I posted this in the singles rant thread, but more specifically, I'm looking for some advice. I know it'll probably be the same old same old, but I really don't care right now.
I'm 19, never been on a date with a girl, never held hands, etc. I haven't really had any female friends either (unless it's through another one of my male friends). According to some of them though, I'm very attractive (which I still can't bring myself to attribute that to myself) and really shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone.
I'm at a big University and involved in a club (fencing) so there should be plenty of opportunities to at least meet someone. However I'm cursed with being the quiet type of person in lectures and class.
Really though I don't even think I'm that quiet. I'm just bad at starting conversations/meeting people. Particularly with girls. However, of the girls I have gotten to know somewhat, they are not one's I'd be interested in.
So pretty much I'm lonely, I can't start conversations with strangers, and I'm starting to feel like I'll never meet someone.
Well, if it helps, you're not alone in that kind of situation.
Well, if it helps, you're not alone in that kind of situation.
Well, if it helps, you're not alone in that kind of situation.
make sure you try and be yourself. Don't try to pretend to be somebody you're not.
Yeah. The thing is, I don't think I could be anyone but myself. The problem, I suppose, is that I am less of myself when meeting people. I'm more shy and reserved and gradually open up to someone the more I know them. Of course, it would seem that that would be somewhat natural.
I don't know though. With other people close to me involved in relationships (which I've just found out are rather serious), I've just felt like shit the past few days. It's not the first time either, it's just difficult though. It's a crushing psychological weight that always seems to take a while to shake off.
Of course through that I also feel more willing to "get out there." Hell, even today I noticed I was more talkative than usual. Still, right now, outside of social situations, I just feel like crap.
I'm in the same situation, only I'm female. Just started school and have no one I can really talk to, because I suck at striking up friendships with people who haven't been introduced to me by someone else. I have a habit of hiding my real self (which is quite wacky) when I first meet people, which makes me a bit boring.
I was thinking about it this afternoon, I don't think I've made a friend who wasn't introduced to me through someone else since I was 13. My only real consolation is that I fucking rock with some of the people I've recently been introduced to... not that there's any hope of romance from any of them.
Op, I'm in the same situation as you.
Glad to know there's a few people with the same predicament.
Sounds like it might be similar too (at least 11).
It's not like I'm bad with people or socially awkard, I'm just bad at striking up conversations with strangers or getting to know them on my own. I don't know what people would want to talk about. Nothing interesting comes to mind for me. If I do know what they'd want to talk about and felt comfortable with them, then there's really no problem.
Of course, for the people I have fallen in with, I'm awesome with them. Despite all of our differences and varied outlooks, we're still great together. None of them I'd date of course (in part because most of them are guys and the girls that are involved, either don't interest me or are dating one of the guys I know).
I'm not a party guy either though, so that does make things tough. I prefer drinking with a small group of people I know rather than with a bunch of strangers I don't know. Hell even if I do know them, I prefer it to be a smaller group. Far more relaxed and fun if you ask me. It's especially preferable with the whole underage thing as well.
Still I might be getting a hand from some people, so we'll see. Maybe things will be looking up. Eiter way though I'm approaching this with far more detirmination and will than I ever have before (that's not saying much though).
Carpe Diem and all that jazz.
I just know that most of the things I love wouldn't interest the majority of people I meet. The bands I listen to are obscure, I don't watch much TV, I don't enjoy sports, and I can't carry on a decent conversation about clothes unless I'm talking about tailcoats and top-hats.
And I think I've finally found someone who would be perfect for me, but our sexual preferences don't match. Which is actually okay by me at the moment, because I have so much fun with her anyway.
My biggest problem is getting intimidated by the people who look like they might have something in common with me. :/
>My biggest problem is getting intimidated by the people who look like they might have something in common with me. :/
I know that one too. Also, given I'm smart and well cultured, I'm used to leading the conversations and 'teaching' stuff to others. When I meet people on my level, I'm scared because it's an unusual situation, when people know as much as me (or sometimes more!), and I don't know well how to handle the conversation.
So I usually become very awkward (and sometimes goofy), and somehow try to avoid them a bit. Even though I like them a lot, because it's great having someone throwing back the ball at you.
Oh well.
I'm (mostly) okay with well-educated people, even though I'm relatively well-educated too. Almost all of the people I get along well with are intelligent and read a lot, even if not all of them are in college or planning to go to college. A lot of the time I don't actually talk about academic or even very serious things, but it's kind of hard for me to carry on a conversation with people who, well, aren't as well-educated as me.
I'm actually pretty good at reminding myself not to be intimidated when I actually start talking to someone. If I get the feeling we have something in common, I remind myself to be a self that reflects that common ground. I may be a huge dork sometimes, but I like to think that I'm relatively likable and fun to be around.
But, again, it's when I have to actually start a conversation with someone that I fail.
Most of you seem pretty young, and might come out of your shell eventually.
I, however, am 30. Making new friends is difficult, and I'm losing touch with my old friends. Just getting people to have dinner is like pulling teeth.
I'm well on my way to becoming >17. Even the friends I had been close with since I was 8 I lost touch with as soon as high school ended. And again in college, I instantly lost touch with all of my new friends the moment we walked across the stage.
The friends I have now I speak with, at most, once a month. I'm actually afraid to call them up to see if they want to hang out, because they'll probably be busy and I'll just be bothering them.
That same mentality carries over to meeting new people. I'll go to the bookstore thinking "Boy, I hope there's a nice girl looking through the comics by herself so I can start a conversation and take a stab at the whole socializing thing." I'll get there, and there will actually be a girl there alone (this happened just a few days ago) but I shy away because I think "Ya know, she came here to shop, not to talk to weirdos. I better not bother her."
As for the suggestion about talking to cashier girls, I could never do this. I remember being a cashier to keep the bills paid during college. I hated every second of it, and I especially despised it when people tried to make small talk with me. I'd feign a smile and reply politely so as not to get in trouble, but I was always thinking "give me your fucking money and get out of my fucking store you retarded hillbilly." I'm sure they're the same, except from the female perspective, being talked to by a guy (which can only mean he's trying to hit on her) must be doubly creepy.
AMNESIA: The twist of kings
Beyond simple small talk, I've never bothered to make conversation with store clerks. I'm there to make a purchase and they are there to facilitate that process. The relationship is strictly business.
Of course exchanging pleasantries is fine (A "Hello"s and all that) and maybe, if you're feeling daring, a few more words. But ultimately I've got no interest in trying to strike up a conversation with someone at their workplace. Especially when there's other people probably waiting to pay.
In part though, I think it could be a psychological seperation of people that I create. And the assumption that people don't want to be bothered.
I feel the same. If you want to engage in conversation with someone you're doing business with, then make it the kind of business where there are huge amounts of time otherwise doing nothing. Like the hairdresser, or a masseuse.
If I had maids it would be much easier.
>>21
Oh, I hate it when the hairdresser tries to talk to me. Every person who has ever cut my hair is a vapid idiot who asks things like "Did you see American Idol last night?" Now, I could go off on a tangent about how Ameican Idol is proof that American culture is doomed, but this is not the venue for that particular rant. But as I was saying, the hairdresser should be doing less talking and more focusing, especially when she's got the unfriendly end of a pair of scissors two inches from my eyeball.
And I've never been to a massage place, since knowing my luck I'd end up with Hans, the German immigrant whose session begins with a mud bath, and afterword he informs you "Jah, unt by zee vay, zat vaz not mud."
Hairdressers cut peoples hair day in day out for years. I think they can handle simple conversation while doing it.
Hairdressers/Barbers are great. The only problem is when you run out of things to say and they don't seem to keen on starting up new conversations. Then it's just a semi-awkward 15 minutes or so.
> especially when she's got the unfriendly end of a pair of scissors two inches from my eyeball.
Maybe don't bring up religion or politics, then.
Or your opinion on whether hair dressers should be tipped.
I'm in the same position as OP. I noticed today at the bookstore that I had everything planned out and I froze.. I couldn't do anything.. and stood there as I watched my target walk out the door.
It was mainly because I couldn't think of a reason to talk to her in fear that she might think "whoa a stranger just walked up to me and said Hi.. how weird!" and even if I did say hi, what else would I say... talk about the book that she was looking at without even knowing what it was about...
Urg, I'm such a coward >.<
That's not what she will think. She will think "a guy's talking to me, therefore he's interested in me." As for the actual reaction, that always depends on the person.
I'm pretty bad with this stuff myself. I can sit down and list the problems I have and the things I'm supposed to do in certain situations. But when it happens in reality I completely freeze up, unless the girl is someone I'm not interested in. This is what they seem to call "love shy", where you're not shy unless the person is a potential mate, and then your brain will do anything to prevent your happiness. Since there is a word for it, I know I'm not the only one.
I think this is mostly a lack of practice. If someone forced me to talk to a given number of random women, I would probably get used to it and things would turn around completely. Most people are probably the same, and I suspect that most of those "pick-up" courses work because a guy is there forcing you to do it until you're used to it, not from the tricks you learn at the same time.
>I noticed today at the bookstore that I had everything planned out and I froze.. I couldn't do anything.. and stood there as I watched my target walk out the door.
I've been noticing more and more that planning everything out doesn't work. I can't count the times when I've seen someone who looked interesting, and I immediately came up with something to say... but didn't say it, because I had to stop... plan... then try and rally the courage to say something, which I ultimately never do.
The moments where I'm most successful talking to people are when I don't think, don't plan, and just spit out the first non-creepy thing that comes into my head. Like today I was trying to find my way out of a maze-like building where I had a class, and a bunch of classmates were following me. I heard them say something like "Let's just follow her" - and I managed, without thinking, to turn around and say "Hah! Like I actually know where I'm going." And then I got to carry on a short conversation with a (relatively cute) guy. I'd call that success.
Don't get me wrong, I don't know this. But, it looks a lot easier for a girl to approach a guy than a guy approaching a girl. At least, you'll get more of a positive reaction.
Not so much when you're fugly like me. =D I just try and ignore the fact that they're a potential mate and treat them like some random interesting human being I've happened across.
Blah if I'm interested in someone I just open my mouth and talk. I used to be all shy and scared to say things. Often I would plan things out but when it came down to it, I would freeze up.
In all seriousness, talking to a girl is no big deal. Stop thinking "oh noes, what am I going to say/She's going to think I'm weird" and so on, because it's all bullshit. The worst she can do is give you the brush off and if she does, so what? One thing you can't be afraid of is being turned down because it's bound to happen one time or another. Just say fuck her and move on to the next one.
It's all small talk, really. If you can make small talk then you've got it made. You know, like talking about the weather, if you're in a bookstore, what kind of books she likes, and so on and so on. If you're bad at it, practice. Go to a grocery store and say hi to old people as you pass them. Talk about the weather with a cashier. Take a walk around your neighborhood and talk to your neighbors. You will realize that people aren't all big, scary, and unapproachable, and talking to them is no big deal.
But I almost forgot the most important thing. Before approaching women, before taking one step out of that fucking door, you need to be 110% confident in YOURSELF. Being self-conscious, doubting yourself, etc, that shit needs to go ASAP. You need to know that you're the fucking man and no one can tell you otherwise. If need be, work on yourself before you take this next step in life. By working on yourself, I mean just that, working on yourself. I went through a million kinds of haircuts and clothing styles before I was finally able to look in the mirror and say, "fuck yeah!"
I hope you take this to heart and when you're ready (and not a second sooner), go get them man.
> I think in part I may have an issue in regards to devaluing my own self worth and assume that because no one approaches me, that no one would want me approaching them.
/me relates.
It's a strange dichotomy where I desperately wish people would talk to or care about me, but cannot comprehend them ever wanting the same of me.
Then I tell myself that it's my fault for having no confidence, and that people can't hate me that much. Then I feel bad bad because I feel it's bad to sort of ask for pity by asking for some sort of confirmation from people I know that they don't hate me.
Then I feel bad because I know I'd never have the confidence to ask them that anyway.
>>31
This guy knows what's up. Listen to him.
Also, it helps not to be a fat, slobbery, disgusting bastard. Get a little moderate exercise and take a shower once a day, if you don't already. It'll help you feel mucho better about things.
Also, recognize that it's not about "getting the girl." A lot of guys fall into this trap. It's treating women like property, for one thing (although some women don't mind this sort of objectification, because it's good/flattering for her and gives her the advantage in dating) and what's more it undermines YOUR value. Sometimes it's HER that's the loser, not YOU. And since it's YOUR life, that's for YOU to decide. Remember this shit, and you will go far. You will have a girl and all the problems that come with that (lol)
>>Yup listen to 31. I'm a female,nd it's like this; if some guy I don't know comes up and starts talkng to me, whether he's fugly or really hot, it's all the same- i'm usualy happy to talk to them and don't automaicaly think they're interested in me etc. But then, if some random guy comes up and talks to me, and he seems nervous to talk to me, it' awkward or somethin like that then I think 'poor guy.. i think he's interested in me and nervous...', and if i don't think he ooks like my type, i'll make an excuse to go away from him. Of course, if it's a hot but nervous/not confdent guy, i'll ask something like 'you see pretty interesting.. wanna ohave coffee sometime?' and give him my phone number.
Try to remember we'e human! Talking to a girl is just the same as talking to another guy, except most of us don't want to discuss other hot chicks or porn. It's no big deal, there's nothing to be nervous about. When you go up and talk to a gir, YOU know tat you're interested in her and trying to make a good impression, but SHE doesn't.
ack my post is a mess!
>>18 here.
There's been some good advice here, from 31, 34, et al. What I really need to do is better myself. I'm certainly not drooling or unclean, but I'm still a fucking whale. I've tried to do something about this.
I spent over a year going to the gym three times a week. I worked so hard that there were days where it was hard to raise my hand above my waist and stand up out of chairs by the time I was done. I tried, I really truly did. I gave it everything I had. I was even watching my diet. And it didn't do me a lick of good. I didn't lose a single fucking ounce. In fact, the muscle building up underneath the mountain of blubber caused to me gain weight. But not one single milligram of lard disappeared. But I'm getting off on a rant.
So, anyway, that failure reinforced my own self-doubt. I've looked at myself in the mirror, and I know that not only am I undesirable, I'm downright revolting. And when I talk to someone, it almost feels like I'm insulting them by insinuating that there's even a 1% chance that they would want to talk to me.
But if I can't even see value in my own existance, why should I expect other people to see any? I need to keep trying to make something of myself so I can walk outside with my head held high. Then everything else will come naturally.
> I spent over a year going to the gym three times a week...the muscle building up underneath the mountain of blubber caused to me gain weight.
I hope you weren't doing benchpresses or something similar.
That definitely wont keep a person trim.
> But if I can't even see value in my own existance, why should I expect other people to see any?
Insight.
>>I need to keep trying to make something of myself so I can walk outside with my head held high. Then everything else will come naturally.
Trust me, if you can't feel good about yourself when you're overweight, you still won't feel good about yourself when you slim down. You'll just find something else to despise.
So, you're overweight, who cares. Some of the funniest people are overweight. Overweight guys can wear baggy clothes and look good in them, skinny people like myself can't do that.
I'm glad to hear that you are working out and that makes you a lot more healthier than the overweight guys that doesn't try. I respect you for that.
Finally, like >>39 said... even if you lose that weight, you'll still end up finding something else to despise. Just try to look at yourself and think of all your positive qualities.. not your negatives.. then expand on THOSE only.
OP here. I haven't really gotten anywhere with anything, but I still have another question to pose.
How would one go about striking up a conversation with someone that they see on the street (on the way to class more specifically). Or any advice pertaining to that. I'm sure it's somewhat similar, but still I'm curious. Especially because I've seen far more attractive women on the way to class rather than in class.
>>41 OP
Find something distinct about the girl you want to strike up a conversation with. Make a comment about the distinction and ask a question. Like:
you: Nice Mojave 3 t-shirt. Which is your favorite album?
her: "Puzzles of You" is my fave.
you: That's a good one, but I really like "Ask Me Tomorrow" best.
her: Should we have sex at my place or yours?
Ok, so that may not happen, but the best bet is to ask a question to get her talking.
>>37
Maybe you already tried this. But sometimes it doesn't matter how much exercise you do if you don't drink enough water. And i mean WATER, nothing else. And a lot of water. Also drinking a glass of icy water before a meal is said to make you less hungry.
I have a question, if you don't know if a girl has no interest in you..meaning she doesn't look at you or smile at you.. but you have a slight interest in her is it still alright to walk up and talk to her and ask her out?
it's a dumb question, but i'm pretty dumb at these sort of things.
Depends how you approach her I guess. I mean most of the time you'd have to have something to "click" before she says yes. Otherwise you'd tend to hear the "Sorry, I don't really know you, but we can be friends" response.
Of course she doesn't really know you. That's what dating is supposed to be for. If you knew someone completely before going out, how uninteresting would life be?
Over the weekend my friends and I met up. One of them invited a woman he had met recently on an internet dating site. She's cute, likes all of the things I like, and is just a generally fun person. Now, since she was supposed to be beginning to date him (this was their first time meeting up), I approached it with the attitude that, instead of trying to impress her and whatnot, I would just hang out and chat.
Well, by the evening's end, she was giving me these looks that screamed "Please ask me for my phone number". And when they got up to leave, she turns around me and gives me this "Are you just going to let me walk out?" look. But I believe very strongly in the principle of "bros before hos" so I didn't act on it. I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I stole a girl out from under one of my friends like that.
But it was an eye-opening experience. Apparently when you stop acting like you want to be a woman's lap dog or like you're trying to impress her - in other words, talk to her like she's just another normal human being - and she will respond in kind. What a novel concept.
Haha, yeah. I get what you're trying to say though.
On to one other question though and it's a bit of an odd one really.
At what point in a conversation or when first talking to someone do you introduce yourself? I've been wondering about this. Normally it seems to happen somewhat naturally with people I've met, but the circumstances were vastly different than meeting someone as a complete stranger.
Well after a few mins of conversation, if both of you are relaxed and enjoying the conversation, smile frantically, throw your hand and say "oh, by the way, my name's Secret Admirer! nice to meet you!" or something like that. This will usually drive people to give you their name back with your smile, and contributes to the enjoyableness of the situation. Also, it'll associate you/your name with a "smiling" moment, which is not only a good thing but probably one of the best way to have them remember you, and moreover as a cool person.
If this kind of approach is not possible, or you're not sure of where you're going, just do it the indirect way. Tell a story where you have to give your name, ie. "yesterday I was talking to my friend about putting my cat in the microwave, and he told me hey Secret Admirer, you're dumb, you can't do that, blahblahblah". Of course this is just an example of how you can put someone else calling you by your name in a conversation.
Or, more obviously, the good ol' "hey errr... what did you say was your name, again?". Then introduce you as they remind you none of you has yet introduced him/herself.
something i've been doing is going to a language exchange class. at virtually every lesson, there's a new person to teach/learn from, so in a way it's really a kind of training for meeting strangers and striking up conversations with them. yeah, sure, sometimes there's those awkward pauses and you don't know how to continue. sometimes you just come to realize you don't really mesh with the other person. hell one lesson, i thought a girl was asking me out, i wasn't interested and i turned her down, but she wasn't actually hitting on me (i misunderstood with the language barrier, etc). and you really learn how to deal with these things and realize that as the lesson ends, you move on, which is the same thing you can do in real life as well. and that's when you come to have another lesson and meet someone new and have a wonderful conversation.
i highly recommend something like that for those of you who have trouble conversing with new people. after all, i've been single for all my 28 years, so if i can do it, you can too.
Awkward pauses are my problem. Well, if I find someone of the same type they're not. But normals are another story entirely. Once they question me on sports and all the other things I'm not interested in, the conversation dies.
its a game of inches my friend! take whatever the opposition is willing to give ya! if a girl is only small talking with you, then just small talk back! i know its hard, especially when you say you are shy. I am shy too. but if a girl comes up to me and starts shootin the breeze with me, then that takes the pressure off of me having to bring the whole ice breaker type convo. so if a girl gives u an inch, take it!
Ok, I'm hearing all of the "Just talk naturally", etc stuff, but my question is this : How do you even do that? I'm often not thinking "I'm interested int his girl" when I try to talk to someone, I'm just trying to even find something to say, and trying to not be so nervous on my own feelings of inadequacy In General, whether it's a guy Or a girl I'm talking to/Wanting to walk to.
I mean, I fail hardcore at communication. Period. This is only not the case when it's a subject that I'm particularly knowledgeable regarding.
I also have the habit of digressing into ethics, which goes into politics, philosophy, and religion.
My problems should be obvious.
I tried this out and it works pretty good.
-Go to a book store and find the big yellow and black 'Dating for Dummies' book
-walk up to a girl (make sure she sees the front cover). Look at her and say "hey" then one of the cheesie pick up lines.
-ask her some feed back like 'So did it work? Are you attracted to me now?' Or something about how silly it is.
Her reaction will either be:
For me, response has been 50/50