Rationalizing Love Away (17)

1 Name: FlyingMohawk : 2008-05-14 02:52 ID:JIh7LgXQ

K i dunno if i am the only one who does this, but i find that if i have been liking someone for a really long time and finally relize they dont like me i rationalize my way out of liking them...

I mean, like right now i really really like this guy and have for almost a year now, and even though i still really like him i am slowly telling myself i dont and trying to think of any of his flaws and stuff, and then i hear from him and i am right back to liking him whole heartedly again.

Does anyone else do this?? any advice?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-14 02:53 ID:W3CooBWd

How do you know for sure he doesn't like you?

3 Name: FlyingMohawk : 2008-05-14 03:00 ID:JIh7LgXQ

hmmmm k well like we talked almost everyday for the first two months cause we were working together at a summer camp then he went home and then off on a 6 month mission trip and we still kept in pretty good touch, talking min once a week through an email, it would have been more but he had to pay for the internet
we kept in great contact and even kinda flirty for the first say... 5 months, then it was radio silence due to no internet for a couple of weeks, a week or so of being a complete douche, and then right back to being flirty

then when he got home it was major awkward, we only hung out once where he basically ignored me, and we only talked a couple times a week on MSN and it was painfully awkward, now we haven't talked for two weeks, except for randomly today he got ahold of me on facebook to say hey and ask how i was

so i basically figured his complete ignoring of me has got to say something, espeially when it is accompanied by a complete change in attitude should let me know he doesn't like me like that

4 Name: Tsunderekko : 2008-05-14 07:19 ID:N7DA0lNV

I think I'll seat myself in this topic for a bit.

I could use this advice too...

5 Name: Thunder!RQhIqRxs5I!!QiI33I8Q : 2008-05-14 08:28 ID:cesycCte

I have definitely done this before. My main experience is with my male best friend, someone that I saw quite a bit at the time, so hopefully Tsunderekko, you will find this useful.

(As for you, OP, I think your guy is sending you lots of mixed signals. Have you messaged him back yet?)

But anyway, several years ago, I had a mad crush on my best guy friend in college...I always thought that he was attractive, but I didn't start developing feelings until I thought that he might have feelings for me, too. (He sent me lots of signals; we used to be cuddly when watching movies and things, and sometimes when we went out we held hands.) I knew he was getting over being dumped by his last ex, but at that point it had been well over a year and so I thought he might possibly be ready for a new relationship.

Anyway, I confessed to him after my friends all knew what was going on and encouraging me to GO FOR IT because they thought I had a chance. He didn't return my feelings ("I don't see you that way, you're like a sister to me..." and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now..." DOUBLE WHAMMY) but we're best friends, so we agreed that we wouldn't let it affect our friendship. I asked him if I should try to stop liking him, but he said, no, I didn't have to do that, give him time, and maybe he could come around.

I think that was somewhat cruel, because it gave me False hope.

At that point I had been crushing on him for almost a year...so I was, understandably, crushed. But we tried to continue on as normal, except now, everything we used to do was suspect. I couldn't casually touch him without him thinking I was making a move or something on him, and he wouldn't sit too close to me anymore when we used to cuddle, etc...But what really sealed it was that one night, several weeks later, we were watching a movie together and I reached out to playfully tease him/rub his arm because he wasn't feeling well and he actually moved away from me.

Ouch.

6 Name: Thunder!RQhIqRxs5I!!QiI33I8Q : 2008-05-14 08:43 ID:cesycCte

sorry, had to break it up cause I was doing something and I didn't want to lose my post. It's so long as it is @_@

NEwayZ...

So, that really hurt. I soon confronted him about that night, asking if my feelings made him uncomfortable and he said no, and I asked him if I should stop and he said no, I didn't have to do that (this is cruel, guys...is this just because you like the idea of a girl having a crush on you, even if you don't like her...?) and when I pointed out how he actually physically moved away from me, as if I repulsed him, he said he was having a bad night, and that was it. Still, I said the last thing I wanted to do was ruin our friendship, and so I wasn't going to like him anymore. Just like that.

That was the first step. I told him I wasn't going to like him anymore so we could go back to normal, and I told all my friends that I didn't like him anymore so that they would stop talking about it and looking at me with pity in their eyes. Therefore, I had no one to talk to about it, which was a good thing for me, because the feelings weren't encouraged by exploring them. I angsted, but I angsted alone. I wrote private journal entries about it if I needed to get it out.

Like OP here, I also forced myself to see all his flaws, all the ways in which he wasn't attractive to me, and all the ways that it wouldn't have worked out.

I also became a little mean to him to prove that I didn't like him even though I did...I would make fun of his appearance, etc. whenever I got the chance - jokingly, but meanly. This only works, of course, if you insist that you don't like them anymore...and it doesn't work if you go overboard, because it just makes them feel bad and dislike you. I can't recommend this course of action D:

Another thing is that I am a very prideful person - so just thinking about how I was essentially rejected twice hurt me enough not to want to pursue it again. In addition to this, I worked on improving myself (losing weight, etc.) in a kind of spiteful way...so that I could become HOT and then he'd be sad to see what he gave up. It's not exactly healthy because you're still focusing on the person, but at least you're doing something productive with all that angst and frustration.

Also, looking for someone else to be attracted to helps. I did this as well, and made sure to tell him about new people - whom he encouraged me about, too. It did help me shift my focus a little, even though I compared everyone to him in my mind. Still, it gave us something to talk about...and most of all, I just wanted to reassure him that I wasn't going to let this ruin our friendship.

Finally, the most important factor here is time. It takes time to get over a person you liked, and things happen in their own course. I actively worked at it, but it still took me a long time to get over him completely (I thought I was over him until he started sleeping with my other best friend, and then I was so insanely jealous for so long). And after that, it took time before we could joke about it/allude to it without anyone's feelings getting hurt (especially mine). In the end, however, because we worked at it together, we became closer as a result.

7 Name: nobody : 2008-05-14 10:17 ID:+AvoZNGS

>>this is cruel, guys...is this just because you like the idea of a girl having a crush on you, even if you don't like her...?

of course, we love it when a girl shows that she likes us but only when we are somehow attracted to the girl as well.

my point is if the guy didnt like you for one bit, he would have ask you to stop, instead of telling you not to. maybe he wasnt sure yet?? maybe...

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-14 14:18 ID:Heaven

I think the more appropriate phrasing is "convincing yourself" you don't like them, as opposed to "rationalising love away".

9 Name: FlyingMohawk : 2008-05-14 21:46 ID:JIh7LgXQ

convincing myself definatly makes more sense, rationalizing is just the word that came to mind...

Thunder i totally know what you are talking about... i can totally relate

its just like make up your freaking mind. I've been doing better not seeing him recently cause i can start to tell myself that all those good times we had were in the past and that there is nothing there at all. I could never tell him how i feel or even that i am upset at him for treating me the way he is now. Like when i went to go and visit him after he came back be basically ignored me, and he gave me back this bracelet i made for him and made me cry, but rather then let him know how much it hurt i lied and told him i had been feeling sick that day.

I did message him back and let him know how i was doing, let him know how bored i have been and haven't really seen anyone lately, and asked him how he was doing. his whole reply was about him and how he has been working and sleeping and stuff. it was all of two sentances compiared to my paragraph

but i have been doing the whole convincing myself for years, i done it twice before, both with guys who were once my best friends.

it hurts like hell, because i did like Thunder, and told my friends i didn't like him and had to suffer with my pent up feelings all on my own.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-15 03:33 ID:uA4Rbzgl

I do the exact same thing.
I'll try and look at all his bad points and try and discourage myself, but as soon as I get around him my feelings fire up again...

11 Name: FlyingMohawk : 2008-05-15 04:31 ID:JIh7LgXQ

isn't that just freaking annoying... i swear its like they know!!

i was finally getting over this guy and then he was like random out of the blue contact

12 Name: 43 : 2008-05-15 08:38 ID:XZDZAFCn

Male here,

Been pretty much in the same situation as all of you but mine was worse because I knew this bisexual friend of mine just liked to have guys and chicks after her but she wouldn't take any of them seriously. Even though I knew about it I felt for it and she treated me really badly, just like one of them. It hurt pretty bad, even when I had decided to stop liking her and seeing other people because then she would be jealous and she would hint I still have a chance with her.

We had a big argument just before I went overseas. When I was overseas I made up my mind and decided to just get her out of my life thus preventing any further staining on the memories of our nice friendship. I came back 2 months later (february) and she has been looking for me really bad, sometimes I want to reply or just call her to say that I feel the same way but I know that if I do it I'll get hurt again. If I'm smart I wont talk to her nor see her again.

Wish me luck people.

13 Name: FlyingMohawk : 2008-05-15 17:28 ID:JIh7LgXQ

wow that is harsh
good luck 43, you will find someone to treat your right some day!!

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-16 03:55 ID:JIh7LgXQ

any one have any kind of idea on how to deal with these sorts of guys/gals... friends you would rather have as more then friends?? without completely alienating the friendship in the process

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-16 04:37 ID:JIh7LgXQ

does anyone have any advice on how to deal when you like a guy/gal as more then a friend without compltely destroying your friendship??

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-16 04:37 ID:JIh7LgXQ

does anyone have any advice on how to deal when you like a guy/gal as more then a friend without compltely destroying your friendship??

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-05-16 04:37 ID:JIh7LgXQ

shoot sorry for the triple post....

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