.
good point
Seems like you've got some good advice posts already. I agree with previous posts... dump the other woman and work on your marriage. Hopefully you will make the right decision for yourself and your family. Good luck.
>>1
why dont you talk to your wife about that? she will punch you hard and wake you up.
>>1 well im late to the party and too tired to read the other posts, so youll excuse me if i repeat something someone else has already mentioned.
first off, probably not the best place to seek advice, even on the internet. the demographics of this board are generally just far removed from someone like yourself. but heres my opinion anyway fwiw.
have the affair. do i think you should put yourself ahead of your children? no. but i dont think you should have to suffer when you could simply be discrete about what is going on. intimate with your -wife- once or twice a year? theres no relationship there anymore. based on what you have said, i would be surprised if your wife was not already involved in an affair of her own. seeing as how you implied that you would be paying significant alimony, i am guessing she is simply very discrete about it because shes waiting for you to crack and break if off so she can collect that check.
theres nothing wrong with being in love with someone else when you are in an unhappy relationship. your relationship is being artificially held together by your children. when your children turn 18, im guessing you will finally break it off. how many more years is that? why let the woman that you love slip away in the mean time? could you get caught? sure, and it might not be pretty, but at least you will be with someone you love. holding in your feelings and toughing it out with your wife is going to be good motivation to put yourself into a noose.
>>11
This spanks of religious dogma which is something the OP specifically asked not to hear. Honestly, love comes and goes. A child can tell when their parents do not love each other. And the fact is you can't force love. Just because you loved someone once doesn't mean you can love them again. A lot of couples make half-assed attempts to patch things up 'for their kids' and no one ends up better off for it. You admitted you don't know what kind of problems his relationship has and yet you don't hesitate to judge him. Come off the high horse.
Deep down Jaded knows what he wants to do and wants other to re-affirm what's on his mind.
Honestly speaking. Stop pretending to sound like you put your children first because you haven't up until now. Im not saying it's wrong but it's not what you practice.
I'm guessing you are feeling a collection of guilt, anxiety and utter fear. The situation has escalated to a level that can no longer be ignore and this must be impacting your thought day and night. I cannot imagine how that would feel and how much burden you must have but this can't be good for you.
Personal advice: make a choice and accept the outcome. Ensure you accept the consequences of this choice.
Reasoning: you are what you are because of your past.
I genuinely wish you happiness.
mmm, if i wer you and in love with another, but had children, i would have to think about the kids but on the other hand, kids aren't gonna still b at home when they are 30-35-40 (forever, you get the picture). if i wer you, do something now, before its too late for you. your wasting valuable life in a dead marriage.
good luck
xoxxoxxxoxoxox
I'm going to ask something....
1.) What do you want?
2.) Was it your guilty of the result if you leave your wife and children?
3.) If you stay with your family,because you want to keep them, isn't it unfair to both party and all the satifaction is yours? Isn't it that selfish?
4.) If your wife is the one doing that , how would you feel?
5.) If the other woman really loves you, she knew from the very start the consequences that lead into this kind of relationship. Be ready and take responsibility, hard and painful it is. But are you willing to give up the other woman?
5.) If your wife found out about your relationship with this other woman in your life. And she ask to chose between your family and her. What will you do?
iono dude it seems like from ya description you still care how your wife ends up. i jst think you still give a crap about her nd maybe all you 2 need is something to freshen up ur life. ever been counselling?