I don't know what I want. (3)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-06 01:00 ID:BhhUJ8eL

I'm close friends with a boy who I've known for about a year (for the sake of clarity, from now on he is A. There's always been a very tiny part of me that is attracted to him, but nothing has ever happened with him because I've never allowed it to happen. When I first met A, I was in the final stretches of a rather miserable relationship, and rather crazily infatuated with his best friend (B). I'd just started college in a city about an hour away from where I used to live, and he and his friend were the only people I knew in the area. Because of that, the three of us became rather good friends.

As the months went on, I became less interested in B, as I knew it was hopeless. (For the record, I've never had a more fun hopeless crush ever.) I started to be interested in a few other people, and after a while I found myself with a boyfriend (C). Cue several happy months where I began to drift away from my other friends, and get to know some of his. Eventually, his living situation fell apart, and he moved in with me.

But in the past month or two, cracks have begun to appear in my relationship with my boyfriend. We never go on crazy adventures together, because he's so weighted down by his shitty job. He's always tired and sad... I'm starting to think he's drinking too much... He can't manage money for shit... And he's probably moving away in a few months. There are still happy times, lots of them, but it's not what it was.

A few weeks ago, I had a vivid dream about A. It wasn't sexual, just sort of sweet and sad. I basically acknowledged that we do have some sort of feelings for the other, but I couldn't be with him because of C. I woke up with my heart beating quickly, and my stomach all knotty whenever I thought of A.

I didn't see him for a couple weeks after the dream, as we both have rather busy lives. After worrying about the dream for a few days, I started to think about it less. I thought it was just because I hadn't seen him in a while and missed him.

He called me last night to hang out. I had been planning on spending the evening watching a movie with C, but since I hadn't seen A in several weeks, I decided to spend time with him instead. He picked me up at my house, and we drove around for a while. We got food at a late night diner and talked for a while. We thought about driving to the ocean (quite a ways away), and probably would have if I hadn't told C I'd be back that evening. I had no way of contacting him, and it not coming home seemed like a horrible thing to do. We went back to A's apartment, and listened to music. He drove me home when I started to get sleepy.

It was similar to other times we've spent time together, down to the exact same diner. But this time it made me very aware of my odd, confused, contradictory feelings about him. Part of me wants to date him and be close to him. I have fun when I'm with him... I care about him a lot, and we get along well. I know that he hasn't dated in a while, and I could make him happy.

But part of me screams no, no, NO so loudly. I don't know why, but it just seems completely wrong. Compared to that, the fact that I already have a boyfriend and I promised myself never to date a close friend again after one disaster are nothing. I want him, but I don't want him. I'm not going to break up with my current boyfriend any time soon (I do still love him), but I'll probably be single when he moves away. I'm confident that I'll be able to get plenty of dates, but that's not really the point. I'm just tired and confused... and I don't really expect 4-ch to have an answer, but any insight would be helpful.

Thanks.

2 Name: Martyr-kun : 2008-10-06 04:39 ID:pHNoAAra

You need to really evaluate your relationship with C, you say its stressed and that not the same as it used to be. Keep in mind that your relationship with C and your interest in A are two separate things, you don't want to validate your relationship with A based on the deterioration of your relationship with C. Figuring out how its going with C should be your first priority, if C isn't what you really want anymore, and then A is truly what you want, then so be it, but you don't want to have the guilt of leaving C for on a whim because of a fleeting crush with A.

3 Name: OP : 2008-10-06 18:29 ID:p8bPfAxZ

I'm not going to break up with C, because, well, I love him. He's someone I feel comfortable and safe around, and he's been absolutely wonderful to me. I want to know that when it does end we'll still be friends.

Ah, this entry should give some of the poor men here hope, because A seemed to have crawled out of the friend zone. Hah.

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