I'm not really sure where to begin with this story, and it may be a little disjointed trying to fit everything in, but here is the gist. (prepare for extreme tl;dr)
4 or so odd years ago I became friends with another girl over the internet. At first we were just typical online aquaintances, but somewhere around when we began college we started to talk to each other everyday and do almost everything together, becoming(at least what I would call) close friends.
About a year after this, I began to notice some strange changes in my attitude. I'm a typical loner, who doesn't like to concern myself too much with other people and their problems. However, I found myself starting to get bothered by her friends/boyfriend etc, without any real reason I could think of. It was around this time she (shockingly) told me she still thought of me more as an 'aquaintance'than a friend, because I wasn't a very open person. For the first time..something like that really hurt me, and from that point on I wanted to do everything in my power to become a 'best friend'.
Soon after this we both got jobs, and began to see less of each other. That's when the problems began... I found myself starting to have sudden emotional outbursts and arguments over really trivial things, as opposed to keeping my thoughts to myself as I usually do. This smoothed over a bit that summer, when we had more free time without school to deal with. She even came to visit me for a week.
But now I began to start questioning myself...and my feelings. Thoughts began to creep into my head. Why did I get annoyed with her bf and friends for taking time away from me? Why did it bother me that she treated me as a 'casual' friend? Yes, for the first time in my life I was questioning both my heart and my sexuality.
That's about half of the story, but I think I will pause and let the anons get their current thoughts in before I continue.
Some quick facts:
-She claims to be bi (and has made plenty of joking/half joking(?)passes and dialogue at me because of my former uptightness about being straight)
-I've never had a boyfriend before (aside from a shitty online one that was totally superficial)
-I'm currently 20 years old
That's all I can think to say right now, feel free to pick my brain about anything else. I will post part 2 tommorow, maybe?
You should have stated explicitely that you were a girl, though I guess the "another girl" should've given it away.
Well... I can't really speak for you, because I'm not in your head and I'm not a girl, but I guess that if you considered her as a close friend and she told you she sees you as casual, it's a bit like being rejected romantically. When you think of someone as a "best friend", you're creating a bond of sorts between the two of you; the other person telling you you're a casual friend is denying you this bond.
So I guess it's normal you've been pissed off and affected deeply by this; the fact you 'changed' a bit (the emotional outbursts), be it subconsciously or not, might reflect the fact your "pride" has been hurt, and you wanted to correct the fact that "you weren't a very open person".
I think it's not a big deal (the outbursts); although it may seem annoying (and it can become, don't let this go too often), it shows a proof of your character. You know, if you keep everything inside, people get bored... even if you do it because it's logical to do so if you can.
Then... you might have developed romantic feelings for her, i really don't know. I'll wait for part 2 if there is one.
>>1 here, thank you for your insightful words. I'll continue from where I left off, as this is when things began to go downhill.
After my friend came to visit, I found things began to go the opposite of what they used to. I became a lot more open (maybe too open sometimes) about how I felt, and she, instead of poking fun at me to be open minded and 'get my goat' so to speak, began to back away. It seemed the more I talked about how she was 'the most important person to me' and that I cared about her a lot, the more she laughed it off and tried to be casual. She's someone who doesn't like to appear 'weak'. So to make up for her small build and girly voice, she tries to act tough/strong/independent (she's admitted to this herself). This, however, most of the time just comes off as being a complete asshole, and was the basis of a lot of our arguments. I becoming too clingy, and her too reserved.
For about half a year, we'd planned to go to anime con together. Weaboo jokes aside, it was a big step forward for someone like me who doesn't get out much. However, I had a lot of fun and didn't feel any of the usual tension between us. That is, until we decided to go to a dance one of the nights. I was very nervous around so many people I didn't know, and she soon left me to dance with other people. While I was sitting aside, I suddenly noticed one of her partners attempting to what looked like kiss her. Furious, I took and lead her out of the room as she hastily tried to brush the situation off. She seemed a bit frazzled, so I asked her if the guy had really kissed her. She said yes and I, without thinking, kissed her on the cheek in return. She just laughed at this and then mentioned something about having to wash her mouth out. I then asked her..if the guy had kissed her on the lips. She said yes, and..before I knew it I had done the same.
It was brief, and my mind was so clouded I didn't think about what I had done as we silently returned to our room. A long argument commenced after this concerning my continued and unheeded warnings for her to be careful around the guys there, and her angry at my 'overreacting'. Eventually I broke down in tears from the stress of the entire night(something I rarely ever do, and never in front of others), even confessing to her that was my first kiss. At this she backed off, trying her best to comfort me. That night we slept in the same bed and I can say without question, even with all the incidents, that I had never felt more happy in my life before than being able to be so close to her.
That was almost 6 months ago and, aside from a long heartfelt discussion about the matter right after we returned, we never talk about those events. We haven't stopped fighting, and even though she at first apologized for 'leading me on', she now blames me for becoming too extreme in my swing from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other.
I have been keeping this situation to myself almost exclusively, as any friends either are also aquainted with this girl or wouldn't take me seriously if I expressed the fact that I care strongly for another woman. I don't want to kill over 4 years of friendship. We've shared too many things and know too much about each other. However, I cannot simply extinguish the fact I love her dearly, almost obssessively sometimes. Despite our fights, she has never attempted to cut off the relationship. She will simply hate me one day, and then we go back to being fine the next. To be honest, I think it's slowly starting to destroy me. The more she pushes me away, the more I realize I can't be without her. What should I do anon...?
It's >>1 again
Wow, did the epic tl;dr of this kill the topic? Nothing's really changed, just got done with another fight... Seems it can't go over a week without happening. I know you Secret Admirers out there have some words of wisdom!
Honestly at this point I think you're better off just breaking off contact. From what it sounds like you've got a thing for her, but she's into guys and not into you, and thus drama ensues. By continuing to hang out with her your feelings won't go away.
This love/hate relationship is also NOT healthy. It sucks to lose friends but you need to worry about your own mental health right now. Start finding some other people to hang out with / talk to, and let her live her own life.
You also seem a bit possessive, especially with that scene at the dance. I think you were out of line there, and maybe you still have this mentality that she's "yours" and nobody else should have her. You need to break that habit if you want to have healthy future relationships.
I think that once you get over her and realize she doesn't 'belong' to you, you can start talking to her again, but I'd be really careful, since old feelings die hard.
Out of curiosity, what exactly was your most recent argument about? That might give some better insight into the situation.
OP, you have to KILL your romantic feelings for her.
Speaking as a bi girl, if she were into you, she would have responded positively by now. You have more or less confessed to her your feelings on more than one occasion, and she only responds by pushing you away, right? It's the same in any best-friend type relationship, gay or straight, when one of them develops unrequited feelings for the other...the more you like her and try to push her into something, the more she will be uncomfortable and try to push away.
If you want to keep your friendship, you really have to give up on your feelings for her, no matter how intense they may be. If you don't think you can handle that, or if it'll just make you fight more, then you have to go with >>5's route and break off all contact. It isn't healthy and will only end badly.
I've been there, with best friends, before. it was difficult getting over my feelings, and very painful, but I told them, "I like you, but I'm trying to get over you, please be patient with me" and I'd just try to be as non-sketchy and platonic as possible. 9Keep cuddling and hand-holding to a minimum, obvs, haha) we worked it through and although it took a long time, in the end we were even closer than before, as long as I resigned myself to thinking about them only platonically.
When you really, really like a person it seems like there will never be anyone else, especially if it's the first person you feel that way about, but you know, you eventually do move on and find other people. Hopefully she cares about you and will be understanding, but if not - think about it, do you want to hurt now for a while and then move on with your life, or do you want to spend another four years in painful limbo, chasing after something that you can't have?
This has happened to me in the past except it was with another boy. I'll share my story.
We met on an internet forum which was dedicated to a certain series. He introduced himself as a girl and was the only 'girl' who happened to be active on that forum. I didn't really pay attention to this girl until one day out of the blue she PM'd me asking for my MSN address. Back then I was naive and would give my address if asked so I gave it to her and we started to get to know each other.
I wasn't attracted to her in anyway romantically but when he came out and told me he was a guy I kind of started to develop feelings for him. We shared a lot and talked quite a lot too. He also joked about being bisexual and sometimes he would joke about wanting to suck me off if he could. I thought I was straight at the time so I just laughed and tried to keep my cool. Despite the fact he was actually a guy I felt some sort of strange attraction to him and would get rather frustrated when he wouldn't talk to me becuase he wanted to play games. I understand it's his free time and not mine but he's been spending too much time with games and we never talk any more.
He also managed to get a girlfriend despite the fact how he's 'a weeaboo loser' and now that I look back on the situation I think he only contacted me because I'm Japanese-Australian I don't know why I didn't realise that when he would joke about wanting asians as friends (because all asians look alike?).
When I found out that he had a girlfriend I was pretty jealous but I saw him as a friend although I don't know how he felt about me; so I congratulated him about it because he said it was really hard to get out of his weeaboo phase. He broke up with his girlfirned a few weeks later and went back to gaming.
I was never the jealous type but I was kind of ticked off by the fact he'd rather play games then talk to me. I felt it was unhealthy and tried to break it off I've been going through a tsundere act with him. Telling him how much I hate him, which I do, but I also like him quite a bit.
I've completely cut contact from this boy but I really want to talk to him again. He was the only person I've ever really considered a friend and I'm currently looking for a new one and it doesn't feel good to be alone.
Sorry to hi-jack your topic. I thought you might be able to comfort yourself by knowing that you aren't alone in these kinds of friendships.
>>5 It was a silly thing really, they always are really trivial. I had txt messaged her a couple times asking where she was and what was up and she didn't respond to anything until she came home the next day. No real reason either, just because she 'didn't feel like it'. A simple thing, but she tends to lack certain considerate actions like that.
>>6 I had a feeling I'd be told these things, and I'm sure I've been avoiding them. I'm worried that if I break off all contact, she'll drift away and want nothing to do with me anymore. Lack of contact has killed a lot of my friendships. I would really like it if it could 'bring us closer' as friends eventually, as you said. I guess I'm just scared at the chance it may do the opposite...
I know I've got to get over how I feel, I just haven't found the way to do it yet. Everytime I try and hold off I just come slinking back again. I'm really pathetic. o|￣|＿
OP is tired now though, and has a Japanese midterm tommorow. Thank you for listening to me. Updates as 'self rehab' progresses, I guess?
>>8
OP I really hope you get through this without too many emotional scars.
>>7 I caught this reply right as I was leaving!
It -is- nice to have a kindred spirit. It's really funny because I began to see my relationship progression as a 'tsundere' act as well. I was for a long time standoffish and uptight about a lot of things, but after a while these emotional outbursts included random words of affection. I have no idea what came over me with this girl. Tsunderes unite! ^^
I, also, found this person to be the only really true close friend I've ever had. Even though I was used to being alone prior, I can't bear that thought now. If you were able to break off contact, I should try as well... don't count on it being a success though, heh. Your words have given me strength, I'll do my best!
(I changed my name! What do you think? w)
I've a thing for tsundere girls. Although those were just anime crushes.
It's a little easier to try to ignore these feelings because I've never met him in real life but I often think about trying to talk to him again but every time I do he's playing games.
During the time I've been avoiding him I've tried to find new friends but those attempts were unsuccessful.
>>8
5 here. Your situation sounds a lot like an online relationship I had once..we ended up getting into huge arguments over the stupidest things, I had to break it off for the sake of both of us staying sane. I know how you feel about messaging and never getting an answer, too, I've got a few 'friends' on AIM/MSN who do that, ugh. You're not pathetic, don't even think that..it happens. You just gotta' get over it and move on as I did...and I admit it wasn't easy, and half of it was my fault to begin with.
Also: I don't mind sharing my IM info over Email if you want someone to talk to/a new friend, and it'd be nice to have someone to practice Japanese with, besides. Ever since I graduated it's been slowly vanishing, blah. Good luck on your midterm, I have an Oblivion mod due for my final project today, myself.
Jealousy sure is a bitch.
I was able to avoid much conversation all weekend, but today I found out she'd spent the entire weekend at another friend's house (also stayed over earlier this week too). This friend really bugs me, because my friend is employed by her mom at a home run business, and hence they get to spend time together -all the time-. We spent a lot more time together before she met this girl...
It's not wrong to want things to go back to the way they used to be, right? I feel like a toy that got played with until it become boring and then tossed aside. Long distance relationships suck and I can't help but think more physical contact would have prevented this altogether. She simply refuses to see the fact that online relationships require a bit more effort and adjust to it. I've pointed it out a hundred times or more, but she is just too stubborn.
I guess I've always seen it as the 'melt a heart of ice' kind of challenge. Being meek and pouty has managed to bring out a gentler, more understanding side to her sometimes. It's so hard for me to drop the angry tsundere front and act that way though...
Sorry, I'm rambling for no reason. >< I think I just have a 'zettai ni makenai da yo!(I absolutely won't lose!)' complex that won't let me give up.
Now off to play some renai games like a lame fail-chner, I mean 4-chner o|￣|＿
I know exactly how you feel. It's not nice to be/feel like you've been tossed aside and replaced by something else. Especially if that something else is a machine.
I always tend to wander back here when I have nowhere else to go... A 'lonely hearts club' of sorts I guess. Reading the posts here helps me feel better at least.
Don't really know what to say, more of the usual on and off with friend. I'm just feeling particularly crushed right now... sometimes I feel like I just want to go back to being a NEET. It was her encouragement and the prospect of meeting irl that pushed me back into working on college and getting a job in the first place.
Now summer's here and I really should get another job (I didn't quit, it was seasonal), but at certain times her words give me such a bleak outlook of the future I just don't feel like it's even worth it anymore.
I guess in that case I wouldn't be much different than the typical population here. NEET power!
This is >>1 the tsundere, signing out.