Tonight, I crawled into bed with my boyfriend at 8:00pm. Nothing kinky, unfortunately. He was just depressed. For no reason.
Yet another beautiful evening wasted because he wanted to curl up in a ball.
Every night of every week I come home from work at about 3-4pm, he's checking things on his laptop or computer, so I do the same to "join in", then it's TV, dinner. Then laptops again. Then bed.
It's frustrating me. He does not want to do anything else. Every second night he curls up in his comfortable depression ball. He gets enough hours in his unemployed day to do it. Not on my time, damnit. It's no good for our health.
I make suggestions and think of ideas for things to do, but it gets him even more "meh" and he collapses in a pile of "Oh, it's all too hard."
"Hey, let's go for a walk. The sun doesn't set until just before 9 tonight."
"Oh, but OP... pout. I've gotta check my Urban Dead game for... 3 hours."
"...right."
I mean, I'm most likely pissing him off by nagging him to get out and do more stuff, but, goddamn... I've gotta get him moving, and get his mental health up. Depression is too comfortable and easy for him. How can I compete with that?
TRY SOME MEDS
Break up with him? It'll either motivate to get off of his ass to try and win you back, or motivate to possibly kill himself or sink deeper into a ball of depression where he doesn't even want to use his computer.
Slip some happy drugs into his drink one night and seduce him while he's too high to be depressed.
You can't help him. Please, don't even try. You're just going to get even more frustrated, and end up depressed, yourself. When a guy gets like that, the best thing you can do, for yourself and for him, is to distance yourself. When he's feeling better, he'll come and pull you back.
If you've been together for less than two years, I'd recommend suggesting to him that the two of you take a break in your relationship. Even though it will be hard on you, he won't realize how much his depression is hurting your relationship until you're not there anymore.
You could try to involve him in exercising together. I know when I'm in a bout of depression regular exercise helps no end (Also boosts sex drive) You could do something like go to martial arts classes etc etc. Also, things like eating good food rather than junk helps. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, grilled chicken, plenty of fresh veg etc
If that doesn't help I personally would have a go at him. You're out in the day working and bringing home the money while he sits around all day. You deserve more respect than that, even if its just that he does the housework or cooks dinner for you. If having a go at him doesn't help then I think it's probably time to take a break, because if he doesn't want to change then you can't make him and it's just going to hurt you more if you keep trying.
Explain him that you will not accept that things continue like this. Be very clear on that. Either he accepts to do stuff with you, or the relationship has no meaning.
You can start by suggesting things to do. He can only refuse a suggestion if he can himself suggest something to do outside of your place. If he has no ideas, he has to come along.
It's not foolproof,... but if the situation is not too bad, he will start cooperating.
Perhaps he doesn't get enough vitamins? I don't eat much fruit and vegetables due to allergy and oversensitivity, and I often feel tired/apathetic when I haven't taken vitamin supplements for a long time.
>>1 The sun doesn't set until just before 9 tonight
where do you live?
you're right. the depression IS too comfortable for him. Make it uncomfortable. break up with him is the best option so you don't get dragged down with him. Or you can stop feeding him so he's more motivated to get a job and be able to get his own food. a job would probably help him get out there and do stuff that might kick him out of the depression.
I agree with >>10 . Force him to get off of his ass, and maybe he'll stop feeling so worthless.
>>9 you must be crazy, the sun sets at 5 here
> my boyfriend
> I've gotta get him moving, and get his mental health up.
I admire your compassion, but that's not your responsibility. It's officially his doctor/therapist/counselor's job, but in reality the burden is unfortunately on him to get better. The collapse of the survival instinct is what makes depression so emotionally crippling.
If he's not on meds or some other treatment, he might need to be.
If he's on meds and they're not working, he needs them changed.
If he's on meds and they are working, then he most likely refuses to make the necessary changes in his life in order to become reasonably stable and self-reliant.
No one can force a person to change if that person does not have the base desire to change themselves.
Totally do not break up with him because I feel it's a 90% risk that it'll end up permanent.
>>6 has a good point. Excersise. Activity. DOING something. Stuff like that should really help.
why is it all the losers get GFs
Girls are attracted to that, silly.
>>17 - we aren't. Trust me on this.
But I've just been in the same kind of situation. I think you really need to have a long talk to him about all this, even if you end up yelling. Hey, it may help to get the message across.
I wouldn't advise breaking up, but you do have to think of yourself, too. I stayed with my boyfriend in the end we did break up, but because I'd been throwing so much effort into helping him and due to how much of an effect his depression had on me, I ended up depressed. And I'd been so focused on him that I hadn't even made a move to help myself. So help him and keep trying, sure, but just be a bit selfish.
You don't have to compete, he probably feels depressed because you are experiencing a full life, a job, a social life that he probably doesn't have (since you say he spends all the day at home etc.) and he's feeling inferior in some or other way.
And you come home, all happy happy, and "let's have fun" and he's feeling alone and bored, slightly numbed from the emptiness of his daily life. It's unfair, completely unfair.
If it's bugging you that much and you're just going to get angry, then break up.
But rather than that, I advise you try and find out what the matter is? I was in a similar predicament once, he was manic depressive. Now we just curl up together.
Simple activities like making cakes is nice. Find something nice.