Why do I run away from girls I like? (14)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-01 07:19 ID:fbEg/vmA

Tonight I did something for which I can never forgive myself. I met a girl I really like and have been on a blind date with in the basement of a dorm. She was doing laundry alone. We were talking, really hitting it off, and we walk up the stairs to go to her room. Then, for NO REASON, I turn up the next flight of stairs and say I'm meeting someone. I don't even think about it, the words just come out of my head. She gives me a strange look and says goodbye.

Now all this is running through my head and I realize I've done this countless times before. I sit up at lunch and leave a girl to eat by herself... I'm walking back after a movie with someone I really like, she opens the door and invites me in, and I say I'd rather go to bed... I always kick myself after these things happen but I don't know how to stop myself. I can't control every word I say. I go on autopilot and slip into "conversation mode" and apparently part of that is running away if I'm getting nervous that the conversation might actually lead somewhere.

Is there anything I can do about this? I feel so crappy, I'm almost crying. Am I just going to have to learn to catch myself? Should I tell her to stop me the next time I try to cop out like that, or is that creepy?

2 Name: da PG king : 2008-03-01 12:20 ID:Wwlu7UOs

Yeah, stop feeling like a pussy. Your afraid of sex... (or, that is my most educated guess). My treatment for this- watch pron, or if you are already doing so, more pron.

You need to get used to it to be able to use it.

I remember the first time I almost got that shit. I was 13, she was 14, and I almost got that till I freaked and hauled ass.

you got to be willing to get it.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-01 14:11 ID:JUrTWIJE

Try to convince yourself that the girl is a familiar friend: someone you know well enough that you are unafraid of what either of you are thinking.

Bring up as many interesting topics of conversation that you can so that you can't put yourself in a position where you can escape. Also, the more you talk and get to know each other, the more comfortable you will be in the girl's presence.

Not every relationship with a girl is sexual obviously, so keep the situation under that assumption; assume that the girl just wants to be friends. That way you won't have to worry about what she's thinking about.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-01 15:07 ID:KN6ItSjs

>>1 You might have a personality disorder, looks like in the social phobia field.

Avoidance personality disorder makes the person avoid social contact because they are afraid of being hurt AND are really self conscious. The thing you described about kicking yourself and running away countless times is def what avoidants do(i know i am one). Seriously i really hope you don't have it, because it can fuck up your life..i screwed TONS of possibilities to hook up with chicks but i always ran or gave some stupid excuse..that was before i was diagnosed with AVPD.

For help? I would suggest to push yourself HARDER and yes i know the anxiety is VERY HARD..but try it:) , if that doesn't work go see a professional and def get on Anti-anxiety meds...

5 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-03-01 19:15 ID:ssxvWdgJ

>>4 While I think you're generally right in your thinking that this is a learned social behavior issue, I don't see how medication will help that at all. What he needs is cognitive-behavioral therapy, if he's going to contact a psych.

More than that, though, I think he needs to talk to people he actually knows about his issues and become more comfortable through, as you said, pushing himself a little bit more, and through experiencing that his anxiety isn't that big of a deal. It's a bit odd, but it isn't like "OMG WTF get away from me."

Of course, this all assumes that anxiety related to social situations is the problem. (Though what has been said would also work for anxiety related to sexual issues.)

My question for >>1 is if it's sex that he's afraid of/leery about, or if it's being closer socially/intimacy of communication.

6 Name: 1 : 2008-03-01 19:40 ID:L1jyJK2E

> My treatment for this- watch pron, or if you are already doing so, more pron.

you're stupid

> More than that, though, I think he needs to talk to people he actually knows about his issues and become more comfortable through, as you said, pushing himself a little bit more, and through experiencing that his anxiety isn't that big of a deal. It's a bit odd, but it isn't like "OMG WTF get away from me."

I agree, I'm not a naturally anxious person. I have a good handful of guy friends who I love talking with and can wrestle into making them hang out with me on weekends, and I have female lesbian friends as well. I think the technical term I'd apply to myself is "love-shy". ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness ) It's really grating on me but I don't want to take meds for that, I took meds for ADD and it made me grumpy and boring. I am naturally happy most of the time so I don't want that.

I am definitely not afraid of sex, and when I'm talking with someone I'm not afraid of intimacy. It's mainly trying to get up the nerve to talk to someone, or apparently, pushing myself to continue hanging out with them when my brain sees an easy exit to the conversation.

7 Name: 1 : 2008-03-01 19:44 ID:L1jyJK2E

Also, a little background: I had my first date ever with this girl, it was arranged by a friend, and it was my first kiss. It went spectacularly well even though we have nothing in common. But she already has a boyfriend, so I'm not concerned with her in particular but my general neurosis.

8 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-03-01 20:49 ID:ssxvWdgJ

>>6 >>7 I think I understand what you're saying. Getting into talking is difficult because of inexperience and a bit of fear, and then when it goes well but you see a good chance to duck out you do because you worry about the probability of increased failure as the conversation continues.

If this is the case, we're in the same boat. I have the added issue of tripping up and talking down to myself in front of said person, which then makes future failure seem all the more probable.

I'm not really sure how to get over it/past it aside of just reminding myself not to talk down to myself/correcting myself when I do, and just continuing to learn about what is and isn't safe in conversation and what works/doesn't work in approaching people through experience and reflecting on what others have been successful with and what else might be successful.

No matter what, though, I have to keep trying things out and experiencing, because thinking forever doesn't get one far.

One thing to remember: Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, I've found that it's incredibly rare that you continue to run into anyone you meet at college or some other limited-contact area more than a few times, if at all again. Thus, we have to experiment while we can and stop worrying about the repercussions. There may not be any to failing in this sense.

Also, am I assuming too much by thinking that it seems girls are attracted to you? If you've got that going for you, it shouldn't be so difficult for you to do what I've said above, because you already have the knowledge that others think you're worth their time.

9 Name: 1 : 2008-03-01 23:24 ID:Heaven

Thanks for the advice. I know that this girl at least likes me. I'm not sure about others, since I seem to live in a bubble of really bad communication. But one day, hopefully, I'll be close enough to a girl that I can make sense of everything.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-01 23:27 ID:sbszPMey

I do things like this, except I tend to do them intentionally.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-02 05:23 ID:AAzlXA60

I think you are just shy plain and simple. But the truth is you will either just work yourself out of shyness just by interacting further with girls or you will meet someone who will make you step out of your comfort zone or in some cases, pull you out of it. But don't worry too much about it and when you are with a girl try to relax and enjoy her company.

12 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-03-02 06:46 ID:ssxvWdgJ

>>11 reminded me of some advice I recently heard that is quite simply awesome.

Do not try to sell yourself to a woman. Realize that you inherently have something to offer, and that if she's talking to you, that's why she's doing it. It is best to just be friendly and have fun wherever you are, and to be sociable. (That means talking about things casually; stuff like what you both like, but even more off-the-wall stuff like who the better comedian is or which kind of cake is best. Open up not only yourself, but topics of discussion in ways that go beyond what we normally think to.)

If you can recognize that you do Not need validation from other people, that you truly are a great person in and of yourself (though you have some flaws and can (and should be) always learn new things), then you will be far more comfortable, far more interesting, and far more able to manage engaging with her as an equal, rather than with her as someone who might reject you or someone you need to impress or coerce.

Communication is about being on equal footing. Establish that by establishing yourself inside and you're so far ahead of the norm.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-03-02 17:24 ID:1sVofvHB

>>5

>>More than that, though, I think he needs to talk to people he actually knows about his issues

Not the OP, but I've been wondering about this statement. So just what does one do when there is literally no one to talk to? (Not necessarily in the sense of being completely isolated, but in the sense that the only people one knows turn all "GTFO emo kid" when one tries to ask for advice.)

14 Name: SpireAtlanta!SGRPrwhmGE!!DwFbhmLv : 2008-03-02 18:55 ID:ssxvWdgJ

>>13 In that case, I suppose I'd recommend going to a psychologist (Universities and High Schools have counselors that one can see for free.), because they should be educated on the true normality of anxiety and other related things, and can also keep track of how he's progressing. Talking to people on the internet can always be helpful, but talking to someone face to face, feeling the fear of judgment or insecurity abotu one's problems will have a larger effect, I think.

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