I don't know what I did and I've always thought myself as a nice guy but a few days ago I was told one of the girls from my school needed help with some school work by her friend and she asked me to help her so I said I would help if she asked me directly so I just waited for a reply and the friend came back and passed this on "mmm. he scares me coz makez me feel dumb =["
So I went to ask people what they thought of me (indirectly) and most of them saw me as an elitist, hardass who likes to make fun of people for the lulz, and a liar. A few also thought I was a pretty funny guy.
I like her but I'm not really looking for any sort of relationship because she obviously doesn't like me and she's pretty cute too.
I've known this girl since 2nd grade and I don't think I've never done anything to make her feel this way. If anything I think she's smarter than me and she would even give me a hard time about it during Primary School.
What can I do to change the way she sees me if she won't even give me a chance?
I ALMOST got lost when you had not punctuations (besides " and ') in your first paragraph. I didn't know whether you didn't go to school or forgot to actually separate your sentences. Plus, what the hell is "he scares me coz makez me feel dumb"?
Anyways, it's good that you first asked your peers what they thought about you. However, when I think about it...I think that you already think that you are "fine" and nothing is wrong...but probably ignore certain parts of your real self due to expressing true feelings. Unless saying offensive things and deceiving others is your thing (which is basically a turn off for any gender), you have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: "What don't I like about myself?" Go around some more...walk around town...and view some other people's expressions. Eventually, you'll get a suggestion or an answer.
As for the girl...don't say you like her just because you known her since Primary school. That's not right (sounds more like stalking) and you really need to understand the girl to have a little bit more affection for her. Otherwise, it's just love gone blind.
Like I said...look at yourself...don't take it as shit because everybody goes through it. Even some people you may consider "perfect" or "popular" go through flaws and criticism. However, I think some of them get over it and try their best to change to gain more positive perception.
>>2
Now that I've read through the first paragraph again I feel the same way and I'm sorry about that.
I do think I'm deceptive to a certain degree. There a lot of things I don't like about myself but I make an effort to conceal those things and I think I'm quite good at it too.
>"he scares me coz makes me feel dumb"
That was a direct copy and paste from that girl. Her friend passed it on to me.
And I don't like her just because I've known her since Primary school. I have a crush/like her but I'd also like to get to know her but I've never been given that chance.
>>I do think I'm deceptive to a certain degree. There a lot of things I don't like about myself but I make an effort to conceal those things and I think I'm quite good at it too.
Maybe that was a bad way to put it. I have certain flaws that I try to hide. To put it in my native tongue (*chan) I constantly supress my power level.
if you don't want to suppress your power level...UNLEASH IT!!
I'm pretty sure some people are waiting to see a better view of you.
>>5
This is so true. If you possess raw power, don't hide it because you think it's scary or whatever. People will sense something fishy about you and it's worse.
Be flamboyant. Some people will hate you for it, of course, but most will like you for it.
I'm actually quite flamboyant (to the point of being gay) on the internet, but in real life I don't think that shit flies. I'll try to gradually change, but I've been like this for as long as anyone has known me (in real life). A sudden change would seem fake.
I've actually had a chat with this girl in the past. It was just the two of us so I didn't feel the need to put on an act. This led to her questioning my sexuality, which was something I expected but I told her it was just a joke.
There is only one thing I can think of that would warrant some sort of mistrust. She once asked me t tell her as soon as I ever met a girl I liked. She was the one who I liked at the time but I couldn't really tell her because I didn't think it was appropriate nor did I think it would ever happen. This was back in the 7th grade and hopefully she has forgotten and hates me for some other reason.
>>7
The worst that could happen is some people wondering why you are doing that. Just tell them you got bored by your old self. Also you probably already sound a bit fake, because as you say it yourself: you are.
You can either do it gradually or wait until there is a two-week break or something, and prepare yourself, and be like that when you come back. I've figured that changes are way easier to show when you haven't seen people for a few weeks. Worked everytime for me - when I had to start to wear glasses, got new haircuts, etc.
And seriously, people could care less about what you do. They'll make you one or two remarks on the first days, will discuss about how you changed at lunch, and then they will have something else to talk about.
Hey, think about it. Some people might be talking about you behind your back to say how you positively changed. Isn't that awesome?
All parties involved haven't seen me in person for a year so I think it's safe to assume a big change is natural.
Just a while ago I asked her friend to ask her if she still needed help and the reply I got was (tl;dr version) "He is too serious about things."
I've always thought I was pretty laid back too. I don't drink not just because it's illegal I just don't like the idea of having alcohol inside me and I've been told she drinks a lot.
What I'm afraid of is that if I've changed too much I'll lose all the friends that I have left. I didn't gain them by pretending, I was just being myself but over years I've changed on the inside but I've kept my mask on.
But I promise that the next time I see any of them face to face I'll drop the act and be myself, although it's not that I lie all the time; I just hold back certain parts of me. Which I'm sure everybody does.
>>9
If they are really your friends, they won't leave you. And of course, it's natural to hold back certain parts of yourself. Just don't hold back too much.
I hope it's just my pesimistic view on the situation but I don't think the friendship means that much to them. I think the only reason why they've stuck around with me for as long as they have because I'm the funny one.
I don't know if that was a compliment but I don't like being the clown.
>>11
Then why would you force yourself being one?
Also, you can still be funny while letting your inner self express itself more. It's not because you don't restrain your mindpower that you can't tell a joke.
I've never really forced the humour. It's just something that came naturally. Though most of it came from the fact I was mocking some of them for fun. It's something we did for fun. None of us really meant it, but it's led to a fist fight or two in the past.
I'm also thinking of returning to school so I could see them. I never see these people outside of school so it should be nice to see them again.
I'm sorry for those who've wasted their time with this thread. I think I'm just being a bitch just because one person didn't like me. Sorry for wasting your time.
>>14 you'll find that special girl in your life eventually. Just...for now...be yourself. If you are being embarrassed by how you look or act, then you are only letting others judge you...be your own judge.
> Just a while ago I asked her friend to ask her if she still needed help and the reply I got was (tl;dr version) "He is too serious about things."
Um, yeah..I can understand where she's coming from. She's not implying that you're a prude. But she reckons that you're a bit too confronting and you take things too seriously because:
>>OP
The 7th grade thing is interesting... Some people have a good memory and there might (might!) be a chance that she actually liked you at that point and hoped that you like her too. She could have expected you to admit it to her. Even though you looked gay to her or whatever, that doesn't mean that she disliked you for that. Maybe she was trying to find an excuse to actually talk to you...
Back in high school I had one crazy (but popular) girl after me. She practically molested me on a daily basis (insults, stalking, threatening my best female friend etc.) That went on for three years and everybody knew it. Couldn't get her off my back, literally. By the time we were graduating I thought I couldn't find a girl who hates me more or has worse opinion on me than her. I don't wanna go into too much details but I am happy to be alive today. That's how much (I thought) she hated me. And then suddenly some of my friends confronted her about what she was doing to me all those years and asked her: "Do you love him?" She just blushed. Day after that she started threatening everybody that we were "all going to pay" and we'll see "who's actually flirting with whom". She was totally lost. I graduated. She found out where I went to continue my studies and registered at the same college... But she never had guts to say a word to me anymore, and she looked me much differently.
I was iterating through my memories and I remember that the only time she spoke with me directly (without anybody around) was right after the fight we had in front of everybody. She was totally different and almost cried. Then I went back on to remember how it all started. We had a phys.ed. class playing volleyball or something outdoors. She laid on the grass in front of her friends and started flirting with me saying "come here and lay next to me" seductively. It was all play in front of her friends and I recall smiling sarcastically and going away. That's when three years of mental torture started. I wasn't a hot-shot, far from it. I wasn't even popular but the kinda guy everybody was picking on... But I was above-average in terms of intelligence and education -- elite to a certain point, but with no nerdy-geeky behavior. I should say I was well rounded. Who knows why she liked me so much that she decided to dedicate three years of her life to making my social and personal life miserable. She scared off girls who liked me and I liked. That is the only thing I can't forgive her...
OP, your case is not this extreme, thank God, but there's a possibility that she actually liked you (and maybe still likes you) but is offended by your rejection. Although you didn't formally reject her, she may be using it as an excuse. She may feel insecure or even inferior to you and puts on a mask just as you do. This may all be only a theory, but if I were you I wouldn't leave it like that. I did make that mistake and never openly discussed what happened with her. If you have a chance to talk to her, do so but only two of you.. no masks, no play... And tell her that you liked her back then, but didn't have the guts to say it and go from there.
If you leave it like it is, you'll learn to live that way, just as I did. And it's everything but good for you.
Good luck. Sorry for tl;dr, but I had to share my experience hoping that it may help you or anybody else in similar situation.
>but didn't have the guts to say it and go from there.
I still don't but I'm trying to work on it. Thanks guys. You've all been very helpful.
>>1
Don't tell me you're actually too stupid to realize she likes you? Just fucking talk to her in person. Catch her to explain things, because you feel that, what people think about you is wrong and it sucks. And you could add; I like you so I don't want you to think of me that way.
Be honest with her, and act honestly for yourself. And stop giving so much of a shit about what flies and what doesn't. Ofcourse people will feel this way about you because even if it's not your intent you would come off as uptight.
It still hasn't become apparent that she likes me. I'm really sorry about not realising it but I was never very bright when it comes to things like this.
I haven't commented on this thread before this, but "he scares me 'coz he makes me feel dumb" doesn't mean that she doesn't like you. It means she cares about what you think about her. It means she's intimidated by you, and if you were friendly towards her, (without being so obvious and direct about it) she would probably respond positively.
So it sounds to me like it's quite the opposite of 'clearly not liking you,'fyi.
tke >>19's advice.
>>21
I agree that she does care about OP's opinion of her, but I rather doubt that it stems from her liking OP. I could imagine anyone making those comments. Heck, I do it all the time. If you assume that she's crushing on you, I'm interested in how things play out though. Oh, and OP could do with being more gentler around girls.
17 here. "he scares me 'coz he makes me feel dumb" is just another way to tell you (through your friend): "Your elitism makes me feel inferior. I am not at your level. I am afraid to even approach you because I feel you are making fun of me.". The "he's too serious about things" part may mean "I am different from you in the way I like some things and you don't. I am too proud and too scared to change because I'm afraid you will look down on me. I just can't fight the impression of you constantly thinking about my inferiority. If I admit that I like you that will mean I surrendered to you. And I think you don't even like me. Maybe I'm too stupid and not worthy compared to you, but I still have some dignity. The last thing I want is to open up and feel vulnerable in front of you"
Learn to read what people are saying. If she just said all this to you, life would be a lot easier than it is. But she won't so use your intelligence and get in her shoes once in a while. She obviously throws the ball to you because she is acting defensive. She doesn't have the guts to tell you all this in your face so you're not the only one who's afraid of confrontation. From all you said so far, if she wasn't interested in you she would cut it short in the beginning and would never even ask for your help. I believe you're not the only brilliant person in the whole school. She clearly wants to initiate some dialog. I am repetitive here, but be aware that both of you share a lot of the same fears. There's one major distinction between guys and girls: guys are expected to surrender first. So, keep that in mind.
And even if it turns out none of this is true and she doesn't like you, it was about time to either start it or move on. You two spent years in that status quo - it's just not healthy...
And about you not having guts to talk to her.. It's just few seconds in reality... You spill the words and from that point on the ball is in her court so she'll have to deal with that. But make sure to say what >>19 told you: I like you so I don't want you to think of me that way.
Your problem is that you pay too much attention of what people think of you. Keep in mind that they're defensive. By thinking about you, they try to escape from their own realities and issues... Will they change anything by simply talking about you?? Yep, they will change whatever you let them to... Focus some of that energy you spend on those irrelevant things back to this girl... And you need to ask yourself if you really do like everything about her. Maybe you're not OK with her drinking, being more extrovert than you and so on. It's all things that stand in your way. Same goes for her. Sounds cheesy but fate is building a bridge of chance for your love. You gotta accept some things the way they are.
Oooh another tl;Dr :) Make a move and let us know how it went.
Fingers crossed!