obviously I already know whats going on and its wrong and i should get help yadda yadda yadda.
but im learning more and more about it happening to other girls. so i want to know... is it really all that uncommon?
We've been going out for a year and a half and its taken me to admit that yes, ive probably been borderline raped. i still dont even think its actual rape, actual rape is being help down and fucked. wheras i just say no, or even nothing, and he ignores me and does whatever he wants for a bit. eventually ill cry or hell cry and then hell be sorry and ill tell him not to be, its obviously also my fault because i dont shout or fight or anything and its still not rape because... yeah... no penis intercourse whatever we call it now.
I know some guys feel raped, too, by their girlfriends. so tell me, honestly, just how uncommon is it for people to ignore when their most loved person in the world rapes them and still be fine every single day. because i am and i want to know.
You're pretty screwed up. Why would you continue dating someone who "rapes" you? If you stay with him I can only imagine that either you don't REALLY mind what he does to you, or you're absolutely fucking nuts.
A) you cant blame someone for something like that when theres even the chance its your fault too
B) its not full rape anyway
C)theres this little thing called love
D) im still scared you're right
A) If it upset you in the way that rape is really upsetting to the women I know who have actually been raped, you wouldn't be in a long term relationship with this dude. It's not rape just because you have ambiguous feelings about it. It's rape if you really don't want it, and he does it against your wishes. What you describe is teen-angsty cock tease shit.
B) No, it's not "full rape", it's what they call MOLESTING.
C) Bollocks. You'd be a freaked out moron to love someone who disregarded you so much as to surprise sex you. Most of what young people call love is HORMONAL CONFUSION. You're scared and confused. That is all there is to it. And to make matters worse, you apparently have a communication issue with your boyfriend. Adult shit requires adult acting, which means honest communication. He wants to sex you, and you keep saying "maybe, no wait, no". That is dishonest, and you don't do that to someone you truly love.
D) You're scared because you know I'm right. You know he's not "raping" you. You know you're just a confused chick who doesn't know what she wants. Quit using the word "rape" when it clearly doesn't apply, for that is some serious shit to level at a dude.
Actually, I think it's a waste of time discussing whether it fits perfectly rape's definition. What really matters is that he's having sex with you even when you don't feel like it, and this is VERY bad,... It should never happen, and should never be tolerated. But of course you know that, since you say it yourself, so that's also not the issue.
The issue is why are you spending time with a person that does not respect you? Why not breaking up with him, and find someone who you can be happy with? Are you scared of being single for a while?
It's common for women who suffer from affective dependence to endure anything just so that they are not alone (beaten, raped, humiliated, etc). They must seek help and counselling, just like a depressed person should get help before things go out of hand. Because you don't seem to be able to do it on yourself, I think you should really pick up the phone and get a meeting with someone who can give you professional help.
>5
Is a pussy full of psycho babble femtard talk. You're not being raped, you're just being stupid. You enjoy the sexual tension created by these "halfway there" encounters, and you know it. It's like getting the intimacy you want without the commitments you're afraid of. You're a bad girlfriend, and your boyfriend is probably getting head from some other chick because of it. If he's not already, he soon will be.
Put out or break up with him, drop the "pity poor me" cock tease routine and grow the fuck up.
>>1
It's something quite common for girls who prefer semi-cavemen over intelligent persons.
>wheras i just say no, or even nothing
Are you really saying no? Or are you saying "teehee, no silly!". Be clear. As for saying nothing, that is a bad thing to do. If you really do feel he is violating you (rape doesn't have to be full sex) then you should get out of there.
first, what youre describing is not rape. but if its unwanted molestation we're talking about, you just need to learn to say no, or else its more your fault than his. if you cant learn to say no, you need to ask for help, and not on an internet forum.
> wheras i just say no, or even nothing
saying 'even nothing' is not close to being the equivalent 'No.'
> ill cry or hell cry and then hell be sorry
Rapists don't cry and say they're sorry.
> just how uncommon is it for people to ignore when their most loved person in the world rapes them and still be fine every single day.
'most loved' and 'rape' tend to be mutually exclusive, except in rare cases involving BDSM and hybristophilia.
I'd have to say you simply have no self-respect.
>>1
this is not rape. Don't even use the word unless you really did. Real rape is what happend to my gf.
stop being such a fucking pussy and just tell him if he does it again you'll chop his dick off
ive said no. ive said really no and its still happened.
and LIKE I SAID this isnt what i want to talk about.
i want to know is this sort of abuse really that uncommon.
were not talking about what rape IS, were talking about how often it occurs.
how often WHAT occurs? Confused stupid little girls crying about situations they claim not to desire but encourage anyway? All the fucking time, sweetheart. I'm on to you.
1 and a half and he can't even touch?
Holy crap. He might as well not be so wrong, ya know.
It would be weird if he DIDN'T touch you.
>>12
I bet it occurs pretty often, in many relationships, where one part has some problem with sexual relation or their actual partner, while the partner in turn has a high need of sexual stimulation and low self-control.
People who can't deal with sex on a regular basis should stay the fuck out of relationships, or at least find a partner who doesn't have a strong sex-drive.
I'd blame both of you equally for this bullshit if I was trying to be politically correct, but in fact I think you're the problem here not your boyfriend.
What's the deal here? What is your problem? He doesn't even fuck you, and when he does this, it's still so distressing for him that he breaks down, which shows that he was acting out of control. This in turn indicates he was acting from emotional frustration.
You're starving your boyfriend for his needs, and you want to act like he's doing something wrong?
Like someone else said, grow the fuck up. I can't blame your boyfriend, I actually feel sorry for him. When people are denied their needs, they get fucked up. Either you leave him or you give him what he needs, before he turns into something ugly. Because this is what relationships are about, tending to eachothers needs for closeness, comfort and S E X.
In a normal relationship you can't leave ANY of it out. YOU CAN'T.
>>1
I hate you with a passion you cocktease whore
>>1
You have not been raped. This happens all the time, probably. Either put out or pack up.
Oh and if you're Asian, I hear "no" means "yes," anyway. :p
I agree with >>16, but I'll try to help anyway...
Have you tried talking with him about this outside of a sexual/'rape' situation? And I mean seriously talk - about your feelings on sex, why he does it, etcetera.
I'd say that it's not necessary to have sex in a relationship; some people only want to have sex once they're married, and so on. However, that doesn't give you an excuse to NOT DISCUSS your sexual values with your boyfriend. Obviously, he wants to have sex with you because he thinks it'll be something enjoyable for the both of you. If he tries to have sex with you and you just sit there yelling no or doing nothing, without telling him why, you're being unfair. If you seriously do not want to have sex with your boyfriend for some period of time (a month, six months, until married, etc), sit him down and tell him that and your reasons. And yeah, I think then it would be appropriate to label his behaviors 'rape' if he still does it.
>>10
Legally, anything that is not an explicit "yes" is the same as a "no".
>>1
Don't you fucking dare tell anyone with a badge about this. You are scum, do you hear me? People with your warped sense of relationship and sexuality have ruined more men's lives than anything else. Quit being a self-pitying bitch and suck it up, he likes you, and you should fucking reciprocate it in the appropriate way.
>>19
Legally, it's just he-said-she-said without a witness.
Rationally, it's bullshit.
Ethically, an explicit yes could still be rape.
Practically, people should have to sign sexual consent contacts with a lawyer present.
In reality, this is a stupid argument.
>Ethically, an explicit yes could still be rape.
>Practically, people should have to sign sexual consent contacts with a lawyer present.
This is why the 19th Amendment should be repealed
Sorry OP but I agree with everybody else. Quit being a dumb whore. You want it, you're acting like a cockteasing slut, and you're getting exactly what you deserve. If you report him I hope your bitch ass really gets raped and you can see what the real thing is.
OP I'm sorry about what happened to you. If you feel like your bf has disrespected you or violated you in any way then you need to leave this faggot bitch immediately.
If you said no then he should've respected that and stopped.
Then you said you cried. He should've stopped when you cried. Please leave him now. He has no respect for you and doesn't bother to seek your consent.
I also said no. I said no, stop touching me like over 500 times repeatedly. I struggled but he was too agressive and he just kept laughing at me.
It's not really the best site to post this kind of problem since it's full of like perverts,rapists,pedos and other such scum.
We live in a pro rape society. Victims blames themselves, society blames them, the rapists blame the victims.
>>10
actually rapists do cry and apologise.
There are many rapists who try to cover themselves up or come up with pathetic excuses etc. & IMO most ppl r secretly rapists.lol
>>24
You're kinda hard, there.
Although I won't say there are none here (but again, I couldn't say that anywhere), I sincerely doubt there are "alot" of rapists here.
You'll probably have some cynical dudes who will say such horrible things, but seriously most of them won't "have the balls" (so to speak) to do anything - hopefully.
And you know, you might even have some of the less agressive guys here. You might have some very, very nice people, kind, and helpful.
And I know that being raped leaves horrible scars, but that doesn't mean you have to become bitter and say that most people are secretly rapists of such things. First, because that twisted point of view will only help ruining your confidence in other human beings - second, because, well, you might hurt people doing this.
Then again, maybe you don't care.
>>24
I had a girlfriend when I was younger that was like that. Except I actually did stop when she said no. It was strange because other nights she would be crazy and it was like a completely different person when it came to sex.
>>1 I think it is not considered rape unless he also considers it that. I mean he is not doing intentionally to hurt you or is he?
>It's not really the best site to post this kind of problem since it's full of like perverts,rapists,pedos and other such scum.
Hey, I may be perverted (mentally only), and a bit of a pedo (not under 15, though), but I am not a rapist!
did he punch you or anything? i think its scary.
I can't deal with 15 year olds. 16 and up for me, yup. Better to keep it legal (to people living in places where 16 isn't legal, HAHA to you.)
Hmm...
This is an interesting topic for me.
I am a 25 year old man, and have had my share of sexual relationships with women.
Is an explicit "yes" always necessary? I think that's impractical for obvious reasons.
One girlfriend I used to date (we were dating for a year total), would frequently initiate sexual intercourse with me despite protests, when I was too tired/drunk/meek(?) to really resist. Is this rape? If so I have been raped by my girlfriend. It's a side rarely heard from.
Another woman some time later I had what basically amounted to a one-night stand with. I initiated, kind of strongly I admit, but with no force or coercion. Afterwards she was telling me basically how awesome it was and whatnot, even days later singing the praises to me, calling me "sexy" and stuff. I call our "relationship" (that never really was) off soon after and run into her a year later, actually at the same bar that we met at the first time. This time she tells me that she "couldn't remember" what happened but she feels like "maybe" I "raped" her, when I asked about it. Her excuse of being "too drunk" doesn't hold when you consider that she is no lightweight in the booze department, had maybe three or four beers and nothing else after work, and I had drank MUCH more that night. If anybody was too drunk it was me.
I know I did not rape her. She knows I did not rape her.
There is something more complicated going on here, with sexuality and relationships and all those things.
Sometimes we are too quick to assume a woman is a victim, and the man a perpetrator, simply due to physiology.
Of course, I would never want someone to be forced/coerced into doing something uncomfortable or undesirable.
Still, her telling me that shook me up a lot. But I know I'm not that sort of a monster.
I would like to hear some input from women on this, if they really do exist here on the internets... Any two cents?
quit toying with your boyfriend's emotions. you make me sick. I hope you find out what real rape is like.
> i dont shout or fight or anything
Why not? It's your body. You have every right to shout, and even the right to fight, if it gets that far. Next time he does this, don't hold back. Shout "NO!", physically push him off. You seem the quiet sort, so just the contrast that this provides should be enough to shock him into listening to you.
What I see here is miscommunication. You two really need to sit down and just talk, since it's clear that you've got two different views on how the relationship should work out. Put emphasis on how you feel about the whole thing; if you haven't been saying "no" in a way to make him stop, he probably thinks you're just being playful and has no idea what sort of psychological impact this is having on you. If you only talk about how he should act in the future, he'll likely forget.
Just learn how to put your foot down.
A year and a half without putting out is questionable, but a year and a half without knowing how to communicate? That's scary. Fix it.
>>32
This one's right. You have a responsibility to delineate IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS what you want done with your body and when you want it done (or not done). Communication is the key. If he doesn't listen, drop him.
My university had a strange policy. If a woman had even had one drink of alcohol, didn't even have to finish the whole thing, then she was unable to provide legal consent. However, no matter how many drinks of alcohol a man had he was judged to be fully responsible and in control of his actions.
Sounds like gynofascism to me.
And anyway, back on topic: Quit trying to "help" this cock tease whore drama factory. She's psychic vampire, feeding on the sexual frustration and anguish of her boyfriend/victim. She should be dragged out into the street and gang-banged by the local high school's "special ed" class.
> gynofascism
This is my new favourite word.
Really, I wish I'd never talk to you people.
Some of you get that rapists do say sorry, some of you understand that as much as things hurt its easier just to ignore it when its done by someone you love.
The rest of you, yeah, some have good points. it ISNT fair the way guys are always seen as guilty when a woman shouts 'rape'. some girls do just say 'tehee, no silly' in some sick fantasy.
But i am not that.
The majority of you have been closed minded bastards.
And, for the record, we weren't discussing my private life or agendas or how women are all whoreish snakes. We were talking about how common you think rape in relationships is. From what I've seen here I'd reckon it's very common, 'cause it's just getting 'payback' for your loyalty or whatever the fuck else. Right.
Fuckers.
>>36
You can go back to your feminist friends and discuss "almost rape" all you want, but at the end of the day you're just a spineless coward with a pushy boyfriend.
Thanks for lowering the bar for women everywhere and validating misogyny.
Fuck you, too.
The votes are in, its a tie between slut, coward, and hypocrite. Take whatever you want from that, but I think its worth taking note of.
>My university had a strange policy. If a woman had even had one drink of alcohol, didn't even have to finish the whole thing, then she was unable to provide legal consent. However, no matter how many drinks of alcohol a man had he was judged to be fully responsible and in control of his actions.
How can a university decide what's "legal consent" and what's not? "Legal consent" is something that is defined by the law, and applies to everyone, be them university students or not.
Bah. Most sexual abuse type stuff occurs with people you already have a connection with. Not strangers hiding in boxes. It can be confusing when the perputrator attempts to camouflage abuse by saying it was an act of 'love', or that they were just messing around and that you really wanted it blabla to try and get away with it.
When it is stranger rape, you are more apt to feel frightened and intimidated like you're going to die but when it's by someone you know, it's harder and you may feel confused and have ambivalent emotions towards the person.
Sexual abuse doesn't require extreme sadistic violence like some people may think. It is said that rape is not about sex but is used as a tool for power and control...so if sex can be used as a weapon then status of trust can also be used to cover it up anyhoo.. meh bagels and muh shoos.
tl;dr: Break up with him immediately. If you refuse to do that, you deserve everything that happens to you.
I've learned from listening to Dr. Drew in the evenings that people with abuse in their past have "freeze reactions". This is why you get stories like "he raped me at a party in front of everyone", where one word from her and everyone at the party would be prying this guy off of her. If you ask the guy, he thinks she consented because she didn't object.
Unfortunately, the guy has to have some clear indication that you want to stop, AND sufficient time to actually stop. Because sometimes "no" means "not there, yet" or other such ambiguity, and he might not be paying attention.
If the guy has that clear indication that you want to stop, and he does stop but takes too long, that's not rape, but it's also not good if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
But if you can't work out a rhythm after a month or so of this, then clearly there's something dreadfully wrong. It doesn't matter which one of you isn't adapting, because the solution in either case is the same: break off the relationship. Completely. Block his phone number, don't answer the door when he knocks. If he approaches you in public, enlist the help of friends to keep him away from you. And if he stalks, then call the police.
If you do not break up with him, you're expressing consent by allowing the status quo to continue.
True, but universities have the power to censure students in various ways, like expulsion for instance. You can be thrown out of the dorm and the school long before you're vindicated in the court. Sort of like what the lacrosse players went through at whatever fucking university that was last year.
>>36
Sorry to hear you say that. But I will reiterate that ultimately you are responsible to see to it that he stops, and do everything in your power to make sure it happens. And if he goes too far, and you have done what you can to protect yourself, then he is undeniably at fault and needs to be prosecuted.
I think what a lot of people say about you here is unfair. But a lot of people here are also just trying to initiate some stupid flame war. Don't get me wrong, that has its place too (4chan's /b/) but I was expecting more intelligent stuff here.
Oh, and the chick that tried to accuse me of rape a year later wasn't saying "Tee hee, no silly." She was saying "Mmm, oh yes, you eat pussy real good." Even more reason to say she's full of shit.
Oh, and the my ex-girlfriend raping me thing would usually happen three or four hours after I tried to initiate sex and she refused, before the alcohol I stayed up drinking until midnight BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO really took effect and knocked me out. This would be about two or three in the morning on a work night.
Still, I'm not exactly sure to call it rape. At first I would refuse but then she wouldn't stop, but eventually I guess I kind of got into it? I don't know. I don't think I could have really stopped her anyway. Besides she'd probably guilt me into having it anyway.
To me, there is true rape and there is true consensual sex, but there is considerable gray area in between. Of course that's just what I think.
I could just be some evil rapist misogynist asshole womanizing bastard.
Or I could be a woman myself.
Or I might just be telling the truth. You would never know.
That's the nice thing about anonymity.
Agreed with a lot of that.
I'm shutting up now, though.
Bye~
I think this wasn't actually a female who got "raped," but rather someone doing research, either a student or a professional of some sort.
Field research on the "Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory"?
If we were to agree with anything in this bullshit thread, we first need to know more about the circumstances and the people involved.
If any of this is supposed to tell anyone that the girl is the victim and the guy is an asshole, and that there is justification for the girl to take distance and the guy to back off, we also need to know more about why this is happening.
The advice from guys like >>41 are only valid under certain circumstances, and what little we know does not certify that this case is of such a nature.
From what little we have seen, we have a frustrated guy and an emotionally awkward girl. Obviously problems will come out of such a relationship for both of them. And saying that the pain one of them causes the other is worse, and that the shortcomings of the other is more understandable, is just bullshit partiality.
Giving anything apart from very ambiguous advice and remarks at this point just suggests that the ones providing anything else have strong personal bias, and are answering with these in mind rather than the sparse information we have about the actual case.
If this is indeed some kind of research on the part of OP, this person fucking fails at scientific method, and whatever conclusions he/she might have arrived at should simply be written off.
> Giving anything apart from very ambiguous advice and remarks at this point
I don't think that's a reasonable expectation considering the nature of discussion on an pseudo-anonymous public message board.
> rather than the sparse information we have about the actual case.
It's up to the person to chose what details they want to express.
Considering we only hear one side of the issue, if anyone doesn't sympathize with >>1, that's the fault of >>1 either not communicating well enough to validate an empathetic response or just genuinely not deserving it.
We haven't heard, and will never hear, from the 'boyfriend'.
> strong personal bias,
I think that's a given in this emotional charged topic, between men and women who fear/have been raped and men who fear/have been unjustly accused of rape. (And maybe an actual rapist in there somewhere, who knows)
Rape is just an aggressive expression of unrequited love.
This topic gave me an erection.
Topics about mere semi-consented molestation never bone me up.
tl;dr u liek it but you just dont know it yet
No, she knows she likes it, but would probably never admit to anyone, as she also enjoys her "pity poor me" act too much.
I rape for fun. My next victim will be filmed and put on youtube!
Please don't forget to link us.
Sure thing. Will go to 4chan and 4-ch.
Tell me where you live and I will rape you.
>>58
Sageland