What's in a hug? (81)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-07-21 16:59 ID:cd7aZPnO

I've had a crush on someone I have a standard friendship relationship with and am scared to make the first move for fear of scaring him away. Lately I've been driving myself mad with a strong desire to make physical contact. Just hand holding or hugging or something, but alas these are not things you can just do without a good reason.

I've recently had reasons to go in for a hug just before parting when we spend time together, and every single time I tell myself that "I'm really going to do it this time," but every single time I've wussed out. His birthday is this week and we only get to see each other on weekends, so when we were together last night, I figured it would be a perfect excuse to clamp onto him and not let go. "Happy Birthday!" GLOMP~!

As we started to say our good byes, I was psyching myself up, my muscles tensed, and just as I decided I couldn't do it, his arms were around me. He hugged me and thanked me for all of my well wishing and gifts and for baking him a cake and hugged me. But the hug itself was sort of worrisome.

He did it very quickly without warning, and it was an A-frame hug where one or both people bend so that arms are put around but the bodies don't touch. He put his arms around my shoulders (literally my shoulders, not my neck), only kept them there for two seconds, and then released. When his arms encircled me, however, I wrapped my arms gently around his middle and pulled myself into him, and didn't let go until a few seconds after he did. It was awkward, especially when I realized that I was holding him after he had let go of me. It was unsatisfying and seemed forced on his end. But if he really didn't want to do it, he didn't have to. This was the very first time we've ever hugged before.

Earlier in the day he showed me a picture on his cell phone as I held it he had to adjust something and put his hands on the phone, and our hands were touching for about half a minuet and neither one of us withdrew them. If he didn't want to touch me at all, it would have been completely natural to withdraw his hand or have moved it so that mine wasn't against his.

After the hug, we were both completely calm and normal, sticking around to have a quick conversation before finally actually parting. It felt like the conversation was postponing the parting, like it was an excuse not to leave each other. It didn't feel awkward or strained or like he regretted having hugged me. But the fact that he didn't put his arms fully around me or put them back around me when I didn't let go worries me.

Anyone have any input over this?

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-04 07:45 ID:dF3CbfVJ

[continued from above]

Sunday was the day of the walk/dinner/movie, but his second job writing for a local paper interfered and he couldn't leave his house before getting a phone call. I met him at his house at 5PM and we started the movie. The movie finished and still no call. So, we remained on separate ends of the couch and watched television together for the first time. It was just Fox News' hurricane Gustave coverage, but it was a new activity. Time passed and we were both hungry, so we called a place for a pick up order and I volunteered to get it. But by the time it was ready to be picked up, it was after dark and he insisted on going instead. He assured me it was no problem and asked me to tend to the phone if it should ring. While he was gone I was slightly tempted to poke around the house and just look at stuff; I've only been inside of it a handful of times and I've never seen his bedroom. But I stayed on the couch next to the phone only getting up to use the restroom once. I sort of feel like I passed up an opportunity to "find something," but it would have felt wrong.

He returned and set up his living room so we could eat in it together and we did. He was so comfortable that he slouched on the couch with his feet resting on his coffee table, and his shirt was pushed up just a little bit at the left side of his torso just above his pants. Often when he's speaking to me and making eye contact he'll stroke his left arm with his right hand; I've always taken it as a sign that he's nervous. He did that a bunch as we sat on the couch, and his left sleeve got pushed up and stayed up. The exposure of these small, pale patches of skin I've never seen before was somehow endearing. We watched a bit more TV and when 10:30PM rolled around, he gave up on the phone call and we started our walk. It lasted about 2 hours, and when we were saying our good byes outside my door, we made corny jokes and prattled about what a good day we had as usual, and then at the end, we just stood there, staring at each other. Just standing, only feet apart, making straight on eye contact, not speaking at all. It must have lasted only seconds, but it seemed to go on forever. As we continued staring, I suddenly got light headed, and I felt the sensation travel from my head all the way down my body to my feet and it felt like it passed out of me and into the ground. It was so weird. It was almost like and out-of-body-experience. I didn't know what to do, my brain couldn't form words and honestly, I didn't want it to end. I was frozen. What the Hell was happening? We've never just stared into each other's eyes like that before. He's caught me staring at him sitting at a table together before, but one of us usually just smiles and breaks contact. The contact just wouldn't cease this time, and at the moment that feeling surged through me, I think I thought we were going to kiss. Something was going to happen, and that shockwave was both a feeling of anticipation and panic.
But he broke eye contact looking down and then saying good bye. I acted normal as well and we parted. Our phone conversation was brief and we made plans to meet again Monday.

Monday I vowed I would hug him. As we walked together, I kept telling myself I would, no matter what. "I'm going to hug you," I kept thinking while looking at him. "I will hug you," and then I'd turn red and try to hide it. We walked about two hours again and opted not to eat anywhere. It was terribly hot and humid outside, so we dove into the grocery store for a few moments to cool off and because he had a few things he wanted to pick up. When we exited, it was after dark. "Hug you, hug you, hug you, hug you!!"

33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-04 07:47 ID:dF3CbfVJ

[continued from above]

We decided to cut it short in light of the extreme discomfort the heat was causing, and off we were back to my doorstep. We chatted a bit, making lame jokes as usual. After all of that mental preparation, I chickened out again using the fact that he was carrying a grocery bag as an excuse not to go through with it. Finally we started our goodnights; we both said we had a great weekend and I made certain to say that I "enjoy our time together above everything else," to which he replied, "Ah, same here." And then it happened again: we were both standing and staring and I swear his eyes were glittering in the dim light of a far off street lamp. Just silently staring right into each other's eyes. I blanked out again, it was such a strange feeling, such a strange thing to be doing. I couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't break eye contact. That would have been painful. Staring, staring, staring. He wasn't smiling exactly, but his face was somehow pleasant. I probably looked like a suffocating guppy. Staring, staring-- no words, just eyes. I could have stayed like that forever. And suddenly he was moving. Forward. Arms around me. Mine around him. Holding. Lasting. Involuntarily went up on my tippy-toes. I squeezed really hard. I let go and so did he. Then suddenly I was on my steps and saying good bye. He made a joke and I made a reply that didn't make any sense at all and I was dizzy and light and happy and he'll call me when he's home and now I'm in side I'm shutting my door-- and I literally fell to the floor. Breathing heavily and not moving for minutes.

The hug was still pretty A-frameish; our bodies didn't touch much. His arms were around my shoulders again, though wrapped a bit more closely than last time, and mine went around his shoulders and back. When I squeezed extra hard, he didn't return the squeeze. But he didn't let go until I did this time.

He called me when he got home. Our conversation was smooth and absolutely normal. We've emailed each other since as well with no mention of the hug from either party. I guess that eliminates the possibility of feeling awkward about it and I shouldn't worry that the hug didn't actually mean anything. Err, right?

Excited and intoxicated as I am by this, I have a nagging feeling that I somehow forced him to do it. On the one hand I think that's stupid; I didn't force his arms around me nor did I initiate it. And if he didn't want to do it, he could've just said, "good night" and left. Yet I worry that he did it because I looked like I expected him to and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Like by not saying anything during the silence and staring I made him take action to make it not-awkward. Is that possible? I'm so paranoid and confused.

I just keep seeing his eyes, glittering and locked on mine. And that feeling, that alien feeling I've never had before in the entire time I've been alive. It's been over 48 hours since it happened, and yet every time I think about it (and I've gone back to it over and over and over and--), I involuntarily start breathing heavily and feel weak. I've been having trouble falling asleep, thinking about it sends a bolt of light through my head and a shockwave through my body. I've had to hold a pillow in my arms to fall asleep lately.

I know this is a lot to read at once, but I'll appreciate any advice or observations. And of course, I'll update as I can. Thank you, again, everyone. This feeling is so wonderful. This is the closest I've ever been to having a mutual love-based relationship and it's exciting, enthralling, scary, confusing, new, and so many other things at once. I am deeply grateful for the support and care I have received from this board. Whether surprising or not I haven't many friends "in real life," so your anonymous advice is the best I'll get anywhere. Thank you again, all of you.

34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-04 11:44 ID:lG3W3Ysu

awwwwwwwwww, it's so sweet! And I just love how you described your experiences. =)
A hug, that's a good start! I think you're right, if a guy doesn't want to hug you... they probably won't.

35 Name: insanezero : 2008-09-04 12:40 ID:rrJ4I3g0

>I have a nagging feeling that I somehow forced him to do it.

Yes, you are just being paranoid.

36 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-04 12:56 ID:iroIfk6d

>Something was going to happen, and that shockwave was both a feeling of anticipation and panic. But he broke eye contact looking down and then saying good bye. I acted normal as well and we parted.

When I read that I was like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!? D:"
But then I realized I had that kind of paralysis before.

I agree, your story is very cute and you describe it very well :)

This guy probably likes you, but I'd say he's looking for hints and is probably as scared as you to make a wrong move. I could be wrong but that's how I read his comportment (guy here btw).

I say, next time... YOU initiate the hug. If he doesn't want you to, he'll make it so it won't happen after that; but the fact he did it before should allow you to make it guilt-freely. Just try to overcome that rush of blood when you stare at him. It's like bungee-jump: a step forward and then things sort of happen on their own. You just have to force yourself through that step...

Oh, and see how that girl was touching his arm and such? You say it doesn't feel right and natural, and you might be right, but the thing is (fact) physical contact is something you build up and get used to; and it's a way to build attraction. A strong one, that is. And you must take care because is that does disturb you but not her, she has an edge on you... so work on that!

37 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-04 20:22 ID:hWBG9v0V

I love this story! Finally someone on 4ch to root for!

:::wishes he had a girlfriend like OP::::

There is no way you could have forced him to hug you. I take hugs very seriously and actually get quite annoyed when I meet a girl who is a random "hugger". I only hug someone when it means something and I'm guessing he does to.

38 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-04 21:47 ID:e9YIW11X

OP: Go! Go!

As a guy, if I did everything that your guy has done, I would be seriously into the girl. Of course, I have the confidence of a mushroom, so my assessment might be off.

+1 on initiating a hug.

39 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-06 07:21 ID:dF3CbfVJ

He hugged me again tonight! This time it was a one-armed hug around a shoulder, but he initiated it and actually went out of his way to do it.

I had been planning to leave town for the weekend tonight after I got off of work but plans changed and I'm not able to leave until tomorrow morning. I called him last night after work, and at the exact same time I called him, he called me!! Our phone calls crashed into eachother and we both got eachother's answering machine at the same moment! Talk about synchronicity. I asked him if he wanted to walk Friday night (tonight) and he agreed, even suggesting we stop in that all-night diner again.

As both a token of gratitude for voluntarily doing so much for me lately (walking me home, insisting on paying tabs out of turn, having me over to his home for movies, etc.) and as a sort of memento to make him think of me over the weekend while we would be separated, I stayed up until 3AM last night baking him a special casserole. The casserole is special because the recipe I used was his mother's-- his mother passed away just three years ago and he was inseparably close with her. His father passed away over a decade ago and his only sibling passed away about a year and a half ago. Several months ago he loaned me a collection of his mother's recipes and I carefully logged them into text documents and returned them. I've baked him desserts from that collection twice; once when he seemed sort of depressed and once close to the anniversary of his mother's passing. I gave him the casserole today at the shift change at work, and tonight he said he enjoyed it a great deal. I love to cook but I'm honestly not very good at it. I made him orange oatmeal cookies when he was sick a few weeks ago to give him a boost of vitamin C, and they turned out pretty terrible; way too bitter. But he assured me they were awesome and said he ate every one. That had to be a lie, but he lied to make me feel good, so there are definitely no hard feelings.

Anyway, we decided against going to the diner because it was very late and we were both admittedly tired. We walked for about and hour and a half and then we were off to my door. We chatted and made jokes as usual, and I decided not to go for a hug this time because I didn't want to make him feel awkward. I decided it would be too soon and that maybe I could shoot for a week from tonight or so. Pretty much wussing out again, but with good reason. So, as we started to say our final good byes, I turned toward my steps to ascend, and as I moved he said, "Here--" and moved toward me. I turned toward him and he put his left arm around my right side. And just like that I was a jellyfish again. Haaaaaaaaahhhh--

I was a bit startled and said, "Ah-oh!" My right arm was pinned to my side by his arm/body, so I put my left arm around his right shoulder and across his back. Strangely, I involuntarily boosted myself up on my tippy toes again. I think I'm trying to push myself into him without realizing it. I held onto him for a few seconds and then squeezed hard again and quietly said, "thank you." I wanted to bury my face in him, but didn't. I also had an impulse to kiss him lightly on the cheek as he drew away, but I kept myself from doing so. That scared me; what if I hadn't caught myself? Agh. But, maybe someday. Soon, I hope. But not too soon.

40 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-06 07:22 ID:dF3CbfVJ

[continued from above]

The hug was pretty awkward; he was touching me about as little as he possibly could and it lasted but seconds. When I put my arm around him and squeezed, I really pulled myself into him, but he didn't react. It all happens so quick and I get so lightheaded and disoriented. And my face flushes red every time. We said good night and I got back into my apartment, fumbling the key pretty badly before finally getting it in and turning it. When I closed the door behind me, I just leaned against it and had to catch my breath. I stayed like that for a while, collecting myself, and then he called me to assure me he made it home safe. A normal, relaxed conversation ensued, and then the final good nights.

He asked me if I wanted him to call me when he got home before he hugged me, and when I said I did, he said, "Okay" as though he were disapointed. Maybe he wants to "do more" but would find it awkward to have to call me just after? Not having to call would make the transition smoother and less awkward, perhaps. That's just a baseless thought, though.

Anyway, I hope this hugging continues and becomes a regular thing. Wonderful as it is, though, I really can't base much on it. As far as I know, we're still just friends and these hugs are but friendly displays of affection. But it's not something we've always done. Haaaargh.

I guess it will be another week before I get a chance to do anything. Let the countdown begin.

41 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-06 08:42 ID:wBNGv/KE

I can't wait to hear more! OP cooked him him a sentimental meal! You are so awesome OP.

42 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-06 10:12 ID:iroIfk6d

Haha OP is so sweet.

But seriously OP, he doesn't act like how most guy does - at least from my experience as one - with "just friends" when he's around you. He could be terribly leading you on, but that's just not a thing guys do usually (more often girls are foud doing that).

You're stepping up into each other's comfort zone, when you hug. It's not nothing. And anyway, he initiated it two times; I bet it's now safe for you to just hug him (okay, maybe not too strong, and maybe the kiss-on-the-cheek stuff would be too much but then again I don't think so).

43 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-06 16:37 ID:lG3W3Ysu

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww OP is so sweet. I'll want you to be my girlfriend and I'm a girl! LOL!

awww, hmmm he initiated a hug!! yah!!! =) great job. Yah, keep up with the hugging :) when you're all comfortable with the hugs.. go for the kiss on the cheek and you know what ;)

=P are all the guy's family members all gone? :( so sad. But at least he has you! :)

44 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-07 22:34 ID:f0GYPVGX

Hurry back and post more
:3

45 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-08 02:11 ID:wBNGv/KE

OP is my dream girl.

46 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-13 06:55 ID:dF3CbfVJ

A very small update and a very big cloud of paranoia.

We haven't seen much of each other since last Friday night and the one-armed hug incident. We've both been busy outside of work and haven't been calling each other and haven't had the opportunity to catch up in the few seconds we have together between the shift changes at work. However, something unexpected happened and since then he's been acting different, and it's worrying me.

We both happen to have accounts on a certain social networking mega-site on which you can post public messages back and forth with friends. We rarely make posts on each others "comment board" as there's really no reason to when we can call or email each other nightly, but his friends occasionally leave him messages that anyone, including me, can read. Just a couple days ago one of his long time female friends (whom I feel threatened by because he's known her longer and talks about her a lot and because she's left flirtatious messages on his comment board) left a message that basically said that she heard that he has a "Girl/Friend" and asked what was "going on." He has logged into said social site since the message was left, but as her page is private, I cannot access it to see if how he replied to her over that message (or any of the others). And it's INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING!!!! Arrrrgh.

I've talked with him over the phone since he saw the message, but I haven't actually spent time with him since before he saw it. The fact that this friend "heard" he has a "Girl/Friend" means that some mutual friend between the two of them must have told her that they think he has a girlfriend. This means that someone they both know has either seen us walking together or out to dinner together or at the cinema together, etc. and thought that we were an item. Her brother in law just happens to work at the same place he and I do, so it's possible that he suggested it to her.

Anyway, we made plans tonight to meet for a walk this Saturday night and for a walk Sunday evening. Usually when we make plans to walk at night, we plan to do so after 11PM and he suggest possibly stopping into the 24hour diner at some point. Tonight he repeated numerous times that we would be restricted to only a walk this week as it would be "pretty late" by the time we got out. This week we're actually meeting around 9PM so it's definitely not going to be "too late"; it will actually be earlier than usual.

He suggested that Sunday's walk should be through a densely wooded bike trail on the outskirts of town. He rather dislikes walking through nature-y areas and usually turns the idea down when I suggest it. But he's gungho about doing it this weekend.

Both of these out-of-character suggestions are puzzling me and they both have one thing in common: by avoiding the diner and walking a route that is generally devoid of other people, it is very unlikely that anyone will see us together this weekend.

I can't help but worry that that is his exact intention. And I wish so badly that I could see how he responded to that comment.

47 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-13 06:56 ID:dF3CbfVJ

[continued]

I'm going to freaking do it this weekend. I'm going to initiate a hug. When I report back here, it will only be after I have hugged him on my own accord. Imagining where to put my hands and arms is causing me to fret. Would around the waist or ribcage be too personal? Around the arms or shoulders too impersonal? Around the neck too awkward? I've never given so much thought to hugging in my life. It's not supposed to be a a calculated science, just a natural reaction! Hug him and hold him for several seconds and then pull away and make and maintain eye contact. Aghhh, just imagining doing that causes my face to flush red, my stomach to go light and my head to feel faint.

There have been a few times while walking together that I've had a bottle of water to drink off of and he hasn't. I've told him that I don't mind sharing germs and if didn't mind, he was welcomed to drink from it as well. He's always thanked me, but never taken me up on it. And when it's been the other way around, he's never offered me a drink off of his container. We almost shared a straw once testing a drink, but he changed his mind at the last moment and used his own. Every time I've offered him food off of my plate while eating together he has turned me down as if that were an unthinkable thing to do. I think I've made it clear that I'm totally open to sharing mouth-germs, but he doesn't seem to be so keen on the idea himself and I think I'll wait on the kissing him on the cheek thing. And besides, if I'm freaking out over hugging him, I really doubt I could make myself do that at this point anyway.

So, I guess right now I'm paranoid to an extreme degree and am praying this weekend will not feel awkward. And I'm going to do it, damnit! This weekend! Raaaah!! I hope.

>>45

Out of curiosity, what qualities that you have detected through my writing and relation of my situation have you found admirable? What about "me" makes me dream girl material in your opinion?

48 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-13 09:06 ID:wBNGv/KE

I like you because it seems that your feelings for him are really earnest. (ie: cooking him his mothers recipe.) I mean, that is so awesome.

But this latest update is suspicous... I would jump at the chance to share the germs of the girl I like. Could he just be a huge germa-phobe? Kinda like when Jerry Seinfeld dumped the girl after she used the toilet-touched toothbrush?

But update as soon as possible!!

49 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-13 18:18 ID:lG3W3Ysu

I don't get it either, do guys dislike sharing or whatever? The guy I like declined about eating the fries I bought, and that happened twice. Perhaps he's the healthy type. lol.

50 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-13 18:23 ID:wBNGv/KE

All you girls like weird guys.

..... of course now I remembered I did the same thing. I just wasn't hungry.

51 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-21 08:34 ID:BZ7kuJvO

Uppin'

52 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-21 09:33 ID:yhnMl055

GRAB HIS COCK ALREADY!

It's really not that hard.

53 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-21 09:45 ID:Heaven

>>52
If it was, it would be easier to grab.

...what? what did I say?

54 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-21 21:04 ID:Heaven

>>53 hahahahahahaha

55 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-21 21:06 ID:pjb6CVFJ

IT's been a week already c'mon OP! xD

56 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-26 01:23 ID:8xI+9NAV

I hope the OP comes back. This story is too sweet to end here.

57 Name: OP : 2008-09-26 08:49 ID:dF3CbfVJ

Forgive my recent absence. I should have updated right away, and because I didn't I'm afraid my summaries will be a bit stale. We've hugged twice more since the last time I posted, and they're still pretty weak hugs on his end. But they aren't quite as weak as the very first hug he gave me, and it seems that hugging is now a staple in our "good bye ritual," and that makes me quite happy. I'll be gone this weekend to celebrate my birthday with my mother, but we have plans to do things together for the first three weekends in October, so I'll be bouncing right back into the hugs in no time.

Two weeks ago I was afraid that he didn't want to be seen with me and thought that that was why he wanted to avoid eating together in public and why he wanted to walk in an area where very, very few people could possibly see us. When Saturday night came around, he had changed his mind and suggested that we stop somewhere to eat together after all. Unfortunately, by the time we got around to that, every place in town was closing its doors, even the all-night place. He ended up trying to get into every place in town before giving up. So, he obviously wasn't afraid of us being "caught" dining together.
Sunday, we set off for the woodland trail as planned, and he brought along a pair of binoculars. That eased my mind; perhaps he wasn't afraid of being seen with me, perhaps he genuinely wanted to try something different. We got about ten minutes into the woods and stopped short: there was a racoon sitting off to the side of the trail about 15 feet from us when we spotted it. It looked as if it were in a daze; it was swaying in place a bit and it's head was kind of bobbing. It stared directly at us but didn't flee in fright or react in any way at all. We decided it was too risky to try to get by it (and we couldn't leave the trail because it was surrounded by water on both sides)and we knew we couldn't help it because we couldn't administer first aid to it and trying to transport it would have put us in danger, so we turned 'round and left. And then walked several hours back and forth through town like we normally do. Our conversation flowed smoothly and all of my fears of him being afraid of being seen with me in light of his friend's recent "Girl/Friend" comment were laid to rest.

We didn't hug goodbye Saturday night because he dropped me off at my place in his car, but we did on Sunday (yaaay!) It was quick, but it happened.

Last Saturday night we walked about an hour and a half and he dropped me off with his car again, so there was no hug. He was wearing a t-shirt I had never seen him wear before. It had a one-drawer table with a lamp on top of it with the word "ONE" above it. I thought it was some sort of play on words, but couldn't figure it out. Finally about an hour into our walk he asked me if I knew what his shirt meant. I guessed and guessed, but didn't guess right.

"It's a nightstand. With "one" above it."
"Ehh...?"
"...One night stand."
"Oh!"
"It's ok, I didn't know what it meant when I bought it, either. I just thought it was random and looked cool. Now that I know what it means, I only wear this shirt on weekends."

And then my face flushed red. Really red. That's not even that embarrassing, but for some reason, it made me kind of uncomfortable. I hope he wore it because he feels completely comfortable around me. It's not like he said, "We should do this!" and pointed to his chest. Ack.
He made a slip the next day and accidentally admitted to reading "Playboy" magazine. We were discussing something and he said,
"Yeah, I once read an article in 'Playboy' abou-- err 'Rolling Stone!' I read it in 'Rolling Stone.' I used to be subscribed to 'Rolling Stone' for years. Several years, and then I just stopped. Uh, anyway, I read that..." There's nothing wrong with that; the literature in that publication has garnered recognition as high caliber writing for quite some time, but he was obviously flustered, and we were both pretty red in the face after that.

58 Name: OP : 2008-09-26 08:51 ID:dF3CbfVJ

[continued from above]

Before our walk finished, he offered to take me out to any restaurant of my choice in honor of my birthday, which is this Sunday, since I wouldn't have another opportunity to see him again until after it's over.

So, the next day was like any other weekend day together; we ate and talked and talked and talked and talked and then we walked and talked and walked and talked, and then it was goodnight. And hug time!

He's still hugging me as one would hug a leper if one had to hug a leper. Just lightly putting his arms around my shoulders and not really getting very close. I try to compensate by wrapping my arms around him just below his underarms, and squeezing tightly while lightly pressing against him with my body. Every time we hug, I get light headed and dizzy and it's really hard to think what I'm doing through and my memory of the hug ends up blurred. I don't snap out of it until I'm half way up my stairs and he's waving good bye and saying something that I have to ask him to repeat.

And I'm ashamed to admit that both of our last two hugs were initiated by him. However, he's hugged me every time we've parted now since the first time he did it (save for the car drop offs), so my doubts over whether or not he actually wants to hug me or not have lessened, but until he at least squeezes back, they won't be put completely to rest. We have plans to do things together over the first three weekends of October, and that will give me three to six more hugs and chances to initiate one and hope that he gets dizzy as a result. I won't be around this weekend so it's out, but October is pregnant with possibilities.

The fact that we're hugging every time we part now is an incredibly good thing. It's becoming a normal thing to do, and with time, it should feel absolutely natural and may open the door to other physical expressions of affection like sitting closer to one another on his couch instead of sitting a whole cushion apart, or holding hands, or holding each other, or, or, or-- turning really red when just typing about stuff like that. -_-;

I just finished baking a couple dozen peanut butter cookies. Peanut butter is one of his favorite foods and I'm planning to leave a box of cookies in his mailbox as a surprise before I leave Saturday afternoon. I'll include a note wishing him a good weekend and tell him I'm looking forward to seeing him again soon. I shaped one of the cookies like a cat's head and carved a little face on it with a toothpick before it cooled and hardened, and it actually came out pretty cute. That will be on top so it's the very first cookie he sees. ^_^

59 Name: OP : 2008-09-26 08:56 ID:dF3CbfVJ

[continued from above]

I like baking and baking for him always makes me feel extra determined to do well with it. On the night before Christmas Eve last year, about a month after we started meeting each other outside of work in our free time, we had a conversation over dinner about the emotional value of food and he told me about how his mother didn't want to stop making dinner for his family every night even when she was quite old and ill, concluding that making food for another person is a strong gesture of affection and care. At the end he maintained eye contact with me and declared, "Food is Love!" rather loudly as we sat in the middle of a crowded restaurant. We both had parcels with us; our Christmas gifts for one another, and mine just happened to have all sorts of home made cookies in it for him. I had already baked a few things for him before (I baked him a loaf of pumpkin bread and gave it to him the second time we met outside of work, and I made him chicken noodle soup from scratch when he got sick after walking with me through icy rain for two hours), and it made me wonder if he was certain I had made him something and that's why he said that. I felt really good (and turned really freaking red) when he said that, knowing that I had a load of food to give him afterward. That memory still makes me feel happy inside.

He's greatly interested in cryptids and all things Fortean, so for his birthday, I baked him a cake and made little marzipan dolls of several cryptids and decorated it for him. All in all the cake took several hours every night for two weeks to finish, (it was my first try at working with marzipan and the cake itself was hard to pull off because it was layered and colored), but it was so worth the look on his face when he saw it. Here's a picture for reference:

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/6024/caekuyt1.jpg
(The marzipan figures are the Mothman, Big Foot, Nessie, the Flatwoods Monster, and a space craft with a happy little green man inside. Nessie turned out especially cool)
http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/1470/dscn0327ig0.jpg

I hope the food I have made for him with my hands and effort will make him think of me when we're apart.

As always, I greatly appreciate the interest and encouragement so many of you have expressed in this matter. Just having somewhere to spill all of this is a relief, and to know that other people care, and that other people seem to sense that my efforts toward him are sincere and heartfelt, is a real comfort. Thank you again. I will try in the future to condense these ramblings some so no one has to suffer through three entire posts just to get a tiny bit of an update and I'll try to update soon after something significant occurs so I can include all of the details needed to make it better worth Anon's time to read.
Thanks, Anon.

60 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-26 13:44 ID:lG3W3Ysu

Ahhhhhhhh, one night stand!?!! Playboy o.O Do ppl really read playboy for the articles inside? But then again, I can't say much because I have never read one. Ha ha.

Awwww you're so sweet! I don't know how many times I will say that. Food is LOVE! Wow. =)

61 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-26 18:43 ID:Heaven

This thread makes me :3 inside.

62 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-27 01:08 ID:c8y6iCN6

I love this thread so much. The OP is just incredibly cute, and the entire feeling of everything makes me smile whenever I read it. I really support you fully OP, and wish you the best!

63 Name: secret : 2008-09-27 06:44 ID:6HIfLnrI

I've followed you from the start and I love you and your story. I am also a very interested writer, if you get the chance I would like to talk. You can e-mail me at trg64paul@yahoo.com. I hope everything ends well.

64 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-28 08:56 ID:+DPZmvv6

Have you grabbed his dick already? Or at least stuck your tongue deep inside his mouth?

65 Name: secret : 2008-09-29 04:06 ID:6HIfLnrI

hey 64 how about not being an ass toward the ladie!!

66 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-09-29 20:10 ID:tRs6d/Vn

If it's a "lady" I encourage "her" just to come out with it instead of beating around the bush and playing with that guy.

67 Name: Martyr-kun : 2008-10-03 06:12 ID:juXreXtD

What an incredibly well written and sweet tale! OP is sweet as candy. Considering your rituals and the baking he will now know for certain that you are interested in him, and as a guy it is very odd for him to behave the way he does and not like you. It seems to me like both of you are waiting for the other to initiate something extra. Your friend seems like the kind of person who is hesitant to initiate and is probably fretting over your interpretation of his actions the way you are too. I wouldn't be surprised if he walks away disappointed that you don't reciprocate when he drops you off, just like you tell your self to hug him.
I would suspect that he will interpret the cookies and cake as a strong gesture of affection, I certainly would especially considering all the information that you have shared with us. The time for you to move in for the hug is soon, while suspense is good, I get the feeling that you've both had a healthy about of that. You don't necessarily have to confess your affections in the short term, but initiating such physical gestures like he shows you at the end of the night would be a healthy reply, as if to say "Yes I notice you and I appreciate it and am interested".
Keep doing sweet things for him and try to hug him back a just a little bit, then he'll probably get the hint and ask you out.
BUT, be prepared to confess and ask him out if necessary, he simply might not be the kind of person who will do that, but would absolutely LOVE to have you hug and confess your feelings.

tl;dr: Make a small move in the short term, prepare yourself for an eventual confession on your part as he might be waiting on you to do so.

Good luck OP! You deserve the best!

68 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-06 03:25 ID:VhHR2mxC

OP, +15 rep.

I wouldn't be surprised if this was a critically acclaimed story tomorrow. Its like what >>61 said. Everyone on /love thinks that your tale is a dream to real life! We also support you! Bravo~

69 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-18 02:23 ID:4h92zHmW

This thread is not allowed to fall off the page.

70 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-18 13:16 ID:pW8rZUeW

I seriously don't get it... Sure you're cute in your insecurity and mindfulness about all these little things but, honestly? This is starting to look retarded.

You two still sit cushions apart? And simply hugging is still this big of a deal. For fucks sake woman, I almost wrote for you to grow a pair of balls but don't do that, just show some initiative.

There is perhaps the odd chance that he's not the least interested in you in a romantical way and maybe he just want to be friends with you and all that shit but. Guys are seriously dense about these things sometimes. I'd know from being one myself. I've had it happen, not one or two but THREE times, being friends with some girl who developed a crush for me. That being something I only found out later once we had fallen out of contact, at which point I had gotten around to thinking; "she was so sweet, I wish something could have happened between us". And then, looking back, I start remembering all these little signs that would so easily give away someones feelings, but while we were actually seeing eachother, I could not pick them up to save my life, or even play with the idea that something romantical could potentially develop from our friendship.

I swear, 3 times this has happened, and I can only guess to why I respond that way, by seemingly becoming entirely asexual and treating these girls as if they were my sister or something. Perhaps it's some kind of subconscious block or I don't know. But I doubt it's not entirely uncommon.

All I'm saying is, take some chances while you still have them, you are going nowhere at this rate. Life is too short to be a coward, and you never get anything for it. And that's what this shit is, cowardice. It might look all sweet and stuff but it's really about fear and nothing else, and it will deprive you unless you overcome it.

71 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-18 21:06 ID:o2YEliqC

>>70
I don't get why you are so irritated. Both are obviously late bloomers, probably because they are shy. So they are moving slowly, but that applies to BOTH of them, the guy does not seem to be very fast either.

On the other hand things are going nicely, they are basically already a couple, they just need to verbalize their emotions and get more intimate. Don't underestimate the barrier this represents for some people when it's their first time.

So just relax and enjoy the ride at their own pace, there are plenty of people who fuck the first night. If that's what you are after, you won't be lacking. As for myself, I find the story interesting, although if I was that guy things would have already progressed much more.

72 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-19 03:05 ID:69qbZ9IF

But it is time for the next level! This thread started three months ago! I'm not saying they need to be making out, but the words, "I like you" need to be said!

73 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-19 12:19 ID:pW8rZUeW

>>72
Exactly my point.

74 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-19 13:37 ID:o2YEliqC

I agree, and like I said I would already have done if it was me. But it's not me but them, and that's also what makes it interesting.

Anyway, as far as we know they might already be at the next level, as you put it.

75 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-19 18:47 ID:pW8rZUeW

>>74
They're not.

76 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-20 11:24 ID:+cIH3GhW

what are you guys talking about? you must have lots of things in common to talk so much and for so long.. are you debating over things or what is the trick?

it seems for me to be hard to find words and topics to talk about. Everything just seems to be too boring and im not interested in anything, i like to listen though. So im just very curious about you guys, how is it who is the listener and who is talker? :3

UPDATE NEEDED ASAP!

77 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-21 04:13 ID:69qbZ9IF

>>76 You won't have much luck in relationships if all you do is listen. And there isn't a trick to it, it is actually quite simple. If you want to be able to talk to someone, you should get interested in something.

Nodbody wants to talk to this guy:

So what do you like? Nothing.

What did you do to today? Nothing.

Oh so ummm.

78 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-21 04:27 ID:juXreXtD

We need Hug-Chan to come back and update us!

79 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-24 05:35 ID:tpvkX+rg

Can we assume by the lack of update that OP is now, blissfully, in a bona fide relationship?

80 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-24 05:48 ID:GBX+awxO

>>79

Maybe she is waiting for another weekend, or some other time when there has actually happend some update about their friendship?
I sure am waiting as hell for the update though, cuz OP IS JUST SO CUTE, I MUST READ MORE! :)

81 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-26 18:51 ID:EFGlgWfr

Dammit! Where is she?!

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