So I finally managed to find a girlfriend (I'm 19) almost three months ago, we were so fucking happy. I don't think I could have found a more perfect girl. Anyway, in the last couple of weeks things began to change. She grew distant and less and less affectionate. This really bothered me specially since she disliked me even hugging her yet allowed her friends to hug her. I confronted her about this, stupid of me, and I just came out as the jealous boyfriend. Bad move. She then explained that she is going through a phase. That she doesn't want to be physically close to me for a while. So I respected her and kept my distance while we still went out and went on as usual. but recently she confronted me about me seeming upset at her, jealous, withdrawn. Mostly because of the recent changes in the relationship. She even told me she felt uncomfortable around me. So we talked about it and she told me that she has a problem with becoming too close, emotionally, to a guy. Because she is afraid of commitment, like falling in love with me with the chance that I may leave her. She said she needed a break. To take a step back and in a few weeks we'd be back together. It's been almost one day and I'm really sad. She said that by when school starts in January things should be back to normal. I don't know what to do. She seemed pretty sad today, though I do not know why. She said she was tired. I don't know how to act around her. I feel anxious, sad and I just said three things to her today. I don't want this break to destroy this relationship. Help.
Either she is very ignorant and immature or giving excuses because she doesn't want to see you/cheating on you behind your back, as far as I see it she's not really worth it
Trust me on this one, same shit happened to me... glad I broke up with her
I'm seeing someone else after 3 months of being single and it's really great because she is exactly opposite of my ex
This kind of stuff is entirely normal, and does not mean that she's immature,... In fact she correctly identified the problem: after spending a while together, a relationship either becomes deeper, or it starts to have problems, if this is not possible, because the status quo is not satisfactory anymore.
I think your best bet is to totally change the context of your relation. Right now you are very defensive (which is normal), but that is not very pleasant, and does not encourage a come back. A better approach is to refrain from putting pressure in her, and on the contrary think about new ways of spending some good time with her (by doing other activities, etc). She must understand that she has not exhausted the interesting stuff to do with you, that you can maintain her interest. If she does not want at all to spend time with you, then just think about new ways of spending time with common friends.
I think she's afraid that she will be always stuck in the same kind of relationship, and it would be best if you show her that your relationship can evolve, and cater for new needs as they arise.
And trust me, this kind of crisis will repeat themselves each time a relationship goes to the next level (deepens), so you'd better learn how to deal with it, because it will be the same with any woman you go out with.
>>2
I doubt she's cheating on me.
>>3
Thanks. I do admit that I pressuring her but her father's sick, and she has finals and other stuff to worry about. She does want to spend time with me. Though we won't be physically close then she still wants to be with me and she admitted that she has deep feelings for me.
Things are actually going well between us. I think we just needed some space since our relationship is changing and she wants us to remain together. Thanks guys. I'll update when we get back together.
Great to hear that,... Keep the good work!
Well, tonight she broke up with me. She said that this relationship was too serious and she wasn't ready. She's 17 and I am 19. I've never had a girlfriend before. I feel like shit. I feel horrible. She said she'd date me again when she's ready but that she'd like us to date other people for now. As for me, I will probably be single for a while (read: years). She never cheated on my during this break. My chest feels funny, i can't stop crying. Call me a pussy or whatever. I'll see her tomorrow at school. I just want to sleep right now. Not get up or anything. Sleep and forget about how I feel.
Thank you guys.
If a girl tells you she needs a break it's because she is thinking of another guy or she met someone new.
Do yourself a favor, move on. It's over but it just has not stop moving yet.
Sorry dude.
whoops... looks like i was right :(
i don't like being right.
17 is too young for you anyway. She don't know what she wants yet
>>8 I feel for you also man. Sucks that she broke up with you. Might be best to forget about it for a while. Going to be hard but you can get through it. It could be possible that you two could get back together. Happened to me. First girlfriend and everything except you went out longer. But realistically, if she wants you guys to be dating other people she may have someone in mind. Hate to tell you that but its a possibility. At the same time if she's not ready, she probably won't go out with anyone and may come back to you later. Either way, don't lose hope.
It's a shame that things had to end this way but you can look back at the mistakes you made and the next relationship will be even better.
Perhaps you should've picked up on signs of her, shall we say, "instability" earlier and tried to sort them out then. Perhaps she was wildly into you at first, but lost interest for any number of reasons. Based on what you've said, it sounds like she had you under her thumb. When women have you by the balls, you're nothing but their toy, and when they get bored with their toys, they toss them.
Whenever a girl says she needs space, it means "I've lost interest and I'm going to break up with you in the near future."
>>14
It wasn't that she wanted another guy. She told me she didn't want a relationship right now. That I could date other girls if I wanted to but that she wanted to be single for a while and sort some things out. She suffers of depression and bipolar disorder. I think we rushed into things too fast. Maybe I'll go out with her again. Maybe not. I will see her everyday, I don't know how to act.
>>15
I don't want to say that they are bullshit, because I know they aren't, but seriously depression and bipolar disorder (especially the latter) are diagnosed way too easily. I mean, 17 years old. Everyone is more or less fucked up at that age, and it's quite normal given you're still in the age where you build most of your identity.
>>16
OP here, and I agree. The human race did fine for thousands of years, and now that technology and modern medicine has advanced to the point where we barely have to even wipe our own ass, everybody needs prescription happy pills to keep themselves from slicing they're wrists open. Bah.
>>17
The difference is, for thousands of years individual humans did not do fine. A man would break both his legs and that would greatly impair his ability to survive. Similarly with mental illness.
It's a misconception that anti-depressants/anti-psychotics are 'happy pills'. They are not. Ecstasy is a happy pill.
The idea that SSRIs and the like cause happiness or euphoria is a misconception promoted by drug companies (and in no small part by social cynics).
>>19
OK
OP here. I do not talk to her as much anymore. We've hung out 2 or 3 times in the last few months. But we don't talk more than just a hey what's up. The other day I called her and asked her if I could come over. I did and I was acting all strange, I was a bit high. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that I still had feelings for her. It wasn't because of what I had smoked before, I honestly still like her. And so she told me that she still liked me too. But that she didn't want a boyfriend right now. I miss her. Since she told me that I decided to not start to talk to her a lot more, or try to hang out with her more or get my hopes up. Since I don't want to come off as clingy. I don't know if I should forget about it. Or ask her on a casual date in a few weeks. :\
first of all...i'm amazed that you're still kicking after four months. I can tell you that my gf and i broke up three times and the span between breakup and makeup was an average month and a half. For you to keep this up...I can see two things: either a) you're really obsessive about this girl AND YOU NEED A LIFE, or b) there is something still in you that makes you feel this girl is "the one." For the later, you need to show her not only only you are a reliable guy, but also show that you will always protect her. Since she's BP, i think that she fears having constant arguments with you and that her illness might be a huge issue to the relationship (if it happens again). I feel that if you don't care whether she's uberly depressed and has BP...THEN SHOW IT! Most of all...be a little more assertive towards her. She is "special," but also remember that you are still fighting to win her over.
As for anyone who thinks I'm a) with my relationship...we are happy right now. We would not talk some times for days, but after that...she would cling on me like she never would, unlike the past break ups.
>>9. If a girl tells you she needs a break it's because she is thinking of another guy or she met someone new.
couldn't agree more with no. 9. girls are not as innocent as you think they are. they could appear to be nice and like you and all but at the back, they could be bitching about you. i learnt it the hard way. learn from others' mistakes, you won't be able to do it all (mistakes) yourself.
as they say, "there are plenty of fish in the sea." unless she's really worth it, and from what you had said, doesn't look like she's worth it.
>>24
Thanks. She has changed a lot in the last semester or so. I think I should spend a little time with her and see.
A little bit off-topic but... Bipolar disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder and all other "disorders" are just 20-21st century medical marketing for conditions caused by certain social premises, expectations and anxiety over them. I have the so called "ADD" and it has nothing to do with any kind of disease or disorder. The only reason I can't fully concentrate is because I am always anxious that I will forget, and as I keep thinking over the anxiety, I normally don't pay attention. So, if it has to be called a disorder it should better be called Attention Replacement Disorder.
Bottom line, if somebody could erase our memories (childhood, fears etc...) none of us would exercise any kind of psychological abnormality. So, there are no abnormalities in true sense of the word. And in case of ADD, currently used drugs are known to shrink brains of the children on therapy without removing the symptoms. Of course, modern intellectual elite (especially medical) has to have a way of getting money from the people, inventing all kind of new disorders and diseases, only so they could sell their services and medications to us. Bipolar disorder is nothing but a manifestation of anxiety, a perfectly normal human behavior caused by unpleasant memories.
In short, all people should cut the crap and stop listening to doctors, because they're humans after all. Your shrink lays you on the couch, listens to your mumbo jumbo, asking questions and not saying back anything meaningful, making you think that he/she resolved your issues by making you aware of the solutions to your problems. After they get your money they go home, fight with their spouses, divorce and take a dump over everything they told YOU should do... Why? Because they're humans. If disorders were true, no human being would be able to even be aware of them...
OP should stop getting high and talk to this girl seriously about the "issues" she thinks she have or just leave her alone because smoking is not a quality of "issue-free" person either...
OP here.
OH GOD WHY
[23:23:57] Girl: i mean the only person i feel is true is you
[23:24:02] Girl: but i messed that up
[23:24:11] Girl: and we have such a good friendship
[23:24:20] Girl: i dont want to fuck with it
[23:24:30] Girl: and i am still not ready for a relationship
>>26
I've told her about it and about our issues. And actually, I decided to stop smoking. It's gross and expensive. But yeah, I used to go to therapy for Social Anxiety until I realized it was all bullshit to get my monies.
well if you're thinking she's not cheating on you... and you truly believe that she's not ready for a relationship right now... this is what you should do.
1) if she has lots of pressures and things to worry about right now, do your best as a very good friend, and support her. I know this may be very hard for you because you still like her very much --but try your best!
2) you can still date other girls if you want. But in a girl's point of view, we think that if you truly like her, you will wait for her until she is ready and not date other girls. This shows that you don't jump into a relationship w/ whomever available, and your feelings are real. Also, what if you're in another relationship, and she's ready? What do you do? Therefore, dating other girls is not an option that I would suggest
3) if being around your ex is that hard... hang out more with your friends, and do other things to get your mind off her!
But keep this in mind, you guys have a relationship... but she's just not mentally and/or emotionally ready for a close relationship right now. You can still care for her without being physically close! Let her know you care thru e-mails, phone calls, chatting, etc. Give her a sense of security, yet give her some space (in reference w/ you being the jealous boyfriend).
Just a question... are her friends guys or girls? the people she was hugging? If girls, there is no reason why you should be jealous!
Being in a relationship, loving her, doesn't mean you own her! Perhaps you're expecting a lot from this relationship that she's not ready for? Perhaps this is the reason she wants some living space for herself...
Since you guys are in this stage... just be patient. Take a deep breathe, and just enjoy your time with her as friends. It may take awhile for her to be ready, since she may want to concentrate and do well in school and get into college. When you do end back up together, remember to give her some space too! She has her own life and her own circle of friends! Love does not mean possession! Some girls like jealous boyfriends... some don't!
Kudos for cutting the smokes. I personally don't find it attractive.
In regards to that girl. Stay away from her. Time heals, but not when she's constantly reminding you. She's selfish, fucking with your head like that. Tell her that you need time out from to move on. Or if you can't, just say that you'll stay friends, but gradually distance yourself away. Like don't start convos, keep them limited, hang out with your other friends more.
>>30
But keep this in mind, you guys have a relationship... but she's just not mentally and/or emotionally ready for a close relationship right now. You can still care for her without being physically close! Let her know you care thru e-mails, phone calls, chatting, etc. Give her a sense of security, yet give her some space (in reference w/ you being the jealous boyfriend).
Guys are not like girls. In this situation it is nearly impossible for them to be a close friend to a woman without having feelings.
>> 2) you can still date other girls if you want. But in a girl's point of view, we think that if you truly like her, you will wait for her until she is ready and not date other girls. This shows that you don't jump into a relationship w/ whomever available, and your feelings are real. Also, what if you're in another relationship, and she's ready? What do you do? Therefore, dating other girls is not an option that I would suggest
Being a fellow female, I would usually advocate this. But frankly, OP has been waiting long enough. Four months. Guys that I meet nowadays get over you in two weeks. Those would be the type of guys I would be questioning, not OP. If she can't see that you truly liked her by now, then she's definitely not worth waiting for.
Congrats on quitting smoking ^_^ (It would be a big deciding factor in a relationship, at least for me anyway.)
4 months is actually longer than I'd ever wait (Although it's usually us girls giving the "It's not you, it's me." speech). You're obviously a pretty dedicated, caring guy. From everything you've told us, I can't really see her being worth another extended wait.
>>32
>>33
Thanks. I just don't know how I can keep on waiting, she's worth waiting but the whole "we have such a great friendship" is so much bullshit and angers me. That she tells me she has feelings for me and that she thinks I am the right guy for her but then be say she doesn't want to ruin our "friendship". RAGE
-OP
fine...if you be like that...THEN CONFESS NOW! Maybe over the phone, IM, whatever. My girlfriend confessed to me over the phone, and it's working fine still. That's the only other alternative. Otherwise, it's like >>32 said...get the fuck out and find someone else.
Sidenote to >>26
I understand your thoughts on many people and their supposed "disorders". Many people fake, or quickly get diagnosed with things like Bipolar or other mental conditions, for the attention, and to excuse their generally messed up life...
However, though Bipolar disorders, Schizophrenia, and other related psychological issues are incorrectly, inappropriately and often knee-jerk-diagnosed in today's time, it nonetheless (when properly diagnosed), very real disorders, not fairy tales...
They are not just anxieties dealt with by a shrink for $$$ an hour... They are chemical imbalances in the brain chemistry, that result and cause mood swings at the least, bad tendencies in the worst, and they are diagnosed with a number of drugs such as antipsychotics like Thorazine and others, which are often as harder on the patients as dealing with their condition was (certainly not "happy pills" of any sort, and that's only if they have health coverage to afford such things to help them live a more well adjusted life...
>>34 >>That she tells me she has feelings for me and that she thinks I am the right guy for her but then be say she doesn't want to ruin our "friendship"
seems like she wants to keep her 'insurance' open by making you her 'pet'
she said she likes you but doesnt want to be you at the same time, seems like she has other 'options' and you are just a back-up
of course this is just my idea based on what i've read, but sometimes when we are a party in a relationship, we couldn't view it subjectively, we tend to use our emotion instead. just think about this and see it from a third person point of view, it might be clearer.
>>37
I thought the same thing. She only wants me as a back up. But it's strange, of all the guys she's dated. I'm the only one she still talks to and is on good terms with. I don't get it. Why me? I'm a pasty, homely, shy, awkward guy with lots of hobbies. :\ bah
>>of all the guys she's dated. I'm the only one she still talks to and is on good terms with
dont put your hope too much just based on this, its probably because you put in more efforts than the other guys but thats it.
other guys have cut their loss and you should too.
I just have to say that, after reading through these threads, eskrim, you seem to give really excellent advice!
As for you, OP - it seems like the general consensus is that you should let this girl go. Of course, you have to decide whether this is the right decision for you.
>>other guys have cut their loss and you should too.
True. I thought that she kept talking to me as if I was some, just-in-case guy, which bothered me. But I am the one holding onto her. And you're all right. It's time to move on. Thanks guys. :]
>>41
Np OP. Have a happy life.