I don't really know how to reconcile this with my conscience, but I'll just lay it out.
I have a lovely girlfriend who is barking up the marriage tree and I believe I would probably be content with her. But, long story short, I have for a very long time been infatuated with her younger sister (don't worry nothing even close to illegal). My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years and it hasn't been a problem until recently. I have started talking with her sister much more, becoming friends, hanging out, etc. because it is a bit of a travel to their house and often times my girlfriend is busy, so I just hang out with her sister.
I think I am falling in love with this girl. I think about her all the time. I simply can't stop. She has a boyfriend, and it is fairly serious, but it is a very very long-distance thing for them.
I don't know what to do. I know I will always feel terrible if I never do anything about this... but the risks are so great. I could lose everything. I don't think I could stand that.
I don't know what to do. I am honestly getting desperate. I've never felt even close to this way before.
OP here. Well, your personal insults to me aside, one of the answers I'm looking for is how exactly to kill it with fire.
I've been trying. I know all of the things you have just said. I'm not that much of an idiot. It bothers me that this is even in my mind. I can't purge it. That's why I even came on this bloody board. I can't seem to kill it. This is the problem.
I don't want to hurt anyone else, God knows. Which is one reason I'm willing to just leave both girls, so I don't potentially lose control and say something more hurtful than just "goodbye."
>>25
I must say, after reading this ENTIRE thread you are really the most indecisive person i've ever heard of!
a. You dump your current gf, lose all chance of marriage with her, might/probably will regret it later. but, you have a SMALL CHANCE of getting with her younger sister like you want. But if you do get with her younger sister, chances are the parents would NEVER allow it seeing as what you did to they're elder daughter. no parent would let they're younger daughter date they're elder daughter's ex-bf. expecially if they found out he dumped the elder for the younger. So be ready for A LOT of hardship and shit. you might be happy
b. Stay with her. Stay with the gf who obviously loves you with all of her heart and would do anything for you. you said she wants to get married and all that shit and that you've talked about it. My gf and I are currently in that stage and i wouldnt give it up for ANYTHING in the world. But if you do stay with her there is a chance you will always be unhappy and always wonder what could have been.
also, you would be breaking more than one heart if you got with her. you would break your gf's heart and she would break her bf's heart. say you two got together and you had to move away and had a LDR and she broke up with you for some bloke there. wouldnt make you too happy 'eh?
you just need to decide which fate you would rather deal with. i think you should go with B. if you marry her, at least you'll be around someone who loves you with all her heart. Sure you may wonder what could have been, but you'll be happy.
I see what you are saying. Well, if it's something so deep then you shouldn't go on like that because you may end up getting married and then realize that you should have take the exit while you could. And nobody's getting married just to get divorced. Two ways out: talk with both of them or just go out of their lives.
I do feel bad about you but life is a bitch sometimes.
Good luck!
>>25
The answer to your problem is quite simple; when I asked you who you wanted you said "the sister", not your gf.
That's it. That's the whole fucking thing and you better believe me. The "heart" of anyone will always sprawl out like it doesn't give a shit, but you can chose to deny or indulge its impulses.
You say you have denied them? I don't fucking believe you. I know myself and through me I'm quite certain I know you too. Fundamentally people aren't all that different. If I want to allow my feelings for someone and even by an oz. allow them through, they will grow bit by bit, and eventually become a burning passion. At this point it will be very hard to turn your face on it, and you will be tempted to let it reign.
However if I for some reason find it inconvenient to have feelings for someone, I can shut them down. For example if someone turns out to be occupied or becomes occupied, my morals are strong enough to allow me to kill those feelings instantaneously. That's because morals mean so much more to me than love. In fact, I love justice and truth, I have a burning passion for it. It gives me goosebumps. I want to have sex with the fucking law. Why? Because I know it exists to give us the well-being and peace of mind we all look for.
What you need to realize because it might help you, is that these feelings of yours are just chemistry. By now it is an addiction, and you need to detoxicate yourself. And when and if you've successfully done so, you need to change the values you base your emotions on, or how you choose to apply them.
Your body is a machine, a complex one perhaps but still a machine, you need to tend for it in that respect. Don't let the substances flowing through your body rule you, they are there for your well-being, but if you abuse them they kill shit. You need to be in control. Right now you're not, you damn certainly can be, and give me no bullshit.
If people can quit heroin, you can quit your gf's sister, you just need to want to do it.
I would do anything for love,
But I won't do that,
No....I won't do that!
So I guess the jury is in, with a few notable exceptions.
I should just keep my fool mouth shut and deal with it?
I don't know why that seems so impossible for me to do. But it nearly is.
Take a break from seeing the sister. Your 'passion' will eventually burn down. When you get your head cool again, maybe you will have a different perspective.
Anyway, if you break up with your girlfriend to go with the sister, that'll end up badly for you. For them a little bit, probably, but keep that in mind: THEY ARE SISTERS. They are not friends, acquintances, colleagues or whatever. They have the same blood, they have been raised under the same roof.
Either you're going to do something that could tear up the love between two sisters (which I doubt, but you have to know it), or you'll end up being exposed as the bad guy you are, and team up to kick your ass so hard you'll join the ISS crew.
I know you don't always control your feelings and that I might sound a bit harsh there, but I think you need it. Don't mess everything up.
Be more honest with yourself OP
Go with the sister
And risk tearing apart a family?
No, that's just heartless.
It sounds like you're unhappy with your current gf, so waiting for things to play and see if you guys stay together in a content relationship that may or may not end it marriage or your relationship dies out and you move on with your life, but don't get with her sister, or you may be making a mistake. These feelings sound like infatuation and not true love at all. That's why you think it sounds a little like high school.
Who knows, maybe you'd find that your gf is really more deep than you thought if you spent more time with her and not her sister, but she might be holding back because she's afriad of losing you. Some people do that because they aren't sure people could love them for who they are. Good luck OP
I think I have made up my mind. I know this will probably bother people on here, and God knows it makes me sick to think about, but I think I am going to tell the sister. I am not planning on starting anything with her or anything. I am just ready to explode here and I just need to get it off my chest.
I'll tell her, and when I do I'll tell her that I know it isn't going to go anywhere at all and that I just had to get it off my chest. I'll explain to her that I hope it doesn't change things between us, but I'll respect whatever she wants, especially if she doesn't want to see me for a while... I totally understand. I will explain to her that I love her sister with all of my heart and would never do anything to hurt her or anyone in that family... it is just a feeling and one I had to get off of my chest.
I honestly think that this will probably get better, at least from my end if I can just get it off my chest and I don't know any other way to do it.
OP here.
There is something that I should really clear up that I think a lot of people are missing. I am not at all unhappy with my girlfriend. I'm sorry if I made it sound as though there were... If I did, that was me being somewhat dishonest. She is wonderful. The thing is, her sister has completely captivated me.
I have been infatuated and been in love, I know the difference. I'll even admit to having crushes while I've been with my girlfriend. But that's just it, they were crushes, and the kind of dumb little fantasies that guys have. This is so much more, and goes so much further than simple sexual attraction. I could deal with being horny for her very easily, and up until now that has been the case and I haven't given it really any more thought than seeing a hot girl on TV or in class. No big deal.
This is such a big problem solely because and not in spite of the fact that these feelings are so strong and far beyond simple infatuation, and the fact that I am happy with my girlfriend.
No matter how much I protest with myself... I still feel almost like I'm falling in love. That's why I feel like such a horrible person... and it makes it so much worse that when I'm thinking or dreaming about it, it feels so wonderful... then I feel so guilty for feeling so wonderful.
If you jsut tell the sister, but not your girlfriend, it can only cause problems further down the line. But, this is certainly better than doing nothing. Good on you.
How do you mean?
And I also think it bears saying that the sister is a very very cool person and it would be completely uncharacteristic for her to react horribly to this. I really can't see her completely flipping out or using it against me or anything. Though I should be prepared for that contingency I guess.
By the way... Thank you, everyone for your thoughtful and helpful posts. This really is helping me through something very very difficult.
>>38
Definitely be prepared for that.
But if that's what you know you have to do, then tell her.
37 here.
I mean it could become a problem later if she finds out about it. She'd most likely feel very betrayed by both you and her sister. Finding out that you hadn't been honest with her about something so sigfnificant, finding out that the man she'd been hoping to marry had been hiding such strong feelings for her own sister... would be extremely upsetting to most women. And to find out that her own sister had kept such vital information from her would be absolutely horrible. And it's likely that her sister would want to tell her, straight away or even many years later- most people don't like to keep important secrets from their family. If I was the sister and you told me that, i would tell her right away, because family comes first and i would feel wrong about keeping it from her. I've asked a couple of my friends and my mother, and they all say they'd tell her straight away, too.
That definitely does present a problem. I don't think I can bear to have my girlfriend find out about this. Perhaps I should test the water to see if she would tell her something like that. I dunno.... but that definitely is a problem.
I think you've already made up your mind.
Tell her.
Now the somewhat more delicate matter comes to mind of exactly how to do it. It took me long enough to tell my girlfriend how I felt about her without any weirdness involved...
Thanks again, everyone.
Now the somewhat more delicate matter comes to mind of exactly how to do it. It took me long enough to tell my girlfriend how I felt about her without any weirdness involved...
Thanks again, everyone.
Waiting for details on your conversation with the sister :)
This thread is like watching a train wreck
bump, still want to know about this
Any updates OP?
I wanna know what happened too.
bawwwwww, still no updates.
He was killed by the sisters.
Epic troll?
I'm a friend of the OP, he asked me to tell you that he is now happily fucking both bitches and has no time to post ..
>>54 is kidding.
OP here.
Nope, didn't really have the balls this weekend to say anything. But it was a very nice weekend nonetheless.
I'm still not sure what to do. She is a very wonderful friend and I so don't want to put that at risk. I'm also almost certain that if I tell her right, she really won't make an issue out of it. She is fairly cool that way.
I just really don't want her to feel awkward around me, as I do simply enjoy being around her.
I dunno.
Maybe I should just keep this private.
You have no chance with her, forget it. Why would she choose you over her boyfriend? You never mentioned how strong their bond was. And more importantly, ask yourself this: Why would she choose you over her SISTER?
I'm sorry, but the sister-switch can't be done. The ONLY way you'll ever be with her is if your current girlfriend dies. That's the only way I've seen a sibling switch be done.
But I'm not saying to murder her though....
Just tell her OP, otherwise fuck off.
Go for a threesome. That way everybody wins.
just fuck each other
i appreciate the affection you have for your girl's sister. However, unless this is just recent...YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, YOU DUMB SHIT!! I don't care how much you don't want to admit it...but it's the truth. And more likely...she probably still like you A LOT...yet you are not noticing it. Maybe her sister is more interesting, but you have to also realize that she's someone YOU CANNOT touch because of the relationship that sister has with her man (plus, you would probably die by the hands of your girlfriend). Pay attention to your girl...you might be missing out.
However, if this continue to affect you...then literally let the sister know how you really feel. It may hurt (and in the long run, hopefully she'll keep it quiet), but at least try. This lodging feeling in your heart will only consume you more with confusion and frustration. And quite honestly, the future may be grim for your future visitations to their home if you don't do it.
>>60
Actually, OP should realize that unless he KILLS that feeling in his heart, the future is grim indeed for his relationship with both the sisters. Whichever way stuff might happen.
This is a question that I can only honestly answer by saying, I love both of them. Which is true. I do love her sister, even apart from romantic attraction. Sorry if that answer sounds weasly, but it is the truth.
I am completely aware that this makes me a bad person. You don't need to hit me over the head with that. It really isn't anything my girlfriend lacks in that is the concern... just how amazing her sister is. I don't feel right comparing the two, but I guess that is what we are doing. I really hate this situation and I wish the feelings would die. I've tried. They won't.
...if it's not anything your girlfriend lacks, do you think your ~love~ is actually just desire for the forbidden fruit? You may be putting the sister on a pedestal, here. I mean, honestly. You're being really unfair to your girlfriend.
If it really bothers you enough, tell the sister, and enjoy losing both relationships.
>>64 I agree.
>>63 You just have to realize that sometimes loving more than one person is not what a relationship is. I'm sorry, but it's your current girlfriend or the other. If you want both, then it's better that you forget the relationship with your girlfriend and just be friends with both of them. Your logic about "my girlfriend is my girlfriend...but her sister kicks ass!" just basically says "i rather have your sister than you." Plus...those feelings WON'T DIE unless you make a decision.
Here's a thought for you: when I was friends with this girl from one of the high school I attend for academics, she was my only crush at the time. However, another girl comes along from another high school in which I ran Track and Field for...and she also became a crush. I liked the girl from the academic school because she's more quiet and calm, but I also liked the girl from the athletic school because she was a violinist and talked about random stuff. Both were Latina and loved "to grind it" while dancing. It was a love complex from here on out. At one moment, I was going to side with the girl from the athletic school because she was slitting her wrists and wanting to commit suicide...simply because (at the time) her bf broke up with her. I was "close" to her for two weeks...until the girl from the academic school started get close with me with her personal problems as well. How did it split? Well, the "athletic" girl kept bitching about her life without her bf (which annoyed the hell out of me), and while the "academic" girl also bitched...she also wanted to talk about me. One day, the "athletic" girl tried to persuade me to go on a date with her...I told her I was still thinking of the "academic" girl. The date was called off and that girl never talked to me again for about 5 months. I was sad for a week. After our last meeting, never met again. The "academic" girl is my girlfriend.
So...as much as I know you "love" both sisters...the fact is where does the heart lie? Like Thunder-chan mentioned, are you with your girl because you love her, or because recently you can hang out with her sister? If the later...get off and get help. It's unfair to your girlfriend...and if worse...you tell the sister how you feel...prepare for a long road of depression. I will be surprised if she says "i have feelings for you too"...but that's a LONGSHOT buddy.
I have little-to-no actual hope that she will say "I have feelings for you too." Really this is just to get something off of my chest that I feel terrible about.
No, I actually do love my girlfriend. That is why this is difficult. You may have something there about forbidden fruit, but I'm not sure that is the case. I'll try to think of it that way and hopefully these feelings will subside. I really don't want to screw everything up. Like I said, I actually do love my girlfriend, but I always feel so dishonest not telling her sister how I feel.
I wish I were more cool with dishonesty.
yea...and cheaters are angels of love...
fuu, you love your girlfriend...that's it! so basically, you NEED to tell her sister your feelings that has been eating you inside. You are not screwing things up...you are just letting her know what's bothering you. However, try not to make it sound like "break up with your boyfriend so I can have you." the main thing after that is focus on your girlfriend...and also treat her sister as a friend...not a lover.
I think you should actually talk to your girlfriend first, if anyone. Speaking as a girl, I would MUCH rather hear from my boyfriend he is having feelings for another anonymous girl than my sister. If you don't tell her all the gruesome details, her relationship won't be strained with her sister. At the same time, whatever female friends you have she'll become immediately jealous of.
It sounds like you'd be content, and maybe even HAPPY (!) marrying your girlfriend. Right now, though, you're finding someone else more attractive. I have news for you. Even in the most committed married couples, BOTH (!) partners will see people on the street who catch their eye, and they'll wonder, "What would life be like if things were different?" Of course, that doesn't mean their life isn't bad.
I think butterflies are a bad thing. I don't think they show the truth, they just show you're getting a random feeling of attraction for someone, to where it makes you a little uncomfortable. I get those when I'm nervous around people, sometimes attractive people. I get them when I speak in front of people, from the exhilaration of speaking in front of people, which I really like. Would I like to live my life public speaking? Fuck no. I don't get them with my boyfriend. I feel comfortable and safe with him. Kids in high school get butterflies over random crushes all the time. I even just asked my boyfriend about this, and he says it means nervousness or just a little crush.
While I feel that I love my boyfriend, there are ALWAYS times when there are people I'm talking to and I get that spark... But I would never sacrifice a relationship I know is working and makes me happy for someone I don't know as well or...well, you get the idea.
Nothing I can say can convince you, I know, so I'll just end with this last part. My sister and I are absolute best friends, and we're on similar maturity levels. I'm the little one. If my sister's boyfriend told me in the most mature way possible he had feelings for me, I would freak out. Even if he has been mature and good about it. My sister will ALWAYS come first, and she'll deserve to know. She'd react much worse to hearing it from ME, and any girl will feel betrayed. A girl who has to hear from someone else you've got other feelings will feel like you don't trust or love her enough to be honest. I'd never take any "leftovers" from my sister, and the only girls who would would generally take whatever slime they can get.
Do NOT tell the sister first, okay?
(also if you tell the sister, there are two drastic outcomes: a)she'll like you and "steal" you, and ruin the relationship with her sister and as people have mentioned you won't be welcome in the family and b)she'll tell her sister and her sister won't trust her because she'll feel like her sister is more attractive and better than her. Trust me, that's how all girls work.)
OP: OMG your sister is so cool!
GF: lol I know!
OP: Shit I have like, the biggest crush on her!
GF: ...Wut?
DO IT FAGGOT
You probably don't like her that much.
It's just the newness and freshness of something different from your 3 year relationship that is enticing you.
Don't fall for it!
OP here. No real updates as nothing has really gone anywhere. Although I have, for a while, been trying to convince myself that it is a situation close to >>70 's assertion. I hope so.
Spent a good amount of time with both girls over the past couple of weeks. Like I said, nothing really new.
Being that she is very cool and understanding, I don't think that it would put my relationship wiht my girlfriend in much jeopardy if I were to just tell the sister. It is a risk, but in my opinion, a very very small one. Really, my main concern would be endangering the great friendship I have with the sister. She really is one of my best friends and I would hate to lose that just about as much as I'd hate to lose my girlfriend.
But, I still feel like I'm being really dishonest not telling her.
Either way, I will probably spend the coming weekend with them too.
i like how you approached >>70's advice. Eventually, you will just let it out to her sister...and it will all go away. Just go for it son...the more you postpone it, the harder it will be when you want to say "I'm going to tell her/them"
If you do plan to tell, tell the girlfriend before you tell the sister. If I were your gf, I would be able to handle it a lot better hearing it from you than from my sister - and if you think the sister isn't going to tell your girlfriend, you've got another think coming.