Should I get involved with this one??!? Help! (12)

1 Name: NoStranger : 2008-01-31 10:53 ID:1qQeyjru

Ok, to make a long story short, a girl contacted me on a personals site I'd been on for awhile, and said I sounded like her type... She said she was into Anime, and gaming as well, which is cool, because that's pretty much my two main interests...

This may sound terrible, but my big concern is that it's growingly sounding like there's more important issues with her life that she needs resolved to get her on her feet independently first, in my opinion, before she should be contacting people about dating...

I'm going to try to make this short, but I'd love some advice on either how to deal with this, or how to put her off, perhaps by continuing to say I'm not ready for a relationship; (I've used that line before, I reluctantly admit)

I'm 27, she's 23, a rather plain girl (can't tell much from her small picture, though... I sent several, and she could only find one small one), and currently staying w/ her mother (father passed away earlier)...

She's with her parent mainly because she was transferred from her higher paying job to a lower one (telemarketing, as she's been working since high school), and had to give up her apartment because of the money difference;

Then she slipped a few weeks ago while packing things to take home, breaking her legs (thus she's at home right now, until the casts & whatnot are removed); She then has to deal with getting a new car, because she's no longer with the guy whose father helped her get a car; But it wasn't just dating with them... She had been married, apparently...

That's right, she admits she got married initially at 18 "to tick off her parents, as she knew it wouldn't work, then mentions that she then married a highschool flame but it didn't work out... She says they're out of her life, but hey, it's still something that concerns me...

I've dated people who were hard luck cases before, but I'm feeling like I don't know enough about her, and the thought that she's got to get her life stable & back in order before anything else is running through my head...

I wouldn't mind putting her off, if I could find a way to do so, if that'd be the best suggestion... My sister fortunately works at the same place she did work, apparently, so at least I could ask my sister what her deal is, for more information...

Opinions/Direction, anyone?!

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-01-31 13:25 ID:32Hn3laH

Well,... A good point for her is that she seems to be quite open about things, most people hide their problems, or wing them. This type of sincerity is valuable.

She seems to have been quite whacky when she was younger, but the good point about that is that she got some experience out of that, which could be useful for the future (other people repress their urges and explode at 27-30).

On the other hand she may still be quite impulsive now, but that is something that you will have to find out by meeting her.

She's quite young, so she's perfectly able to rebound in her life, even if she had problems recently.

All in all she's not perfect, but she seems also to have good points. I think it would be worth maintaining contact with her, meet her and get to know her personally, instead of only relying on hearsay.

Personally, sincerity is one of my favorite qualities, so I'm rather positive, but it's your call.

3 Name: NoStranger : 2008-01-31 13:52 ID:LvXsoKlS

OP here
Texting to my sister just now revealed that my sister is indeed familiar with this girl...

I didn't tell my sister much more than I was curious about her, and my sister said she was "Very sweet, very simple & quiet"

My sister mentioned "I thought she had a husband, though", but said she's a "nice girl, and they gave her a lot of unfair crap at the telemarketing place, but she was a top seller, so that's typical"...

She said "Maybe they split, I work with a lot that've had divorces", to which I told her how they apparently are split...

I'm going to call my sister to find out more about this girl later today, so I'll put off replying to her e-mail until late this evening, I think...

Thanks for the suggestions thus far...

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-01 00:40 ID:vTgiDN9h

I don't know about you but I probably would, she sounds like a cool girl.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-01 01:31 ID:jQYNgcTE

As long as you go along a traditional dating pattern, I don't think there would be much of a problem. I think every girl should be given a fair shot until they show too many "red flags" If she's talking about marriage on the 5th date, RED FLAG. If she starts talking about her ex-husbands often, RED FLAG. If she's calling, texting, IMing, bombarding you with attention every waking hour, RED FLAG.

If you do go and date her, set some boundaries. Tell her you've also been in fast relationships and didn't like it, so you want to take it slower this time (in a humorous way, if you can)

6 Name: NoStranger : 2008-02-01 14:39 ID:LvXsoKlS

OP Here
>>5, I think I agree;

I talked with my sister, and she had a good point, that "anyone can be made to sound bad, or sound good, depending on what you want to make of them", and I realized I was overanalyzing this girl, perhaps...

I e-mailed her back, saying how I admired her honesty, and mentioned about AIM, saying that:
Either way, at the least we've got e-mail, until you get back on your feet here soon, get a car setup, and re-aquire the job and whatnot, and then we'd be able to do the catch dinner-thing in town;

Her reply, summed up was that:

  1. "If we're dating & things are going well, mind if I join you at the anime 'con you mentioned in a couple months?
  2. Maybe one of these days, we can sit down and play some games together. That would be great. Or maybe one day, a couple of months from now, when all is well, it may also be nice to snuggle up to an anime.
  3. Well, it really sounds like we are hitting it off. Things seem to be going quite well between you and I. I don't know maybe it would be time to step this communicating up to the next level. That is all up to you. If I gave you my number, would you call? Or is it rushing it? It's entirely up to you.

Sounds great, but I don't know about the "would you call" thing... Literally, my last two relationships involved the telephone to an unhealthy point...

The first relationship was with a person I got to know and fall for on the phone who treated me completely different when we finally met...

The second, was with a girl who got surly with me if I hadn't called her every day, on time, and would do the "I always call you not the other way around" guilt-trip, even though I was calling her...

I swore to myself that never again would I be slave to a girl over the telephone, let alone the phone bills it racked up when I went over-minutes...

I don't mind calling, but I'm an "in-person" or "e-mail/AIM" type guy... I don't mind talking on the phone, just not for hours, etc...

How would be a good way to tell her that I don't want to go down the check-in-with-me-every-day & tell me "so how was your day" route?

I'm sure she'd just like to hear what I sound like, since she's stuck at home in the broken-leg situation, but I'm leery after past relationships of setting a precedent...

I may be a "nice guy", which means I'm not going around seeing other girls (not that since we haven't even met yet on a date, I'm not keeping my options always open), but I'm not the kind of guy who'll ever want to start a "I'm just checking in before I go out for the evening" standard...

Suggestions/Advice, on anything I've mentioned, folks?! Thanks, all!

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-01 17:32 ID:32Hn3laH

>>6

Well,... Aside from answering favorably to points 1. and 2. in case you are inclined to, I think you have to accept that phone calls are pretty much an unavoidable step in a relationship that starts in this way. It would probably be a very bad idea to flatly reject phone calls, unless you are not interested in her.

On the other hand, you are totally entitled to voice your opinion on how the phone communication should be handled. And she even seems ready to listen to your needs.

So you have to think about what would be comfortable: call once a day, or once every three days? Mostly do text messaging, and save long phone calls for when you really have time and inclination for it (like once a week). Only make a phone call after you agreed on a time (a bit like a date), etc. It's your call. Just pay attention not to sound too arrogant when you voice your preferences, you are simply trying to improving the experience.

I would also mention your (bad) past experiences with phones and relationships, to show what you want to avoid, but do tell her that you look forward to speak with her, otherwise she might be intimidated. She has been pretty open with you, so why don't you return the favor?

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-02 15:05 ID:WSVIN/g4

The problem that you listed of a girl becoming interested in you over the phone but not when you meet up can happen with internet conversations as well. I would say you need to make some kind of phone communication to take this to the next level, otherwise she may get bored with you. I agree with >>7 in that you should explain to her why you don't want to rely so much on the telephone. Try to limit yourself to say 30minutes at a time, that'll keep her wanting to come back for more. Also, how long is she in her casts for?

9 Name: NoStranger : 2008-02-02 15:31 ID:4tkqhfj4

OP Here;

Good point, I do agree, talking to her is the next level, and I don't want her bored with me... She's in casts for about 2-2 1/2 more weeks... I think I'll drop her a reply & surprise her by giving her my #... That's a good way of saying "I'm not a phone person, but I have no problems giving you my number, I think...)

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-03 14:39 ID:WSVIN/g4

>>9

Yeah that sounds alright to me. She might be nervous about being the first one to call though, so chances are she's going to give you her number as well and it will be a kind of stalemate situation. If she does call, then return the favour. Luckily she isn't in the casts for much longer, so you can get to chat on the phone a few times and then actually meet up in person.

11 Name: NoStranger : 2008-02-04 10:36 ID:wnH5YbpK

OP Here

I did indeed say that to her, and basically admitted it's not that I don't like being on the phone, it's just that I suck at long-phone conversations, to which she replied that that's ok anyway, and understandable, and besides, she can't seem to find her cell phone charger, but when she does find it, she'll start by texting me;

At this point, we're planning to go on our first date as soon as she's on her feet regularly again, and we're pretty much assuming we're going to hit it off IRL as well as we have online!

Thanks thus far for all the words of encouragement and advice you've given me, folks! I've turned to this board in the past, and gotten some of the best advice I've ever heard here, so thanks again! Please feel free to offer more comments/advice, and I'll keep y'all posted on how things continue to work...

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-04 10:41 ID:jufkFYqW

>first date as soon as she's on her feet regularly again,

"As soon as I'm back on my feet again"

sorry, I lol'd a lil at the idea of her saying that considering the situation.

Anyway, best of luck OP!

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