Do you think LDRs work?

Would you get into one for an extended period of time, say 3-4 years?

I've been in one for 10 years, and we even married last year, despite still not living together,... So I would say that LDRs can work, but this requires some conditions. As far as I can see in decreasing order of importance:

• keep regular contact (we phone each other almost every day)
• trust the other person (which does not mean one can't feel jealousy, but some basic trust must be there, otherwise things go down quite quickly).
• be open to the other person: distance can easily cause misunderstandings, so if you keep too much to yourself, it will be more difficult to solve problems.
• always have something planed together (be it in a couple of weeks or months)
• eventually plan to live together (I wouldn't like to be indefenitely in a LDR, even though I have been in one for a sizeable chunk of my life, now).
• be capable of quickly starting and ending arguments: conflicts are a normal part of a relationship. If you can't argue with one another because of the distance, the relationship won't survive it. So sometimes you have to get into arguments, even in the short time you have to be together. If you can't quickly patch it, things won't go smoothly.

LDRs also have their advantages:

• you can be very autonomous
• by living in different contexts, your partner can enrich your life (you meet different people, visit different places, etc)
• you avoid the attrition of routine
• the fact that your relationship can survive despite the distance is a good testimony to its value.
• despite being shorter, the times you spend together are more memorable and often of higher quality.

Of course, LDRs have their downsides, that you will have to learn to manage:

• feelings of loneliness (like a single, you can't count on your partner to "fill" your life)
• it's more expensive than living together, and there are additional costs related to travel expenses or phone calls.

All in all, I think it's hard to predict if you will fare well or not in a LDR. The best is probably to try, and then see how it goes,...

Good luck!

Depends on the person, the distance, your age/maturity (I'm 27), and how well you know them;

I recently got out of a (messedup) relationship with someone just under 2 hours away;

She didn't ever lie to me about anything, but was veeery selective about the truths she told me... I kept finding out more & more about her life/past/friends that often disturbed and bothered me, that she hadn't told me online or on the phone...

In our case, my day was pretty much "work, come home, relax", her days however, she never much expanded upon, but I found that her life was far more drama-riddled than I was ever prepared to deal with, which she had avoided mentioning to me online/on the phone... (And that is dangerously easy to do in a long distance relationship, if the two people never get to meet each other on anything even resembling a timely basis..)

I think the biggest thing is that you'll have to spend some time with the person to understand them and see what their life is like, where they live... After being at her place a few times, I realized that my suspicions were correct, and were later confirmed...

I don't have any experience with a longer-distance relationship than that, but I would think it would be even more difficult, since you couldn't even get to know the other person in person:/

LDR, sounds like some sort of STD.

I don't know if they ever work, but I definitely wouldn't want to try it out, myself.

Personally, it just seems pointless to build an intimate relationship when you can't get intimate.

>> Personally, it just seems pointless to build an intimate relationship when you can't get intimate.

I don't see why a long distance relationship prevents you from getting intimate.

I would understand better if you meant that a long distance relationship limits the amount of sex you can enjoy. If that's the case, I would say that you are probably right, although I have noticed that sometimes people in long distance relationships can enjoy better and more frequent sex than people living together. That's the trouble with routine.

>>1
Well, I'm trying mine now. We'll see (she says) what happens.

>>2
Sounds serious. What age are you?

I really don't want to spend as much time as you, but for sure it will take a couple of years. I think.

a.

>>6

That's precisely what I meant.
As for myself, I need and enjoy routine.

>>7
Anyhow, I'll wait her. :)

>>7

I'm 30

>>2

I think you catch the main thing. I'm happy for you both.

(should it be because of me and my relation?) lol. :)

Nothing more to say.

>>1

The more we need is patience, I think. And fight the fears.

a.

assuming one party is going overseas to study, i'd feel that it'll be agonising and torturous for the party left behind.

while the one going can look forward to experiencing new culture and the whole overseas experience, its kinda unfair to the one left behind...

>>12

Nothing prevents the other one to also go abroad, even if it's not the same place.

What I think would be really unfair is to prevent the other from striving for his dreams just so that it's not "unfair" for the one staying behind,...

> Nothing prevents the other one to also go abroad,

In no way is this necessarily true: job, schooling, family, illness, the law, etc can all prevent following an SO out of town/country/continent.

If there is no reason not to follow, then a long distance relationship shouldn't be of a matter of discussion if there's nothing stopping the move.

>> If there is no reason not to follow, then a long distance relationship shouldn't be of a matter of discussion if there's nothing stopping the move.

Please read again,... it's obvious that if people could be together, there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

What I object is to consider that the one who leaves is automatically the selfish one. It can actually be very selfish to try to force someone else to stay with you, despite the fact that this will prevent him from fulfilling some of his dreams.

And it's even more grating if it's just for a limited time (and if you are in a stable relationship, a couple of years is a limited time).

i think its important to consider the reason the one who leaves is leaving.

is he/she forced? for eg. his/her family is from another country and they wanna move back.

is he/she going to study? what course of study is it? is it unavailable at home? is he/she going to a prestigious/top quality university? Or is he/she going for the sake of wanting to experience the culture and lifestyle of studying overseas?

if its the latter reason, for eg., perhaps a compromise could be made between the couple. the one who wants to go overseas might only go for a shorter term, for an exchange programme instead of spending 3-4 years overseas.

> What I object is to consider that the one who leaves is automatically the selfish one.

Well, I never implied or assumed any selfishness on part of either imaginary fictional persons that I was referring to.
I didn't even consider selfishness; It's too subjective.
If we want to discuss selfishness, it could be considered selfish to expect either partner to maintain contact, love and fidelity despite the distance.
I was just pointing out that it's similarly unfair to expect someone to uproot themselves.

>>17

You don't like the word selfish, but you still speak about fairness. That's fine for me (you tell me how fairness is more objective than selfishness), just replace the word selfish by unfair in my post, and the same thing holds.

>> I was just pointing out that it's similarly unfair to expect someone to uproot themselves.

Who spoke about uprooting someone? If the person moved, there would not be no LDR. It's precisely because one person wants to move, and the other not that there is an LDR at all.

As you see, a choice from both sides is required to have a LDR(I go, I say), and there is every chance for each side to be "unfair".

I don't think I will manage to make you understand this, but to refuse to let someone go away for a while is a very active decision, which can also be "unfair".

> You don't like the word selfish, but you still speak about fairness.
> tell me how fairness is more objective than selfishness
> I don't think I will manage to make you understand this

Seems like your trying to pick a debate where there is none.
Your reading comprehension also seems poor.
Is English not your first language?

>>19

Oh well,...

Seems like you really want to bite rather to discuss about LDRs. I'll end with the following comment: if you were really concerned about my lack of reading comprehension, you would simply formulate your ideas differently, to make them more approachable for the poor dumb person you seem to think I am.

> the poor dumb person you seem to think I am.

I don't know where you're getting this, why you keep trying to argue with me, or what side of this non-argument I'm even on.
Sorry, I'm not going to keep this up.

my girlfriend is likely to be going overseas for at least 3 years to study.

i don't want her to leave. and its killing me cos she's going just for 'the experience'. i mean you can get that in student exchange programmes and during post graduate studies! why do you have to go now?!

>>22

How would going later improve the situation?

Also,... Maybe she has more to win by doing the undergraduate studies in a foreign university/school than the postgraduate studies?

>>23

nah in fact its the reverse. your basic degree doesn't matter that much if you get a masters.

if she goes later we'll get to spend 3 more years together. that would make us solid enough to be able to endure a 1-2 year LDR.

>>24

So what does she reply to that?

>>25

she's considering. as of now she's still undecided but i get a hunch she's leaning towards leaving. doesn't help that her parents are encouraging her to go.

Hello, I noticed this is a thread about Long Distant Relationships. I am not sure if anyone comes back to this thread but I need help.
I love someone, yet I have never met them in real life. I met them online, so it goes through there. I have talked to her for more than 4 years and I cannot stop thinking about her. I cannot find any way to convince her to start a relationship online because she wants to meet me in real life and to see me first. I don't have a job nor money to go to her. I wish I did. I am hopeless.
I don't know what to do. Help Me.

>>27

man this is a tough one.

personally i don't believe in relationships that are formed purely based on online communication. i did get to know my gf online but after several msn chats we did manage to meet up in both group and one-on-one settings.

anyway dude, if you want a relationship i think you should be trying to get a job and money so as to make yourself a better man. which girl would want a poor guy over someone who's got an income...no offence...

OP here.

I've found good logical reasons on why my girlfriend should not go overseas. Absolutely honestly, the reasons are purely rational and logical - if she went overseas, she might be jeopardising her educational future and hence her whole life.

Question now is, how do I tell her what I know without coming off like a wet blanket and a selfish schmuck.

>>28

Money? is that it? I don't know if I could probably convince her without seeing her. I just want to be with her. This is hard.

I fail at LDRs, I guess it's not just for me.

I don't see how any long term (read: more than one year) LDR or any LDR that's gonna last longer than the amount of time already spent together's (for eg. going into a 3 yr LDR after a 'normal' r/s of 1 yr) gonna work. Seriously. It's gonna be pure agonizing torture with only a slim chance of success if any.