I've had a crush on someone I have a standard friendship relationship with and am scared to make the first move for fear of scaring him away. Lately I've been driving myself mad with a strong desire to make physical contact. Just hand holding or hugging or something, but alas these are not things you can just do without a good reason.
I've recently had reasons to go in for a hug just before parting when we spend time together, and every single time I tell myself that "I'm really going to do it this time," but every single time I've wussed out. His birthday is this week and we only get to see each other on weekends, so when we were together last night, I figured it would be a perfect excuse to clamp onto him and not let go. "Happy Birthday!" GLOMP~!
As we started to say our good byes, I was psyching myself up, my muscles tensed, and just as I decided I couldn't do it, his arms were around me. He hugged me and thanked me for all of my well wishing and gifts and for baking him a cake and hugged me. But the hug itself was sort of worrisome.
He did it very quickly without warning, and it was an A-frame hug where one or both people bend so that arms are put around but the bodies don't touch. He put his arms around my shoulders (literally my shoulders, not my neck), only kept them there for two seconds, and then released. When his arms encircled me, however, I wrapped my arms gently around his middle and pulled myself into him, and didn't let go until a few seconds after he did. It was awkward, especially when I realized that I was holding him after he had let go of me. It was unsatisfying and seemed forced on his end. But if he really didn't want to do it, he didn't have to. This was the very first time we've ever hugged before.
Earlier in the day he showed me a picture on his cell phone as I held it he had to adjust something and put his hands on the phone, and our hands were touching for about half a minuet and neither one of us withdrew them. If he didn't want to touch me at all, it would have been completely natural to withdraw his hand or have moved it so that mine wasn't against his.
After the hug, we were both completely calm and normal, sticking around to have a quick conversation before finally actually parting. It felt like the conversation was postponing the parting, like it was an excuse not to leave each other. It didn't feel awkward or strained or like he regretted having hugged me. But the fact that he didn't put his arms fully around me or put them back around me when I didn't let go worries me.
Anyone have any input over this?
>>Anyone have any input over this?
Yeah, I was smiling and laughing while I read this. You're so cute in your insecurities.
Next time you "accidentally" put your hands together or something, try descretly carressing his while looking into his eyes.
Then you go for the cock!
>>2
Just slightly squeeze his hand (you don't need to look at him). If he squeezes back... then there definitely is something there.
Squeeze hands? Hahahahaha lame!
But for some reason I take hugs seriously. I've wanted to really try and make it a goal to not really hug a girl until we are in a sort of serious relationship.
The hug you two had was the friend-hug which doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Because no one has said anything yet so it was natural. But I've had those conversations like that before, where its just an excuse to be together longer. You guys might have something...
well i've read that guys will try to initiate touch when he likes a girl... sooo it is possible that he hugged you because it was like the perfect opportunity to hug and thank you (without you knowing it being more). (touch yes!!!)
ah if he held onto you longer... perhaps it'll be too obvious and maybe he doesn't want that!
It's just the first time you guys hugged, so maybe there will be more opportunities for you guys to hug again in the near future! :) Also, guys are sometimes slow... so when he let go of the hug, and you were still hugging him... maybe he didn't know what to do because he didn't expect you to hug him back.... maybe maybe.
pls keep us updated!! :)
is the TS a guy?
>>6
I am a girl.
I appreciate all of the advise so far. Sometimes I'm dead certain that he feels the same way about me, and other times I feel like I'm totally wrong. I'm at a breaking point as far as needing physical contact from him goes. When I think about holding hands or hugging him, my knees go soft and my chest and stomach start floating. When I think of kissing him, I feel faint. I fantasize about tripping, falling into him and him catching me, I fantasize about falling asleep next to him, I think a lot about how wonderful it would be if he just put his arm around me. It's mostly innocent stuff (though admittedly not entirely so), and I want it so badly. Just some mutually enjoyable physical contact initiated by him.
The hand squeezing thing rings with me. Last winter, we took walks together through town frequently and most of the winter included sidewalks caked in ice. We had to be very cautious and walk slowly to keep from falling down. Really, we shouldn't have been out there in it for safety's sake, but walking around town was at that time the only way we could spend time together. One day as we walked side by side, navigating an especially treacherous stretch of sidewalk, I saw his hand sticking out toward me. I thought he was holding it out to me to help me keep my balance, and I grabbed it. "Taking hold of my tattered mit for balance? Ha!" I realized that he wasn't holding his hand out to me at all, he was only trying to balance himself. But, we held (gloved) hands the rest of the block. At the next patch of ice, we took hands again. It became automatic. Ice - hands. Ice - hands. (Thankfully) the ice lasted all season, and every time we walked (about once a week), we took hands to cross ice together. But it wasn't just a leisurely hand holding session full of meaning; we had an excuse and it was guised on my part as purely for safety. But even as the ice started melting and wasn't much of a threat any more, we took hands at even the smallest patch. The very last time we took hands, when the ice was all but gone, he squeezed mine. Not hard, but it was very noticeable. Prior to that, the hand holding had been light. This time our hands met and gripped lightly, and suddenly his was gently squeezing mine. I instantly got dizzy and felt like my hand was rolling around in his. I forgot how to speak and flushed red, and didn't think to squeeze his back. Then he let go. That squeeze has stayed with me though and remembering it always makes me happy. There were no words or explanations. And I wish very badly that I could have held my head together and squeezed back.
That squeeze thing happened back in January or so, though, and I can't auger something that happened so long ago and expect it to hold weight on how I think he may feel about me today. Haaarg.
Girls are supposed to be touchy-feely and grab arms and caress hands and thighs without needing a reason; it's just something females are expected to do. But I don't like touching people. It's uncomfortable. I worry that not touching him for any reason may be sending negative signals. How much weight do guys place on how often a girl willingly touches you?
>>6 Did you even read her story? Where she says she baked him a cake? They they sorta flirted? How she said he hugged her? Guys don't do that to guys, genius.
It depends. If she is NOT touchy-feely with me that doesn't mean she DOESN'T like me.... not everyone is like that.
But what a story you just told! This reminds me of my situations! I hope it works out!
( b^.^)b
>>How much weight do guys place on how often a girl willingly touches you?
I don't put any weight in it, I only mind or don't mind depending on wether I like her/feel comfortable with her or not.
If I like the girl, the more the better, if I don't, I'd rather be without the touching. I barely ever am calculating and analyzing about other peoples behaviour towards me, except way in retrospect.
Anyway.
I think it's obvious he likes you, he's just equally careful as you are. I bet that subtle squeeze took him plenty of building up to do, and I suspect that awkward hug he gave you recently was hoping for more. I just think he's confused: I suspect he views you grabbing his hand and giving him a close hug as you being girly and nothing more, at least that's his fear. That's probably why he didn't hug you back properly. In his mind he had displayed his level of friendly affection, you were displaying yours, he was reluctant to do more, fearing that would be too obvious.
I'm sure you're both waiting for the other one to make the first obvious move. You're such hares. Go ahead and ruin a friendship if you think that's what will happen.
The way I see it, if a friendship cannot endure a trial for something more then it isn't much of a friendship in the first place. And I bet more than half of your eagerness to sustain this friendship dwells on your romantic feelings for him.
It isn't really that hard to find new friends, it's not even that hard to find good friends, tbh. It seems much more difficult to find a good, significant other. So I think you should take a chance and make some moves. Or are you too much of a coward?
I think >>10 has got it right.
After reading your sweet sidewalk story, it is definitely apparent that he likes you. It's so nice to read something so innocent nowadays. A change from the hotblooded, shallow young love posts.
>Girls are supposed to be touchy-feely and grab arms and caress hands and thighs without needing a reason; it's just something females are expected to do. But I don't like touching people. It's uncomfortable. I worry that not touching him for any reason may be sending negative signals. How much weight do guys place on how often a girl willingly touches you?
At least you're aware of this.
To answer your question: in general, quite a bit of weight. I'm going to make this very simple for you.
MOST people, in GENERAL, have a policy of friends first before dating. Okay, fine. Your significant other is your best friend. Great!
What makes them different from all of your other friends?
YOU TOUCH THEM AND HUG THEM AND KISS THEM AND FUCK THEM. THIS IS WHAT MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP DIFFERENT. IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP DIFFERENT. IT DEFINES YOUR RELATIONSHIP, even if you're some pretentious lovestruck romantic twat who thinks "sex isn't everything." Sex may not be "everything" on some stupid cosmic scale, but on the scale of your relationship, which is the only RELEVANT scale here, it is indeed everything. Without it, you're just friends -- maybe even good friends, but still just friends.
If you don't feel this way about the person you're dating, you haven't found a boyfriend, you've found someone to take advantage of and should break up immediately if you have even a shred of morality.
>>12
I get the impression you're going to get all wound up and totally miss my meaning, so let me add this...
You say touching people makes you uncomfortable. Awesome. Whatever. Supposing this is true, you HAVE NOT found a boyfriend until you've found the guy who for some reason, you don't just feel comfortable touching -- you want to (indeed, must) touch.
tl;dr: be honest with yourself about your feelings and you're far less likely to hurt others by leading them on.
So what happened? This is one of the few threads where I liked the OP. Update!
Oh wow~ This is such a cute story.
I felt like this with my boyfriend before we were together! I was longing for a hug, a smile, anything! The night he invited me to sleep over at his house ( Alot of other people were sleeping over so I didnt know if it was a sign he liked me or not) he let me sleep on his bed, as I already had passed out there, and he slept on the floor. When I woke up, I wanted so badly to lay down next to him, cuddle him while he was asleep, and maybe go back to sleep before he woke up. Unfortunately, I was too shy.
The next time he invited me over, I laid down on his bed again, and he looked at me and rested next to me. Thankfully, we kept flirting at this moment. He stole all the pillows for himself, so slowly I forced myself to rest my head by his shoulder.
...I felt like I was about to scream, when he suddenly wrapped his arms around me. I didnt think he even liked me at all.
The next time, after a cute date at IKEA where I simply could not bring myself to make eye contact with him as I knew I would blush uncontrollably, we tried to sleep again. He had me in his arms, and after 30 minutes of trying to build up the courage inside of me, I reached up to kiss him on the cheek.
Long story short, he asked me out that night. :3
ANYWAYS. GO FOR IT.
Im sure that if you two really are as good friends as it seems, he wont stop talking to you even if you're rejected. Try to look for excuses like.. Your hands are cold or you thought you were about to fall. Make up something silly but try and make the move yourself.
awwwwww
Why do girls always like going to Ikea?
Awww. Wants to read more cute-innocent stories like this...
Should be a separate thread.....!
He probably likes you but doesn't want to seem too forward for fear of scaring you off. I'd be more worried if a guy completely glomped on, that would make conversation so unnatural after the hug.
he does like you but doesn't know how to tell you, so he waits on you, so you might as well just ask him or make it very clear to him as you did to all of us
Hmm, I wonder why he doesn't ask you out, or tell you that he likes you? Guys tend to be up front about that, but then again guys are just as worried about being rejected as girls are. He probably does like you, the signs were all there at the ice story. The thing is that if anything is going to happen one of you has to budge and make a move. Someone has to take a plunge, someone has to break the stare. One of you has to take the risk and go out on the limb.
>>21
Actually, they're probably more worried. Because of the whole bullshit about how they're supposed to repress their emotions and act strong and stuff. Being rejected isn't that much of a proof of power or anything.
moar!!!
While I'm not saying this is definitely the case, some guys feel like they should be asked out by the girls. This often leaves most of them alone for a long time, but it's not always up to the guy to make this move.
I am also the guy who asked #15 out. I wanted my first girlfriend to ask me out instead of the other way around, but I swallowed my ideal and took the important step after she gave me an all-important kiss on the cheek. So hey, if you think a guy might be waiting for YOU to make a move... make a very attractive move that can't be misinterpreted yet doesn't go all the way to asking him out. Being too shy doesn't exactly hook people up very well, afterall.
2 things:
So think about it, do you really want to be lovers or just stay friends but touch more?
if you want something, just go for it
the more you think about all the possibilities the more you're gonna stand still, which is the worst thing you could ever do.
i think hugs can be serious or welcoming because thats bringing the person into your personal space, which is something we dont like to share with people we're not comfortable with.
if anything the worst that can happen is he says no. rejection isnt cool but its not the end of the world. its better than rejecting yourself from the possibility of dating him when you may actually be the person hes lookin for.
guys are no different than women. we all worry about the same things when it comes to ourselves and other people and relationships.
the only advice that there really is for you is to go with your instincts. trust yourself and you'll be surprised what you'll find.
Thread Starter here. I've read this entire thread over and over again, and >>26 pretty much sums it up. I have to stop playing the coy waif and tell him how I feel. I initiated talking to him in the first place and, over the course of the last year, that lead to the friendship we have now. There's been more development as far as touching goes between us in just the last couple weeks, and I'm taking it as a good sign.
We went miniature golfing together last Sunday. It started out kind of stiff: hit a ball, wait. Hit a ball, wait. Pretty quick, though, we were making fun of our own shots and joking back and forth non-stop. He was actually pretty decent at playing, but I really sucked at it. He kept gave me verbal advice and cheered when I made a good shot. He also kept giving me scores I didn't deserve on our score card. I'd take 9 shots to make the hole and he'd write down 6. I think he was trying to make me feel better. When we'd be at a hole with a water hazard, he'd volunteer to stand at the edge of it and block my ball from going in.
As we progressed, I was still sucking pretty bad, and somewhere around the 13th hole, he said, "Try to position yourself at an angle and line your putter up straight on. Here." And suddenly he was next to me and repositioning me with his hands. I did the weird wobbly feeling blank-out thing I did when he squeezed my hand before and I can't remember where exactly he placed his hands. I think it was my shoulders. Then, standing beside me, he put his hands over mine and lined my club up with the ball. It was quick and I don't have much of a memory of it, but he did it voluntarily and he didn't ask if it was ok with me before he did it. And after lining me up, I made the hole! For the rest of the course I was noticeably better, even beating him on a couple holes. Conversation continued to flow smoothly and the rest of the day was normal.
We work at the same place but work different shifts and rarely have any interaction at work beyond a quick wave of acknowledgment before he leaves and I start. He had Monday off, and when we saw each other Tuesday for the first time since golfing, he walked over, put his hand on my right shoulder, leaned in and told me one of the cats at the shelter we volunteer at got adopted. And just like that he said "bye" and was gone. It was just a light placement of his hand on my shoulder as he relayed information, but it's not something he has done with me more than a couple times.
I'm about to turn 22 and have never dated before, and this is all so confusing. We spend every free weekend together, talk on the phone briefly multiple weeknights a week, and email each other when we can't see or call one another and we've both shared things with one another that we've admitted we wouldn't tell just anybody, but those aren't certain signs of dating. They're also common in friendships. We have dinner together on weekends and walk around town for hours at a time just talking and we've gone to movies together and I've been over to his house to watch a few movies and play board games (he lives alone).
A few times when the temperature has dropped while we've been walking he has loaned me a shirt or sweatshirt to wear and has invited me to keep them over night. The first time he loaned me a jacket, I went wobbly and light headed and thought I was going to pass out when I put it on. It was so strange; it made me feel so warm and good inside. I was dizzy with joy. I only kept a sweatshirt overnight once, and when I went to sleep that night, I pulled it over my pajamas and slept wearing it. It smelled like him and it made me feel happy. Wearing his clothing makes me feel happy.
[continued in next post]
[continued from the above post]
As I've never dated I can't be certain, but it seems to me that we're doing everything a dating couple would do except for having physical (and intimate) contact with one another.
However, I just moved into my very first place last week and after I make the place more habitable, I'll be able to invite him over for movies/board games/video games and hope that having him on "my turf" will be what I need to make a move. While furniture shopping, I actually thought about buying a small couch just so we could be closer when sitting on it together, but that would have been a little creepy.
I guess ultimately I want him to make the first move. I think it's partially so that I won't be responsible or at fault if it doesn't work out. That's horrible. I also fear that I'm being too hopeful and misinterpreting him. What if he just wants to be friends and I scare him? He's never mentioned past girlfriends before; maybe he has never dated. But I have to doubt that. He has several years on me and it just isn't likely.
In any case, I'll update when I grow a spine and tackle him in the middle of a game of Smess. I truly appreciate every post of advice and every relation of an example or experience that was meant to help me. No post has gone unread and I've considered each one as I've visited and revisited this thread over the last month. Thanks to everyone who has made an effort to help. You have! And I am grateful.
We're volunteering at the animal shelter together tomorrow night after taking a walk and possibly grabbing a bite to eat. If I can think of any reason to touch him, I'll take it and gauge his reaction. Wish me luck!
>As I've never dated I can't be certain, but it seems to me that we're doing everything a dating couple would do except for having physical (and intimate) contact with one another.
Here here:
OP: "Hey, have you noticed how we're doing everything a dating couple would do except for having physical (and intimate) contact with one another?" grabs hand or whatever in hand range
*Situation 1 = fail:
OP's romantic interest: pulls away "errr... yeah, I don't think that's the kind of relationship BLAH BLAH BLAH"
OP: "haha okay, I was just wondering" [game over]
*Situation 2 = win:
OP's romantic interest: doesn't pull away "[whatever he can say]"
And from here you're on your own.
OP I want to say I think this story is great and you have support!
He hugged me again!!~! After a three-day weekend of being together for most of it, he hugged me again!! I'm both happy and worried. But I hope I'm just paranoid.
The shelter thing didn't work out; more volunteers showed up and he actually spent more time talking to a different woman than he did to me. They had never met before, and as soon as she started talking to him, her hands were on him. Right on his arm, again and again. I realized I was very jealous. It just doesn't seem natural to reach out and touch someone during a conversation. But this woman did it over and over again. And she didn't even know him! And as we left she said, "Well, glad to have met you. Maybe some night when I'm working here alone you could come and help me out." GRRRR. As his friend I have no right to get jealous or upset. But if I make a move soon, then I have every right to slash her tires the next time we meet. I've definitely got incentive to keep moving forward.
After that we took our routine walk together. We walked for hours and talked the whole time. He suggested we check out the video store. He rented a movie he had been wanting to see and invited me to watch it with him the next day. We normally watch movies together in the afternoon, but he suggested we meet later than usual, take our walk, have diner together, and then watch the film. It almost sounded like he had a plan. We walked some more and then he suggested we go to his house and sit on the porch and talk. Lightheaded I said, "oh.....kay..." and it must have sounded like I was upset because he immediately said, "Err, or I could just walk you home." We've never just sat on his porch and talked before, I thought maybe it was part of the "plan," and I really wanted to. But I ruined it. As we walked farther, he suggested we stop in an all-night dinner for a quick bite to eat. We had already eaten and not that long ago. I enthusiastically agreed. That went well; we split an appetizer and even though it had been my turn to pay for diner that night, he insisted on paying that bill. He insists on paying for whatever we're doing an awful lot, but I don't feel comfortable not paying for any less than half. I'm flattered, but I never want him to feel like I'm using him nor do I want him to get burnt out or go broke.
We walked a bit more after that and then he walked me home. We used to meet and split up at a halfway point, there was a mugging in town a few weeks ago and now he insists in meeting me at my apartment and walking me all the way to my door when we part. It's only about a four minute walk from his place to mine, but I feel guilty about that and thank him every time. Before we parted I told him "I always enjoy going to the shelter with you. And not just for the cats, either." His face seemed to soften in the dim light and he nodded. We said good bye, he left and called me when he got home as I requested to make certain he made it safely. We ended up talking another half hour before finally letting each other go.