Why do people fear the friend zone? [Opinion] (25)

1 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-02-27 04:04 ID:f6oKbkea

Alright, guys and girls, I need an explanation for this fear of being "in the friend zone". While I can understand the excitement of dating and the feeling that one may be left behind if not initially perceived as an object of attraction, I don't see why there's this pervasive belief of "Once a friend, always a friend." We've already seen threads on this board that indicate people develop feelings for friends who they have had for a long time.

More than this, though, my concern is with the idea of experiential-friendship, as I'll call it. The basic idea is that the individual meets someone and slowly befriends them on a casual basis. As they speak, hang out, etc., they start to understand each other and determine if they are truly attracted to the other or not. I imagine that some of you think of dating as exactly this formula, but I don't see many people representing this idea in the threads that I have read here.

I see this as beneficial compared to dating for a few reasons. Firstly, since I define dating as informal-formal meetings between people who are searching for a romantic relationship, dating seems ripe for emotional rush and anxiety to be followed closely by a either a relationship the two have stumbled into that is full of similar issues or for a disconnection preceded by "Oh, hey, we're not really that compatible. It was nice meeting you, though."

This is in opposition to the experiential-friendship relationship in which both individuals would be more concerned with how they are relating to each other and simply learning about one another. Attraction may or may not be evident during this time, and may or may not develop into dating.

If it does not develop into dating, the two acquaintances may come to a point where they feel comfortable with their perceptions of the other person, and may then ask them out on dates, during which times more personal information will be shared and interest in the other person (based on and explained in relation to what has been observed of the other person) will be expressed.

If it does develop into dating, then much of the anxiety and initial stress of the situations of dating, including ice breakers, etc, will be significantly reduced, if present at all.

If the experiential-friendship does Not develop into mutual feelings of interest in the romantic sense, then the individuals do not merely part with "It was nice meeting you" or "I don't think this is going to work out", but can easily remain friends and will have a resulting wider circle (I'm making the assumption here that those in experiential-friendship relationships will meet with friend groups and engage in group functions). Not only that, but if the individuals discover over this time that they are significantly different, one can fade out of the newly acquired group (or parts of the group while retaining other new friends!) without hard feelings or guilt trips.

So, really, where's the downside?

Also, do people who decide to stop dating ever become friends? Is this only possible after a certain number of dates?

Please, do share your experiences.

2 Name: da PG king : 2008-02-27 13:53 ID:TIXpZ9IN

Cause it means no bang-bang

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-27 22:03 ID:P6fINJiy

>>2 Wrong, even worse...you get to see your "friend" getting banged by an asshole.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-27 23:04 ID:LLw9ypCJ

>>3 and possibly even getting married to said asshole.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-27 23:44 ID:tkRKRy10

>>2 >>3 >>4 are all correct!

6 Name: da PG king : 2008-02-28 00:47 ID:TIXpZ9IN

But, most importantly, no bang-bang

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 02:14 ID:ig8Wql58

Personal issues, thats it.

8 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-02-28 02:55 ID:f6oKbkea

I would think that if it appears that the person you're interested in is going to date an asshole long term or make some other completely retarded decision that they would value your input. I'd also see it as an opportunity to suggest that the two of you go out, instead. (She/he may not always be really wanting/excited to go out on the date anyway.)

Furthermore, if they date an asshole long-term anyway, perhaps it reveals something about them that says you don't really want to be with them after all.

Also, your replies don't really seem related to the experiential-friendship concept I was putting forward.

Could someone give an example of their dating experience that went went and ended up in a good relationship? Am I just not understanding how modern dating works? Are my thoughts all just stereotypical/geek/shut-in/socially awkward person views of dating?

9 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-02-28 02:58 ID:f6oKbkea

10 Name: da PG king : 2008-02-28 02:58 ID:TIXpZ9IN

Basically a relationship ends in flames if its romantic. But I know this mexican chick Tania, that will still come over to my house to fuck, and cook, but we ended an official relationship a while back. Really, there is no true "standard" for dating. It is what it is.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 04:22 ID:Heaven

>>8
Speaking from a female prospective, many girls don't believe in the 'friend zone' anyway. It seems like a male-created and male-enforced idea, rather than a true reality.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 05:40 ID:akrlb8eq

>>11

You might want to narrow that to anon-created and anon-enforced. Granted, no male friends of mine really talk much about relationships, but I've only ever seen the friend zone in MS Paint relationship threads and such *chan things.

That or most people on *chans have way different preferences in women than I do.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 08:17 ID:S/FCSNNT

I like to be friends with a guy before we start dating, it just has so much more potential. Sometimes I think guys don't know how to approach a girl and explain things away as being in a friend-zone. If she's still interested in the slightest, he has a chance if he can find a way. If she's just not interest, well, then, she's just not that into you.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 09:12 ID:54bTYbM+

Well the way I see it, is that two things are required for a relationship: Friendship and chemistry. I do believe that some sort of relationship can form from a friendship, but chemistry must be there. However, most of the time, since there is chemistry, people will just start going out and the friendship builds as the relationship builds. I think anyone who as a S.O. can agree that the S.O. is one of their closest friends but the reason why the S.O. is more than just a friend is that chemistry. So when people complain about the friendzone, I personally think there is just no chemistry between the two rather than just being stuck on another ladder.

I come to this conclusion by talking to my friends, my roommate's girlfriend and her best friend. Basically, they both agreed that they cannot just be with someone just because they are attracted ot them, aka just have chemistry. But they must know the person well before they can take the next step. Which I believe, listening to my roommate endlessly complain about all the mixed signals he got from his girlfriend in the early stages. I asked the girlfriend why she didn't date him from the onset, after she felt attraction to him. She said she didn't want to get involved with something where there was doubt about the outcome. She was afraid that it would not have last, basically she was worried about the friendship developing.

One thing I want to answer, is that does chemistry must exist first before the friendship and relationship or can chemistry form within the context of friendship? I really don't know, my theory is probably the dumbest thing you have ever heard, in my defense it is 4 in the morning.

15 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-02-28 09:32 ID:f6oKbkea

>>11 >>12 Thanks, that's a relief. I'm talking to a girl I'm somewhat interested in and have been thinking about this whole "friend zone" idea and it just didn't seem realistic to me from my experience, but I've heard so much about this "fast dating" idea I detailed above that I wondered if I was just That sheltered.

>>14 I think chemistry can develop before or after a friendship (which I assume you mean intimacy and commitment on some level when you say friendship).

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 09:41 ID:IbuitXmd

>>12

My (male) friends of mine talk about the friend-zone all the time. I wish I could tell them how retarded they are, how relationships are more complicated than what's described on the friend-zone website, but it would be pointless, since their attraction to a girl corresponds to her bra size, and they care more about the sex than the relationship (most of them haven't ever had sex though). I wish I had more mature friends.. >_>

17 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-02-28 09:44 ID:f6oKbkea

>>16 Don't we all.

Oh wait, maybe that's only a few of us, afterall. ~_~

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 11:20 ID:1brN3Bu6

>>16

Back when I actually had friends, more than a few of them also subscribed to that whole ladder-theory business. I agree, it can get a little asinine.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 16:49 ID:tkRKRy10

have fun being a friend and nothing more than that!

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 22:32 ID:vVgwqzEX

The problem with the friend zone is not on the female end. It's the immature, whiney guys that pen up their emotions for ages and then get all weepy when their friend-crush decides she's sick of waiting for them to make a move.

Honestly, the friend zone wouldn't exist if people were just honest about how they feel.

Of course this does go both ways. If a guy asks out a girl and she says "no, but can we just be friends?" then she's at fault. Anyone with sense knows that you can't "just be friends" with someone attracted to you. They will end up getting hurt.

21 Name: 14 : 2008-02-28 22:49 ID:hiNh/bqt

When I say friendship, I mean some sort of bond between the two. I have a lot of friends, a lot of bonds with people, but certainly no chemistry. I really can't define chemistry, best I can say that there is something, probably some sort of sexual attraction, but something more than draws two people closer than just friends.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-28 23:14 ID:0RzzGoQd

>>14 speaks the words I'm too lazy to type out myself.

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-02-29 17:37 ID:gqOiZ9mY

>>If a guy asks out a girl and she says "no, but can we just be friends?" then she's at fault.

That's the point of the friend zone as a concept. It's just a long winded version of no. Seeing as the opposite sex has never even looked at me though, I couldn't say that accurately.

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-01 04:13 ID:e0d56blh

>>Anyone with sense knows that you can't "just be friends" with someone attracted to you. They will end up getting hurt.

Nah, not really. Sometimes they'll just get over them/give up on them and realize that being able to be friends with them is better than nothing. Worked for me.

25 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-01 20:19 ID:Heaven

>>24
2nded, as the guy who was attracted.

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