Help dealing with relationship fear. (4)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-12-01 07:44 ID:Bls6ieae

I'm sure a lot of people understand what it's like to fear commitment, but that's not exactly the case with me. :/

My last relationship was for about a year and a half. He was controlling to a point where he had an issue with every friend I'd ever had. Jealous, even, of people I had previous crushes on (long before I'd met him). I lost a lot of friends, and kept the ones closest to me a secret from him. He'd pick fights with me about small things, and blame me for everything else. Numerous times he called me an idiot, a bitch, and generally made me feel useless.

Anyway, sooner or later he was getting naked photos from a close friend of his. He used them to humiliate her and put the blame on me. Saying I put him up to it and forced him to do it. That caused a lot of people to hate me I got up the guts to break up with him, and sever all ties.

I know this is long, so I'm getting to the point. <__<;

I've recently met this great guy who is willing to wait however long for me to get over this fear. He doesn't quite understand, but he tries to help me anyway. I seem to have caused a lot of frustration though and I feel extremely guilty.

I'm scared the same thing will happen. I didn't trust people, specifically men, before my previous relationship anyway. And that built up even more distrust in me. :/

I can't seem to get over this fear, and I can barely speak my feelings most of the time. When people ask certain questions I simply ignore it and them. Trying to just spit out what I want to say doesn't work, because my thoughts get all jumbled up and I don't know what to think. I don't want to just jump into something with this guy that I have a lot of feelings for, because our friendship in the past has been rocky (I've known him for a lot longer than I knew my ex.)

Am confusing even my self now. <__< Suggestions on what I should do?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-12-02 10:26 ID:WnZQQoXX

Well,...

Your case is pretty common, and solutions are well known. First of all, the kind of abusive relationship you experience happens, but not all men are like that. You did the only thing one has to do in those cases, dump the guy. A more experienced woman would have done it much earlier, and avoided most of the damage. But that's how you get experienced.

Second, you should really find a confident you trust and speak about what you posted. Since you don't trust men, pick a woman you feel confortable with (sister, friend, mother). Just spill the beans with her. At the beginning everything will be confused, but as you speak more and more about these things, the clearer they will become in your mind. You will also be able to exchange experiences with your confident(s), and put your experience into perspective (yes, it was a bad pick, but not all men are like that).

Finally, you need to start being more open about your feelings with your friend. Otherwise he will have a hard time understanding you, wich opens opportunities for misunderstandings to build up. So just relax and get used to speak about important, sensitive stuff with him, that's what a relationship is about, after all.

Good luck and go for it! Your worse enemy is your own fear, it's because of fear that you put up so long with such a bad match, and it's fear which may endanger your current relationship. Learn to dominate your fear, people can help you on that.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-12-02 16:36 ID:GytpBaPQ

>>2 is right.

and if this guy really is as good as you make him seem- you really should work hard in overcoming that fear and starting something with him.

one thing that is confusing though- you said you recently met him but then you said you've known him longer than your ex?

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-12-02 22:58 ID:Bls6ieae

>>2 Thanks for the advice. I've been trying to be more open, but it's a slow thing and is taking more time than I'd hoped. But things are getting easier, gradually.

>>3 I worded that incorrectly. I've known him for a long time, but we stopped talking for about the entire time I was with my ex. The feelings are more recent.

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