Fluctuation (7)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-12 05:28 ID:rbuP1z9r

I have a boyfriend...

Sort of.

I became good friends with a guy and we talked a lot. He told me about how much he missed his girlfriend overseas who he wouldn't be seeing for years. He also hinted that one of his good friends was interested in me (basically he was trying to set us up).

I ended falling in love with him instead, despite knowing that he already had a girlfriend. However, he did not reject me because he said he felt something for me. I hung on because I saw some hope... (I'm sure he's not trying to have two girls at once. He's much too kind for that. It's possible that I'm just blinded by love, but I'm sure he's sincere. When giving advice, work with this assumption.)

He did feel terribly guilty for trying to set me and his friend up together though, because he gave his friend false hope. They're not longer as close now.

Now, four months later. He definitely likes me a lot more than when I confessed to him. However, he is wracked by guilt and doubt; he's cheating on his girlfriend overseas, ruined his friendship, and he knows we can't be together long (we're heading off to probably different universities in about a year). The girl overseas was also his first love and childhood crush for years, so he still feels something for her. He has said that he probably cannot ever love me as much as he loved her when they were together. The feeling for her has faded now, and so now I am the one he prefers, but he believes that it won't ever be the same. As well, he might fall in love with her again if he could only see her--or maybe he won't. Nobody knows.

His feelings for me constantly fluctuate, though he says that despite the fluctuations he's always preferred me to her. Every time he receives an e-mail from her (about once a month), this takes a hit and he doesn't like me as much for a few days. Then a week later he nearly proposes to me (and becomes cutely embarrassed about it).

He says he feels sorry for putting me through all this trouble (I've never really gotten angry at him despite his inability to choose between me or her or his inability to love me as much), but I don't want him to stay with me only out of guilt...

He's said the logical decision is to break up with me, but he can't do it somehow. Supposedly this isn't because he feels sorry for making me deal with all these problems, but because he feels something for me which may or may not be love (either way, it's a positive feeling).

Yes, I sound pretty desperate for staying with him for four months despite all these fluctuations. I don't believe he's using me. He's honestly trying his best.

The question is, should I wait longer or not? Right now... it seems to be at a low point. I've decided to wait, because he seems to change his mind every week, or even every few hours (though that doesn't stop me from worrying). He 's a confused, confused boy stuck in a dilemna which he is handling, in my opinion, as best as he can.

So, what do you say? Do you think he'll eventually fall in love with me fully, or that in the end he'll prefer her?

Note: The other girl has no idea that this is happening. She also has many admirers and he worries that she might not like him as much anymore. If she finds out, she will likely step down ("I want my beloved to be happy, etc.") I would probably step down too if this happened, because he'll probably chase after her desperately (and it would really underline that in the end he loves her more than me). Not to mention, the martyr always looks best. If I can't do that too... he'll think I don't love him as much as she does.

2 Name: Kira : 2008-05-12 13:16 ID:+pwnA12k

Mmmm tough choice... I am in the similar situation as well. I have a childhood friend(in over seas) who I have been liking for a long time but also has someone I have kind of like.
I have not chosen who to like yet but I think the most important thing is that... A person should choose only one person to truely love. Loving two(or more) person is quite flawed because loving more than one person creates many confusing feelings and could hurt everyone as the time goes on. Bottomline: Ask the guy which person he loves more. This is a serious subject but it should be done to find out the true feelings. If you hold out on a question like that, you might get hurt eventually. Anyways hopefully it works out.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-13 03:08 ID:rbuP1z9r

OP here. Additional note: He visited the other girl last summer.

To answer "who do you like more":
"I like you more than her at the moment (at this point, I pretty much only like you). However, I don't believe that my feelings for you will ever be as strong as how much I liked her when I was with her last summer. As well, if I see her again, I can't say what will happen (it might come back)."

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-13 03:27 ID:hyTvEg2C

so basically... he told you. That he likes her more.

Premises:

  1. he likes you when he's with you.
  2. he likes her when he's with her.
  3. feelings are stronger when they are together than when you guys are together

--> to me.. seems like he likes her more.
It is true that he may change and love you more... but does not seem likely.

I would avoid being the intruder, leave this relationship you have with him. Look at it this way, if you guys will separate when you guys are at university, chances are... he won't like you as much anymore--- and he'll find another girl to like. Why be with somebody who is not sure of his feelings?

If he's from overseas... chances are he's going to go back to his girlfriend and he'll choose her over you. It's true, that we may never know... but why all the trouble?

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-13 03:46 ID:AaV+ngSJ

Its funny. When a guy cheats on a girl with person A, he is sweet and kind. But if the same guy cheats on person A with another girl, he is an asshole and scum.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-13 03:50 ID:AtQWVKkV

>>5 of course it's all a matter of perspective.

But it's of my opinion that there's no such thing as a good cheater >:[

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-13 04:28 ID:rbuP1z9r

OP here.

>>5 and >>6

What happens if both person A and the other girl post here? What would you guys think then? XD
Yeah, we're both bastards. The only innocent here is the other girl. But, love is selfish, etc. Actually, I could be considered the worst one here because I sort of pulled him into this. Though right now, there's not much way to get out of this without hurting anyone. Yes, I'll keep making excuses for my behaviour.

>>4
Slim hope? He said I already surprised him by managing to make it this far. Even if it doesn't work out... I'll try to enjoy the days we have left together. People tend to regret what they didn't do, not what they did do, right?

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