Well, there's this guy I like, and we're really close friends. Problem is, he hates going outside. I guess that's pretty normal and all, and I can accept that, but generally if someone asks to hang out, you should agree, right? Especially if you get upset with yourself that you made that person mad. This happens to him more than once, and no matter what he still refuses to go anywhere.
I've tried coaxing him to going to places with me, but so far I've only had one success and that was only because I already rather depressed and started crying in front of him. Low blow, I know, but it wasn't really all on purpose. All other tries have been met with outright refusals and guilt trips to make me feel bad and say sorry.
He says that he feels really awkward. I told him that maybe if he went out more, the awkwardness would go away, but he still refuses. He even says that he feels awkward all the time, like he's uncomfortable in his own skin.
Is there any way I can slowly get him to socialize more? I know that I should be respecting his choices and all that, and I am, but I also know that this level of reclusion is a little unhealthy. And besides that, before I can actually get around to asking him out (because I know for sure he won't), I need to make sure he's comfortable with going out as friends.
Although, the fact that he sort of likes someone else is rather an obstacle...
Bring him to non crowded places. Start with stuff related to his interests.
I just got out of a relationship with someone exactly like that. It was a horrible experience which broke my heart, as he ended up leaving me because he would rather sit in his room alone than go out somewhere with me. I'd say steer clear if you can. Even becoming friends with someone like this will put a massive amount of stress on you, and it's obviously already effecting you. If he asks you for help to break his awkwardness, then try to do so. If not, leave him be.
If he's got such serious problems about going outside, or being comfortable in his own skin, then there's not much you can do unless he asks you to help him. As for him liking the other girl, I'm guessing he's quite the obsessive type so I don't think you'd really be able to change his mind until he deals with his problems.
He's just lonely. Give him more attention. Take him to semi-secluded places. Make sure he is comfortable.
>>1 Lol i hate going outside too, at least he keeps it real and doesn't fake it.
i wouldnt push him too much. he has a psychological problem that should be treated with medication and therapy. since you guys are close friends he obviously trusts you with his problem. dont push him too hard. you gotta take a gentle approach.
OP here.
>> As for him liking the other girl, I'm guessing he's quite the obsessive type
Not really, unless you count Assassin's Creed, Halo 3, and God of War. If he was a regular Anonymous, he'd be gar for all of them.
What >>3 says really depresses me, because it seems the most realistic. I don't want to give up on him, though. If I did, his self-confidence might fall even lower. I want to help him get past all of that.
I'll try backing off some more. But waiting until he asks me is really impossible, because I know that he won't. I mean, he doesn't even believe he'd get into an ordinary Community College, which is stupid, because we both currently go to one of the top high schools in the city, which is pretty huge, AND he's in the top quarter in rankings. I doubt that it even occurred to him that he might want to get out of this position.
Or I can just knock him unconscious with a calculator, tie him up, and force him to get drinks with me. How scary.
>>8
It might indeed lower him if you leave him.
But you might also try one thing (remember that you're also doing that to preserve yourself): act as an electroshock. Meet up with him, then install a "serious discussion" frame, explain him that you're tired of his negative behaviour, that it's starting to impact you, and (most important) that you believe he can get out of this situation, and that you believe in him. Tell him you just can't put up with it anymore, you have a life of your own and so on.
All of this is true; you're not lying. You don't have to feel ashamed or even worse, guilty of doing it. If he tries to drag you on that way, well... it's basic manipulation, and it's not really sympathetic coming from him.
To finish, tell him that you don't hate him, that you don't judge him; you have to praise him a little. Tell him that if he ever decides to move himself and start working his problems out, he can just walk to you again. Until then... let's keep some distance.
What this will achieve is allowing you to move on without feeling (too much) guilt, keeping an open door, and possibly making him realize that his behaviour might lead him to lose people and things he likes and took for granted.
Hope this helps.
>>8 knocking him unconscious and getting him drunk IS NOT the way to go...
i'm somewat part of da NHK movement as well...but on da minority side. i do sit in my dorm most of da day...readin' manga, watch anime, play video games...da usual shit. however, my gf (who is da complete opposite) has tried to be like me to get closer. she failed most of da time, but i guess she realized dat i am this because of stress of school and my alerted-attention i have when i'm not with her. on da flipside, i saw her try so hard to understand me...dat i actually got out of my shell for a while and started going out for once. now i play tennis and soccer occasionally...and hang out wit my gf outside school.
so to >>1...if u don't want to leave him yet...try getting into his shoes and understand how he feels. hopefully, if he sees you try hard to get his attention BECAUSE YOU CARE FOR HIM...i'm sure he'll c da light and stop being a home loner.
>da da da da da da da
>>8 I'm not sure about your Community College, but my local one has an auto-acceptance policy. If you can pay, you can get in. All you have to do is take a college placement test, and if you fail, they stick you in some extra classes. Or is that not what he's concerned about?
Also, I agree that the best thing to do in this situation would be to tell him what he has to do, and if he can't do it, leave him. The loss of such a close friend might be enough to force him to seek help.
As a former-recluse, it's easy for me to firmly say that the best way to get out of your shell is to stay in it until you can't take it any longer, and then have people to fall upon when you decide to come out of it. Just remind him that you'll be there for him to lean upon if he makes the decision to begin having a life.
I am sort of like your friend. I work and go to school, so I'm tired most of the time and get grumpy unless I have my "me-time." And usually, I turn down all invitations to be social if it gets away from my "me time". Whether it's sitting at home with take out and pizza or sitting under a tree reading while reading a book at school, I don't like it when people unknowningly disturb me. But even then, I'll go out with my friends a few days out of the week.
My question is, why do you like this guy? It seems like he doesn't even want to hang out with you.
OP here
>> My question is, why do you like this guy? It seems like he doesn't even want to hang out with you.
Aha, well, that's actually a very good question. He's completely the opposite of what I normally would be attracted to, but I've gotten past that now. Well, it's certainly not for his looks, so it must be his personality. As irritating as it is, I find his lack of self-confidence intriguing, and I can also relate to a lot of his problems, although I usually have another way of getting around them. He's also not afraid to point out some flaw about me, and I also like that.
It's true, he doesn't want to hang out with me, but on the plus side, he also doesn't want to hang out with his closest friends, so I'm not disliked or anything. And he greets me in the hallway. And I'm one of his fellow gaming buddies. I also like that he introduces me to new games that I normally wouldn't come across.
Oh, but he's a slacker. He doesn't have work and has no club stuff, so really he has a lot of time to himself.
Reading this tugs on my heart, as it seems to be beginning exactly as my relationship did. As much as I'd like to try to say that your situation is different from mine, it seems obvious that they are far too similar, and the result will likely be the same. I'm going to say it again - spare yourself. Don't get too close to this kind of person. It will tear you apart. It will end in tears, unless you are willing to change a large portion of yourself to be with this kind of person. Can you really stand spending every day inside with him? Will his lack of self-confidence truly remain intriguing, or how long will it be until you grow sick of it? Are you really willing to accept his cold-shoulder rejections, simply because he wants to sit inside all day? Do you have a future with him, and can you accept that he'll likely never be able to hold down a job, especially considering what a slacker he is now? How stable can your own mind remain around such a weak person?
Think about these things. Consider your own mental health and future.
Now why does girls only date assholes and hikikomori's? what about us sweet guys? why won't we get any other treatment than "let's stay friends?", pft.
Anyway, talk about his problem, regularly, and try to give him insight on your own feelings regarding it, eventually, unless he seriously doesn't give a shit about anyone, he will change.