I care for her but I don't love her (11)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-04 04:55 ID:t8biLlPh

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year.

However, I no longer love her. She is boring, vapid, and hardly pretty. Her only redeeming quality is the ability to do what she is told diligently by authority.

However, I still care for her very much. It seems impossible for me to bring this up and hurt her. And yet it seems the only escape is a break up. I don't know what to do. I would be so lonely without her. (Not to mention sex-deprived.)

This paradox makes it so that often, the very sight of her brings pain to me. Of course there are sometimes good days, when I can deal with her and be happy. But then more and more, I just feel depressed whenever I deal with her because she is just so disappointing.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-04 05:09 ID:EfWfrxUw

You should break up with her. This isn't a good relationship, and freeing yourself and her from it is the first step towards maybe one day finding the right person for you. Well, in any case, you shouldn't stay in a relationship thats turned so crappy after only a year.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-04 08:12 ID:ZB0Aya25

Let her go for her sake. I can think of nothing worse than learning that I've been putting all of my heart and love toward a man that doesn't feel anything for me beyond some loveless care. It will hurt her indelibly, but the sooner you hurt her the sooner she'll heal, so get it done with. Seriously, don't make her waste her effort and stop wasting your own.

4 Name: alaska : 2008-04-04 09:41 ID:JD8riRem

i agree, i just got dumped in due to a similar situation, and i am glad she didn't drag it out.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-04 10:34 ID:fbxwsR0N

>>4

same situation dude. just broke off couple of days ago. she just didn't feel attracted to me anymore.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-04 11:01 ID:OuJv9kM1

well it's the one-year mark crisis perhaps?

Why were you together in the first place? Did you guys have some common interests or something? If you didn't "love" or feel attracted to her in the first place... then perhaps you won't cuz it's been a year already.

However, if you initially had felt this strong attraction towards her... perhaps your lack of love"" towards her now is due to the fact that ... you're bored of her, and not that she's boring"".

Perhaps you were attracted to your gf in the beginning because she was a mystery to you... and now since you basically know all(or most) about each other... you don't feel any stimulation, or the passion from the relationship anymore.

Not sure, if this is your first relationship or not... but if so, this situation may occur again with your second girlfriend, because you may find them "boring" once you know all about them.

I would suggest this... take a break or something, go somewhere for awhile without your girlfriend. And who knows, perhaps you may find yourself attracted to your gf again.

What's worst is this, breaking up with your gf, and then realizing that you still love her. And then you get together again... and find her boring... and break up again...

Perhaps, give some room for her and yourself to do things of your own--rather than spending too much time together... =P

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-05 00:50 ID:AolR/k0d

>>6

I agree... I think >>1 is the type of guy who would get bored with a girl -- pretty or not, interesting or not... I am that kind of guy. Instead of wandering through relationships, maybe it's time for you to step on your toe, give yourself a slap and then a nice hug and then try to do some fun things with her. Give her a chance cause it seems she loves you. If even after that you don't feel love then you should really free her...

Good luck.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-05 02:26 ID:x7KN4QVb

>>7,
seems like you have your own story to tell here... what made you realize you're this type of a guy?

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-05 02:38 ID:eseOug6U

Thank you to everybody who replied. Especially >>6-7, who give interesting thoughts.

To tell the truth, I tend to exaggerate when my mood swings. I wasn't being completely honest in >>1. The real reason I haven't broken up with my girlfriend yet is that I don't want to. Because most of the time, I absolutely do love her and could not live without her.

However, there are times where I feel exactly like I do in >>1, and of course I was going through one of those times when I made this post. At these times, which can go on for days, love seems a dreadfully foreign feeling to me. And that is when I start to question why I bother staying with her when I'm so tired of her.

But once my head clears, I'm all over her again. Maybe I'm over-complicating matters by thinking too much. Should I really need to expect anything more from her? Perhaps I need to learn to just relax and be content with her existence complementing mine.

Maybe our relationship is doomed because of the times I feel like I do in >>1; maybe I can get over it. But I'm going to hang in there for now.

Sorry for being somewhat of a liar. It's just how I honestly felt at the time.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-04-06 02:10 ID:Qoe4sdBG

It's okay, everyone has their swings.
And if you did feel like that back then, it's not a lie.

11 Name: 7 : 2008-04-06 04:07 ID:AolR/k0d

>>9

It's OK we're all humans... Confused and confusing by nature, I guess. And I firmly believe that your problem is not her because you do seem to love her (if you didn't you wouldn't have the days when you love her). Your problem is you. Have you ever thought that somewhere in the beginning of your relationship you overdid it and put her on the pedestal? If that is so, then those feelings are getting back to you in a form of a disappointment. You may end up breaking up with her, but I doubt you will not run into the same exact situation with your next gf. The moral of the story is that you need to learn how to be content and learn to live with somebody's imperfections (i.e., her plainness at the moment). And the fact that you do miss her when she's not around you says a lot about your feelings. If you didn't love her, you would hardly wait to break up with her and not going on with the same old story.

Like with everything in love, listen to your heart and yes a few days break like >>6 proposed might be a good idea. This situation comes out usually from depression and reasons are not always so obvious (so it might not be her and her behavior that's causing all the hassle you're going through). From my own experience, I can tell that whenever I felt under pressure from work, school I would totally forget about the loved one.

Take a few days break, look into your life and find the reason.

Again, I hope this turns out great for both of you. Good luck.

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