Ok, this might sound strange but... (19)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-19 22:14 ID:Hw76ONGC

I can't 'like' any real women. That's because whenever I even remotely ask myself 'hmm this girl seems interesting/attractive, should I...', I feel like I'm getting a hard slap in the face. As if the back of my mind tells me it won't work, I'll be rejected no matter what, I probably wouldn't like her if I got to know her better, she probably has someone already, or something along these lines. And because of this, at 20 years of age, I can count the nubmer of times I've even spoken with a girl.

Now I'm by no means gay or asexual or whatever. I do get aroused by porn, hentai, movie characters and such. If it's female in concept, I can perceive attraction. Just not if she's real, living and breathing in front of me. I can't look at a real girl and think wether she's phiscally attractive or someone with a good personality or anything that might lead into human interaction. My brain freezes and I'm forced to start thinking about something else.

You could call it fear of rejection, but it goes beyond that. Many times it's me finding small details I hate, from the way someone talks, or someone's interests. Other times it's thinking how that person is unlikely to be interested in me instead. Or sometimes even plain apathy or feelings of pointlessness.

As it appears, my brain is somehow stuck in die alone mode. And I do feel quite lonely at times. But I just can't stop this from happening. And I did try for years on end. But no matter how I try to look at somebody, she'll be dragged into the 'forget about it' section of my mind eventually. Though I'm quite ugly and uninteresting so I'll probably die alone anyway, meh. At least I don't get hopeless crushes on people so it's not half bad.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 01:33 ID:6HnBjK7/

You've got some kind of reflex in your head that's making you think no girl will ever want to be with you. And with that kind of attitude I don't think any of them will.

I don't know if you were traumatized or something by a past mistake with a girl, but you need to understand that people have flaws. One of my girlfriends, for example, had this gross slurping habit. I didn't like it at first but over time I was able to ignore it. You have to brush that kind of stuff off and focus on the positive.

Girls are remarkably good at knowing what you're thinking. They can just TELL when you're thinking negatively. And they're gonna mirror that and make a negative opinion about YOU. Conversely, if you seem bright and interested, she'll respond positively.

And so what if one girl doesn't work out, there's millions of others out there. Whenever I talk with a girl who's a total stranger, even if I don't get her number or never see her again, it's great practice and leaves me feeling pretty darn good.

Giving yourself an image change would also be a great start. If you're fat, lose weight. Get a clean haircut. Throw out your logo and band T-shirts and get some polos and khakis.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 02:38 ID:z1UBqjnU

>>1

I'm in the same boat, really -- though I'm a few years older than you. It seems excruciating at first, but with time, you eventually get over the whole "I'm going to die alone" thing. Best thing to do is to cultivate some hobbies, even if they're as simple as video gaming or watching anime. You'll give your mind something to do in the short term, and in the long term you'll cultivate an interest that can fill the emotional void that leaves you worrying about dying alone.

It's also important to note that a relationship with a girl isn't a panacea for your psychological ills. While I'll grant that I haven't actually been in a relationship myself, I've seen many of my friends and relatives marry and fall into the routines of family life, and it isn't all cuddles and sweet nothings. A relationship with another person is something that you really have to work at. It's difficult, it's frustrating, and there's no guarantee whatsoever that you'll have anything left to show for your efforts after five years -- a fact sadly borne out by divorce statistics.

And ultimately, you know what? The same skills that enable a person to weather the turmoils of a relationship are the same skills that one needs to succeed in a hobby: patience, resourcefulness, and a genuine interest in the task at hand. These aren't inborn talents; they're skills that you acquire through the course of working on something you enjoy.

So, what I'm getting at is that you've gotta find a way to be happy -- or at least content -- with your life. If you can't find contentment in a relationship (and that includes not being able to find a relationship at all), then change your focus.

Frankly, contemporary Western society places far too much importance on the romantic union between one man and one woman. My local newspaper ran a very apt quip in an article in today's edition: a romantic relationship, particularly one backed by a serious commitment, effectively IS a hobby. The only difference is that you're focusing your efforts and attention on another person, rather than a model kit, video game, musical instrument, sport, or what-have-you.

You may not be able to find women attractive -- I certainly never did -- but I'm sure you can find something you passionately enjoy.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 03:16 ID:ozwKc0uC

Well, I have a hobby, sort of. I masturbate six hours a day, and I passionately enjoy it. :) It's not even comparable to a fifteen-minute session.

It'll be not easy to find a woman who doesn't want to marry, because I sure as Hell don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I could spend my life with a single woman. It's the idea of marriage that I can't take. For instance, if you never get married, getting separated is way easier. Do you really want all that bureaucracy and red tape when you're already emotionally wrecked? Planning ahead and thinking of the worst case scenario is a good strategy.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 03:52 ID:02A9s9Sp

>>4

>Do you really want all that bureaucracy and red tape when you're already emotionally wrecked?

Very, very true. I'm there right now. :-(

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 07:07 ID:Q6PXZQPu

>>4
>>5

that's why you think twice before getting married, if the person is REALLY right for you, look ahead

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 11:25 ID:VvWYEavk

>if you never get married, getting separated is way easier

no, it's just as hard when you factor in things like kids and houses/possessions because theres no laws saying who can have what

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 11:41 ID:02A9s9Sp

I had no house nor kids. The real problem with divorce for me is that they make you wait until the person is living separately for 12 months before you're allowed to even file the paperwork. If that rule didn't exist I would have filed 8 months ago, as it is now I have to wait for one more month still.

I thought twice. The person did seem to be the right one, but sadly 4 years down the track that didn't appear to be the case anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that EVEN IF you think they're the right one now, they might not be the right one FOREVER.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-20 17:20 ID:U0ih+IaU

people arent supposed to be together forever.
When the woman gets middle aged the man is supposed to leave her for a teen.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-22 20:20 ID:lOXdyzBO

>>9 Wtf? Any reason WHY there? Fair enough, maybe some people aren't suppossed to be together forever, but leaving for a teen?

I hate guys that think like that. It's out of order. I mean, what if the woman left them for a teen guy, because the were getting a bit older? Guys complain that women are insecure when they shouldn't be, but what can be expected when there's that attitude around.

Fair enough, if you find that you just aren't right for each other anymore. Not everyone gets "true love" or something to last forever. But leaving just to upgrade to a newer model? Wrong.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-22 21:24 ID:z1UBqjnU

>>10
>>9 Wtf? Any reason WHY there? Fair enough, maybe some people aren't suppossed to be together forever, but leaving for a teen?

Uh, I think >>9 was being sarcastic.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-23 01:43 ID:+P/6r/nC

>>7
If you're not married, I don't see any problem with dividing the possessions when getting separated. Your things are yours, and her things are hers. You don't own anything together, the owner is always either one of you.

13 Name: : 2007-11-23 09:30 ID:02A9s9Sp

Small stuff's fine. Houses you can sort of divide but only if you sell it or one person buys the other half off the other person. Kids are somewhat harder to divide although I've heard a circular saw works wonders.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-23 11:26 ID:iv3d3UsU

>>13

Salomon style, eh? Usually parents share time with their kids, instead of sharing body parts,... ;-)

15 Name: : 2007-11-24 12:16 ID:02A9s9Sp

Yeah I've heard time also works. May be better for the kid too.

16 Name: anonym : 2007-11-24 14:17 ID:O51amvTp

>>12 not married people also own things together. My partner and I live in an apartement together even we aren't married yet (marriage is so expensive and we are just saving money) and we bought much together.

17 Name: : 2007-11-25 05:03 ID:02A9s9Sp

By "together", do you mean that you went to the shop together but only one person actually opened their wallet, or that you went to the shop together and actually split the cost 50/50?

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-26 02:13 ID:+P/6r/nC

>>16 marriage is so expensive

Why were you getting married again? Too much money in your hands?

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-26 17:42 ID:HDsMBAjP

grow up already.

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