Should the mentally ill date each other? (16)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-01 21:40 ID:elqMqhj7

I'm a young guy with bipolar disorder (that has, in the past, been quite severe), and I have a few fellow psychos as friends, and recently I was talking to an older friend who also has schizophrenia about an interesting question: Should people with mental illness date each other?

Personally, she said that she is against it; her first marriage was to a bipolar guy and that ended up being a total disaster, and she is very grateful that she now has a stable, sane husband who can act as a voice of reason (when the voices become unreasonable! LOL) in her life. However, I have also met a family in which both parents are bipolar, and they worked through their problems and they now have children that did not contract the Madness.

Personally? I have never dated a fellow "headcase", but my last girlfriend was very cold and refused to understand my disease or why I acted the way I did: her attitude was basically "You're on medication now, so you have no excuse for any unstable behavior" and basically said it was my fault that I had bipolar disorder (that I had "psyched myself out")... so it's also hard for most "sane" people to understand what we're going through and how to deal with us when we begin to have irrational thoughts or behavior.

What think you guys? Also, when- during the beginning of a relationship- should one inform the person you're dating that you have bipolar disorder? If the person finds out you're bipolar before you yourself tell them (one time, I started going out with this chick I was really digging, but then a friend blabbed to her that I was bipolar, and she stopped returning my phone calls shortly afterwards), how do you approach that?

This is an interesting question that I'd like to dig into!

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 12:34 ID:Heaven

Non-insane guy here. I would like to fall in love with an insane girl because that's moe.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 14:10 ID:elqMqhj7

>>2
...How is that moe?

4 Name: Thunder!3GqYIJ3Obs : 2008-05-02 14:21 ID:+W2Y29+e

>>3 in that it's a real fantasy to have a crazy girl to be in love with/in love with you.

like, a cute crazy girl who says weird things but loves you.

Fantasy!crazy is much better than reality!crazy. I don't know what to say, OP, because mental issues are a huge stigma and it would scare me a little to date someone with those problems, knowing how it would affect me and our relationship. It does depend on the person, though, and the nature of the condition. I have a bipolar best friend who is wonderful, (and yes, she's the fun kind of crazy) and I've never had any problems with her, and her boyfriend loves her just the way she is. My sister has a bipolar friend who makes everyone's life a living hell. And I could never, ever date a borderline person...(look it up if you don't know why)

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 14:38 ID:elqMqhj7

OP here

Oh God, I could never date a Borderline person. No, no, no. I'd date a schizo before I'd date a borderline. That may sound cold and judgmental, but I know EXACTLY what you're talkin' about Thunder.

6 Name: Thunder!3GqYIJ3Obs : 2008-05-02 14:58 ID:+W2Y29+e

Yeah, I'd also date schizo waaaayy before borderline, as long as it wasn't paranoid-schizophrenic who saw people telling them to kill me. :p

But why do we say these things? It's a case of self-preservation. i don't think it was right for the girl just to drop you like that, she could have tried to talk it out with you, but I'm sure she was scared of liking you and ending up hurt, the same way we couldn't handle being with borderline people. bipolar is difficult, but not unmanageable with medication, but the fears for "normal" people are similar.

Honesty is important, I guess. I don't really know, though, 'cause I can't tell you what I'd do in such a situation. (Unless it manifested itself in ways that didn't hurt me...)

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 15:24 ID:9E0k9o63

Wow, I always thought 'borderline' was a generic term, I didn't know it was an actual Psychology term. Sucks that I fall into many of its categories... but that probably is because I am (well, mostly used to be) very melancholic and am a misunderstood artist ::dramatic posture::
Just kidding, but there are traits described in this case that fit me well, just I don't cut, am not an attention whore and I am a gourmet so no appetite disorders, haha. And more important, I know for sure I'm no threat... So careful what you label 'borderline'!

That said, I don't know if I would date an someone with an actual pathology. I am tempted to say yes, because I think that love finds it ways and I know that when I'm in love it is not something that would stop me; I don't know if it'd work out on the long term. Such things might be either easy to cope with and support, or tiring, draining, and destructive. I suppose if it's the latter, as >>6 said, I'd let go because self-preservation comes first. I might be a superhuman, I have my limits too :p

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 19:07 ID:7nOk1AD+

My girlfriend is diagnosed Bipolar, on medication for it, and one of the most mature, stable people I know;

I love her deeply, and wouldn't have her any other way, frankly...

I wasn't even aware of her medication or being Bipolar when I first met her, and when she later told me she admittedly had some "flaws", and explained it to me, I didn't care at all; As I told her, it was her I fell in love with, not her condition, or any so-called flaws!

Too many people attach this horrible automatic stigma to someone diagnosed Bipolar, or any other sort of mental disorder, and the minute a person even says they're diagnosed with it, they're treated as though they have some contagious disease, or are an axe-wielding maniac from a slasher flick...

It's entirely not the case at all, and when properly treated, such medical conditions should be viewed as nothing more than having a weak heart, or back problems; I actually just helped her create a project (Which earned a 100% score for the amount of work put into it) for one of her college classes describing mental disorders, Bipolar disorder in particular, and the symptoms & treatments related to it, to help people better understand it, and people were very amazed at how different it is than people's common opinions on things like this...

I can say to everyone here, don't ever think that someone isn't a wonderful, a loving, and simply a normal person, just because they have a mental disorder; Just as a person can have severe asthma, or perhaps a synthetic leg, or somesuch, that doesn't make them less of a person; Oftentimes, it's people like that who have the most beautiful personalities, having seen and endured people who were harsh on them for their conditions, and learned to be far more kind and loving as a result!

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 22:56 ID:l1Pg+sjD

Hello, female bipolar here. I'd like to share a story as food for thought: when I was younger and still did not know I was bipolar, I had four very close friends. I'm not the most social person out there, so when I make friends, I make it a point to make good, close friends that I'll want to keep. However, during a particularly severe depression, I decided I was not worth such wonderful friends, called them up, and said what boils down to: "I don't want to be friends anymore".

They were all hurt. One left, the second decided that at least we'll be civil with each other, the third stubbornly refused to let go (although she soon got busy with her own life), and the fourth, the closest, was absolutely broken-hearted. Forward about five or six years, I get the chance to speak to that last friend and explain to her that I'm bipolar. She accepts it now and treats me normally, and we're back to being good friends.

A few years ago, I fell in love with a (sane) young man, a few years my senior. He genuinely cared for me but after around a year got sick of my constast mood swings (and at that time we thought it was plain ol' depression, so the cycle was: yay, cured! no, wait, not cured...) and, well, we're no longer together.

I don't want to love again. I'm afraid to make new close friends, but that's okay because I've learned to open up a little and make acquaintances. The thing is, right now there's a guy that I'm genuinely interested in, and I don't know what to do. I don't think he can tell that I like him, so I can just casually ask about mental disorders to gauge his response, but I'm still scared.

Like OP said, should you inform someone beforehand that you're bipolar or have a mental condition? I suppose it depends on the situation, but I would also like to know.

Forgive the drawn-out storytelling! =)

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-02 23:37 ID:9E0k9o63

I think you should tell beforehand. So the person knows where he/she is going. And knows if he/she cares enough to want to still try and build something.

I think if you hide it (be it volontarly or by "omitting" to mention it), well first you're not being frank and that's never good for a relationship, especially on something that serious; but also, the "sudden discovery" might be more scary and is more likely to make people run away than the upfront confrontation (because they had time to get used to it).

Well, I don't know, these are just guesses. I've never been in that case, on neither side.

11 Name: >>8 : 2008-05-03 10:55 ID:7nOk1AD+

#8 here;

To >>9, about your situation:

Remember, the bottom line is Bipolar disorder does NOT make you who you are! It's just a condition (it's called a "disorder" for a reason) that you have;

Don't ever let it define you, or scare you away from having a normal, healthy life, just because you had some issues in the past; I'm assuming you're in much better control of your life now, given that you've been properly diagnosed, and are likely on some type of proper medication for it; If that's the case, then it's no different than a person who has a heart condition and takes a pill for it each day! They're certainly allowed to have a happy life like everyone else, and there's no shame in admitting you've got a medical condition! :)

Though I certainly wouldn't say to hide it or anything, I also wouldn't say to start dropping odd questions about mental conditions or anything around the guy you're interested in!

I'd say to just be interested in him, and once the two of you are started dating, assuming it works out, be honest and admit that you were hesitant to start dating again, because you are admittedly shy about your Bipolar condition, and how people often react to knowing about it, without even understanding you! If you're both into each other, rest assured that it doesn't even matter! Again, remember that you aren't just a condition, you are yourself, first and foremost! Now go out there and ask that guy out! Good luck!!

12 Name: >>9 : 2008-05-03 13:34 ID:l1Pg+sjD

>>8, thank you for your response! You made my day :) It's nice to know there are people who know we're not crazy!

I'd like to ask you a question, but feel free not to answer if you feel it's too personal. Like I mentioned before, I would much rather have a few close friends that I share everything with rather than many friends who I don't talk with often... however, this means that that closer you are to me, the more crap you'll have to deal with.

My question is: have you ever had to deal with your girl's episodes, depressed or manic? The reason I'm asking is that my depressed episodes can sometimes get very bad (like, screaming and crying and uncontrollable shaking bad), and I don't want to force anybody to deal with it. By the way, I'm not on medication, for many reasons, the simplest of which are I'm afraid to start, and I can't afford it, so I'm going with the "deal with it yourself" approach.

OP and other males here, please let me know if you have an opinion about this. If you were with a headcase, would you be willing/able to deal with random fits of almost-hysteria?

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-03 15:45 ID:QWLmLWiC

>OP and other males here, please let me know if you have an opinion about this. If you were with a headcase, would you be willing/able to deal with random fits of almost-hysteria?

I'd date the crazy girl, but she'd have to wear a straightjacket whenever I was alone with her. Which is fine, 'cuz that's kinda my kink.

Seriously though, I've got clinical levels of depression, I'd actually enjoy being with a bipolar woman on a manic episode.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-03 16:01 ID:+W2Y29+e

>>13

yeah, but what about when you're both depressed...?

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-03 16:38 ID:elqMqhj7

>>11
OP here

I disagree, 11. Mental illness DOES make you who you are. It's the way your brain is hard-wired, it effects your development as a person and it effects the nature of your personality. It is NOT the same as having a heart condition or any other physical disease, it is something quite different. People with a heart condition or that are handicapped don't decide to randomly max out their credit cards on eBay buying jewelry, or slash their arm to pieces with a butcher-knife, or think their neighbor is out to kill them, or decide randomly to throw themselves in front of a car (all of which I have done, lol).

>>OP and other males here, please let me know if you have an opinion about this. If you were with a headcase, would you be willing/able to deal with random fits of almost-hysteria?

I could probably deal with it, although it depends on how my own stability at that time in my life is. If I really loved the person, I would give my all, and I would be able to understand what's going on because of my own problems.

16 Name: >>9 : 2008-05-03 18:35 ID:l1Pg+sjD

An addendum to OP:

I have to agree that having a mental disorder affects you a lot more then a physical condition, but this is the way I look at it: mental disorders are similar to chronic physical conditions in that they are there. Be it a cold or cancer, with proper medication you have a chance to recover. But with chronic situations, say like asthma, it's there to stay. You end up not being able to play particularly difficult sports, and that defines who you are. I guess in the end it's a matter of how much it affects you?

Still, it's true that many people hear mental illness and think "crazy" immediately. Even though they can see that you're a perfectly sane person, it somehow ends up with you being insane.

Also, thank you for the encouraging response, OP! Somehow it makes me feel that there are reasonable people out there :)


As a side note particular to bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, I've had several people that I've confided in suggest that you can simply pull yourself out of a slump if you put your mind to it. I keep trying to explain that no, that's the whole idea, it's something that you're unable to control. OP, any other bipolars here, have you had similar experiences? How do you deal with it?
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