Wedding jitters or just wrong person? (13)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-21 09:07 ID:tYqiJqI0

I have a fiance and I am not sure if I am in love him. I have no desire to see other men or any of that, this man feels right for me but deep inside something is amiss. Yet, he is so sure of me and the things he says about how I am perfect and how I will make a most wonderful wife. I make him happy and he's in love with me. I find his love suffocating and overpowering like an overly strong perfume. It is sweet but it makes me sick in a way.

Sometimes I have trouble covering up this feeling around him, and it makes me feel awful and guilty. He'll ask what is wrong and I say "nothing" like a typical woman when really I want to cry and say that something is not right with this. If I don't smile he bothers me about looking sad and I know it is because he is concerned but I just want to shout at him to just let it be. I never would though.

When he starts to ask too many questions about how I feel I try and ease his mind with sex and he usually forgets about it. During sex for me is the hardest, I derive no pleasure and I fake an orgasm just so he'll stop after he's come and not bother with trying to get me to come.

When we sleep he holds onto me like if he doesn't cling I will vanish in the night. Sometimes I feel like I want to, but I never would leave him. No matter how bad it might feel, canceling this marriage is really not an option at all. It would destroy him, and I won't do that because I do feel something for him but I don't know what it is. That is another reason why I won't leave him, I might be walking away from the right man because that is how it felt in the beginning.

He says and does all of the right things, but he doesn't make me that happy. I have never been very happy so I wonder if maybe it is just me and not him. What can I do to rid myself of these feelings? Is there anyway I can make myself fall head over heels in love with him as he loves me? I want to be as happy as him. Most of all I want this marriage to work and I don't want to take this away from him, he can't stop talking about how I'm going to be his perfect little wife.

I can't talk to anyone about this, I don't want to ruin everyone's expectations of me. Everyone wants this wedding and everyone is so excited...except me. I want to be though, I want to daydream about it and not fake my excitement when everyone asks me about it. I am scared out of my mind, I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I wish I could rewind our relationship to see what changed in me.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-21 14:28 ID:4Hi+OiJP

I think he can't make you happy, because you don't allow him to,... And the only way to allow him to make you happy is to open yourself to him.

Speak about what's really going on in your mind, your troubles, fears, confusions. He may not be able to solve them, but at least he can comfort you and share the load with you. The way you are behaving now builds a wall between both of you, where lies, misunderstandings are allowed to accumulate.

Don't fake orgasms. Just say that you were not feeling like it, speak about your emotions. I understand your misgivings about marriage: if you can't share your mind with someone so intimate to you, you are burying yourself alive.

So gather your courage and be more open to him. Since he does ask you questions, he seems to care about you, and it's a pity that you don't give him a real chance to help you.

As for the wedding angst, it's very normal, me and my wife went through the same thing. The time running up to the wedding is where many people really start to seriously think about their relationship (of course, it should have been done before, but that's life, and better late than never).

Also, a wedding implies a lot of stress and cooperative work within the couple, which can generate friction. So doubts and questionings are very common. They should not be suppressed, but used as chances to really deal with problems and deepen the relationship.

A couple goes through many difficulties with time. A problem ignored will remain a stone in your shoes, and eventually cause a much more painful sore. If dealt appropriately, it can reinforce your relationship. After all, you become more confident, when you realize that you can manage difficulties with your partner.

3 Name: Kurono : 2007-11-21 14:47 ID:V0hH5vSi

I agree with >>2. If things continue on like this everything will be a wreck. You should talk to him and get it off your chest. Not confronting won't do anything but make matters worse. I suggest telling him everything that is on your mind. If worse comes to worse, tell him you need a break to re-evaulate your relationship and yourself and see where you stand. Yor fiance seems like a really caring person and it wouldn't be fair to let this go on. Hopefully you can love him again and if you can't after trying everything you can, then sadly you might have to leave him, as much as you don't want to hurt him.

4 Name: anonym : 2007-11-21 18:14 ID:SZdu0ELV

If you feel so you should finally clear all and talk. My fiance and me just cleard some days ago an important thing and finally I can love complete as he loves me.
It's unfair of you to act the "healthy relationship".. as longer you act as more you will hurt him. Talk with him and don't be too spoilt. It's not easy to find a man who truely loves a girl so much.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-21 19:39 ID:/8X70zcW

Talk to him about your problems, so you can find the right solution together. You sound like you are going into this marriage because you want to make somebody else happy rather than yourself, and that could cause major emotional problems later on down the road (feeling trapped etc)

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-22 00:11 ID:m1+gwNRC

Please, please resolve this before you go any further with a wedding!
It's better for him if you end it now than wait until he's standing alone at the altar.

> He'll ask what is wrong and I say "nothing" like a typical woman when really I want to cry and say that something is not right with this.

Then cry.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-22 00:23 ID:jTvGu1Uu

OP how many relationships did you have until you were engaged?

8 Name: OP : 2007-11-22 04:40 ID:tYqiJqI0

Thank you for the replies everyone!

>>7, This is my first real relationship but he has had various ones and is a bit older. I have always been relationship phobic, running away from the men that I got close to or those that fell for me. This is the first man I have let get close to me and remain with.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-24 11:26 ID:mBlQi0DG

What is it you want, OP? Would you prefer a rough, irresponsible guy who has wild hair, drinks and acts like a badass? Because it sounds like you're taking a good soul for granted.

Why do women desire to be undesired? If your fiancee wasn't so head-over-heels in love with you, everything would be fine, right? It's just because he loves you so much, the commitment is scaring you. Maybe you don't have enough character to handle someone caring about you that deeply. Are you skittish?

You had better think long and hard about what kind of person you are.

Married life isn't supposed to feel like a honeymoon that lasts decades. Marriage isn't really even so much about love... romance tends to fade after a couples years at most anyway. You aren't supposed to have that 'crazy summer love' feeling last past the first few weeks. It's about compatibility. Like a roommate, except one you plan to spend the rest of your life with. That's all it is. You don't feel like 'the sparks are flying'? So what? Big fucking deal. He won't either in a couple years, and you'll be even. However, if your company together is tolerable or even enjoyable, then keep this guy.

10 Name: OP : 2007-11-24 16:29 ID:tYqiJqI0

We talked long and hard about this the past two nights. The problem was not him but me, and we are making small steps to make this better and both of us are confident that I can be happy and okay. At first he thought I had depression after telling him my feelings of all of this, but that is not the case. I have these ideals of what perfection is and our relationship was perfect for him but not for me as I was agreeing with everything he said, hiding my feelings, not having any opinion, I wanted to be like a stepford wife and it was making me crazy and giving me a trapped feeling. I certainly don't plan on becoming a lazy slag, but I know that trying to do it all is too hard for me and it isn't going to make me happy.

If I did not love him as much as I thought before, I certainly love him with all my heart now.

11 Name: 43 : 2007-11-24 22:28 ID:S4s5Xifx

Don't push yourself into loving someone. I don't think it is actually feasible. If you get married to him in this situation eventually you'll reach your own limit and it'll be the same as if you hadn't married him. Even worst if you have had children by then.

Why don't you try to shape his ways to your like; tell him the way you want to be loved, that you don't want to become diabetic due to his sweetness and that although all the attention is appreciated you can also do things by yourself.

tl;dr: Don't play roles that are imposed to you but play the roles that you like to play.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-25 03:26 ID:EJvFGGMY

you need time away from him to assess your true feelings and what will make you happy. go on holiday or something.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-11-26 09:38 ID:lTbREDlz

>>10

Good job on working things out with him, and have fun at your wedding.:)

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