Love Letter help plz... (20)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 12:31 ID:+qnr5cR4

well i suck at english and i wanted the letter to be perfect so help out with grammar and some comment plz.

Dear [Her Name],

I once swore that I would live the rest of my life as a free man because I have felt the pain of heartbreak before and I never want to relive that experience again and yet my will is no match for your charms. Your elegance, wit, beauty have smitten me and saved me from the pit of cynicism.

You are always precious to me as a friend and I don’t really remember when I started to want you as something more. All I know is now a week without seeing you feels like an eternity to me and the thought of you leaving torn me up inside. Though I still have many doubts about starting a relationship but I believe that one must face his fear and take chances when presented with an opportunity for something wonderful to happen. So by your permission I would like the chance to get to know you better, take you out on a date, take a step further then friendship and see where fate leads us.

Your Secret Admirer,

 [My Name]

2 Name: da PG king : 2008-02-19 14:04 ID:wscjhhaE

OK Mr. Romeo, now go get your juliet.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 14:08 ID:YzSZt9bC

I think you are complaining too much about your past relationships, and of your doubts and fears. All those issues are for you to deal with, not her. She could read it like this "A nasty girl hurt me in the past, and I hope you won't be a bitch with me". You sound insecure, vindicative, and put her under pressure, instead of taking responsibility for your past choices and experiences.

You should sound much more confident and optimistic,... You have decided to write the letter, and that is something positive. Keep your doubts for yourself, don't force them on her.

So I would suggest something like this:

"Once I lost faith in love, and have since lived as a free man, untroubled by such emotions. And yet your charm has broken the slumber of my heart, and it burns with a wild fire. Your elegance, wit and beauty have smitten me and rescued me from the pits of cynicism.

You were always precious to me as a friend and I don’t really remember when I started to see you as something more than a friend. All I know now is that a week without seeing you feels like an eternity to me, and the thought of you leaving me tears me up inside. Though it takes a bit of courage to start a relationship and open one's heart, I believe that one must take chances when presented with an opportunity for something wonderful to happen. So by your permission I would like the chance to get to know you better, take you out on a date, take a step further than friendship and see where fate leads us."

Good luck!

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 14:13 ID:ZNL2XkHg

>>3
This is quite good, in my opinion.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 14:22 ID:yGoWR+1a

>>1

"Great news bitch, I fucking love you. Let's make babies!

your name"

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 14:40 ID:+qnr5cR4

>>3

thnks 4 ur comment you're right and i'll change it later though i won't use your exact wording because then the letter won't be from me anymore. actually what i originally wanted was more of a paragraphing, punctuation mark, spelling and that sort of help

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 15:24 ID:YzSZt9bC

>>6

Sure, reformulate until the text belongs to you. As for spelling and punctuation, I did not correct many things for the same reason. If your text is too perfect, it won't be yours anymore. And if you write more letters, I guess you will not always use the internet as your helpdesk?

Come back when you have the definitive text, and we may avoid a major disaster, but I don't think it's useful to correct every single paragraphing, punctuation and spelling mistake you do,...

8 Name: Daydreamer : 2008-02-19 15:49 ID:XQxI/oY1

>>6
Perhaps I could be of help. I'm not very experienced where love is concerned, but I happen to be an expert Grammar Nazi. :P

I have one remark about the formatting of your original letter. It seems to me that your sentences are rather long and run-on, without any punctuation marks to break the stream of words into smaller, more easily understandable phrases. Take this phrase, for example:

>I once swore that I would live the rest of my life as a free man because I have felt the pain of heartbreak before and I never want to relive that experience again and yet my will is no match for your charms.

I really think a comma or two, or maybe even a full stop, would make this sentence a lot more pleasant to read. Like this:

>I once swore that I would live the rest of my life as a free man, because I have felt the pain of heartbreak before and I never want to relive that experience again. And yet, my will is no match for your charms.

In my own humble opinion, this looks a lot more calm. :)
Even if you're not going to use this sentence any more, you might want to look for similar problems in your final letter.

And then there are some errors that >>3 already fixed, notably

>the thought of you leaving torn me up inside

which should be

>the thought of you leaving me tears me up inside.

Other than those minor remarks, I think it's a great letter.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-19 16:52 ID:Heaven

> Your Secret Admirer,
> [My Name]

Not so secret anymore, is it?

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-20 02:54 ID:bt6lap6M

Ok revised

Dear A,

Do you remember when I said “Freedom or Death!”? Sure it was merely a jest, but at that time I really did feel like single life is too precious to give up. I thought romance is more trouble then it’s worth. But you have changed me, your elegance, wit, beauty have smitten me and opened my eyes to another side of love.

You are always precious to me as a friend and I don’t really remember when I started to see you as something more than a friend. All I know now is that a week without seeing you feel like an eternity to me, and the thought of not having you around tears me up inside.

Though I can’t promise endless days of rainbows and flowers, I believe one must take chances when presented with an opportunity for something so wonderful. So by your permission I would like the chance to get to know you better, take you out on a date, take a step further then friendship and see where fate leads us.

Your Secret Admirer

um a couple stuff i need help with

any fancy alternative for single life? i consider bachelorhood but it's not exactly the same meaning

is it allright to use love or is it too strong? (last sentence of first paragraph)

how stupid is the secret admirer thing? i'm gonna give her the letter in person so she'll know its from me. its just that she once said how nice would it be is she have a secret admirer confessing on white day (which i took as a hint, but i might be wrong coz i'm kinda thick)

11 Name: Daydreamer : 2008-02-20 10:01 ID:XQxI/oY1

>>10

>All I know now is that a week without seeing you feel like an eternity to me

"feel" should be "feels".

>any fancy alternative for single life? i consider bachelorhood but it's not exactly the same meaning

Maybe "solitude"? "Romantic solitude"?

>how stupid is the secret admirer thing? i'm gonna give her the letter in person so she'll know its from me. its just that she once said how nice would it be is she have a secret admirer confessing on white day (which i took as a hint, but i might be wrong coz i'm kinda thick)

I think it's cute, even if it wasn't supposed to be a hint.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-20 12:50 ID:YzSZt9bC

But you have changed me, your elegance, wit and beauty have smitten me AND opened my eyes to another side of love.

All I know now is that a week without seeing you feelS like an eternity to me, and the thought of not having you around tears me up inside.

Though I can’t promise endless days of rainbows and flowers, I believe one must take chances when presented with an opportunity TO LIVE something wonderful.

So by your permission I would like TO TAKE the chance to get to know you better, ASK you out on a date, take a step further THAN friendship and see where fate leads us.

>any fancy alternative for single life? i consider bachelorhood but it's not exactly the same meaning

you could replace "single life" with "living on your own", "unattached life", "celibate life", "companionless life". But single life seems actually pretty good.

>is it allright to use love or is it too strong? (last sentence of first paragraph)

Love is fine. You are writing a love letter, after all. And it does not mean you want to marry her.

>how stupid is the secret admirer thing?

I also think it's fine and appropriate

13 Name: Daydreamer : 2008-02-20 19:33 ID:XQxI/oY1

>>12

>I believe one must take chances when presented with an opportunity TO LIVE something wonderful.

"To live something wonderful"? I don't think "to live" is a transitive verb. I don't think you can live something. I think "to experience" is a more grammatically correct alternative to what you probably mean.

>take a step further THAN friendship and see where fate leads us.

Aren't "further then" and "further than" both fine?

>you could replace "single life" with "living on your own", "unattached life", "celibate life", "companionless life". But single life seems actually pretty good.

Now that you mention it, just "celibate" should work too, although it has some connotations of complete abstinence for religious reasons.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-21 09:40 ID:Heaven

well thanks for the help everyone i already wrote the letter and probably gonna give it to her soon.

thread over

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-21 11:38 ID:Heaven

Report back later with the reaction. We love the drama. We feed on the drama.

16 Name: Daydreamer : 2008-02-21 11:46 ID:XQxI/oY1

Good luck.

17 Name: GDMFSOB : 2008-02-22 03:48 ID:OHPNBv4+

>>15
maybe YOU do.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-22 03:49 ID:q+anjG6M

yeah, report back here. we need drama, it's our fuel

good luck

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-22 13:31 ID:Heaven

>>17
Personally my main feed is other people's misery.

20 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-02-23 04:06 ID:dbrX2HYQ

If OP hasn't delivered it yet, he shouldn't. That letter needs a major overhaul. The girl will look at it and be like "Lol What?!?!" if she isn't a theater major or something.

That is to say, it isn't the grammar that's the issue, it's the lack of social consciousness.

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