I have a really strange situation. I thought i might ask here because no one i know lurks here.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. It's pretty much a roller-coaster at the moment. My mother tried to kill herself, so i moved into his house (i am 17, he is 19) with his mother, father, and younger brother. I moved in because of issues with school, money, and transportation.(convienent, family discord right before my senior year starts...) I live in a weird area, country-like, there are no sidewalks or buses or anything like that. I have a job, and i'm currently in driver's ed (i didn't start at 15 because of car phobia). My boyfriend however, is 19, doesn't have his liscence, and still doesn't clean his room; we work at the same place and make the same amount of money per hour; he doesn't clean, doesn't take care of himself... but i can't let go of him because he's been with me for so much. But is this love?
When we first met, i was in high school, when i was in 10th grade. We were both 'on drugs' to put it lightly-- him smoking weed before school, or doing codiene most of the time, and myself on (mostly) vicodin and klonopin every other day. I fell "in love" with him when he helped me come off of a bad high, during a pep rally. that night i was submitted into Sheppard Pratt, a mental hospital. (I had started cutting myself because i wanted to get the "worms" out of my skin-- painkiller itchies, basically, taken the wrong way.) I stayed there for three weeks.
During my stay there, i met this girl. She's amazing; i knew that i would like her because i hated her at first. I never felt this way about another girl before. It might have been the environment; but we had something, something really special.
I was discharged, and we didn't talk for about 8 months. this was in February 2007. I just started talking to her again, online, last week. We were talking on facebook. i looked at her pictures and i FELT that again. it's horrible. I have this lovely boyfriend, with all of these memories; but then again, i'm feeling more "in love" with this female than my boyfriend. She lives about an hour away, and is my age (and gender)... i want her so bad. And it's mutual, too; we talked on the phone-- we want each other's company. And it's not just lust... it's not just lust, or sex.
Sex is the only thing really keeping my current relationship together at the moment. But because i'm living with my boyfriend and his very conservative parents, we haven't been able to do anything sexual. He doesn't have his liscence, so we can't go anywhere without parents, basically. It's depressing.
He's leaving for the Navy sometime next January or February. I won't hear from him, but i will most likely be still living with his parents. (i can't stay in my house anymore... i can't bear to look at my mother. it might take a while to get her trust back.).
The thing is, they are very Christian. VERY conservative. They're open minded, and hilarious, but Christian. They don't believe in homosexuality. I don't want to call myself bisexual; maybe pansexual-- because i don't regard any gender/sexual orientation when i look at a person (in both sex and relationship terms).
I couldn't have her over. Our passion is not hideable. It was so hard to conceal it in the hospital; and then again, i wonder, will i feel the same after two years? Because i am feeling even more for her at the moment. But my boyfriend is still always there for me-- never a brother or a good friend.
I am so confused. I want to wait it out, and then the boyfriend will leave... but that's just wrong. I feel so guilty, but i shouldn't feel guilty for loving someone.
this felt good to type... but im not proofreading it. Thanks for reading if you do. Any advice would be great.
You have several issues colliding, which makes everything more complicated,... I suggest you address them separately and maybe you'll find them more manageable.
The first point is that you absolutely must get out of where you are living now, and become more autonomous. Probably having a driving license won't be enough, you need to find your own accommodation. You should probably contact the local social services to get to know what possibilities are available to you, in terms of accommodation and funding.
By staying at your boyfriends' family house you are putting an intolerable stress on your relationship, and it's not surprising that it is floundering. Living with the other person should be a choice, not a necessity, otherwise this necessity will inevitably corrupt the relationship.
As for the relationship with your boyfriend, it seems you have lost consideration for him, and have the image of a loser when you think about him. However, he does seem to be taking some initiatives, like joining the Navy... It could be a good sign? On the other hand how does this joining the Navy fits with your own interests? Have you discussed about that? Are you ok with it? For me the only way to save your relationship is to start living on your own, and start again from there.
As for your crush with the woman you met at the hospital, it could go both ways. It's obviously an escapist reaction to the stress of your life and relationship, but that does not make it any less legitimate. I would consider giving it a chance, if you feel like it. Just take care of being fair towards your present boyfriend, but don't pass a chance of being happy.