I can't 'like' any real women. That's because whenever I even remotely ask myself 'hmm this girl seems interesting/attractive, should I...', I feel like I'm getting a hard slap in the face. As if the back of my mind tells me it won't work, I'll be rejected no matter what, I probably wouldn't like her if I got to know her better, she probably has someone already, or something along these lines. And because of this, at 20 years of age, I can count the nubmer of times I've even spoken with a girl.

Now I'm by no means gay or asexual or whatever. I do get aroused by porn, hentai, movie characters and such. If it's female in concept, I can perceive attraction. Just not if she's real, living and breathing in front of me. I can't look at a real girl and think wether she's phiscally attractive or someone with a good personality or anything that might lead into human interaction. My brain freezes and I'm forced to start thinking about something else.

You could call it fear of rejection, but it goes beyond that. Many times it's me finding small details I hate, from the way someone talks, or someone's interests. Other times it's thinking how that person is unlikely to be interested in me instead. Or sometimes even plain apathy or feelings of pointlessness.

As it appears, my brain is somehow stuck in die alone mode. And I do feel quite lonely at times. But I just can't stop this from happening. And I did try for years on end. But no matter how I try to look at somebody, she'll be dragged into the 'forget about it' section of my mind eventually. Though I'm quite ugly and uninteresting so I'll probably die alone anyway, meh. At least I don't get hopeless crushes on people so it's not half bad.