Long distance relationships suck. (20)

1 Name: Desu : 2008-10-05 03:58 ID:L2pB1Syi

So my boyfriend and I have been going out for two years, he's a sophomore in college, and I'm a senior in high school. He goes to college 4 hours away and I see him maybe once a month. Last year was better because we actually talked on the phone and he didn't have as much homework. This year, we barely talk and he has so much homework he hasn't made an effort to see my yet. You might tell me to go visit him, but this won't work because a) I'm not allowed to drive that far, b) even if I could, I wouldn't be allowed to stay with him, c) I'm not going there with my dad (he's a thread all his own), and d) my mom works and she doesn't like traveling too often.

So him being away would be fine if I had friends to distract me... but I don't. I have a friend that like about 10 minutes away, but she's VERY concerned about homework and paying for gas. I have some other friends about half an hour away, but they sometimes annoy me and I don't really want to go all the way over there, even if I was allowed to drive half an hour away. My BEST friend lives about an hour and a half away. And again, I'm not allowed to drive that far.

But I totally love my boyfriend and could see myself spending the rest of my life with him... I think. But the distance is REALLY getting to me. So my question is this: would it be worth it to break it off before we get REALLY sick of each other and the other's seeming lack of caring about the relationship? This is mostly a rant, but any advice would be appreciated. A LOT, because I know that I don't have a lot of world experience, no matter how mature some people think I am.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-08 06:30 ID:VnDBaUxw

Long distance relationships can work, I was in a LDR for 10 years before marrying. But they don't necessarily work for everybody.

A crucial point for a healthy LDR is that you must have regular (even if brief) phone contacts, and always have some project to look forward to (week end trip, holiday, etc).

Finally, don't rely too much on your partner to enrich your socal life. Even when not in a LDR, it's not a good idea,...

11 Name: seen it happen : 2008-10-08 14:45 ID:pcy7WNiT

amor de lejos, amor de pendejos

aka

it's not worth doing unless you BOTH are absolutely sure it's what you want.

and even then

it's still risky

12 Name: Desu : 2008-10-08 22:33 ID:L2pB1Syi

@ 10: Holy shit, 10 years?! God, 6 is going to kill me, if you still count ~45 minutes as "long distance."

And the "something to look forward to" idea makes sense. A lot of the time, I don't know when the next time I'll see him is.

@ 11: "love from far, love from...?" can you translate that last word for me?

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-08 22:55 ID:VnDBaUxw

>> 12

Well, for me it was 6h. 45 min does not strike me as a terrible long distance, many people commute daily far more than that,...

14 Name: Desu : 2008-10-09 02:26 ID:L2pB1Syi

Right now it's 3-4 hours. But even with 45 minutes you have to remember that we'll both be in college then and have homework and stuff.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 07:27 ID:8Afd6jdr

Wow >>10-san, that's amazing. How was the whole experience for you? Is your relationship with your partner even stronger now that you both had endured that much time for each other?

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 09:00 ID:rPTkBWHj

>>15

>How was the whole experience for you?

It can be tough, but it also has its advantages:
Cons:

  • you can feel lonely despite being in a relationship, so make sure you develop an healthy social life (but an healthy social life is also required even without a LDR). It's hard not to have someone to pat your back when you are feeling sad, so make sure you have friends that can do that for you, and don't rely exclusively on your partner for that.
  • it's tough if you hate phones: I do but had no other choice than get over it for the sake of the relationship. It was normal for me to spend an hour on the phone every night or second night. This is a real commitment that affects your daily routine, which you must realize and accept.
  • it's more expensive: you have to live separately, so no savings on that front, plus traveling weights on your budget.
  • you must be very proactive during crisis periods, because you simply do not have much time together to sort things out. We became very good at spending our Friday evening in heaven, Saturday arguing, and Sunday patching up. You must accept that the short time you fought so hard to spend together will not always be pleasant, and not become bitter about it. These crisis are essential to allow the relationship to mature, and if you avoid them you will poison the relationship. This is already hard in a normal relationship, and in a LDR it's a bit harder.

Pros:

  • It solves the routine problem: because of time constraints, your relationship never becomes a routine, and all moments spent together are special. Even after ten years of it, I was always excited to meet her. This is much harder to achieve in a normal relationship. You definitely learn to appreciate the present when you are in a LDR, and this carries on even after the time you spent apart.
  • It enriches your relationship: since your life is shared between two places, the settings of your relationship are much more diverse: more friends, more places are shared, and you create much more special memories (this is a variant of the anti-routine effect).
  • It favors personal development: often you get into a LDR because of education or career choices. Being able to further your interests helps you find a place in life closer to your wishes, which helps you become a sane and happy person (it's no guarantee, of course). Furthermore the constraints of an LDR force you to quickly mature your relational skills. It also helps each partner to become an autonomous and self-reliant individual, which will be very useful even when you stop living apart.
  • LDRs self select against morons: you can't have a LDR without committing trust and confidence in the other person. After all, the other person can't control what you are doing on your own, and yourself can't check the other person. So if you are in a LDR you automatically avoid people with pathological bouts of jealousy and many other kinds of psychological abuse. On the other hand you must be ready to be open with your problems with the other person, and not expect that she will figure them out by herself. In the same manner you must pay attention to what your partner is saying to detect problems as soon as possible. More than in normal relationships, LDRs require excellent communication. Fortunately I think the long time you spend on the phone helps you hone your skills in that area.
  • better sex life for a longer time. I'm not so certain about this one, but it is my belief that because of distance we were always enthusiastic for sex, and quite often ended having more of it than many couples engaged in normal relationships for a comparable amount of time as us. This is part of the anti-routine effect, and I must say that living together did not increase the frequency or intensity of our sex life, but then the fact that we had a baby also weights in. It's just a feeling, but I have the impression that being in a LDR increased our enthusiasm for sex ^_^
  • it increases your confidence in the relationship: see below,...

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 09:02 ID:rPTkBWHj

>Is your relationship with your partner even stronger now that you both had endured that much time for each other?

Certainly. After all we went through and the commitment displayed by both of us, we both have a lot of confidence in our relationship, even though you must never become complacent.

I think that if a relationship is not quickly killed off by distance, it can become more robust than the average normal relationship, simply because you need to invest so much in it that it becomes very important to you.

But I must say I would not go into a relationship if it will be long distance for ever. For me it was important to have the goal of living together, even if it takes a long time to get there. So don't think I'm saying that LDRs are better than normal ones ^_^

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-17 01:51 ID:bEaMCNgO

HE'S GONNA FUCK A LOT OF DUDES.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-17 01:53 ID:bEaMCNgO

>>18
let me rephrase that. He lives four (4) hours away and hasn't made an effort to see you yet, and you talk rarely. The likelehood of you falling apart is apparent, though I do hope the best for you two.

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-27 01:31 ID:lzxRhMJK

oh i have something to say on this topic but it's far too late and complicated and argh fuck it. distance sucks. 4 hours, christ, at least you're on the same continent. you can get a train! i'm five thousand miles away from the person i want to spend my life with.

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