I agree with you up to here:
>> If we try to make ourselves look nice in a way that's EXPECTED BY SOCIETY, we're 'insecure about our looks.' And when we don't, we're 'slovenly whores.' Does no one else see the paradox here?
You are indulging yourself into the same trap as the mister nice guy no girlfriend vs asshole womanizer pseudo-paradox, which is surprising, considering the first part of your post.
Personally I like strong women, allways have. In the case of my wife, it was obvious from the first day we met that she was interested in me (couldn't speak to no one else that evening). She was very upfrond and earnest, which suited me fine.
Which does not mean that she became the dominant alpha female. Actually she would go nuts if she was the only one calling the shots in a couple.
I think in the end it's quite simple: the best relationships work because people behave as partners, with mutual respect. After all, we are both grown ups,...